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Halley's Comment: Sometime in the mid-aughts, my mom called to tell me that my newly driving-aged sister had crashed the family minivan into the side of a mountain with a friend riding along. Everyone was fine, but the van was totaled. My mom loved that van, and it was something my parents had gone out on a financial limb to buy. I could never understand why my parents had trusted someone with no driving experience with it, particularly with a friend that also had no experience driving.

On a totally unrelated note, Tom Ley was gracious enough to let Drewbert and me author this post. I’m sure nothing will go wrong!

Drewbert and I realize we have to take this seriously. We’re now journalists, following in the footsteps of greats like Woodward and Bernstein, Taibbi and Weiss, and Jeremy and Rajat (or, based on our timing, Ashley Feinberg), and we have a chance to reach our target audience of 200 million people who are college educated and who read in English. Selfishly, I dreamed that if this went well I might even be able to turn it into a fully reimbursed $28 meal at the fast food restaurant of some Fox Business host’s choosing

With that heavy burden in mind, we did what any non-self-respecting pretend journalists would do: we looked at the comment section of every goddamn Defector blog published in 2022. Think of the aversion therapy scene in A Clockwork Orange, but with more jokes about Tom Brady being a dog and a bunch of Simpsons references I don’t understand. 

AND YET, we knew this wasn’t enough. After all, our audience talks to each other and talks to us. So we asked for email submissions about other commenters’ favorite comments. After reading all of your submissions, we were so far down the commenting rabbithole that we made it back to the zombie comment section where Pico would send unlucky commenters during the first year of the site, never to return.

Somehow, we emerged from this abyss of +1s with the list you see below. No one post could hope to contain all of the jokes, exchanges, and relationships that make this The Last Good Comment Section, but we hope you see some of your favorites (or maybe even your own handle). 

We also wanted to let you know of a few quick logistical items on how we thought through this:

  • We left out (almost all) quote comments due to formatting.
  • In an effort to reduce length, we have omitted longform comments. However, we wouldn’t be doing our job if we failed to acknowledge a few in particular:
    • BlueHighwind was by far our most submitted commenter for their short stories on Zillowing Out. There are a plethora to choose from, but their short story here is absolutely something we would have included here if not for lack of space. Do yourself a favor and have a box of tissues handy when reading.
    • HockeyEsq again did amazing work, this time coming up with poetry for every Why Your Team Sucks post. Their comments from the Bears and Ravens posts were our personal favorites.
    • Only Emojis’ individual contributions couldn’t be included below due to formatting issues, but their work was tremendous all year.
    • In no particular order, here are a few others we loved but cut for space: Captain Wow, James Earl Jonestown Massacre, BYCTOM, Sacharissa Cripslock GNU, Hammock District, philaDLJ, and Guy Remembered
  • As you’re probably guessing, there isn’t an individual Comment of the Year. 

Remember, if you disagree with anything in here, or you feel like this list is wrong, rest assured that Drewbert made the decision that you hate, and you should let him know about it. See you in the comments.

Drewbert Thompchesky: Man, it’s just like Halley’s to come up with a great concept (this post), execute it quickly and perfectly (the intro, also the rest of it), and then wait somewhat patiently while lesser commenters (me) feebly try to catch up. Speaking of which, if you’ve noticed an uptick in Google searches for “flights from Phoenix to DC,” “Drewbert Thompchesky home address,” or “is ‘failure to finish a comments of the year roundup in a reasonable timeframe’ a good murder defense,” those things are probably unrelated.

Anyway, as I sit here, totally still during the year 2022 and not at all two weeks into 2023, finishing my part, I also want to say thank you to Tom and the Defector staff—WHICH I AM NOT A PART OF TO MY KNOWLEDGE—for letting us post this. I mean, we would have done it anyway (see last year) but we appreciate the opportunity to recognize the great commenters here more publicly. Hopefully we don’t screw it up too badly and can keep it going.

More importantly, thanks to everyone—whether you’re mentioned here or not—who deliver funny, insightful, useful, unique comments every day, and who make this such a great community to be a part of.

“Jets fuel meltdown? I’ll have to see the replay on that one.”- Pete Carroll 

- Reptile Folk, from Antonio Brown Strips, Tosses His Gear Into Crowd, Leaves Midgame 

Texting you just enough to keep you invested. It's the classic Vonn Trap

- squeegeeeephus, from My Friend Lindsey Vonn Never Texts Me :(

"Some of my best possessions are black."

- Buster Douglas Rhymes, from Darren Rovell Says He’s Not Racist Because He Has Black Friends And MLK Jr. Memorabilia 

Just a couple of A-Rods who know their way around injections intended for horses. 

- Not A Lawyer, from Please Savor This Clip Of A Half-Frozen Alex Rodriguez Tempting Fate At Lambeau Field

It's nine o'clock on a Saturday
The regular crowd shuffles in
There's an unvaxxed man sittin' next to me
Explaining how the earth can't spin

- Hollow Log, from One Verse Of ‘We Didn’t Start the Fire,’ But About The Brooklyn Nets

I wish Rodgers would treat us like he treats his family and just disappear from our lives.

- JR_BOB_DOBBS, from Cheer Up, Aaron Rodgers

Good for Flores, insisting on being the league's first Non Fungible Token. 

- Drewbert Thompchesky, from Brian Flores Sues NFL For Racial Discrimination

Bonfire of the Hannities 

- Derry Murbles, from To Stop The Creeping Liberalism Of Books, You Must Destroy The Cloud

Are we sure this wasn't Masked Singer Sewing Machine Repair & Maintenance? 

- D’Glester Hardunkichud, from I Don’t Like This At All 

It'd be cooler to set his HOF bust about a foot outside the actual building but everyone just tells him it's in there 

- ElGuapo, from Do Not Even Dare Think About Joe West In The Baseball Hall Of Fame 

I am. 

- SuddenlyAmy, from Is Anyone Famous Anymore? 

When the trade fits your need for your star Joel Embiid, that's a Morey. 

- Casual Fraud, from Ben Simmons–James Harden Blockbuster Should Make Everyone Happy 

Charles "Entertainment Is But A Distant Memory In The Bleak And Unyielding Technological Hellscape We Have Created For Ourselves, Our Future Is Heavily Mortgaged And Our Present Is Unceasingly Stupid, May Our Ancestors Look Back On Us With Sympathy" Cheese 

- aklingus, from Facebook/Meta Asks: “Wouldn’t It Be Nice To Die?”

Saints: Who dat? 
Bengals: Who dey? 
Rams: Hwuse?

- Awesome’s Razor, from WHOSE HOUSE? R A MS HOOSE 

Junkie: Cold Medina 

- Crommentor, from Dead Horse Guilty 

They should really retire 9/11's number so it can't happen again 

- SlurmsMacCasey, from The Yankees Are Retiring Paul O’Neill’s Number In Monument Park, Which Is Different From Giving Him A Plaque In Monument Park, Which They Already Did, And Also Different From Giving Him A Monument In Monument Park, Which They Haven’t Done, Even Though A Monument Involves A Plaque

You could say King Lear is a lot of words to describe a probate dispute, but you'd be missing the point. 

- Idols of Mud, from Andrew Luck No Longer Orders For Everyone Else At Restaurants 

Now, this is something worth celibating! 

- brett, from Russell Wilson Is A Bronco And It’s The End Of Something In Seattle 

In some organizations this shit wouldn't fly, but at Coors Field it flies about 10% farther. 

- Arrakis Ramírez, from The Rockies Are Doing Less Than The Least 

Tom Brady is kind of like Jesus. He came back after everybody thought he was gone, and I don't want to spend my Sundays hearing about how great he is

- Arrakis Ramírez, from Hm, Maybe Tom Brady Can, In Fact, Play Forever

Pictured [from left to right]: The kid who could get you weed in 1957, 1977, and 1997. 

- Dutch Dalton’s Oakley Blades, from The World No Longer Belongs To Ronaldo And Messi 

Sad to see this happen to a player with his potential. We've gone from wondering about his ceiling to questioning his floor. 

- Zesty Enterprise, from ZionWatch: Bouncy Floor?? 

Looking back - I'm glad I had getting hammered in a parking lot over scrolling Instagram endlessly. It might have stunted my adolescent mind's mental development and caused permanent memory issues, but looking back - I'm glad I had getting hammered in a parking lot over scrolling Instagram endlessly. 

- Chareth Cutestory, from The Drunkest Generation 

Conservatired: reading Atlas Shrugged
Conservawired: reading atlas? Shrug

- squeegeeeephus, from I Truly Cannot Believe How Dumb This Convoy Shit Is

That was the cruelest use of a wooden stick by any Vlad in history

- Letsgobowling, from Vladimir Guerrero Jr. Sent A Baseball To Baseball Hell For All Time 

Ground control to meat kabob… 

- Herb Spanfeller, from The Sports Highlight Of The Day Is Stratosphere Kebab

"But now we shall both surely drown", said the Durant.
"lol" said the Irving, "lmao" 

- Kilgamayan, from The Celtics Made Sure Kevin Durant Had The Playoffs From Hell 

I believe Prospect X is somewhere beyond the orbit of Prospect Neptune, causing small but measurable disturbances to objects in the Mel Kiper Belt. 

- PavelCatsyuk, from Who Is Prospect X? The Hunt For The Best-Kept Secret Of The 2022 NFL Draft 

50 Shades of Cray 

- 52ndState, from The Blog Of The Year Is This Deranged Book Excerpt 

Okay boomerang 

- Chuck Burly, from My Weird Australia Thing 

Verlander thinks about sex when he doesn't want to cum during baseball. 

- Michael!, from Energetic Sibling Gets Goosebumps Whenever He Sees His Favorite Sport On TV 

Just think, in a few years, they'll be able to use the same course for the American Power Boat Association. 

- Rip Danger, Life Enthusiast, from Miami Was Ready For Formula 1, But The Track Was Not 

Math bows to beef” is how we can offer our delicious roasted beef sandwich on our 2 for $6 menu. So get your sweet cheeks on over to Arbys for some flaps and folds. 

- Arbys-Night, from If It’s Going To Be A Fight, You Want The Strongest Guys

1 Big Thing: I Made A Comment Earlier Tonight

That I guess went out over the air that I am deeply ashamed of. If I have hurt anyone out there, I can't tell you how much I say from the bottom of my heart I'm so very, very sorry.

I pride myself and think of myself as a man of faith

  • As there's a drive into deep left field by Castellanos.
  • That'll be a home run.

The difference here: And so that'll make it a 4-0 ballgame.

Why it matters: I don't know if I'm going to be putting on this headset again. I don't know if it's going to be for the Reds. I don't know if it's going to be for my bosses at Fox.

- Not a Herb, from Axios To Staff: Our Values Are Cynically Engineered And Incoherent 

That's just how seasons change in Canada. You can tell autumn arrives because the leaves are falling. You can tell spring arrives because the Leafs are golfing. 

- Ghost of the Unremembered Guy, from Leafs-Lightning Was Always Going To Leave Someone Haunted 

*to the tune of Eleanor RIgby*
Nathan Eovaldi
Serving up dongs to the Stros in the Town name of Bean
Ray is so mean 

- George Burnered Shaw, from Like Fort Sumter Or A Peanut, Nathan Eovaldi Got Shelled 

It's a massive failure, but at least it's a dry massive failure. 

- Chuck Burly, from This Is Just What The Phoenix Suns Do 

That’s obviously a pizza oven for making person pan pizzas. 

- Bette Davis’ Cigarette, from A $300,000 House With Underground Terrors

No, see, it's honoring vehicular traffic. 

- Possums, from The Commanders Bought Some Land In Freaking Patagonia 

Pieces like this are why this site is the best $11,000 I've spent this year. 

- Drewbert Thompchesky, from Defector’s Valuation Is $333 Million, According To Very Real Business Math 

That face knows when all of his daughter's friends' 18th birthdays are. 

- Poor Old Edgar Derby, from We Need A Couple Of You To Subscribe So That This Photo Of A Haggard Phil Mickelson Is Worth It 

This is still better than the game I am currently playing with my family while I am visiting them this month. Who can lob the most hurtful passive aggressive remark closest to someone's insecurities. 

- Guy Incognito, from Disgusting Slobs Bored By Oakland A’s 

This is great news for the tool enthusiast! In the past, prices were so high that we had to stop hammer time. 

- Miller, from You May Think Things Are Bad, But Have You Considered How Cheap Hammers Are Now? 

Just wait for football season when they superimpose a Jets logo. 

- Tickle Me Ratto, from Fox Sports Finds Perfect Billboard At Ground Zero 

"Look poppa, look. I've written of you on my blog!"

thats what you sound like 

- Hemmerling for Mitchell, from I Am Not Ray Ratto’s Son

It’s tough because you’ve still got Bout locked up for another six years, but if you think you’re going to lose him for nothing, you’ve gotta get back as much value as you can. 

- Covid Shy Teen, from Report: Biden Offers Viktor Bout For Brittney Griner And Another American Prisoner 

Vikings Fans 🤝 Rudy Giuliani 

getting fucked by cousins.

- Marmalard, from Why Your Team Sucks 2022: Minnesota Vikings 

There are more creative spellings of the name Jordan on here than a graduation ceremony at a Utah middle school. 

- Thesaurus, Dinosaur of Words, from Which NBA Players Are Household Names, According To Defector Moms? 

I am a blessed soccer fan. My first memory of watching fútbol live is the 1970 World Cup, Pele’s third. As an 8 year-old I remember watching the game on a neighbor’s black and white TV. Then I was at Azteca stadium to watch Argentina win the cup in 86. And today I was alone in my house in Medellin Colombia watching one of the best games in the history of sports. Three World Cups for the three best players of the sport. I love Pelé as my childhood hero. I admired Maradona the player, even though I hated the person (may he rest in peace). And for many years I have enjoyed Messi (as an Atlético de Madrid fan I also suffered him), and now he is also a world champion. I love sports and at 61 I saw Jordan, Ali, Hank Aaron and Willy Mays and Roberto Clemente, Joe Montana, Tiger and Nicklaus, and Pele, Maradona and Messi. I now I get to read my son’s blogs and share this moment at a distance. Love you son. I am a blessed sports fan and a proud father

- LPP58, from Lionel Messi Is Done Chasing Ghosts

Thank goodness this article was featured at the top of the site or lots of people would never find it. Now back to reading. 

- Bette Davis’ Cigarette, from Happy Snake Clitoris Day To All Who Celebrate

I barely read my own work emails and you want me to read someone else's?

- Birds in the Rain, from What Are The Twitter Files, And Do You Need To Care About Them?

Liberte, Egalite, Pedialite

- BoShek Horseman, from Here’s One Last Goddamn Thing France Has To Try And Overcome 

Well, they may not make it far, but the flag is a big plus.

- DerelictDante, from Switzerland Can Dare To Dream 

A rare case involving cops, an unsuspecting target getting a belly full of lead, and actual consequences.

- Jaded Helmsman, from Pro Fishing Has Its Own Cheating Scandal Involving Weights In Prize-Winning Fish

Carson Wentz gets to heaven and asks, "God, why did you not rescue me?" 

And God replies, "I did. I sent you 9 sacks to teach you that you suck and should just stop playing football."

- *shrug*, from Carson Wentz Was Pummeled Today: A Visual Compendium

"These guys have truly become like family to me," Rodgers said, as he failed to connect with them yet again.

- Drewbert Thompchesky, from Aaron Rodgers Needed Davante Adams

Kudos, Kyrie. You won this round flat.

- Hari-Caray, from Kyrie Irving Won

True. But most kids his age are up all knight watching pawn. 

- Sheikh Djibouti, from Prodigal Chess Teen Loses Crucial Match After Staying Up All Night Playing Online Chess

God dammit, Australia. How is it that your country can’t get a kangaroo court right?

- Halley’s Comment, from Novak Djokovic Is Loose In Australia, For Now

Just wait until BevNet gains self awareness and sends Russell Wilson back in time to kill John Gatorade.

- SteamEngine, from Russell Wilson Has A Beverage Brand For Various Hydration Occasions And Functional Need States

"I cannot figure out where to purchase any Guilt NFTs"

Have you tried the Catholic Church?

- Mark Portugal. The Man, from 76ers Partner Company: We'll Try To Plug Ben Simmons Into The Metaverse

It's a detailed plan about how to lose to Jimmy Garoppolo in the playoffs.

- Sidgeni Malsby, from Quick! Let’s Analyze Aaron Rodgers's Tattoo Before He Tells Us What It Actually Means

Isn’t every week on this site technically Rays Week given how much more Ratto writes than the rest of you?

- IWasSayingBooUrns, from It's Rays Week

Sure I'll roast some beets: you're awful and if you had any class, you'd be a radish.

- 83Guy, from Let's Roast Some Beets

"Have you considered not jumping while playing basketball?"

- Shane McKinley, from Behold, The Nerdiest Question Ever Asked At An NBA Press Conference

Chet looks like a funeral director who keeps all the jewelry the deceased are supposed to be buried with. 

- Hollow Log, from Report: Chet Holmgren Either Instant DPOY Contender Or Huge Flop

He looks like a backup dancer for a boy band called 98 Pounds.

- Blabberwocky, from Report: Chet Holmgren Either Instant DPOY Contender Or Huge Flop

Since he's a Hall of Famer, I believe that makes him Ray Dude.

- Here Comes the Pizza!, from Ray Guy Sure Punted A Lot!

It's been almost 2000 years since the last time a Carpenter resurrected his career like this.

- hockeybear, from You Don't Beat Everyone's Ass Without Finding A Guy Like Matt Carpenter

1a. Hallway Thai food

- PavelCatsyuk, from Meals That Are Best To Finish With A Cold Can Of Soda, Ranked

England Has What It Takes

And puts it on display in the British Museum. 

- hockeybear, from England Has What It Takes

it'll probably be some nerd

- Hemmerling for Mitchell, from Who Wants To Be World Chess Champion?

Man goes to doctor, he can't eat or sleep. "I'm miserable doc, you gotta help me."

The doctor looks him over, runs some tests, and concludes the man is affected by melancholia. "The solution is simple: the famed clown Victor Robles is in town. Go and see a game."

"But doctor," the man replies, "the Nationals fucking suck."

- Mr Mustard, from Everyone In This Story Is A Clown!

You celebrate what you have and who you are. Here at the Sunnyvale Arbys, we’re a ragtag bunch. A shitty club if you will. But we have Kenny on his roller skates, and Carl with his 1990 Buick Riveria, and Ed with his dreams of becoming a backup dancer. Jimmy and I are the face of the operation even though we’re both uglier than Ted Cruz’s tattered ballsack. But we’re a team dammit. We aspire to mediocrity and someday my friend, we’ll reach that brass plated ring and pass it around before leaving it in Carl’s trunk with his bowling trophies. God Bless America.

- Arbys-Night, from So It's Come To This

Zuckerberg, 2000: What if you could hang out with your friends online? 

Zuckerberg, 2020: What if you didn't have friends anymore? 

- Awesome’s Razor, from Meta Is Desperate

He’s Kyler, but the Cardinals are pushing him to be Kylest.

- SpaceGhost, from Kyler Murray's Contract Extension Raises More Questions Than It Answers

I actually think this hours-per-week will work out well, he says, posting a comment to Defector while billing his client.

- squeegeeephus, from Kyler Murray's Contract Extension Raises More Questions Than It Answers

I think you're being hard on the NFL. How can anyone possibly know what happened in a he said/she she she she she she she she she she she she she she she she she she she she she she she she she she she she she she she she she she she she she she she she she she she she she she she she she she she she she she she she she she she she said scenario?

- Clever Name Here, from Deshaun Watson's Short Suspension Falls Squarely On The NFL

Trevor Penning Simply Loves To Fight His Teammates

And he will probably win most of these fights too, unlike that bust Trevor Swording.

- Super Massive Masshole, from Trevor Penning Simply Loves To Fight His Teammates

The coaches probably shouldn't have told him to stay Incognito. 

- Dutch Daulton’s Oakley Blades, from Trevor Penning Simply Loves To Fight His Teammates

Maybe he needs to turn it up to Eleven Hag

- Montanablowhard, from Erik ten Hag Is Getting A Crash Course In Manchester United Dysfunction

Drew Lock! Geno Smith! Jacob Eason!

Welcome to the Legion of Whom!

- JT406, from Why Your Team Sucks 2022: Seattle Seahawks

 "I mean, it's one Senate seat. What could it cost? Ten dollars?"

- YOUREMOTHER, from Wife Needs Crudités!

BREAKING: Calvin Ridley bet it would be 12 games and has received a lifetime ban.

- Blabberwocky, from The NFL And Deshaun Watson Did The Math

I don't want to be a doomsayer, but it sounds like the end is nyy.

- Derry Murbles, from PSA: The Yankees Are Ass Now

No fair, the duck was Peking. 

- D’Glester Hardunkichud, from The Sports Highlight Of The Day Is A Duck Winning "Find The Duck"

How much upchuck can a Cornhusk chuck if the Cornhusk’s coach is a fuck?

- A Stranger In The Alps, from That's Too Many Barfs

I thought Wisconsin was a swing state.

- The Pork-Chop Express, from The Brewers' Slide Will Really Fuck Up A Sideline Reporter

With cops cracking down on oral sex at the stadium, I'm sure suffering female A's fans are willing to settle for triple digits.

- Hollow Log, from Can The A's Reach Triple-Digit Attendance?

Wait until they hear about the nine guys sucking on the field for three hours.

- Chuck Burly, from Can The A's Reach Triple-Digit Attendance?

Quoth the Raven, “Oh, fuck!”

- Taco Truck, from Ravens Mascot Laid Low By Children

If history is any guide, the Padres will certainly avoid humiliation. They'll just be transferred to another parish. 

- Bergkamp’s First Touch, from The Padres Have A Month To Avoid Humiliation

Worth noting that this will be the first Golf War not started by a member of the Bush family.

- Col. Forbin, from The Golf War Rages On With Fresh Defections And New Escalations

For sale: baby ring, nephew worn

- George Burnered Shaw, from Does Tom Brady Have Nephews? A Defector Investigation

Some people are owners of the Green Bay Packers. They are known as the San Francisco 49ers.

- Bergkamp’s First Touch, from Why Your Team Sucks 2022: Green Bay Packers

"And we're back, remembering that terrible day when Mohammad "Atta Here!" and Marwan "al-Shehhi, She-hee, She Hiney-Hiney Ho" got in that plane and it was high-jack-jack-jack-jack and gone! We'll never forget the horrible loss of life when the World Trade Center was rumblin, bumblin, stumblin and down it went! Now, back to Joe and Troy in the Studio." 

- D’Glester Hardunkichud, from Chris Berman Tried His Best

Man, I frickin' knew it. Have fun at LIV Golf, Kalyn

- ElGuapo, from Kalyn Kahler Is Leaving Us, But We'll Keep The Memories And Her Jawbones

Demonstrably not a stranger to bonesaws. 

- FritoPendejo, from Kalyn Kahler Is Leaving Us, But We'll Keep The Memories And Her Jawbones

If Condi were coaching, she’d probably call a run play there.

That makes sense. Condi has always disregarded the threat of air attacks. 

-Torsloke, from The Concept Of Time Has Nathaniel Hackett In A Headlock

Scientists now can approximate what body of water all the ants would fill, thus settling the longstanding ant-tide-is-established-in-area schism.

- Doctorbmanhattan, from How Many Ants Is The Right Number Of Ants For There To Be?

YOU PLAY.

TO AVOID.

ALIENATING THE BOOSTERS.

- AgainstTheNinja, from Herm Edwards Fired Over Embarrassing Loss Before He Could Be Fired Over NCAA Investigation

Kelsey's cake looks like what Ratatouille would make if Remy had to hide a shiv while cheffing at a prison for dogs.

- FamilyMatusz, from The Not-So-Great Defector Bake Off Grapples With Cake Week

If that's the closest you ever come to losing your head at a Saudi-funded event consider yourself lucky.

- Chuck Burly, from OK, You Wise-Asses, Who The Fuck Made Bryson DeChambeau Light Himself Up With A Gallery Rope?

Ah, the little-used 4.Alt+f4 play, nicely done.

- Drewbert Thompchesky, from Magnus Carlsen Escalates Conflict With Hans Niemann By Resigning After One Move

Big deal, this is Florida. There are plenty of Arians mad about seemingly being replaced.

- Possums, from Bruce Arians Is Still Getting Adjusted To His New Job

“MALIKA! You don’t tell me to stop on my own show! Now back to my explanation of why workplace power dynamics aren’t a serious issue!” 

- Halley’s Comment, from The Ime Udoka Suspension Tied Stephen A. Smith's Brain In Knots

You want that indictment wit or witout?

- Portly Porty, from Feds: Publicly Traded Deli Worth $100 Million A Massive Fraud After All

There really is no better way to get the Mississippi state government on board with a project than by suggesting they build it with slave labor.

- Old Painty-Can Ned, from Brett Favre Wanted Inmates To Help Build His Fraudulent Volleyball Stadium

I refuse to acknowledge that Niemann is cheating until a judge cuts his stomach open to see if any pawns have been stuffed in there.

- Fancy Boy Brandon, from Report: Hans Niemann Cheated More Often, More Recently Than He Admitted

"Say it to my face," says a guy who didn't say it to their faces.

- Hammock District, from Aaron Rodgers: If My Teammates Are Mad, They Should Debate Me

Much like their World Cup stadiums, Qatar's flag looks both half-finished and covered in blood.

- Drewbert Thompchesky, from Qatar Bought The World Cup, Now Has To Prove It Can Play In It

How can they keep screwing things up this badly? Like a metaverse avatar, I'm stumped.

- Possums, from Meta Will Continue Burning Billions Of Dollars Until Something Happens

No matter how cruel and derogatory these comments get, know they can always be Snyder.

- Dutch Daulton’s Oakley Blades, from The Commanders May Or May Not Be For Sale

Are all Philly neighborhoods named after their most prominent gay bar?

- Manti Meow, from More Like Launch McCullers

Wow, what'd Nash do to deserve a firing, believe the Holocaust actually happened?

- Johnny Yukon, from Just What The Hell Is Going On In Brooklyn?

The solution is clear: put the tunnel underground and only allow one student athlete at a time to use it.

- Chad_Quawful, from Michigan State Suspends Four Players For Postgame Tunnel Attack

Such bullshit. Doesn't matter if I invest in a Roth IRA or a Roth IRL, my contributions just end up disappearing and some big wig in Manhattan gets rewarded.

- Halley’s Comment, from We Can Now Reveal Where David Roth And Cardboard Roth Will Go

I hope at the viewing they put that dudes coffin in the corner.

- Asherdan, from Ray Guy Was The Last King Of Hang Time

When you've had too much wine
You're stuck on the blue line
That's Zamboni

- Not A Lawyer, from Z Is For Zam- ... Oh No! It's Broken!

I actually think it was really appropriate for a Miami arena to be named after a company that's underwater.

- Arrakis Ramirez, from So Much For FTX Arena

Pictured: A portable toilet becoming 50% less full of shit.

- DesMoines50327, from Matt Birk Eats Shit Then Compares Himself To Jesus

Didn't expect a Defector writer to come out as pro-scab. 

- Zesty Enterprise, from The Birth Of A Scar

Just another in a long line of moves to head off critical journalism.

- Chekhov’s Ski Pole, from Qatar Is Already Hassling Journalists At The World Cup

Good thing he was getting all those greens in regulation, cause they certainly weren't in his diet.

- Bananas Foster Wallace, from Bryson DeChambeau Abandons Quest To Become Large After It Made Him Feel "Weird"

In this case I think the ref simply forgot to switch their mic to SAP.

- philaDLJ, from Who Are NFL Refs Talking To?

More of a rectal history than an oral one

- In the Greys, from An Oral History Of The Time Six Doctors Swallowed Lego Heads To See How Long They'd Take To Poo

Hopefully in the next match, we can focus on the soccer and not the Gio-politics.

- The Pork-Chop Express, from The USMNT Is What We Thought It Was

If only "half the team" showed up, I assume it was the defense. 

- Sharif DelMonte, from Russell Wilson Has Nowhere To Hide Now

The separation of Church and State is apparently 83 points. 

- Justhereforthesnacks, from Portland Bible’s Loss Was By The Book

Obvious scam. The only way to maintain a physique like that is to work out hard four days a week and take rest days on the other four.

- Kilgamayan, from Who Could Have Possibly Predicted The Bull Testicle Guy Was Juicing?

Just paint a tunnel on a wall outside of Phoenix and the problem will solve itself.

- RedRaiderEducator, from Arizona Has A Chance To Reject The Coyotes Once And For All

"We got a few positions already taken care of, because I’m bringing my luggage with me, and it’s Louis."

Carry-on: my wayward son.

- Doctorbmanhattan, from Deion Sanders Meets New Players, Tells Them To Get Lost

An Arson Judge headed to San Francisco? Only about 116 years too late, pal.

- Utah Jazz Hands, from Aaron Judge Wasn't About To Be Anyone's Bargain

Oh, come on, you're overstating this. I watched the Detroit Wild Wings beat the Dallas Color Stars the other night, and I didn't think about the ads at all.

- squeegeeeephus, from The NHL's Digital Board Ads Have To Go

Big fucking deal. Let me know when he wins a Ballon d'Or d'oeuvres.

- Rip Danger, Life Enthusiast, from Salt Bae Thinks He's On The Team

And with that, Argentina’s “days since World Cup victory without controversial hand action” clock reset to 0

- Halley’s Comment, from Let’s Give A Big Hand For Emi Martínez!

Things went south when he tried going west, but I'm glad he headed east because I'm anti North Correa.

- nad_krats, from Carlos Correa Eloped With The Mets

I don't recall many plays, but I will never forget when Jesus got nailed on that crossing route.

- Beer Wolf, from Dabo Swinney Reaches New Level Of Self-Parody

Looking forward to my next Ticketmaster purchase including an "Additional Outrage Fee" and a "Capitol Hill Testimony Fee."

- ForeverGrey, from Will Ticketmaster's Death Knell Finally Toll?

OK that’s it! We don’t have a great way to end this, but thanks to everyone for a phenomenal 2022, and keep ‘em coming in 2023. Let us know how badly we messed up in the comments!

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