Time for your weekly edition of the Defector Funbag. Got something on your mind? Email the Funbag. Drew’s on vacation. Today, we’re talking about golf partners, toddler races, the internet, and more.
Hey, everyone, this is Jeremy Levick and Rajat Suresh, two Brooklyn-based writer-comedians who you may recognize from viral videos like Conservative lectures SJW, SNL must not hire Rajat, and Monkey throws poop at grandma.
We’re taking over the Funbag for Drew Magary, who absconded to Aruba this week with 40 million Defector subscription dollars. Apparently most of the money came from convincing one really naive subscriber that there’s something called “The Drew Plus” member option that gets you “unlimited Defector tokens.”
Taking over Funbag next week will be Alex Pareene, who you may recognize as editor of The New Republic’s porn recommendation vertical “Nude Reads.”
Now, let’s answer your questions!
Can we get a ranking of the most annoying type of fans in sports? Always think about this when I have to hear the dude (and it’s always a dude) yell “get in the hole” anytime someone putts. You’re not cool bro.
Rajat: Yelling “get in the hole” is definitely super annoying. But, I do have to point out that it’s not only dudes who scream “get in the hole.” That’s kind of regressive to think that. Women have actually made great strides in the field of screaming during sporting events.
Jeremy: Right. That’s female heckler erasure. Let’s not forget the time a girl trash talked Wilt Chamberlain and it motivated him to score 100 points. She called him “Wilt Chambermaid.”
R: One time a woman threw a brick at Tiger Woods’ head.
J: And as far as most annoying fans in sports, it’s gotta be those obnoxious chess fans.
R: They’re the worst. It’s a very racist institution too. They didn’t integrate the black chess pieces with the white chess pieces until 1954. The case was Brown vs. Chessboard of Education.
J: Philly chess fans are especially racist, they throw batteries at the black chess pieces.
I’m admittedly an old fart ( born in ‘49) and like many others of my ilk a golfer. I play regularly sometimes with friends, acquaintances, my son or random golfers to fill out the foursome. Some of my friends chat up whoever we’re paired with asking about the grandkids, former livelihood, and so on. I don’t. Yesterday my friend and I were paired with Fred and Ed. That’s the sum of all knowledge I possess of them. I truly don’t care when they retired, how many grandchildren they have or whatever they did BEFORE they retired. All I want to do is hit the ball and then walk up to it and hit it again. Who has it right, the chatter-up or me, the “nice shot” guy?
J: Hi, Fart.
R: Hi, Fart.
J: Class of ‘67 let’s goooooo.
R: That was a crazy year for us.
J: Anyway, what sticks out to me here is that you see Fred and Ed as strangers you’re forced to golf with when, instead, you could see them as potential friends.
R: Jeremy and I have some conversation tips that’ll definitely help you find a deeper connection with your golf partner. First, I’d try swinging your golf club at their head.
J: Definitely. He’ll probably say, “Why did you do that?” Now he’s asking you questions about yourself.
R: And then you’d say, “I did that because I wanted my golf club to hit your head.”
J: And now you’re talking about your wants, really opening up to each other. Anyway if that doesn’t work, ask a personal question like if his wife is cheating on him.
R: If she is, then you can say that your wife is cheating too. Even if she isn’t. Just like that, you’re connecting.
J: And if those two don’t work, a sand trap is essentially a beach. Lay out in the bunker, get a nice tan, toss a frisbee around, have some fun.
R: Maybe it’s a nude sand trap.
J: I’m not sure about that.
R: If all else fails, you can mime fucking the golf hole. It’s a great joke that’s sure to make your golf partner laugh his ass off.
J: I’m not sure about that either.
You have a donation of $ 1,800,000.00 (one million, eight hundred thousand dollars) from Manuel, respond using this code [MF2075421] to receive the donation amount.
J: I think this is spam. Just to be safe, MF2075421.
When we leave or return to the apartment, my toddler daughter and I race down the hallway to or from the elevator. What is the policy on letting her win?
R: Keep smokin’ her ass. Don’t let up. How do you expect her to be an Olympic-level hallway sprinter if you go easy on her?
J: Interesting. We just got another email that said, “I’m a toddler daughter and I let my dad win our hallway races. Is this ethical? I feel bad, he’s really fucking pathetic.”
I have come up with either the best or worst idea of all time: Multi sport trades between cities. Any city with multiple professional sports teams can package players from different sports and trade them to another city. I think it could spice up the trade market a bit. What say you?
J: We think this is a great idea. Why stop there? You should be able to include your city’s fans in a trade to sweeten the deal.
R: Baltimore has some really talented baseball fans right now.
J: Trevor, of course.
R: Totally. I was just going to mention Trevor. Good build. Great sign-making fundamentals. Not afraid to take his shirt off. He’s been on ESPN countless times for showing off a big painted Orioles “O” on his belly.
J: He’s such a good fan. The Orioles could trade him for a relief pitcher.
R: And there are some great up-and-coming prospects that would really shake up the league. Scouts really like Claire.
J: Yup, Claire’s definitely going in the first round.
R: She doesn’t have the height yet but remember she’s 12. Still growing.
J: She’s got great fan potential because she has nothing else going on in her life: no friends, no hobbies, nothing. Her fan potential is basically limitless.
R: She’s a hothead, though, and the Orioles already have a fan with a big ego. Her name’s Susan. It’ll be interesting to see how those personalities mix.
J: Honestly, why stop at just fans? I say, the Knicks trade the Freedom Tower for Jared Dudley, Anthony Davis, a draft pick, and the Hollywood sign.
HALFTIME! Here’s our halftime show:
Do you think you could survive a trip across the Antarctic? With a full support team and supplies?
R: This is the perfect question for us.
J: We’re huge expedition guys.
R: The way we survive every expedition is, I let Jeremy feed off my body to survive.
J: And I let Rajat feed off mine to survive.
R: You don’t even need a support team or supplies. It’s easy.
J: It’s not that hard. Go with a friend and eat each other. People act like expeditions are hard.
R: Expeditions are easy as fuck.
J: Neither of us would have died on the Oregon Trail.
R: The Oregon Trail is one of the easiest trails.
J: For us.
R: Oregon Trail was rated double black diamond at the time, which is totally insane.
J: Oregon Trail is a bunny slope.
R: A lot of the Oregon Trail guys used wagons. That’s cheating.
J: Oh my god, using a wagon on the Oregon Trail is so pathetic. And by the way? Horseback is the same thing as a wagon.
R: If you talk to any serious expeditioner and you get caught saying, “Yeah I’m gonna go trade my furs on horseback” or “I’m searching for gold in my wagon,” you’re going to get the nastiest look.
J: The second you leave, they’re just going to totally shit on you.
R: At a certain point on the Oregon Trail you have to take the training wheels off.
J: It’s how you learn to play the game.
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How long after an athlete departs your team is it still appropriate to wear their jersey to a game?
J: As soon as the athlete is traded, you have to stop wearing their jersey.
R: You can’t wear a LeBron jersey to a Heat game, or a Russell Westbrook jersey to a Wizards game.
J: So the thing you have to do is beg the athlete to rejoin the team.
R: You already bought the jersey, it’s only fair.
J: But you have to get in touch with them first, which can be tricky.
R: Defector doesn’t encourage tracking down athletes, but they’ve said nothing about tracking down athletes’ close friends, relatives, or acquaintances from college. Find someone in their inner circle and go from there. For instance, a simple Google search will tell you Russell Westbrook has a 4-year-old son named Noah. A little more digging will probably tell you what daycare Noah attends. And, well, Russell Westbrook’s gotta pick up his son from daycare at some point!
J: I want to distance myself from that answer, because that’s insane. You don’t harass an athlete’s family. What I’d do instead is get to them through the dark web. First, you have to download a software called Tor, and once you’re on the dark web, it’s smooth sailing. Here’s the thing, though. You probably think what you’re looking for on there is a hit man to threaten the athlete into talking to you, right? Wrong. And it’s not about buying child porn and planting it in the athlete’s locker either. There’s a simpler solution: buying their personal data.
R: Right. You get their personal data on the dark web, and just like that you’re on the phone with Russell begging him to rejoin the Wizards because you already bought the jersey.
J: Also on the dark web, you can read Defector without paying for a subscription.
R: That’s despicable.
J: The dark web is a disgusting place where sick freaks bypass paywalls.
I hope you’re well and are having an enjoyable day. … I have been browsing through your blog, And have read a number of articles with much interest. I would love to be associated with your reputed publication as a guest blogger. Please let me know if you’d be interested in allowing me to contribute to your blog.
J: I think this is also spam, but Defector is always looking for new voices. But you have to go through the proper channels.
R: Do what we did: Freelance at a sister site of Deadspin and make enough noise around them that they’re forced to ask why you’re there.
J: Make sure the sister site is running out of money and unable to give you work. That way, you end up taking naps on the stairs. This will also get you noticed by the staff.
R: Eventually they will do a walkout and start a new website. Soon after, they will ask you to do a guest blog because one of them is on vacation.
J: That’s how Samer got his start.
R: And Tom Ley.
Do you have any memories of the moments when you realized the internet was an amazing, innovative invention that was going to change the rest of your life? … For example I was born in 1983 and can still remember being in my friend Chris’ basement and looking up batting averages of the 1997 Seattle Mariners at 3 in the morning.
J: Great question. Rajat and I are sort of amateur internet historians.
R: When I think of innovations that changed the course of the internet landscape, I think of Napster and the advent of file sharing, Facebook and social media of course. Then of course, Lemon Party and its groundbreaking use of three guys sucking each other off.
J: The three elderly men having sex had never been seen online, you have to remember.
R: It changed everything, it completely changed the way we think of computing.
J: And it changed the rest of my life. Remember—when the computer was invented, nobody thought a website dedicated to three elderly men sucking each other off could exist.
R: It was completely unthinkable at the time.
J: Obviously a lot of people think 2 Girls, 1 Cup was a revolutionary moment, but without Lemon Party—there IS NO 2 Girls, 1 Cup.
R: There’s no cup.
J: The next most amazing moment in internet history is any time Rajat and I do a video.
R: There’s a little bit of Lemon Party in everything we do.
At what age do your kids stop ruining your car? I want to get something nicer but it’s just not worth it with young kids.
R: Ditch the kid.
J: Get the car.
Email of the week!
I don’t tend to fully agree with your frequent declaration/lamentation that rock is dead. I submit to you these counterexamples: Black Pistol Fire, The Heavy (are they still a thing?), The Sheepdogs (a great incarnation of a modern 70s rock band – just listen to “I Don’t Know”) -, Bright Light Social Hour. Rock as an industry stalwart is dead and obviously wasn’t too big to fail but rock persists and good rock bands emerge, just to less and less fanfare.
J: Oh totally. Rock is not dead. Like you said, Black Pistol Fire, The Heavy, The Sheepdogs, Bright Light Social Hour—these are all bands that people know.
R: You can’t leave the house without hearing about Black Pistol Fire.
J: What are the other rock bands that are massive right now? The Johnson Collective, obviously. Black Neon Fire.
R: These bands are all over the charts: Stick Shift Overdrive, My Mortal Knight, Eversilence, Strip Club Roulette, Your Presence Is A Curse (YPC for short), Night Drive, Ketamine Crosses, Purple Nightshift, The Cross And The Kettle.
J: These bands are household names. Music is being dominated by Lil Nas X, Billie Eilish, and Your Presence Is a Curse.
R: Renegade Roses, Mobius.
J: Harbinger Of Steel, Hellfire, The Hurt, The Pain Of My Enemy.
R: Silverback Gorilla (listen to “Too In Love To Stop”).
J: Sunny Side Down.
R: Jets On Demand.
J: Jets On Demand is the name on everyone’s lips right now.
R: Fire For Hire. These are some of the biggest bands in the world.