Skip to contents
Life's Rich Pageant

Wife Needs Crudités!

Screenshot: Twitter

The genre of American political candidates—a vat filled to the brim with uncanny freaks whose physical presence alone is enough to make anyone’s skin crawl—trying and failing to act folksy and normal so as to appeal to as many folksy and normal voters as possible, all of whom are just a figment of some pollster’s imagination, is a rich one. What I’m saying is that you’ve got to go out there and really humiliate yourself, to a truly alarming degree, in order to get noticed. The bar has been set very high by some of the biggest weirdos to ever stand in front of a camera, and it’s tough to clear.

Dr. Oz, who is somehow running for Senate in Pennsylvania despite living in New Jersey, just went soaring right over that bar.

There is zero chance this man had ever set foot in a grocery store before this was filmed, which probably explains why he’s talking like there are cotton balls stuffed into his mouth and why he’s doing his shopping with all the assuredness of someone walking down a hallway of funhouse mirrors. Iam here at wegdmerns to do some grosheryshopping. OK, man!

If there is anything redeeming about our political system, it might be this, one of those fleeting moments in which we get to see a very stupid person debase himself while trying to complete one of the most basic tasks that any human can be asked to perform. This guy is struggling. Look at him, standing there with several pounds of vegetables which have never been dipped into guacamole or salsa, whining at us about crudités. It feels good to not be that guy, at least.