This here is not a personal diatribe about Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce. I got no beef with either of these two crazy kids. Swift is one of the hardest-working entertainers in show business, and Kelce is one of the greatest tight ends to ever play pro football. They’re more than welcome to fall in love, and Swift is more than welcome to pen songs about her man’s girthy member. The pair are also free to tie the knot anytime, and anywhere, they like. Except for …
One of the biggest events of the summer has been a mystery: When and where are Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce getting married? And when does everyone get to celebrate?
New details confirmed by The New York Times suggest a multiple-day event at Madison Square Garden, which an entertainment industry executive said Ms. Swift had rented.
The entertainment industry executive and another person with knowledge of the matter described the anticipated festivities: On July 2, the plans call for an intimate gathering of about 100 people at the Garden. The next day on July 3, about 1,000 guests would gather there for a splashier celebration, with possible stage appearances.
Seriously? You two are getting married at Madison Square fucking Garden? YOU FUCKING ASSHOLES.
I’d like to believe that this news is all one giant feint conceived to shield Tayvis from the paparazzi hordes as they quietly get married on some private island somewhere. But we've already seen video of stagehands moving food and gear into the arena, a venue that coincidentally has no public bookings over the holiday weekend. You’ve also heard, via the The New York Times, that Team Tay-Tay may have filed permits with New York City to close streets around the Garden starting today, and going through July 4, to accommodate the event. For a woman who’s worth ten figures, a misdirect this cumbersome can’t be dismissed out of hand.
But the much more likely scenario is that this is all very real, because both of these people are attention-starved losers.
According to that Times report, Swift and Kelce will have an “intimate gathering of about 100 people” for the formal ceremony today, and then 1,000 people tomorrow for “a splashier celebration, with possible stage appearances.” Presumably, Swift has already dragged Billy Joel out of the Garden catacombs so that he might serenade the couple with “Scenes from an Italian Restaurant” for their first dance and husband and wife. It’s a somewhat charming visual, so long as you don’t think about the literal thousands of New Yorkers who will run headlong into NYPD barricades as they attempt to leave Manhattan for the weekend as a lethal heat wave descends on the city.
You also have to deliberately forget that there’s no such thing as an intimate gathering at a fucking basketball arena. Why not just buy a pair of Knicks tickets and get married on the Kiss Cam, you two? Well, a source told Page Six that Swift and Kelce chose the Garden for their nuptials because, “privacy was of number one importance to them both.” Oh really? You know what’s more private than Madison Square Garden? LITERALLY ANYWHERE ELSE ON EARTH. And if you wanna stage a miniature Jingle Ball for your reception, you can also stage that literally anywhere else, especially when you got $2 billion in your bank account. Go get married at the Great American State Fair if you don’t wish to be seen by anyone. Or, if you’re super horny for a destination wedding, at least choose a destination more appealing than boring-ass midtown. The possibilities are both endless and romantic. With that in mind, why the fuck would two people as talented as Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce decide to get married at MSG, of all places?
I’ll tell you why: because they’re selfish pricks with shit taste. Swift herself is no stranger to greed, and Kelce is a human Labrador who loves to get belly rubs from passing strangers. There’s no romance in getting married at such a large, exceedingly public venue. There is only the flex of doing so. There is only, OMG you guys I got married at Madison Square Garden! Isn’t that wild?!
There’s also no reason to build your own Disney castle for the occasion unless, like the majority Swift’s catalog, you have the maturity of an 11-year-old. There is only the performance of doing so. There is only filming your “splashier celebration” at the Garden in IMAX so that you can release shitty concert movie of it five months from now. When Swift and Kelce first started dating, I thought it was all just one big stunt. Well, this bullshit wedding proves that it really has been a stunt, only one far more extensive, and tiresome, than I’d ever imagined. Join us two years from now when Swift delivers her first child at Talladega Speedway. Presale starts August 1.
