Drew Magary’s Thursday Afternoon NFL Dick Joke Jamboroo runs every Thursday at Defector during the NFL season, except when Ashley doesn’t file it until Friday at 3:58 p.m. Got something you wanna contribute? Email the Roo. And buy Drew’s new book, The Night The Lights Went Out, through here. Drew’s off this week.
Wikipedia editors are some of the most depraved, shameless miscreants to ever walk this earth. They will sacrifice hours of their lives, their children’s lives, any potential modicum of true joy they might one day feel, all for the sake of their precious edits.
Unpaid, unsung, and overcaffeinated, they form lifelong rivalries with people who call themselves things like BigBonerforScience and momismeamericagoogle. They call for the mods at the very first sign of hostility. They accuse 70 percent of the people they interact with of being sockpuppet accounts. And they will fight over which type of lemon best represents the color yellow until their fingers bleed. They are our nation’s true heroes, and they’re ready to absolutely murder each other over whether Santa Claus is real.
There are no fewer than 12 total archived pages of the Santa Claus talk page. Nearly every one has a roughly 12,000-word debate over Santa’s existence specifically. Many of them contain some version of this:
Unfortunately, most Wikipedia Talk pages (where editors battle over what ultimately makes it to the page) are never seen, hidden from the masses and relegated to the shadows. But today, on this Christmas Eve, we bring the discussions that actually shape our world to light. Because Christmas is about truth, and how fucking dare u.
While I cannot possibly bring myself to delve into all the “Is Santa real” debates, and am not even sure there are enough years in a human life to do so, this gives you a decent idea of The Discourse.
Meanwhile, this section here gives you a decent idea of David getting his shit rocked.
It’s a fucking ad hom–off over here, boys.
As much as I want to agree with Arcayne below, he’s being a smarmy ass and I am now forced to believe that Santa is real.
Whoops, never mind, Santa is fake again. Get fucked, EconomicsGuy.
This is what is traditionally known in cinema as a “meet cute.”
But, you might say, surely kids who barely know how to read aren’t actually scouring Wikipedia looking for the truth about Santa? You moron. You absolute fool.
Here we have an eminently fair question from “unsigned”:
And something for us all to think about:
What is Wikipedia trying to hide?
Among the various timeless questions posed on these pages is one that has racked parents for ages. Namely, is Santa driving our children to drugs? (The answer is yes.)
User Arcayne responded to the above with an ironclad rebuttal: “Lots of us saw Bugs Bunny and Wile E. Coyote commit all sorts of violent mayhem; none of the crazy nuts who do mayhem in the real world never seem to claim them as being responsible for their acts.”
I know that, personally, whenever I get my feet stuck in two paint cans, causing me to tumble out of a window only to land in the path of a falling piano, I have no one to blame but myself. Whatever happened to personal responsibility?
Anyway, Applejuicefool agreed.
Wuffyz then had this to add:
This one is not a question really, but absolutely, my man.
All of this in general is devastating for the Greeks.
Solidarity with SantaClausIsTheGreatest in his eternal quest for transparency and justice.
Merry Christmas, my friends.
All games in the Jamboroo are evaluated for sheer watchability on a scale of 1 to 5 Throwgasms.
Colts at Cardinals: Here’s one of the clearest memories from my youth: When I was younger—I wanna say maybe 6—my parents kept me under the impression that Santa was, in fact, real. This was done in the hopes that I, a Jew, wouldn’t go telling all my Christian friends the truth about their world. One day, my older sister and brother whispered to me in the back of the car that my parents were lying and the entire thing was a farce. As a lifelong agent for truth, I insisted my mother and father tell me the truth. When they continued to lie to my face, I began to scream and weep until they finally relented and told me what I knew in my heart: My friends were idiots, and Santa is fake.
I was then made to swear that I would not reveal this sacred knowledge to a soul, which I readily agreed to. That Monday at school, I told every single fucking person I could find that their parents were liars and magic is dead. I vaguely remember one of the kids getting upset and crying. This is widely known as the first blog.
Bills at Patriots: All right, look, I realize this blog might be “late” in terms of when Jamboroos are traditionally posted. Barry and Tom are very mad at me, while Samer mostly just seems disappointed (much worse). But before we go pointing fingers, let’s look at the facts.
Fact: I’m pretty sure, when I first agreed to take up this great honor, I was asked simply to do the “Christmas Jamboroo.”
Fact: It’s not even Christmas yet, technically.
Fact: I cannot possibly be expected to know when Jamboroos run or, frankly, what they are supposed to consist of.
Fact: I’m pretty sure I was never given an actual deadline.
Fact: It’s a little antisemitic to immediately ask the Jew to handle the Christmas blog, no?
Fact: Haven’t my people suffered enough?
I’m sure Barry is going to fill this with “editor’s notes” disputing these explicit truths, but to be perfectly frank, they’re almost certainly lies. Stay vigilant, friends.
Niners at Titans
Ravens at Bengals
Rams at Vikings: I did fantasy football for the first time this year, and here’s a thing they don’t tell you: You just have to kind of hope your guys doesn’t get injured. Where’s the skill in that? How was I supposed to know that Dalvin Cook was going to hurt his shoulder every other week and that I was supposed to have more than just eight quarterbacks on my bench?
Steelers at Chiefs
Browns at Packers
Giants at Eagles: One thing I think about more than can possibly be normal is this necklace, which was gifted to Hillary Clinton by Katy Perry during the 2016 presidential campaign.
It seemed like a risky gift at the time, and now, an absolutely devastating own. Did Hillary throw it away? Is it sitting somewhere in the back of a closet, forgotten by literally everyone but me? Did she ever wear it even once? Is it just Bill’s now? If you know anything about the necklace, please contact me immediately.
WFT at Cowboys
Broncos at Raiders
Bucs at Panthers
Bears at Seahawks: Tom and Barry are so mad at me.
Chargers at Texans
Lions at Falcons
Jaguars at Jets
Pregame Song That Makes Me Wanna Run Through A Goddamn Brick Wall
I’m not entirely sure why, but upon reading this, the first thing I thought of was the time I went to a Buckcherry concert in high school (do not want to talk about it, will not be answering questions at this time). About midway through, I realized my English teacher was standing maybe seven people away from me. This would have been relatively OK if we hadn’t immediately made eye contact as soon as I noticed this. Shortly after, the band began leading the audience in what felt like a 10-minute long chant of “CO-CAINE.” We both stood absolutely still, made eye contact again about midway through, and I’ve never craved death more in my life. Anyway, remember Buckcherry?
Worst Quarterback In The League Of The Week
I can’t speak to “this week” or whether he is the worst by traditional standards, but as the sole quarterback on my fantasy team that just lost in the first round of the playoffs, Justin Herbert is dead to me. So many guys got so many more points than him. What’s more, no one tells you before you pick your guys that sometimes there are weeks where certain guys don’t play (also Justin Herbert’s fault). Just an absolute disgrace.
Bad Local Commercial Of The Week!
I feel like I was supposed to get some sort of set of entries to choose from. This did not happen. Instead, here’s a video I like a lot that used to be on Youtube but now can only be found on one of its weird mirror sites.
Fire This Asshole!
Is there anything more exciting than a coach losing his job? All year long, we’ll keep track of which coaches will almost certainly get fired at year’s end or sooner. And now, your potential 2021 chopping block:
Jon Gruden – FIRED!!!!
Urban Meyer – FIRED!!!!
(* – potential midseason firing)
Gametime Cheap Beer Of The Week
Here’s what I have to say about this one:
Dan Campbell’s Clump Dog Of The Week: ???
I tried to look back at an older version of Jamboroo to figure out what this was, only to find it completely inscrutable. I then looked up another to precisely the same result. Half of these categories feel like a weird prank, and Dan Campbell sounds like a name I’d make up if I was trying to explain why this post was late (“my neighbor, uh … Dan Campbell … locked me in the elevator”). I swear to you all, I will get to the bottom of this.
Sunday Afternoon Movie Of The Week For Jaguars Fans
I have a hard time believing this is a regular section not some sort of prank to try to force me to look up what the Jaguars are. Regardless, I asked noted sports nut Emma Carmichael for some insight. Here’s what she had to say:
Tell them to watch Mother! bc it’s probably a more pleasurable experience than watching the jaguars play 😜
Gratuitous Simpsons Quote
Shoutout to Zelphi on this one:
Bart: Hey, where’d that cool, creepy Santa come from?
John: Japan. Except over there they call him “Annual Gift Man” and he lives on the moon.
Enjoy the games, everyone.