And Take Your Stupid Hat, Too!

Haley Stevens was not on the ballot in Michigan, because the outgoing House rep had already lost her Senate bid in the Democratic primary back in August. But with a sudden burst of ineptitude reminiscent of the 2000s Detroit Lions, she found a novel way to lose on Tuesday.

The 43-year-old from the suburbs—clearly still raw from the fact that Abdul El-Sayed beat her despite all her money, perhaps also mind-alteringly horny for her fiance Jason Turkish—made a shock endorsement of the Republican candidate, Mike Rogers, at the 11th hour. This choice, the logic of which Stevens could not articulate even given many chances, made her as welcome among Democrats as Ron Artest at a Pistons home game. It also paid off about as well as the Tigers' 2017 Justin Verlander trade, with El-Sayed beating Rogers like Michigan basketball beat UConn. Haley Stevens in 2026 has officially tied the '08 Lions' record for fewest wins in a year: zero.

To close her multi-day display of bizarre vindictiveness and sudden paranoia, Stevens made a decision that's especially easy to laugh about: the hat. While trying not to bump into her mother on the sidewalk on their way to vote, Stevens spoke into the news camera about—I don't know, probably stickin' it to 'em or something. I was too distracted to listen, owing to her humongous beige headgear.

Tuesday was a glorious underdog win for El-Sayed, like the Pistons taking out the Lakers in the Finals. While the Michiganders who didn't try to stab him in the back during a campaign filled with Islamophobic fear-mongering celebrate, it is now time for Stevens to hang up her accent and exit public life in Michigan. I'd compare her to Dylan Larkin in that sense, but that's too dismissive of the former Red Wings captain, who actually scored goals before he blew up his life there. Stevens is much more akin to the fly buzzing around a Coney Island, or the construction on I-696, or Matt Millen. Nobody wants you; go away. Bye!