Why Your Team Sucks 2026: New York Giants

Some people are fans of the New York Giants. But many, many more people are NOT fans of the New York Giants. This 2026 Defector NFL team preview is for those in the latter group. Read all the previews so far here.

Your team: WHAT’S IN THE TENT?! I BET THERE’S FREE CANDY IN THERE!

Your 2025 record: A 4-13 shitshow that laid the foundation for a remarkable amount of false hope leading into the 2026 campaign. The Giants went into last season embarking on one of their trademark partial rebuilds. They had a hotshot rookie QB, one of the best young wideouts in the game, and an imposing defensive front that reminded (drunk) fans of this franchise’s championship pass rushes of yore. At the same time, they also had one of the worst head coaches in the league, a GM dumber than your kid, and Jameis Winston. Did the positives end up outweighing the negatives? Reader, they did not.

Opening the season with Russell Wilson as their designated sacrificial lamb, the Giants were crushed by Washington in Week 1. When Russ redeemed himself with 450 passing yards the following week, they still lost to Dallas anyway when Cowboys K Brandon Aubrey nailed a 64-yarder at the gun to send the game to OT, and then a shorter figgie at the gun in OT to end it. The Giants also handed Kansas City its first win of the season while also gifting Patrick Mahomes his own fumble back to him. The “G” in “G-men” stands for Gentle!

Somehow we haven’t gotten to the ugly parts yet. After giving up two 80-plus-yard TDs in a loss to New Orleans, the Giants suffered a truly epic collapse in Denver when they gave up 33 points to the Broncos in the fourth quarter alone. They led Denver 26-8 with under six minutes to play in that game. Broncos K Wil Lutz would end up burying them at the gun. Not finished embarrassing themselves, Big Blew gave up 150 rushing yards to Saquon Barkley in a beatdown courtesy of Philly, then gave up 173 scrimmage yards to Christian McCaffrey a week later in a loss to San Francisco. A couple of weeks after that, they let RB Jahmyr Gibbs of Detroit post 264 scrimmage yards of his own, including this house call on the first snap of OT.

What else we got? Oh right: a blown 20-10 fourth quarter lead in Chicago, a grand total of 13 net passing yards in a loss to Minnesota, and two meaningless wins at the very end of the season to blow their chance at the No. 1 overall pick. Head coach Brian Daboll was fired midseason. Rookie QB sensation Jaxson Dart was concussed 900 times, which frankly probably made him smarter. God-level wideout Malik Nabers tore his ACL and then took his time off to (correctly) shit on the team in public. Rookie pass rusher Abdul Carter got benched twice for playing hooky during team meetings. Fourth-round steal and aspiring alchemist Cam Skattebo dislocated his ankle. And Dart spent so much time in the blue medical tent that everyone else on the sideline decided to hold a slumber party inside of it.

But how can you not be charmed by that last tidbit? These guys just love being near one another, and they’re all so young and talented! If the Giants got themselves a no-bullshit, real-deal head coach to pair with this roster, by golly they might have something!

Your coach: If you guys love injured players and blown leads, boy do I have the coach for you.

That’s former Ravens head coach John Harbaugh, firing down his new charges in the clip above. Did Johnny H shoehorn a bunch of clumsy acronyms into his sales pitch? HIT! (He Is Tacky!). Harbaugh only signed on with the Giants after owner John “That’s Mister to you, young man” Mara pinky swore to clean the old-person smell out of the building. Mara also promised Harbaugh final say over the roster, rendering GM Joe Schoen a needless appendage on the org chart. The Giants still gave Schoen a four-year contract extension in July anyway. This franchise acts as a perennial microcosm of how our country is an abysmal failure in every possible way.

Anyway, you can argue that Harbaugh’s arrival portends a renaissance for the Giants. To make that case, however, you have to ignore the fact that the Ravens were sick of the blown leads, the endless injuries, and the general water-treading they endured under him for well over a decade. This man is as washed as Bill Belichick, minus the near ephebophilia.

You also have to look past this man serving as your new offensive coordinator:

Yes that’s Matt Nagy, who was quiet-fired by the Chiefs this past offseason after turning a Patrick Mahomes–led offense into a Jim Tressel wet dream. Nagy got this job when Harbaugh’s contractual dilly-dallying allowed Cleveland to hire Harbs’s first choice for OC, Todd Monken, as their new head coach. Giants fans will hate Nagy more than they hate Zohran Mamdani.

To fill out his staff, Harbaugh raided the Titans pantry to claim pass game coordinator Brian Callahan, who is the Matt Nagy of his generation. Harbs also grabbed former Titans assistant Dennard Wilson to serve as defensive coordinator. Under Wilson the past two years, the Titans went from having the second-best yardage defense in football to the 20th. This is not the stuff of sudden turnarounds. I’d say we should stick a fork in John Harbaugh, but Skattebo might try to eat him if we did so.

Your quarterback: DROP IT, MISTER!

Jaxson Dart put some killer playmaking abilities on tape last season, enough to make you think he’s ready to become one of the best young QBs in the game. The problem is that Dart is too stupid to finish a season healthy. He probably still uses his forehead to open cans of soup, he’s such a colossal shit for brains. Dart and Skattebo are the perfect successors to Brady and Gronk for the generation that will destroy literacy once and for all. Once Dart has suffered a dislocated skull sometime around Week 4, your replacement will be the steadiest hand of them all:

The only thing that offends me more than TV networks trying to make Jameis Winston America’s Lovable Cousin is the sight of Jameis Winston attempting to throw a football accurately.

What’s new that sucks: Cam Skattebo is back to 100 percent! I have proof!

Can’t believe a guy who thinks that CTE and asthma are fake would overdo it while recovering from a catastrophic lower leg injury. Every positive outlook for the Giants in 2026 relies on this valedictorian and Dart remaining healthy for a full season, which is about as likely to happen as me growing a second dick. Did I mention that Malik Nabers won’t even be starting the season on the PUP list after tearing his knee up less than a year ago? Once he re-tears that ACL in camp, you’re gonna see a lot of ill-fated passes thrown to a thoroughly washed JuJu Smith-Schuster and a near-hospice Odell Beckham. Never, ever expect the Giants to be fun.

Meanwhile, the team traded disgruntled DT Dexter Lawrence to Cincinnati and summarily went about building the entire plane out of edge rushers. They drafted tweener Arvell Reese at No. 5 to make a cheerleading pyramid with current pass rushers Brian Burns, Kayvon Thibodeaux, and Carter. Where will Reese play in this defense? Please, this guy can play anywhere, which means he’ll be stuck playing off-ball linebacker for half the season while you tear your hair out.

To make himself comfortable, Harbaugh imported a couple of former Ravens via free agency in the form of P Jordan Stout, perennial color-guy crush FB Patrick Ricard, and TE Isaiah Likely, the last of whom is probably much more dangerous in small doses. Fifty percent of Likely’s best plays end up getting overturned by the booth anyway, so don’t get too horny over his arrival.

To counter the loss of Sexy Dexy in the middle, the Giants signed journeyman DT D.J. Reader to anchor the front seven. In fact, the team’s offseason was mostly a spackle job on every unit. They lose TE Daniel Bellinger to the Titans, so they sign Likely. They lose WR Wan’Dale Robinson to the Titans, so they sign Darnell Mooney and a couple of has-beens to replace him by committee. They lose CB Cor'Dale Flott to the Titans, so they sign Greg Newsome and draft Colton Hood in the second round to fill the void. They lose Dart multiple times to concussions, so they pretend that never actually happened. You can decorate a treadmill any way you like; it’s still a treadmill.

The Giants had two top-10 picks this April, by the way. The last time that happened, they drafted Thibodeaux, whom they’ve been trying to deal since his rookie camp, and T Evan Neal, who got moved inside to guard because he fucking blows. This time, they drafted Reese, plus Miami T Francis Mauigoa who, you guessed it, will probably have to move inside to guard after NFL edge rushers turn him into ground beef. And people think this team is poised for a comeback. I have more faith in Chuck Schumer finding his fucking spine.

What has always sucked: Your minority owner, who supposedly isn’t a minority owner anymore despite being spotted in the draft room three months ago, and who authored some of the creepiest emails found in Jeffrey Epstein's inbox.

Jesus fucking Christ is there anyone at the top of the food chain in this country who isn’t a sex creep? Whatever happened to just being a regular asshole, huh? And you want me to treat the Giants like they’re the Tiffany franchise of the NFL? Zero chance. They’re fucking trash, just like the Jets are. I have negative respect for Mara, for Harbaugh, for the Giants players, and for the Giants fans. All of you are cops, and all of you deserve to have the Lincoln Tunnel cave in on you. I’d tell you to get fucked, but the other 31 teams in the league will do that job for me.

Asking a New York Italian to say the mayor's name has the same effect as putting peanut butter on the roof of a horse's mouth.

What might not suck: Those first three games where everyone is still kinda somewhat healthy? WATCH OUT!

HEAR IT FROM GIANTS FANS!

Matt:

Fuck John Harbaugh with Brian Daboll's Ozempic pen.

Todd:

Boy it's sure fucking great to be rooting for a quarterback I kinda hope gets turned into paste by opposing defenses.

D:

Two years ago I wrote in about our greatest player being a registered sex offender and now it turns out one of our owners probably should be too.

Brian:

It’s early October. The Yankees are getting eliminated by the Blue Jays and the Giants are essentially in the same spot minus a postseason berth. I’m out of beer. I just spiked my THC drink with bourbon. In order to be happy I have to watch LT highlights. I was born in 1990. My happiest memory of the past three years of Giants football is shaking Eli Manning’s hand while he was handing out rice or nuts. I’m not sure which. I was shitfaced (it was Quaker Oats).

Dave:

The most press we've ever gotten in an off-season and it was because one of our owners was in the Epstein files and our quarterback introduced Trump at an event.

Steve:

What a fun three minutes we got to celebrate having a competent new coach, before one of our owners got outed as an Epstein BFF and our quarterback thought no one in fucking New York City would notice him onstage at a MAGA rally.

Even for a guy who gets hit in the head for a living, even for a guy who grew up Mormon, and even for someone whose first name is Jaxson that dude is a fucking idiot. One of his teammates spent the draft complaining about our picks on a live stream, another went on a different stream and said that asthma isn't real, and somehow Dart is still the dumbest one here.

Jason:

I was just starting to feel good about this team after 10 years of unwatchable dipshittery. Then I saw this.

Wynne:

The stupid fucking photoshoot that Dart and Skattebo did in Canadian tuxedos and crocs has me convinced we might go winless this year.

Tom:

Where do I start? With the owner who’s all over the Epstein files and still somehow gets to have control over the team? The running back actively trying to give himself CTE who called asthmatics such as myself lazy fat people this offseason? The QB trying to out-bootlick Marco Rubio to kiss up to the fascist in chief? Joe Schoen continuing to keep his job? The fact this franchise seemingly exists solely to give Eagles fans once in a lifetime wins? That by Week 6, the starting 22 will consist solely of third stringers, undrafted free agents, practice squad call ups, waiver wire guys off the street, and Darius Slayton? The fact they've perfected how to lose on a 60+ yard field goal at the gun?

Yes.

Ed:

The Giants of late are much like AI in that they are both forced too frequently upon unwilling national audiences.

Michael:

Jaxson Dart is already overhyped and will again liquefy his own brains while pretending he is Mike Alstott.

Charlie:

Just a few fun tidbits from last season:

- Giants have now lost THIRTEEN IN A ROW to Dak Prescott (Their Week 17 win didn't break the streak, as Joe Milton was the Cowboys starting QB).

- There had been 1,602 consecutive wins by teams leading by 18 or more with 6 min or less remaining; then the Giants pissed away a 26-8 lead to the Broncos with 5:13 remaining.

-The Giants have not been above .500 at any point since the start of the 2023 season, unlike the Browns, Jets, and Saints. 

The combination of Dart/Skattebo/Nabers/Likely will result in fun, watchable offensive football for the five games tops that all four are healthy together. 

Will Dart's Trump rally appearance stop me from cheering his every touchdown? No, because I am a piece of shit hypocrite. Certainly not gonna weep over any of his several concussions though. 

Between the Knicks and the World Cup, this has been a summer of immaculate sports vibes in the tri-state area. The best in probably 25 years. Can't wait to see the Giants & Jets bring it all crashing down.

Drew (not me):

Their big offensive signing was a guy that Harbaugh had on his last team that couldn’t beat out the corpse of Mark Andrews. Harbaugh is Phil Jackson 2.0: just here to cash checks and get a cushier retirement. 

Tyler:

Every year this team blows at least one win that a reasonably competent Division III squad could have polished off. I was in Disneyland the day of the Denver catastrophe and I paid way too much attention to it. Happiest place on Earth, my ass.

I don't know when the first regular-season 70-yard field goal will happen, but it will absolutely beat the Giants at the buzzer.

Fuck Matt Dodge.

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