Why Your Team Sucks 2025: Kansas City Chiefs

Some people are fans of the Kansas City Chiefs. But many, many more people are NOT fans of the Kansas City Chiefs. This 2025 Defector NFL team preview is for those in the latter group. Read all the previews so far here.

Your team: “The Last Great American Dynasty”

Your 2024 record: “Sweet Nothing”

The Kansas City Chiefs went 15-2 last year and made the Super Bowl. Do not let that distract you: They were fucking terrible. They were the luckiest team in the history of football. I am probably not exaggerating! Per the FTN Football Almanac, their overperformance in record relative to wins expected was the biggest since the merger.

But advanced stats cannot even capture just how unbelievably lucky the Chiefs were last season. Including playoffs, 12 of their 17 wins were by one score. They beat the Broncos on a blocked chip-shot field goal. They beat the Ravens because Isaiah Likely’s toe was out of bounds in the end zone. They would’ve lost to Tampa if the Bucs had just gone for a two-point conversion late in regulation. They doinked in a field goal to beat the Chargers. Patrick Mahomes, his own decline accelerated by the team’s collapse around him, has been saved by an absolutely obvious, hilarious attempt by the league to prop him up. Give Mahomes credit: He is a tremendous flopper, a level of commitment to and excellence at the performance that I can only compare him to Rivaldo. The Chiefs could’ve lost to a shitty Houston team in the playoffs had Mahomes not drawn a ridiculous roughing the passer penalty. They could’ve lost to Buffalo in the playoffs had Dalton Kincaid remembered how to catch, or if Josh Allen had been a little better at selling quarterback sneaks. The refs would’ve given that spot to Mahomes, mind you.

But oh, the Super Bowl was glorious. Mahomes was battered all night by guys named Brandon, Josh and Milton. When he did get a pass off, he generally hit Travis Kelce in the worst place: his hands. Mahomes threw backbreaking interceptions to a rookie, and then a guy who was a castoff from the New Orleans Saints. The most backbreaking play of all might’ve come in the third quarter, when Mahomes had a fourth-down pass knocked away by a guy whose benching turned the Eagles’ whole season around. Keep in mind I haven’t even mentioned Kansas City’s defense yet, which put up an all-time depressing Super Bowl performance, giving up 40 points in a game where the Eagles were on autopilot after 40 minutes, just trying to run out the clock.

And they couldn’t even do that right! The game was 40-6 in the final few minutes, but the Chiefs made things look like they were respectable by finally waking up against a team of backup defensive backs and an offense quarterbacked by Kenny Pickett. Xavier Worthy had the best Super Bowl performance by a WR not named Jerry Rice, all in garbage time. The Chiefs just had to make it look like they competed. They are the first team to run up the score from behind.

Your coach: “Mr. Perfectly Fine”

Andy Reid is an all-time coach with massively successful tenures with two teams, three Super Bowl wins, and also someone who has never, ever been prepared for a big game in the history of his coaching career.

Reid has been to six Super Bowls. He has won three! But his team has trailed by 10-plus points each time. In 18 trips to Super Bowls and championship games, Reid’s teams have trailed by 10-plus in 12 of them. Here, I made a chart!

In recent years he has somehow become a constant presence during network TV commercials, a thing people only watch during NFL games. Reid is so bland his most memorable ad spots involve recreating old insurance commercials or referencing the fumblerooski, a play made famous by college football coaches in the 1980s. Reid has never run it.

In May 2024, someone shot the Chiefs’ offices three times. One bullet went through a window and lodged in wall about 15 feet from where Reid was sitting. It was a secret until the Kansas City Star reported it last month, in a story that contained this sentence: “That’s roughly 15 feet from Reid’s desk—the approximate distance between a 15-month well-kept secret and a stunning tragedy.”

That report also led to this headline on the Sporting News’ website: “Andy Reid gunshot incident, explained.” I just wanted to share some other quality writing about the Chiefs.

Your quarterback: “Hits Different”

If there’s a pitchman worse than Reid, it’s Patrick Mahomes. TV commercials have turned quarterbacks as weird as Peyton Manning (“Cut! That! Meat!”) and as annoying as Brett Favre (“I would’ve double-bagged it”) into amusing pitchmen, but Mahomes just stands there while a guy in a red polo shirt explains car insurance. I want to see Mayhem put a wrecking ball through Jake From State Farm.

Pretty soon we may only see Mahomes in commercials. He cannot keep living like this. Over the last two years, per FTN, he took 163 QB hits. This doesn’t include sacks—he’s been sacked 63 times the last two seasons as well. Appropriately, he had the worst yards per attempt and yards per catch of his career last season. He does not go deep anymore. His best throw of last season came with his team down 26 points with two minutes left in the year. Am I allowed to say he’s cooked? He’s coooooooked.

If Mahomes goes down, the Chiefs will put the offense in the capable hands of … wait, I can’t be reading this right. Gardner Minshew??? Their best receiver is Rashee Rice, who only played four games last season and has been suspended for the first six of this year. “I urge everyone to mind the speed limit, drive safe and drive smart,” he said in a convincing-sounding statement after pleading guilty in a hit-and-run crash.

Travis Kelce is still the starting tight end, and he’s old. He’s basically just a souped-up version of Jason Sehorn now.

The defense is good, allegedly. It also gave up 40 points in the Super Bowl, and it coulda been 60. But, hey, at least they locked up CB Trent McDuffie to a long-term deal before the season! Oh, wait, they didn’t.

What’s new that sucks: “I Can Fix Him (No Really I Can)”

After years of drafts that focused on drafting shitty defensive players, this season the Chiefs keyed in on injured players. They spent a first-round pick on OT Josh Simmons, who tore his patellar tendon last October. Rookie DT Omarr Norman-Lott and WR Jalen Royals are also hurt.

In a desperate attempt to get Mahomes some more time to hold the ball, KC guaranteed $21 million to OT Jaylon Moore for the left tackle spot. Moore, a slightly above-average player who’s only started 12 games in his career, was getting guard reps in the preseason. Simmons will start alongside OT Jawaan Taylor, who just drew another holding flag as I was tying this. It was weird. They aren’t even playing a game.

The Chiefs have a bunch of shitty new wide receivers who … oh, wait! The Chiefs actually didn’t sign a bunch of shitty new wideouts this offseason. Instead they’re sticking with the same crew. They are expected to put up all-world numbers in garbage time.

What has always sucked (Taylor’s version): “Bad Blood”

Dear Taylor Swift,

Hi! Fellow proud Pennsylvania native here. You also went to Cookie’s Fun Shop on the Wildwood boardwalk as a kid. My cat is named Detective John Munch, and you have Olivia Benson! We have a lot in common.

From your songs I can tell you have a lot of experience with being lectured to by obnoxious men, so I wanted to give you some advice. I don’t think I can tell you anything about marriage you don’t already know. Get a king-size bed, if you and Travis are currently sleeping on a full-size mattress or whatever.

But I do think I’m qualified to give you some background on Kansas City and its football team. You are now the most famous woman associated with Kansas City, pushing Maxine from the Hallmark cards to first runner-up. This is not like being the most famous woman to attend Wyomissing Area Junior/Senior High School. No. This is much more depressing.

You are not just the most famous woman associated with Kansas City. You are the most famous person, place, or thing there as well, pushing the surface parking lot at 20th and McGee to second place. KC is also known for its BBQ, which will have you saying, “Wow, it’s about as good as anywhere else!” after just one bite.

This is the most important advice I can share, though: You are also a Chiefs superfan now, and you have quite a legacy to uphold. One guy got 17.5 years for robbing banks. Two fans, X-Factor and RedXtreme, have a long-running feud. Another famous fan is the boy who sued Zombie Deadspin for falsely saying he was in blackface. What I’m trying to say is that you have a lot to live up to.

Congratulations on your engagement. Travis seems like a great match. Give me your address and I’ll send you the Defector T-shirt with Detective on it.

Best,
Dan

What might not suck: “Is It Over Now?”

They’re the fucking Chiefs. They’re going to win between 11 and 14 games and win a playoff game or two. The defense is actually pretty good. God fucking dammit.

HEAR IT FROM CHEIFS FANS!

Conor:

The final score was 40-6.

Jordan:

I am a man all of 5'6" and well under 200 pounds. If you had slotted me in at right tackle in the Super Bowl, I don't think the offensive line would've played much worse.

Tim:

I just want them to be fun again. They turned my beautiful boy Patrick into a checkdown artist. All the fans love it because it means "he's grown as a quarterback, he takes what the defense gives him." Well all it's done is turn games into grim marches to 2 point victories.

Calvin:

The Chiefs serve as a cautionary tale to the Bills/Vikings type fans of what can happen if you get all you ever dreamed of. Priced out of ever attending games, winning killed the fan culture & made everything corporate, all while extorting both sides of the state line for a publicly funded domed stadium the owner doesn't even seem to necessarily want. 

It's too bad the Royals suck this year because I've never seen the city put their Chiefs gear away as fast they did this time.

Gavin:

The number one reason the Chiefs suck has got to be the racism that is so deeply ingrained, it's got to be a genetic trait at this point. Yeah, we have stupid fans and we have gunplay at our Super Bowl celebrations, but those are things that are usually decried by the larger parts of the fan base. But the Chiefs are racist right down to their team name. From the aping of Native American imagery, to the embarrassingly stupid/racist "Tomahawk Chop" chant, it's just a big paean to racism. A few years ago, fans at Camarohead Stadium actually booed the "End Racism" message being touted for the game. They BOOED THE MESSAGE "END RACISM."

I love this team and I will keep watching them and hoping they win. But I will nver again attend a game of theirs as long as they have that racist name and all the little racist treats sprinkled all around the stadium.

Ken:

Imagine you’ve returned from being marooned on a desert island, but through some Faustian bargain you’ve stopped subsisting on grubs and small birds, and now you can only eat at a restaurant, and that restaurant will only serve you, and only you, a nice big steak.

At first, it’s great! You love steak! The next day is great, and the next, and the next…before you know it, that first steak was in 2019, and you’ve been eating steak for years. The sight, smell, and taste of steak becomes bland and unrewarding. You see other people eating wonderfully cooked fish, pasta, and soups. It all looks so good, but you can’t have any, you must eat steak.

Soon you notice that the other people in the restaurant hate you because the staff told them you ate the last steak, so it’s no longer on the menu. You’d love to share yours with them, but you’re not allowed. Steak has become boring and predictable. It’s the same every time. You eventually get more joy out of watching other people enjoy their meal instead of your own. You tell them you would love to share and let them eat steak, but they envy you, and they don’t believe you, no matter how much you say otherwise.

Welcome to being a fan of the Kansas City Chiefs. I had the privilege of a lifetime to watch them win a Superbowl in Miami with my dad and sister. It was a wonderful moment I’ll never forget. Finally slaying an entire dimension of demons.

In February, as they got their asses handed to them by the Eagles, I was quietly enjoying a night with friends, drinking and eating with the game in the background. Getting blown out in a Superbowl? Been there, done that. I’d have preferred seeing the Lions, or the Bills, or the Ravens. Those teams are fun to watch, fun to root for. They have fun players. This team? It’s boring.

I didn’t even mention the Christmas movie, the 5 seconds of Taylor Swift they show per game that apparently enrages people, the fact that every person affiliated with this team shouldn’t be allowed to drive, the one penalty every game people complain about, or that Patrick Mahomes saw Kamala Harris’ proposed capital gains tax and went from Black Lives Matter to All Lives Matter over night. 

Anyway, see y’all in the Superbowl! (again…)

Fiddlesticks:

The Super Bowl loss against the Eagles was a complete and utter embarrassment, the likes of which we haven’t seen since the last KC Super Bowl loss against the Bucs. The first one ran off my back like no big deal and this one should have done the same. Nope. Inside I am a petulant piss baby because Mahomes and Co. didn’t get three straight. At this point it’s pure entitlement and we Chiefs fans deserve every last drop of misery. 

Mo:

After years of marching out retread quarterbacks from San Francisco, the Chiefs were gifted a generational talent in Mahomes, and now they apparently are trying to kill him.

Jean:

I don’t know why I fucking bother, being associated with either disconnected bandwagoners or mouth-breathing dunces, both groups I can easily be confused with depending on the context. And even though this city, this team and event this sport mean nothing to me I know I will sign up for another season.

Chiefs football is actually one of the clearest reminders that I’m not better than anybody.

Franklin:

The name sucks, the chop really really sucks, and neither will ever change. They still bang a big damn drum before kickoff in the stadium! It’s embarrassing. 

Also, I honestly think NFL fans should be more compassionate towards us because we are 3-2 in the Super Bowl in the Mahomes Era. I am aware that this is misguided. 

Bryan:

Leaving aside the *gestures broadly at the entire organization*, it should be impossible for an offense designed by Andy Reid and quarterbacked by an in-his-prime Patrick Mahomes to be as dull as it has been the past two years. Turns out sticking a guard at LT and having an “OOPS! All Skyy Moore” WR group has its limits. 

Cale:

Matt Nagy makes Eric Bieniemy look like 2003 Norm Chow 

Kyle:

Watching that Super Bowl beatdown was like watching the scene where Old Yeller gets shot on a 3-hour loop.

Taylor’s bound to write a diss song about Kelce in the near future.

Aaron:

Well, I hope you’re all happy. Eagles fans are even bigger insufferable dirtbag wannabes then before, and the Chiefs bandwagon VOLTRON of broccoli haired squads of Jaxons/Chads/Brads and Connors, Taylor loving moms in Kelce jerseys, MAGA chuds who love Brittany Mahomes more than they love voting against their own best interests, the illiterate drunk of Missouri (all), and me (Paul Rudd), are all sad butthurt crybabies because we didn’t win a 3rd straight Super Bowl. Does that make you feel good?? I’m guessing it might.

I have become a prisoner of this team’s success. The Mahomes era is all I ever wanted out of my fandom, but the golden era is now stale and each season it becomes harder to root for the team while being actively repulsed by the conversation around and about it, my fandom being subsumed by my loathing of what this team has come to represent off the field.

So hate all you want, but please do it for the right reason - not because they get calls, or because they are boring, or because Andy still can’t manage a game and Veach is a shitty GM who won’t sign a decent WR - hate them because they deserve it, because they, as much as anything else, are emblematic of this fascism-but-stupid period in our country’s history. Keep doing the chop, who fucking cares. Just turn out the lights when you’re done, cuz I’m going to bed like it’s half time of the Super Bowl.

Jake:

There are two things that are certain in Kansas City.  First, everyone that lives here has their opinion about which KC BBQ joint has the best offerings, and every answer is wrong.  Second, when a member of our receiving corps or coaching staff inevitably does some dumb shit in the off-season like they're a member of the (404 City Not Found) Raiders, any meaningful consequences will be dropped by both the league office and your friendly neighborhood prosecutor faster than an MVS deep ball.  

Mahomes and Kelce are opening a steakhouse in downtown KC called 1587, which is also the approximate number of Whataburger franchises that have sprung up in the metro over the last few years.  

Half of Harrison Butker's kicks this year looked like someone told him his wife slipped the leash and escaped the kitchen right before he took the field.

Trevor:

Even in an ancient Christian Okoye jersey that's so thin you could spit boiled peas through it, wearing Chiefs apparel in 2025 makes you look like some sort of predatory pretend Taylor Swift fan, asking "Where's my hug?" to twentysomething Swifties after you demand they take their airpods out of their ears. When I wear team apparel, I look like either a colossal creep or a bandwagoner. 

Greg:

Everybody hates the Chiefs now because everybody always hates good teams. But I’ve lived in Kansas City most of my life and even I hate them now. I love going to Chiefs games because it’s fun to shout and be a hooligan and the tailgates rule. I hate going to Chiefs games because every other person in that building just cannot fathom the thought of going three minutes without breaking into a racist chant that the organization actively encourages with an accompanying tune over the stadium speakers. It was at a tailgate before a Chiefs game that I learned what “Let’s go Brandon” was all about. The fanbase has only become more toxic since the team became good.

Sarah:

We Chiefs fans, once likable plucky underdogs, are now the spiritual equivalent of the rotten teenage children of loathsome billionaires sneering at the masses from a climate controlled suite while everyone else freezes to death on the bleachers.  Wearing Chiefs gear feels like I'm walking around in a Lockheed Martin tech vest. I hate us so much. 

Submissions for NFL previews are closed. Next up: Your Super Bowl Champion Philadelphia Eagles!