Some people are fans of the Pittsburgh Steelers. But many, many more people are NOT fans of the Pittsburgh Steelers. This 2025 Defector NFL team preview is for those in the latter group. Read all the previews so far here.
Your team: Pittsburgh Steelers.
Your 2024 record: A cut and pasted 10-7. Good thing I get to make Aaron Rodgers jokes for the bulk of this preview, because everything else about this team is the same shit you saw from them last year. And the year before that. And the year before that. In fact, you can rewind all the way to the birth of Christ and you’ll find that the Steelers went .501 that year too. Did they play down to Judea in a regular season loss that year? ‘Twas written. I get more energy previewing the fucking Titans.
Pittsburgh started off last season winning 10 of their first 13 games. This was a nearly miraculous accomplishment when you consider that, at the time, they had to employ a QB platoon of Justin Fields, who can’t pass the ball, and Russell Wilson, who can’t pass as human. But the three losses in that frame still provided more than enough evidence that these guys weren’t a real threat in the AFC. They lost decisively to Indianapolis, even though Joe Flacco was relief pitching for the Colts for nearly the entire game. They got beaten in the final minute, at home, by Dallas. And then there was that Thursday night game in the snow against the Browns, which ended thusly.
Jameis Winston became a temporary folk hero that night. The modern day Steelers exist mostly to provide good PR for sex offender QBs.
Anyway, this team was still 10-3 heading into the final month of the season, with four games remaining: at Philly, at Baltimore, home against Kansas City, and then home against Cincinnati. The Steelers lost all four of those games, by an aggregate score of 109-57. Both Eagles wideouts went for over 100 yards on them. They had a chance to win the AFC North outright against the Ravens, only to get run over by Derrick Henry. The Chiefs destroyed them on Christmas Day to lock up the No. 1 playoff seed for themselves. Then, in Week 18, the Steelers posted a grand total of 193 yards of offense against a Bengals defense that was so bad, everyone associated with it was fired a week later.
They still backed into the playoffs anyway … after finishing the year 0-4.
Does this sound like the kind of team that could finally win Pittsburgh a playoff game for the first time in a decade? Let’s check the game tape from their ensuing Wild Card matchup with Baltimore to see:
The Ravens ran for 299 yards that day. The game was 21-0 by halftime. And who the fuck was surprised? Lamar Jackson could have fallen into a vat of acid before that game and the outcome still would have been preordained. Even Steelers fans saw it coming, and those people are dumber than a box of raisins. Ask them how they knew, and they’ll all give you the same answer…
Your coach: Mike Tomlin, whose streak of seasons without a losing record has become the “AFC Finalist” banner of coaching accomplishments. As our old friend Dom Cosentino noted earlier this year, Mike McCarthy has twice as many playoff wins as Tomlin does since 2010. Tomlin’s offense has been nonexistent this decade, and his defense becomes the worst in football once it’s introduced to the single-game elimination format. If you point these failures out to Tomlin, he’ll just make his bullfrog face and point to the THE STANDARD IS THE STANDARD placard collecting dust on his office desk. What fucking standard? An 18-year-old virgin has higher standards than this organization.
Also, Arthur Smith is still your offensive coordinator, and his former players can’t stop raving about the man’s strategic ingenuity!
“We just didn’t know anything on offense, really. We didn’t have any identity… I really didn’t have nobody to learn from, on the offensive side.”
"I’m definitely excited to run better plays."
That second quote comes from freshly jettisoned WR George Pickens, who now plays for a team coached by Brian Schottenheimer. You could exhume the corpse of Schottenheimer’s father and get a more coherent offensive game plan than whatever FedEx Boy here is cooking up.
Your quarterback: Aaron Rodgers, currently espousing the health benefits of drinking bleach to his imaginary Canadian wife. Bringing in the guy who goes on routine diarrhea cleanses in Guatemala is dumb on the merits, because he can't play anymore. But it’s also weirdly off brand. Going 9-8 with a returning Mason Rudolph? Now that’s Steelers Football. But Rodgers whinging his way to the same record, ambling into a Sheetz on his off day and asking if they have raw water? That’s not the Steelers that I know and can easily ignore.
Here it’s worth interrogating the process that brought Rodgers to Pittsburgh to begin with. The former Packers legend ended 2024 as one of the worst passers in football, with a QBR lower than both Jameis Winston and Russell Wilson. He also got his head coach and GM in New York fired before the Jets cut him loose. Once Rodgers was out of the building at Florham Park, Jets team officials immediately Febreze-ed everything from top to bottom to rid the organization of Rodgers’s stench for good. Smelled like Sauvage mixed with witch hazel.
After that, Rodgers sat out on the curb for months, publicly angling for a job in Minnesota while sitting on a one-year offer from the Steelers that he clearly didn’t want to have to take. While our hero contemplated his future—likely while out on some sort alpaca safari—the Steelers had literal months to address a QB problem they’ve been neglecting ever since Ben Roethlisberger and his gray penis retired. They could have bid on Sam Darnold in free agency. They could have made Seattle a better offer for Geno Smith than Las Vegas did. They could have drafted Jaxson Dart, who was still available when they were on the clock this spring at the draft. They could have done ANYTHING.
Instead, they looked at the Indianapolis Colts’ QB history this decade and said, “Let’s do that, but with guys who are even older.”
So here’s Aaron Rodgers in town, and here’s the requisite honeymoon period quote that his arrival elicited from Tomlin:
“He loves football,” Tomlin declared. “That’s the thing that’s on the tip of my tongue. He displays it daily. He has a love affair with this game — one that he’s willing to share with others. He’s passionate about it, and I think it’s contagious.”
Again, you and I have seen this before. We’ve seen it so, so many times. Join us in October when the bloom if off the rose and Rodgers is going on Pat McAfee to show where on the doll Dr. Fauci touched him. I’m done talking about this pile of shit.
Your QB2 is Rudolph. Your QB3 is a horse race between Dolphins flameout Skylar Thompson and rookie Will Howard. Burn it. Burn all of it.
What’s new that sucks: WR DK Metcalf had arguably his worst season as a professional a year ago in Seattle, so naturally the Steelers traded a second rounder for him and then handed Metcalf $60 million in fully guaranteed money. I’ve seen fewer has-beens on a Big3 roster.
Metcalf is here as a replacement downfield threat for Pickens, who was traded to Dallas over the offseason. He joins CB Jalen Ramsey as the only other name brand arrival. Ramsey came here, along with TE Jonnu Smith, in a trade that sent former All Pro S Minkah Fitzpatrick back to Miami. Did Steelers fans smear Minkah after he was gone? Of course they did. The Rooney family knows to get these mouthbreathers to do their dirty work for them. Any player who leaves is an ungrateful black man, any player who stays is Pat Freiermuth.
Speaking of staying, edge rusher T.J. Watt finally got the massive contract extension he’d been asking for. He’ll get Ramsey as a new teammate, along with a pair of extremely Steelersy draft picks in DT Derrick Harmon and edge rusher Jack Sawyer. That means this team will likely have an excellent (regular season) defense, one that will be asked to win multiple games single-handedly. Cut. Pasted. J.J. Watt wasted his career playing for a two-bit franchise like the Texans. His brother's career is going to end up just as meaningless, only while playing for a team that pretends to matter.
The good news is that GM Omar Khan grabbed every draftnik’s crush, RB Kaleb Johnson, on Day 2 this April. The Steelers have no problem waiting until the heat death of the solar system to find a QB. But the second they need an umpteenth spiritual heir to Jerome Bettis, they are ON THE CASE. You guys will establish the run until your balls explode. Someone took the exact wrong lesson from the Eagles’ Super Bowl blueprint.
Apart from Rodgers, this team added no starters via free agency this offseason, I guess because it would violate franchise tradition or something. At least you guys won’t have to watch Najee Harris fall down two yards past the line of scrimmage 18 times a game anymore. He’s blind now.
What has always sucked: I wasn’t assigned the Colts preview this summer, so let me use this space to say, unequivocally, fuck Pat McAfee:
When searching for a way to reach young male audiences, ESPN decided to give $200 billion to PG-13 Dave Portnoy. Pat McAfee is only famous because he paid Rodgers to come on his show. Otherwise, he has all the charm of Big Ben in a used punter’s body. And you yinzers aren’t allowed to disown him. I’ve been to your city, Pittsburgh. I’ve seen what kind of mammals populate that town. If anything, Pat McAfee represents the BEST of you. The average Steelers fan has full torso edema and would let Deshaun Watson date their children.
So why should any of us feel bad that your team now exists as a freeze-frame? What are you gonna do, brag SIXSBURGH at me? Oh no, I feel so inferior! If I only I lived in the asshole of Fetterman country and ate three square meals of diabetes every day! Then I might be cool like you guys! You fuckers deserve this purgatory. You deserve Tomlin’s quest to be the above-averagest coach in NFL history. You deserve Rodgers coming here to tell you that math isn’t real. You deserve McAfee and his fermented tank top. And you deserve to never win another goddamn playoff game as long as you live. Fuck you with a French fry stuffed sandwich.
What might not suck: You know how many other fans would kill for over 20 straight years of non-losing seasons? If they didn’t know how boring those 20 years would be?
HEAR IT FROM STEELERS FANS!
Benjamin:
If we could suck we might actually be good.
Joanna:
Aaron Rodgers.
Justina:
They just signed the bad man. This team is dead to me.
Jim:
Aaron Rodgers somehow isn’t the worst person we’ve started at QB in the last five years.
Hugues:
My only consolation is knowing Aaron Rodgers' last game will be a road loss in the Super Wild Card round.
David:
Pirates owner Bob Nutting is the least popular sports figure in town, except in December and January, when the inevitable Steelers collapse means he is replaced by Mike Tomlin.
If I hear that fucking Styx song one more time, I'm going on a three county killing spree.
Sarah:
Oh my god, can this team just be refurbished into a Myrtle Beach tourist attraction?
Nicholas:
Rocky Bleier spent hundreds of his own dollars so that he could present a personalized jersey to the President alongside Mason Rudolph. Rudolph would be our starting QB if the team hadn't recently signed the most annoying guy in the world. Set this team adrift in the Ohio.
Nick:
I spent April talking myself into Shadeur Sanders as a worthwhile pick and was pretty upset they didn't take a flyer on him. Even typing this out hurts to admit. I'm everything I hate.
I was back in Pittsburgh recently, for the first time in probably a decade, for a funeral. It immediately shattered any rose colored glasses I had developed. It takes 30 minutes to get anywhere. The food is terrible unless it’s made by babushkas in a church basement. And the populace looks like extras from The Hills Have Eyes and are about as smart. No wonder it's the only city in the country where you can still buy a house for under $400k.
Will:
Fuck you Art for allowing management to sign this fucking dork.
Donald:
Olivia Munn looked at Rodgers and thought, "I can do better...maybe a married standup with a drug problem?"
Tom:
At the end of the day, the Steelers will pull plenty of two-point wins out of their ass against good teams, lose to the Browns, and get demolished in enough games for everyone to know they are frauds.
Eric:
This team has not had a likeable quarterback since Charlie Batch.
Richard:
We have reloaded and are definitely the team to beat for the 2019 season. Oh shit...
Phil:
Arthur Smith hasn’t accomplished a goddamn thing without Derrick Henry.
Jeff:
I have more faith in Drew's election predictions than I do in Aaron Rodgers doing well this year.
Kevin:
We traded away Antonio Brown 2.0 so that we could trade for & overpay a WR who’s probably a year away from the downslope of his career. Then we traded away our best secondary player for a cornerback who wants to play safety, just like the guy we traded him for.
This is karma, right? Every yinzer who ever complained about Kordell Stewart in vaguely racial terms, every drunken slob who spilled beer or the contents of a Primanti’s sandwich on a visiting fan, every mouth-breather who thinks that Big Ben and Pat McAfee are moral, righteous, Christian men. In return for all of that, we get this shitshow of a 2025 season? We deserve it.
Ryan:
At least Roethlisberger was just a sex creep and a Trump supporter. Our latest washed up QB is a REAL asshole.
Neil:
They can't scout O-linemen or CB's to save their lives, so they have to resort to signing free agents who reached their peak five years ago. They still can't cover TEs down the seam, and god forbid our slot corner covers their slot receiver. No let's put the ILB on the slot, that should do the trick.
The worst part is that my son is somehow a bigger fan, despite having never set foot in the city (we live in the south now). The optimism of youth, bless his heart, has led to such statements as "Dad, Aaron Rodgers will be good for us." His fantasy football team three years ago was named Kenny Pickett the G.O.A.T.
Terry:
The Steelers somehow made the playoffs last year. They proceeded to fall behind their archrivals 21-0 and lost 28-14.
The time they made the playoffs before that, they fell behind 21-0 and lost 34-17.
The time they made the playoffs before that, they fell behind 35-7 and lost 42-21.
The time they made the playoffs before that, they fell behind THE BROWNS 28-0 *in the first quarter* and lost 48-37.
The time they made the playoffs before that they fell behind 21-0 as the 2 seed and lost 45-42 to Blake Bortles.
The time they made the playoffs before that, they lost to the Patriots 36-17 in the AFC Championship game for seemingly the 10th time.
Mark:
This offseason a daring new plan was set in motion: Get more volatile and/or worse talent at every position possible.
Phil:
Their offense is from 1990. It’s fun to watch football teams score touchdowns. Guess what this team doesn’t do.
Chris:
Maybe Rodgers will do the impossible and finally get Tomlin fired, so that we can fulfill our destiny as a franchise when we hire Jay Paterno as the next head coach.
The only reason I still visit X is because all of the Pittsburgh sports reporters are too racist to move to BlueSky. That, and it's where I do my banking.
Dom Cosentino:
Art Rooney attempts to justify his family’s legacy by going 10-7 every year, beating the Raiders and Jags 16-10 each week before losing by three touchdowns in a playoff game against a team that actually realizes that 2008 was a long time ago. Dr. Did His Own Research Online is about to yawn his way through a final season where his real goal is to avoid getting hit. Darius Slay and Jalen Ramsey are now Steelers because Mike Tomlin is a defensive genius who understands that you win in the modern NFL with a secondary stuffed with thirtysomethings.
It's got to be better to root for a forgettable horseshit team like the Saints, because at least the Saints aren't trying to fool anyone by constantly pretending they're a Super Bowl contender. The Steelers hope no one notices they're really just an insular clownshoe operation that always barely wins more games than they lose.
Sam:
My doctor told me that if I don't stop drinking, I'll die. Aaron Rogers is our QB. This morning at the local 7-11, there were two people buying beer at 6:45am: me, and a guy wearing head to toe Steelers gear. He commented on my Steelers tattoo. Wonder if either of us are going to live out the season.
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