When Is It OK To Wear The Wally Head?

Dear Mascot Manners,

I have a lot of time on my hands now, so I figured I'd write you with an etiquette question. My team, the Boston Red Sox, just got beaten by our archrival New York Yankees. They beat us in two games, 9-0 and 9-2. But before we lost Game 2 Wednesday night, one of our guys, Nick, hit a home run. It got us within six runs. I think most of us would have rather just gotten out of there as quickly as possible.

But we have a tradition: When you hit a home run, you wear the Wally Head. One of our other guys, Jarren, came up with it last year. It's our "thing." So we made Nick wear the Wally Head after his homer, but I don't think he wanted to. I don't think any of us were particularly into it. Frankly the whole ceremony felt kind of embarrassing.

My question to you, Mascot Manners, is: Do we have to wear the Wally Head? Every time? Even if we're getting walloped? Even if its incongruously bright colors and foolish, gaping smile turn a simple loss into tragicomedy?

— Down and Out in Boston

DOB,

This is a tough one! Mascot Manners recognizes the value of tradition. It's the only thing that ties us to those who came before, often when all else is forgotten. I know that Wally is the only one of you who was here back when you were a real challenge for the Yankees. But Mascot Manners also knows that tradition is only as useful as what it does for the people who uphold it. Just because Dandy once roamed that very field doesn't mean he couldn't be put down when he quickly outlived his welcome.

Your friend Nick looks pretty miserable up there, which is a shame, because I've seen him much happier inside the Wally Head. Here he was just a month ago, after hitting a go-ahead homer in the eighth inning.

But I've also seen that the Wally Head itself isn't enough to bring joy—one must bring the joy to the Wally Head. Here's your coworker Roman, just one day earlier, after homering in the late innings of a blowout loss:

That man does not want to wear that head. I swear I can see the reluctance on Wally's face too.

I'm noticing a pattern. Happy Wally:

Sad Wally:

Carefree Wally:

Stoic Wally:

It seems to me like the Wally Head is still a treasured member of your workplace when you're feeling truly jubilant, but more and more his presence is not being actively requested. A custom has become a chore. I believe that Wally, before you killed and decapitated him for your rituals, would not have wanted to live out his death as a rote talisman, paraded around with just a few outs left in an elimination game, out of no desire but muscle memory. When you are forcing your colleague Nick to flirt with memehood on Chris Paul's level, it may be time to let Wally move on.

But I can't make that decision for you. You have to look inside—inside the Wally Head, and take a big sniff, because I imagine that fur isn't holding up so great after two years without a wash.

My final ruling? You are committing a major faux pas, and it's not Wally. You simply CANNOT wear hoodies that say "No time like October" and get eliminated on September 30.

— MM