Getting stuff stuck in your rectum is so 2025. Doing Looney Tunes–style violence to your groin is the new hotness. Below are some very real, very gnarly penis injuries suffered by Americans.
All descriptions are taken verbatim from the U.S. Consumer Product Safety Commission’s database of emergency room visits:
- LYING ON HIS BED AND THROWING A SHOE UP INTO THE AIR AND IT FELL DOWN AND HIT PT IN HIS PENIS
- FELL ON STEPS WHILE VACUUMING THEM, VACUUM THEN FELL ON TESTICLES
- WAS HAVING AN INTIMATE MOMENT IN BED WITH A WOMAN WHEN SHE INADVERTENTLY HIT HIM IN THE LEFT TESTICLE WITH HER KNEE. PT STATES HE REFLEXIVELY WITHDREW AND ROLLED HASTILY TO THE SIDE AND STRUCK HIS TESTICLES ON THE SIDE OF THE BED
- ON THE WAY HOME WHEN HIS CAR BROKE DOWN. PULLED OFF TO THE SIDE OF THE ROAD AND LOOKED UNDER THE CAR WITH A FLASHLIGHT WHEN THE COOLING HOSE POPPED OFF AND SPRAYED HIM WITH ANTIFREEZE. BURNS TO PENIS
- LACERATION TO LEFT FOREARM, CUT ON DUMPSTER, C/O BLISTERS ON PENIS AFTER HAVING PROLONGED INTERCOURSE
- WAS RUNNING FROM THE POLICE WHEN HE JUMPED A FENCE AND "LANDED ON THE FENCE WITH MY PENIS AND NOW IT'S HARD"
- WAS HIT IN ABDOMEN WHILE PLAYING BASEBALL. ALSO BIT BY A SPIDER ON THE TIP OF HIS PENIS
- PLAYING WITH THE FAMILY DOG AND THE DOG WENT TO GRAB A BALL AND BIT THE PATIENT'S TESTICLES INSTEAD
- RIPPED SCROTUM WITH SPIKED PRONGS ON DOG COLLAR WHEN DOG RAN THROUGH HIS LEGS
- ZIP TIE STUCK ON PENIS
- PT STATES HE ACCIDENTALLY POKED HIS PENIS WHILE CLEANING PENIS WITH A TOOTHPICK
- PATIENT WAS PLAYING VIDEO GAMES FOR A LONG TIME NOW WITH ONSET ACUTE RIGHT TESTICLE PAIN
- WAS PLAYING MARCO POLO AND RAN INTO A WOODEN FENCE. DX: PAIN IN PENIS
- WAS PLAYING WITH HIS PENIS IN THE BATHROOM AND MADE IT ERECT AND THEN TRIED TO CLOSE THE DOUBLE DOORS, CLOSING IT ON HIS PENIS
- RAPPELLING DOWN A BUILDING, HE ACCIDENTALLY HIT HIS RIGHT TESTICLE ON AN OPEN WINDOW
- WAS PARTICIPATING IN A KARATE MATCH WHEN HE FELL DOWN ON HIS OPPONENTS KNEE STRIKING HIS TESTICLE
- LACERATION TO HIS SCROTUM AND TESTES AFTER "TRYING TO JUMP OVER BATHROOM STALL WALL AND GETTING CAUGHT ON COAT HANGER"
- HIT HIMSELF IN THE PENIS WITH A BELT BUCKLE ACCIDENTALLY
- PUT HIS PENIS IN ONE OF THE HOLES IN A SHOPPING CART. LACERATIONS TO PENIS
- PATIENT WAS PLAYING BASKETBALL WITH HIS BROTHER LAST NIGHT WHEN HE WAS STRUCK IN THE SCROTUM WITH FRISBEE
- WAS WALKING INTO THE BATHROOM AND HIS PENIS GOT CAUGHT BETWEEN HIS SHORTS AND THE DOORKNOB
- DROPPED A GLASS OF WATER THAT SHATTERED AND CUT HIS PENIS
- IN BATTING CAGE WHEN A BASEBALL HIT TESTICLE
- PRESENTS WITH BURN WOUND TO PENIS AFTER IT ACCIDENTALLY TOUCHED A 'CIGARETTE TORCH'; NO OTHER DETAILS STATED
- PT STATES HE PLACED A PLASTIC TEA BOTTLE NECK AROUND HIS PENIS AROUND 10PM THIS EVENING AT THE INSTRUCTION OF HIS GIRLFRIEND AND IS NOT ABLE TO REMOVE
- WAS TAKING OFF HIS UNDERWEAR WHEN THE ELASTIC PORTION OF IT RECOILED AND STRUCK HIM IN HIS TESTICLES
- SPILLED HOT SOUP ON PENIS
- BELLY FLOPPED INTO THE POOL DX: TESTICULAR SWELLING, TESTICULAR PAIN
- WAS SLEEPING WHEN HE HAD AN ERECTION, HE ROLLED OVER IN BED AND ROLLED ON TOP OF HIS PENIS, NOW HAS SEVERE PAIN
- WAS RIDING HIS BICYCLE AND RAN INTO A SWING SET DX: LACERATION OF PENIS
- HIT IN THE RIGHT TESTICLE BY HIS GIRLFRIEND'S BELT BUCKLE WHEN HE WENT TO PICK HER UP ON EASTER
- ZIPLINED INTO A METAL POLE. DX PENIS INJURY
- FELL OFF OF THE TOP OF A GARBAGE CAN AND LANDED IN SOME BUSHES, LACERATING HIS SCROTUM
- WAS WORKING ON HIS HOUSE WHEN A NAIL GUN WENT OFF HITTING THE RIGHT SIDE OF HIS PENIS AS WELL AS HIS SCROTUM
- WAS TRYING TO CATCH HIS CELL PHONE AND INSTEAD OF CATCHING HIS PHONE HE HIT HIS R HAND ONTO HIS R TESTICLE.
- PT STATES HE WAS HIT WITH A CRICKET BALL IN THE SUPRAPUBIC AREA AND BITTEN ON HIS PENILE SHAFT. DX: INFECTED HUMAN BITE
- WAS MOWING LAWN W/ PUSH MOWER, MOWER STOPPED AND HANDLE STRUCK PENIS
- LACERATION AND PENIS PAIN. HE WAS GOING DOWN THE STAIRS, MISSED A STEP, AND LANDED ON AN UPSIDE-DOWN CHAIR
- WAS TRYING ON A HALLOWEEN COSTUME AND THERE WAS A STRING IRRITATING HIS PENIS IN THE COSTUME SO HE TOOK SCISSORS TO CUT THE STRING AND ACCIDENTALLY CUT HIS PENIS
- SEVERE PENILE PAIN FOLLOWING PLACEMENT OF TUNGSTEN RING OVER PENIS
- GREAT TOE PAIN DURING A BASKETBALL GAME TWO WEEKS AGO. ENDORSES MARIJUANA USE. ALSO, COMPLAINS OF RASH ON SCROTUM
- HIT RIGHT TESTICLE W/GOLF CLUB
- TRICYCLE ACCIDENT, PENIS CONTUSION [Ed. note: Patient was 41 years old.]
- BITES BY FIRE ANTS LAST NIGHT ON HIS PENIS
- TRIED TO SLIDE OFF THE KITCHEN COUNTER AND HIS SCROTUM GOT CAUGHT IN A METAL CABINET HANDLE
- FELL FROM STRIPPER POLE DX: CRUSHING INJURY TO SCROTUM
- HIT RIGHT TESTICLE IN SHOWER WITH SOAP BOTTLE
- WAS SMOKING MARIJUANA OUT OF A HOT BOWL ABOUT 1 MONTH AGO WHEN HE WENT TO PULL UP HIS PANTS HE ACCIDENTALLY BURNED THE RIGHT SHAFT OF HIS PENIS WITH THE BOWL
- ATTEMPTED TO JUMP OVER A SMALL POLE IN THE GROUND OF A PARKING LOT AND DID NOT MAKE IT OVER
- WAS UTILIZING A PLASTIC BOTTLE FOR EJACULATION, STATES HIS PENIS GOT STUCK AND UNABLE TO REMOVE THE BOTTLE
- WAS STANDING NAKED ON A CHAIR AND FELL STRIKING HIS GROIN
- WAS INSTALLING CHRISTMAS LIGHTS AT HOME WHEN HE WAS PRESSING A PLASTIC STAKE AGAINST HIS ABDOMEN FOR LEVERAGE. STAKE ULTIMATELY SLIPPED AND PIERCED PATIENT'S JEANS RESULTING IN LACERATION OF PENIS
- STEPPED ON A BROOM AND THE HANDLE HIT HIM IN THE GROIN
- PATIENT INDICATED THAT HE IS EXCESSIVELY MASTURBATING WHERE HE UTILIZES THE SINK. PATIENT IS HITTING HIS TESTICLES ONTO A SINK. DX: PAIN IN TESTICLE
- PATIENT AIMED A BB GUN DOWN AND ACCIDENTALLY SHOT HIMSELF IN THE PENIS
- RAMEN ON PENIS
- HAD EATEN MUSHROOMS, BEGAN TO EXPERIENCE THE HALLUCINATIONS. HE REMOVED CLOTHES, ROLLED AROUND IN VEGETATION, WALKED UP TO NATURE CENTER NUDE. HE BROKE THROUGH THE GLASS WITH HIS FOREHEAD. AFTER HE EXITED THE NATURE CENTER HE CRUSHED HIS PENIS IN BETWEEN "A ROCK AND A HARD PLACE."
- FELL FROM 5 FOOT PORCH AND LANDED HEAD FIRST INTO A TRASH CAN DX: LACERATION OF PENIS
Subscribe to skip adsAdvertisement
