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What Horrible Things Did We Do To Our Penises Last Year?

9:00 AM EST on January 1, 2025

Happy new year to one and all. Make a resolution never to do any of these things.

All descriptions are taken verbatim from the U.S. Consumer Product Safety Commission’s database of emergency room visits:

WAS WALKING WITH A CLIPBOARD PLACED BETWEEN HIS LEGS TO FREE UP HIS HANDS AND IT CLAMPED ONTO HIS LEFT TESTICLE
CLOSED PENIS IN REFRIGERATOR DOOR
WAS WORKING ON HIS DECK AND STEPPED ON A LOOSE BOARD AND IT SHOT UP AND STRUCK HIM ON THE SCROTUM
WAS HOLDING A DOG LEASH THAT RETRACTED AND THE HARD PART STRUCK HIM IN THE TESTICLE
USING WHEELBARROW AND WHEN TRYING TO DUMP IT OUT, IT TIPPED OVER AND HIT HIS SCROTUM
PUT HIS WEDDING RING AROUND THE SHAFT OF HIS PENIS. NOW HE CAN NOT GET IT OFF
HAS BEEN PRACTICING SELF-DEFENSE AND WAS USING A CAST IRON PAN AS A DEFENSE MECHANISM WHEN HE ACCIDENTALLY HIT HIMSELF IN THE RIGHT TESTICLE
CUT THE TIP OF HIS PENIS ON URINAL
WAS MASTURBATING BY TUGGING ON THE SCROTUM WITH STEEL WIRE RESULTING IN LACERATION
PATIENT STATES HE WAS TRYING TO CLOSE A LARGE DUMPSTER AND LID WAS STUCK SO HE CRAWLED UP OVER IT TO CLOSE LID AND WHEN HE MANAGED TO PULL LID DOWN IT CAUGHT TIP OF PENIS
PLACED THE HAMMERHEAD FROM A SLEDGEHAMMER AROUND HIS PENIS. WAS UNABLE TO REMOVE THE RING
PATIENT STEPPED OUT OF A TRUCK AND TWEAKED HIS BACK, THEREFORE HE TOOK A SHOWER AND WHILE TRYING TO GET OUT OF THE SHOWER HE HIT HIS TESTICLES ON THE SIDE OF THE TUB
PAIN TO TESTICLES WHEN HITTING SELF WITH DUST PAN
REPORTS HE WAS RIDING AN E-BIKE A COUPLE OF WEEKS AGO WHEN HE TRIED TO STOP BUT THE BIKE KEPT GOING AND THE SEAT STRUCK HIM IN THE SCROTUM
WAS BATHING WHEN THE SOAP SLIPPED FROM HIS HAND AND HIT HIM IN THE TESTICLES
DIVING INTO A POOL, HIS TESTICLES HIT THE DIVING BOARD
WAS CLEANING HEDGEHOG'S CAGE AND BEGAN EXPERIENCING TESTICLE PAIN
PATIENT STATES HE HAS BEEN DEPRESSED. ADDITIONALLY, HE WAS CLIMBING A FENCE WHEN HE SLIPPED AND STRUCK LEFT SIDE OF SCROTUM
PLAYING WITH A BALL AND HIS DOG AND DOG WAS TRYING TO BITE THE BALL AND BIT HIS PENIS
WAS PLAYING DODGEBALL TODAY WHEN HE WAS HIT IN THE GROIN AND SCROTUM WITH THE DODGEBALL, WHEN ON FLOOR IN PAIN WAS HIT WITH ANOTHER DODGEBALL AND CHIPPED TOOTH
PUTTING UP A TOWEL BAR AT HOME AND THE DRILL HE WAS USING HIT HIS PENIS
LACERATION TO THE PENIS AFTER WALKING INTO A FAN
WAS MASTURBATING WHEN HE FELL OFF THE BED WHILE MASTURBATING AND LANDED ONTO HIS PENIS
WAS RUNNING ALONGSIDE HIS BICYCLE YESTERDAY WHEN HE WAS TRYING TO JUMP ON IT BUT HE ENDED UP FALLING AND BIKE RAN OVER HIS GROIN
WAS USING A GRINDING WHEEL ON A PIECE OF IRON FENCE WHEN THE WHEEL JERKED SUDDENLY, TORE THROUGH THE CROTCH OF HIS PANTS AND INJURED HIS PENIS
PATIENT STATES HE WAS PEEING "IN A RUSH" AND THE ELASTIC OF HIS PANT SNAPPED BACK AT HIS PENIS
FELL DOWN 14 STEPS AND HIT HEAD, ALSO WITH IRRITATION TO PENIS
PATIENT WAS TRYING TO JUMP OVER A POLE AND DID NOT MAKE IT
REPORTS PARTNER PULLED ON HIS PENIS BEFORE HIS UNDERWEAR WAS COMPLETELY OFF AND HIS PENIS WAS JAMMED IN HIS UNDERWEAR
GOT KICKED IN GROIN DURING PILLOW FIGHT
WAS SHOT WITH A PAINT BALL GUN IN LEFT TESTICLE, WAS NOT PLAYING THE SPORT
PLAYING BASKETBALL WHEN HE ATTEMPTED TO DUNK AND STRADDLED THE BASKET POLE
WAS PLAYING BASKETBALL AND WENT UP TO SHOOT THE BALL AND WHEN HE CAME DOWN HIS SCROTUM IMPACTED A PENCIL THAT WAS IN THE POCKET OF ANOTHER PLAYER
WAS USING A CIRCULAR SAW CUTTING SOME FLOOR TILE AND IT KICKED BACK HITTING HIM IN THE GENITALS
WAS DOING THE LONG JUMP AND HIT PENIS WITH HIS FOOT
STRUCK TESTICLE WITH REMOTE CONTROL
IN HIS CLOSET NAKED, CLOSED THE CLOSET DOOR WHICH WAS A BIFOLD DOOR AND CAUGHT HIS PENIS
WENT TO FOOTBALL PRACTICE. AS THE COACHING STAFF WERE DOING "CUP CHECKS" TO MAKE SURE GROIN CUP WAS PROPERLY IN PLACE, PATIENT STATES HE FELT SEVERE PAIN
WAS USING A PENIS PUMP FOR THE FIRST TIME, AND PUMPED TOO VIGOROUSLY. NO OTHER DETAILS PROVIDED
STRUCK HIMSELF IN TESTICLES WITH VIDEO GAME CONTROLLER
PLAYING VIRTUAL REALITY GAME AND ACCIDENTALLY KNOCKED HIMSELF IN THE PENIS
ADDED GASOLINE TO BRUSH FIRE, BURNS TO SCROTUM
WAS RIDING HIS BIKE WHEN THE HANDLE BARS TURNED 90 DEGREES AND HE FLEW OFF THE BIKE STRIKING HIS PENIS AGAINST THE BIKE
ROLLED OVER IN HIS SLEEP AND CRUSHED SCROTUM BETWEEN LEGS
GOT A CD STUCK ONTO HIS PENIS. WAS UNABLE TO REMOVE IT
WAS WEARING TIGHT PANTS YESTERDAY AND POSITIONED HIS PENIS IN AN UNUSUAL WAY
RIDING AN ELECTRIC UNICYCLE AND FELL AND THE TIRE MADE CONTACT WITH HIS PENIS
PATIENT STATES HE TIED A COTTON ROPE AROUND HIS PENIS 2 DAYS AGO IN ORDER "TO PROVE A POINT"
GOT KICKED IN THE GROIN TWICE WHILE PLAYING BASKETBALL
TRIPPED OVER LARGE DOG AND SMALL DOG STEPPED ON TESTICLES
SLIPPED ON DOCK TRYING TO EXIT BOAT, HAD ABOUT 6 BEERS, FELL FACE FIRST IN WATER, HAD GUN IN PANTS POCKET THAT FIRED. GUNSHOT WOUND TO PENIS