What Did We Get Stuck In Our Rectums Last Year?

Do you realize that this is the 12th year we've run this series? Time really flies when you don't have something lodged up your butt. But for those of you who do, read on to see if you made this year's list of the weirdest stuff that entered America's orifices. If not, there's always next year.

All reports are taken from the U.S. Consumer Product Safety Commission's database of emergency room visits, all descriptions are verbatim, and all the entries below involved some very poor decisions.

Penis

• AIRPOD
• PEN CAP
• PEN
• COFFEE STIRRER
• SCREW
• PAPER CLIP
• WAX STRAW
• 4 INCH METAL TUBE
• "TOOK A PIECE OF PLASTIC COATED PAPER FROM A MILK CONTAINER, ROLLED IT TIGHTLY, WRAPPED IT WITH TAPE TO THE SIZE OF 'GREATER THAN A CRAYON' AND INSERTED IT AS FAR AS HE COULD INTO HIS PENIS SEVERAL HOURS AGO"
• HANDLE OF PLASTIC SPOON
• PLASTIC FORK
• GLUE
• ROLLED UP MAGAZINE PAGE
• RING FROM POWERADE BOTTLE
• DOMINO
• PHONE CHARGING CABLE
• THERMOMETER

Vagina

• PLASTIC CUBE
• PLASTIC TRICERATOPS
• BOBBY PIN
• SHOT GLASS
• STATUE
• TOY FIRE TRUCK
• EGG
• "PATIENT REPORTS PARTNER WAS WEARING AN ENHANCEMENT APPARATUS THAT BECAME STUCK FOLLOWING INTERCOURSE"
• SPORK
• BAR OF SOAP
• DEODORANT
• PERFUME BOTTLE
• PENCIL
• 2 PENCILS
• PENCIL, SIDEWAYS
• "PLACED A DEVICE THAT HAS A VAGINAL SEX TOY AND AN ANAL PORTION WHICH ARE CONNECTED BY RUBBER CORD BOTH INTO HER VAGINA.THEY WERE UNABLE TO RETRIEVE. THEY DID HAVE SOME ALCOHOL THIS EVE"
• CURLING IRON
• DRY ERASE MARKER
• SPOON
• KNIFE
• BAG OF SOIL
• "WAS ROUGHHOUSING WITH HER HUSBAND WHO LIFTED HER UP AND ACCIDENTALLY DROPPED HER ON A HOT DOG COOKER. VAGINAL BLEEDING"
• KEYS
• CANDLE
• CLIMBING PEG
• FINGER PUPPET
• MICROCHIP

Rectum

• "PATIENT STATES THAT HIM AND HIS WIFE 'GOT CARRIED AWAY' AND A PORTION OF A PLASTIC SCREWDRIVER HANDLE IS IN HIS RECTUM"
• XYLOPHONE MALLET
• FOAM BALL
• 12-INCH RATCHET EXTENDER, "DOESN'T KNOW WHY"
• CYLINDRICAL WOODEN BLOCK
• COOKING SPRAY
• "PATIENT STATES SHE BELIEVES SHE HAS A VIBRATOR IN EITHER HER RECTUM OR VAGINA"
• SHAMPOO BOTTLE
• LOTION BOTTLE
• CAN OF DEODORANT
• PLASTIC BOTTLE WITH THE BOTTOM CUT OFF
• "ANKLE, ABDOMINAL, AND NECK PAIN AFTER JUMPING OFF OF A 2ND FLOOR BALCONY. FOREIGN BODY IN RECTUM"
• BROOMSTICK
• 18-INCH DILDO
• DILDO FROM 4 DAYS AGO
• "SHOVED A BAG CONTAINING 20 HYDROXYZINE PILLS INTO HIS RECTUM FOR 'STREET CRED'"
• 3 AAA BATTERIES
• 2 AA BATTERIES
• 1 D BATTERY
• "TRIED TO 'REMOVE POOP' WITH A PEN FEW DAYS AGO, LOST PEN IN RECTUM"
• 50 CENT PIECE
• SCRUB BRUSH
• "HAS A PLASTIC BABY BOTTLE UP HER RECTUM. PATIENT STATES SHE AND HER MALE PARTNER WERE 'GETTING KINKY'"
• WIRE HANGER
• ENEMA BOTTLE
• 2 PLASTIC BOTTLES AND A SHOT GLASS
• TAIL OF TOY DINOSAUR
• "PATIENT STATES HE TRIPPED IN THE SHOWER AND FELL BACKWARDS AND LANDED ON A SHAMPOO BOTTLE WHICH BECAME LODGED IN HIS ANUS"
• "PATIENT STATES SLIPPED AND FELL IN THE BATHTUB LANDING ON A SHARK TOY"
• BABY SHARK TOY
• CIGARETTE LIGHTER
• TOOTHBRUSH HOLDER
• "TOOK CLONAZEPAM DOSE THREE TIMES INSTEAD OF ONCE AND HAS A BATTERY IN RECTUM AND HAS NAUSEA"
• LIGHT BULB
• LIGHT BULB, BROKEN
• "TOOK VIBRATOR OUT OF ANUS, NOTICED BATTERY HAD FALLEN OUT"
• BOTTLE OF GHB
• BOARD GAME PIECE
• METAL TOILET PAPER HOLDER
• "MOTORIZED TIRE PUMP INSERTED IN HER RECTUM AND WAS INSUFFLATED FOR A DURATION OF APPROXIMATELY 5 MINUTES"
• MARBLES
• DARTS
• PLASTIC LEMON
• FAKE BANANA
• JELL-O MOLD
• "PATIENT REPORTS 'I JUST GOT MARRIED' PRESENTS WITH A SEX TOY STUCK INSIDE HIS RECTUM"