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Year In Review

What Horrible Things Did We Do To Our Penises Last Year?

9:36 AM EST on January 1, 2024

Pr?paration de g?teaux, d?coupe d'une banane. (Photo by Bettina BRINKMANN/Gamma-Rapho via Getty Images)
Bettina Brinkmann/Gamma-Rapho via Getty Images

Happy new year! Make a resolution to never end up on one of these lists.

All descriptions are taken verbatim from the U.S. Consumer Product Safety Commission’s database of emergency room visits:

  • PLACED CUT OFF TOP OF A PLASTIC CONDIMENT BOTTLE ON HIS PENIS AT MIDNIGHT, UNABLE TO REMOVE AND TRIED TO BURN IT OFF, BURNED PENIS
  • THERE IS A ZIP TIE ATTACHED AT THE BASE OF PATIENTS PENIS AND HE IS UNABLE TO REMOVE
  • WAS PLAYING WITH SAMURAI SWORD AND HIT SCROTUM WITH TIP OF SWORD
  • PARTNER PLACED A PENIS CAGE ON PENIS AND TESTICLES, LOCKED IT AND LEFT AFTER INTERCOURSE
  • WAS PLAYING W/ DRILL W/O DRILL BIT AND WAS CURIOUS AND PUT THE DRILL INTO HIS PANTS AND TURNED IT ON
  • PENIS BLISTER, REPORTS MASTURBATING WHILE WEARING WOOL GLOVES
  • SMALL PENIS LACERATION THAT OCCURRED EARLIER TODAY WHILE HE WAS CLEANING HIS PENIS W/ TOOTHBRUSH
  • FOUND A RING ON THE FLOOR AND PLACED IT ON HIS PENIS AND NOW CANT GET IT OFF
  • SORES ON PENIS AFTER PLAYING WITH LAUNDRY SOAP PODS
  • CAUGHT TESTICLES IN LAWN CHAIR
  • HE PLACED GLUE ON HIS SCROTUM LAST NIGHT AND NOW NEEDS TAKEN OFF
  • WAS INSTRUCTED BY A MAN WHO VISITED HIS HOME TO PLACE TWO SHOWER RINGS AND A CONDOM AROUND THE BASE OF HIS PENIS, SAYING "HE TOLD ME TO PUT IT ON BY THE END OF THE DAY AND WOULD KNOW IF I DIDN'T"
  • WAS PUNCHED IN THE TESTICLES SEVERAL TIMES ON FRIDAY WHILE PLAYING FOOTBALL
  • PLAYING WITH DOG IN THE SHOWER AND BITTEN ON PENIS
  • ACCIDENTALLY HIT SELF WITH HAND WHILE PLAYING VIDEO GAMES. PAIN IN RIGHT TESTICLE.
  • WAS IN BED PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND HIS WIFE ASKED FOR SOMETHING HE SLID OFF THE BED FROM PRONE AND LANDED ON TESTICLES
  • STUNG BY A BEE TO THE TIP OF HIS PENIS THROUGH HIS CLOTHING TODAY WHILE RIDING HIS MOTORCYCLE
  • REPORTS HE WAS STANDING WHEN A FISH TANK STRUCK HIM IN THE GENITALS.
  • HIS SISTER THREW A SHOE AT HIM AND HIT HIM IN TESTICLE
  • RIDING A BICYCLE W/ NO SEAT AND WRECKED IT. SCROTUM AND TESTICLE LACERATIONS.
  • FLICKED CIGARETTE INTO TOILET WHEN CIGARETTE BOUNCED UP AND HIT HIS PENIS
  • WAS SCOOTING OUT OF HIS TRUCK WHEN HIS TESTICLES GOT CAUGHT UP IN HIS PANTS
  • WAS OPENING AN OLD WOODEN CHEST AND IT ACCIDENTALLY SHUT ON HIS PENIS
  • HAD BASKETBALL THROWN AT HIS GENITALS LAST NIGHT
  • WAS HAVING SEX IN A FREEZER AND BELIEVES HE HAS FROSTBITE TO THE DISTAL TIP OF HIS PENIS ALONG WITH BACK PAIN
  • HE HAD BEEN POURING RUBBING ALCOHOL INTO THE TOILET BOWL IN ORDER TO SET IT AFIRE, WAS PLAYING WITH A LIGHTER WHEN BOTTLE OF RUBBING ALCOHOL BURST AND CAUGHT FLAME BURNING PENIS
  • A WATER BOTTLE ROLLED OFF CAR DASHBOARD AND LANDED ON PATIENTS LEFT TESTICLE
  • WAS AT A PARTY LAST NIGHT DRINKING QUITE A BIT OF ALCOHOL. HE RODE A MECHANICAL BULL AND HAS BRUISING TO PENIS, SCROTUM.
  • COMBING PUBIC HAIR WITH METAL COMB STABBED SCROTUM
  • PATIENT SAYS AROUND LAST THANKSGIVING FELL BACKWARD OUT A SCREEN DOOR, SWELLING OF SCROTUM & TESTICLE PAIN
  • WAS DOING "EXERCISES" WITH PENIS THAT HE SAW ON YOUTUBE AND DEVELOPED PRIAPISM
  • DANCING, TWERKING WITH A GIRL WHILE WEARING SKINNY JEANS LAST NIGHT AT CLUB, INJURED PENIS
  • HIT IN GROIN WITH TENNIS RACKET
  • PATIENT STATES HE DID SMOKE SOME MARIJUANA A LITTLE WHILE AGO. PATIENT STATES HE DID RIDE MOUNTAIN BIKES AND DID SOME JUMPS. ACUTE PAIN IN SCROTUM.
  • ARM PAIN WHEN DOING KARATE AND TICK BITE TO TESTICLES
  • PLACED A WRENCH AROUND THE SHAFT OF HIS PENIS AS AN IMPROVISED COCK RING, ACHIEVED AN ERECTION, THEN FELL ASLEEP
  • PATIENT HAS BEEN MASTURBATING VIGOROUSLY LATELY AND HAS A CUT ON PENIS. PATIENT STATES HE CUT IT ON A FENCE.
  • STEPPED ON BROOM AND IT POPPED UP AND HIT HIM IN THE TESTICLES
  • VAPE PEN EXPLODED ON SCROTUM
  • WAS WORKING ON HIS CAR WHEN HE OPENED UP THE RADIATOR CAP AND HOT RADIATOR FLUID SPEWED ONTO HIS PENIS
  • IS UNCIRCUMCISED SO HE TRIED TO CIRCUMCISE HIMSELF WITH A PAIR OF SCISSORS
  • STATES HIS TV WASN'T WORKING AND PUT IN REQUESTS FOR IT TO BE FIXED BUT NO ONE EVER CAME SO HE WENT TO THE LOBBY AND THREW IT ON THE FLOOR OUT OF FRUSTRATION AND PIECE OF TV BOUNCED UP AND CUT HIS SCROTUM
  • WAS SLEEPING ON THE FLOOR WHEN SOMEONE ACCIDENTALLY STEPPED ON HIS PENIS
  • WAS LIGHTING A FIREWORK AT HOME. DOG, WHO WAS LOCKED INSIDE, RAN OUT AND KNOCKED OVER THE TABLE THE FIREWORKS WERE ON, CAUSING THEM TO LAND ON PATIENT AS THEY WERE GOING OFF. HAS BURNS TO PERINEUM AND SCROTUM.
  • ACCIDENTALLY HIT IN TESTICLE W/ BOARD W/ NAIL IN IT
  • TWO SMALL DOGS BIT SCROTUM

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