Time for your weekly edition of the Defector Funbag. Got something on your mind? Email the Funbag. You can also read Drew over at SFGATE, and buy Drew’s books while you’re at it. Today, we're talking about fake booze, depressing old sex movies, driver’s ed in a Tesla, and more.
PROGRAMMING NOTE: Today’s Funbag will be mildly truncated as I and the rest of the Defector staff prepare for Dan McQuade’s memorial later this week. I’ll be back at normal length next week, although I’ll still be quite testy that Dan is no longer with us. Stupid cancer; you’re almost worse than Trump.
Your letters:
Adrian:
I don’t understand how there’s such a small pool of “hot” coaching candidates every year in the NFL. Everyone seems to zero in on the same three to five names. How many hundreds of candidates are there in the NCAA? Or is it just that you have to have a famous NFL coach daddy to have a real shot?
This is a good question to ask right now, given that the NFL had 10 head coaching vacancies this offseason and not one of them ended up being filled be a black person. Thanks to President Shits-His-Pants, corporations no longer have to pretend to care about diversity. Hence, more LaFleurs and Kubiaks for us all.
You already knew that the NFL candidate pool was self-selecting, but the reasons go beyond the usual, transparent causes like racism and nepotism. League owners are highly susceptible to recency bias, especially in a copycat league. Take Klint Kubiak, for instance. Kubiak served as an offensive coordinator twice before arriving in Seattle; he only lasted a single season on the job in both instances. But then he goes to the Seahawks, makes a Super Bowl run, and HEY PRESTO! Did you see how the Klintburger brilliantly schemed Jaxon Smith-Njigba open all season long? He must be some kind of offensive savant! What’s that about him flaming out in New Orleans? I don’t care about that! GIMME THE WINNER GUY!
The much bigger problem is that the NFL is, essentially, a closed ecosystem. Matt Eberflus got the Bears head coaching job in 2022 not because he was a good coach, but because he and Chicago GM Ryan Poles shared the same agent. And if you hear the color guy on any broadcast talk up an assistant head coach, they’re not doing so spontaneously. Assistants lobby for those on-air mentions. They pull the color guy aside in preproduction meetings and give them extra material to use on air, or their agent calls the color guy’s agent and is like, You have got to talk about the job my client has been doing with the Seahawks offense. He’s the next big thing! It’s all politicking, and it’s all done between parties who are rarely more than a single degree removed from one another. Anyone outside that circle of influence has about as much of a chance to get a top job as you or I do.
So keep that in mind whenever you see a published list of “hot” coaching candidates, or you hear Tom Brady wax poetic from the booth about Klintboy’s acumen (which Brady did in a recent telecast; by no coincidence, Kubiak will be coaching the Raiders next season). The names you get are all names that have been surreptitiously pre-approved by everyone in NFL circles: owners, execs, broadcasters, agents, and access merchants. That’s why Matt Nagy just got another OC gig. None of these people are actual standouts, they just fit into a mold that will never be broken.
John:
Hey I saw you post about your new favorite fake whiskey on Bluesky and I have to say that the people (me) cry out for fake booze rankings and commentary on the podcast or the site. Hope you’re well.
I can’t give you a hard ranking of N/A liquors because I’ve yet to try enough of them, and because BIG BUSINESS has caught onto the mocktail fad and thus flooded the market with $15 four-packs of premade virgin cocktails that, in my experience, are usually fucking terrible. Then you gotta deal with all of the influencer-backed CBD/THC/mushroom drinks that are now out there. The amount of money I’ve wasted trying some of this shit is almost equal to the money I’ve saved by quitting alcohol to begin with. As a result, I trust only a few products, which I’ll list for your pleasure right now:
-Spiritless Kentucky 74
-Ritual gin alternative
-Tanqueray Zero (sold only in the UK)
-Phony Negroni
-Phony Mezcal Negroni
-A Cut Above whiskey alternative
-A Cut Above mezcal alternative
-Tost
-Tost sangria
-Kin Spritz
Kentucky 74 was first introduced to me by Dan McQuade. Later on, I tried the Cut Above whiskey and liked it so much that I texted Dan my rec, even though Dan had already given us the bad news about his illness. I don’t know if he was allowed (or able) to imbibe in non-whiskey toward the end, but I figured he’d appreciate the dopey text anyway. When you’re in bad shape, you’re happy for any text that isn’t “How you holding up?”
Then I brought a bottle of the same shit to a friend of mine and she hated it. So don’t assume my recs are bulletproof; not that you ever did.
While we’re talking non-alcoholic vices here, I have a confession to make: I have no idea how to buy good weed. As with N/A beers, all of my regular cannabis purchases have come from trial and error. If I like a gummy brand, I stick with it. Ditto prerolls. But is any of that good shit, or do I need to buy flower exclusively? And how do I know which flower is good shit? All I have to go by is the packaging, the THC percentage, and the word of a dispensary clerk who’s already higher than shit. There are no Wirecutter reviews for weed. I can take my chances with some stoner site called kushnkindness.com or whatever, but I have no fucking idea who’s running those sites. Do legal dispensaries even HAVE good shit, or do you still have to get that from friend of a friend named Dirty Jim? I feel inadequate telling you all of this. I better go pop a gummy to get my confidence back up.
Varun:
I am a Broncos fan and it’s been a very bizarre and unfulfilling end to a season. So much so that I’m wondering if I should be happy that Denver lost a winnable game, to avoid being embarrassed in a boring Super Bowl. If the Pats get railroaded, at least it will be fun schadenfreude for everyone else. If Denver had gotten clobbered with a backup, it’s just anti-climactic and maybe worse.
No, you should be sad you lost the AFC title game. First of all, they easily could have won that game if Sean Payton had kicked a field goal in the first half instead of playing with his food on fourth down. Secondly, there’s no guarantee at all you’ll be back in the title game anytime soon, even if Bo Nix heals up properly. Thirdly, how do you know you wouldn’t have beaten Seattle in the Super Bowl? Maybe THEIR QB would have busted his foot, or maybe Santa Clara would be struck with a megablizzard right in the middle of a tight third quarter, rendering the rest of the game unplayable. The last time the Broncos won a title, they did so with brilliant defense and shit quarterbacking. There’s nothing that says they couldn’t have done likewise this time around. Sports are unpredictable. Weird shit happens. So agonize, I tell you. AGONIZE. It beats trying to out-logic yourself into thinking that shitass loss was a secret blessing.
HALFTIME!
Michael:
As a 37-year-old single man with an office job, I have realized that I haven't actually touched another human in maybe a week. Unless it was accidental, I can't think of the last time I actually touched somebody. Is that weird, or kind of normal now?
Normal got left out on the curb decades ago. The resting state of everything is “Fucked Up,” which means that yes, you can easily go without physical contact for days on end. The tech sector would prefer that, actually. The more time you spend with other people, the less time you spend using their products. Weaning you off of reality is how the C-suite at Hooli can make their $500 billion market cap target for 2028. This is why we’re all having AI forced on us. It’s the near final stage of migrating all human interaction onto a server, where it can then be monetized.
You’re seeing the results of this effort playing out in real time across the country. Donald Trump rose to power by embracing lies and wagering that Americans would care more about un-reality than reality. Call it anti-socialism. Trump’s wager has proven correct over the past decade, as more Americans have chosen to let their phones live their lives for them and allowed their analog social skills to steadily erode. You order Amazon instead of going to a brick and mortar store. You get your news from a feed instead of hearing from your neighbors about it. You order contactless delivery Seamless so that you don’t have to deal with a pizza guy greeting you at the door. Life feels more convenient this way, but it’s also worse. You become numb, so much so that going a week without touching another human feels almost like how things ought to be. It’s just that easy to become a consumer automaton.
But I’ve hammered that point here before. What’s different this time, though, is Minnesota. Citizens of that state have defied Trump in person, en masse. They’re even going out of their way to organize off the main grid, so that they can take ICE by surprise when they show up to protest. They’re being social. ICE dorks, meanwhile, only know how to interact with tactical vests and selfie cameras. Whenever they encounter a real person, they short circuit. They’re like WHAT IS THIS STRANGE ANIMAL COMING AT ME I BETTER SHOOT IT. The protestors’ humanity has gained popularity while the goons’ brainless anti-humanity has fostered widespread disgust, along with decisively negative poll numbers for Trump.
And it’s not even warm outside right now. Wait till this summer, when the weather turns much friendlier to mass gatherings. Make sure you reach out and touch someone when the shit really starts to go down.
Michael:
How many fingers would you prefer to have? Is 10 the right amount, or would it be better to have more?
I’ll have to reach out to Antonio Alfonseca for a definitive answer on this matter. I doubt that man is like, “I better amputate these two bonus fingers I got!” Meanwhile, I have no desire to add (or subtract) digits from my own hand. My brain is wired to have ten fingers, just as Alfonseca’s brain is wired to have a dozen. Instinct trumps preference.
Also, Alfonseca’s six-fingered hands are a genetic outlier for a reason. Humans evolved into being an exclusively five-fingered species. Ten fingers is all that nature wanted us to have, and all that we have come to need. [Frat bro voice] now if I had another dick, that’d be a whole other ballgame, bro. I could satisfy two ladies at once! NICE.
Shane:
Last Tango In Paris: What are your thoughts about the film? Watched it today and shook me up.
I’ve never watched it. For those who don’t know, Last Tango is a 1972 movie that’s now infamous for a rape scene that was handled extremely poorly by lead actor Marlon Brando and director Bernardo Bertolucci. The movie got a shitload of rave reviews and was largely hailed as a classic. But I’ve always hated rape scenes in movies, and I have no interest in seeing that one that borders on actual rape.
Also, Last Tango scans as one of those depressing old auteur flicks about the existential implications of one man’s unbridled horniness. I’ve experienced other movies like this (Damage), and they’re always a miserable experience. Take the “thriller” part out of “erotic thriller” and what are you left with? Some skeezy asshole crying about his dick. I don’t have time for that shit. I’d rather just watch a normal movie. Or porn.
Adam:
If you could join any celebrity's entourage, whose would you choose? For my part, I think I'd do well in Action Bronson's crew. They smoke weed, eat at fancy restaurants, smoke more weed, and watch TV. He seems to be one of those “what you see is what you get” kind of guys, so I think the risk of getting caught up in a major scandal is pretty limited. Who are you gonna roll with?
Is Action Bronson still around, doing shit? I mostly remember him as the famous guy who’d hang out at Vice offices to smoke weed. I’ll take being a part of Adam Sandler’s crew instead. I could chill out at nice places in LA, eat like a king, and get a supporting role in one of his Netflix movies like George Gets A Vasectomy if I ever need work. That’s much more my speed.
Greg:
I see lots of Teslas, and even a few Cybertrucks, with those "WARNING STUDENT DRIVER" stickers on them. This is ridiculous right? Shouldn't they learn how to drive a real car? With brakes and buttons and stuff? Who is worse here: the parents or the teens?
The parents, because they’re the ones who bought the car. Also, I don’t blanch if I see a normal Tesla with one of those stickers on it. Tesla sedans are so commonplace in this country that they count as normal cars to me, even if Elon Musk is a Nazi asshat. Cybertrucks are a different matter, because they don’t always work. You should learn how to drive a car that works, and also one that has a physical gearshift instead of one on a touchscreen. Of all the things I disliked about test-driving a Cybertruck, the touchscreen gearshift was easily the one I disliked the most. And my own car doesn’t even have a stick gearshift! It’s just a button console, but I still trust it more than I do a screen. Also, pushing buttons is fun.
I’m the main driver’s ed instructor in my family, and I’ve been vigilant about making sure our kids know how to drive every kind of car. That’s not easy when every new car includes an automatic transmission, rear cameras, crash alerts, auto lights, GPS navigation, and all kinds of other shit that absolves the person behind the wheel from doing much of the actual driving. I’m fine with all of those bells and whistles, but I need to make sure my kids can work a car that doesn’t have them. They gotta know how to look over their shoulder before merging, work a manual gearshift, and use a rearview mirror while in Reverse. I don’t want them getting some rental car and finding themselves flummoxed by the inner workings of a 2018 Ford Taurus. Teaching kids to drive also means teaching them about cars. Except stick shift cars; I don’t know how to drive one of those.
Nick:
Am I nuts or is Tom Brady actually getting pretty good in the booth lately? Obviously he was pretty lucky to get the best game of the playoffs while Romo was saying "oh geez" every 30 seconds because he was stuck with Stidham. But I can't help but notice that Brady has stopped doing the things that annoyed me so much about him last year. He's not repeating the same words over and over again, his speech appears way more natural, and he's actually kind of... personable?
Well let’s no go nuts on the “personable” thing. He’s still Tom Brady, not a flesh-and-blood human. But yeah, he’s wildly better as a color guy than he was a season ago. I remember he was in a two-shot with Kevin Burkhardt during a playoff game and he showed the audience how a QB has to aim a football in the wind—nose down—to keep it from sailing thirty feet in the air. That was a cool detail; the kind of shit that good color guys relay to the audience quickly and clearly. Brady is giving me more of those details this year, which is a vast improvement from when he was basically unable to talk on camera. Our little boy is all grows up now! So proud of him.
Greg Olsen is still way better, though.
Email of the week!
Aaron:
Dan wrote a tremendous post about Trent Green in the Chiefs Hallmark movie. I sent Dan an email about how I'd filmed with Trent for a local nonprofit fundraiser, which yielded a blooper that became a little meme at my office. It's a very short clip of Trent saying, "Thank you Aaron!... no." which gets posted whenever I do something for someone. Dan said, "An excellent video. Thanks for sharing it as well. If someone named Aaron is ever at my house, I'm showing it to him." I don't know if he ever got to show it to another Aaron, but maybe someone else can.
Sorry for your loss, he was an incredible writer and an even better person.
He sure was. Love you, Dan.
