Time for your weekly edition of the Defector Funbag. Got something on your mind? Email the Funbag. You can also read Drew over at SFGATE, and buy Drew’s books while you’re at it. Today, we're talking brackets, bartenders, hot people with shitty taste, and more.
Your letters:
Chuck:
I go to a gym on a regular weekday schedule, as do most of the people there at 5 a.m. One guy, who usually takes a shower right before me, has the best smelling body wash. Like, the entire shower smells great when he gets out. I've briefly talked to him before, but how weird is it for me to ask him what the name of it is?
Can’t you just see what body wash he’s using without having to ask? If you see this guy at the gym every morning, surely you’ve seen him carrying his magical, cedarwood-scented bottle of Old Spice 2-in-1 on the way to/from washing up. If you haven’t, then why not just leap into his shower while he’s lathering up so that you can get a direct look?
If you’d never seen this guy before in your life, I’d tell you to hold your tongue. Having a complete stranger be like You know, I’ve been smelling you isn’t just weird, but also strangely personal. But in Chuck’s case, we’re talking about another gym regular he’s already had small talk with. That counts as “knowing” the guy, even if barely. So I think it’s OK to broach the subject. You can say, “I know this sounds weird, but I have to know what kinda body wash you’re using. Mine doesn’t smell anywhere near that good, bro!” and have it work. Don’t ask him while you’re both IN the shower. That would be inopportune. But in the relative safety of the locker area? Feels safe to me.
I haven’t belonged to a gym since the pandemic, and yet I still remember a lot of the regulars. Not only from that gym, but from the gym I belonged to before that. I remember all of the hot members of course, but it goes way past that. I remember a dude who looked and dressed exactly like a Sopranos extra, even though we were in suburban Maryland. I remember a dude with big mop of curly hair who always worked out with his glasses on. I remember this one squat lady who could deadlift like 225. I never held a conversation with any of these people. Not sure I even said a single word to them. But I saw them nearly every day, so they were familiar faces.
It’s always good to have familiar faces passing in and out of your life. You graduate from school and all of the randos you used to see walking past you in the quad are replaced with a new set of randos in the office, at your gym, in your apartment building, and even at the grocery store. Even if you never speak to these people, you interact with them. You notice them. You hear them. You bump into them. You see them talking to someone else, and then you wonder about that other person. They might do likewise, and now there’s a loose tether connecting you both. It’s nothing you’ll think about for more than six seconds, but it’s still there.
Now that I work from home and work out at home, my current portfolio of familiar faces is much lower than it should be. It’s only when I go out on my bike that I get my RDA of not-quite strangers: the one weirdo who seems to be running on the trail 24 hours a day, the old man who I know from experience won’t be able to hear my bike bell as I come from behind, many cute dogs. These are the people (and dogs) who keep you socialized, even if you never learn their names. Lose them and you lose one of your tethers to the rest of the world. Now I wish I belonged to a gym again. I bet I’d be using a better-smelling body wash right now if I did.
Jeff:
I’m recently 40, and I think I had my first true old man thought! Back in my day, there was at least some semblance of protest music in pop culture and music. My old ass doesn’t feel like that exists anymore! Are there actually pop musicians doing political/protest messages in the algorithm age?
I made this same old-man lament in this column a few weeks ago … and also probably 78 other times over the past decade. Anyway, the chief culprit is that darn capitalism, in the form of consolidation, monopolization, private equity, and David Zaslav’s taste in movies. But you know about all of that shit already, so let me pull out ever more and pin this on the existence of the internet. I’ve been on a tear reading oral histories of old music scenes: the early days at MTV, the '80s glam scene in Hollywood, the '90s grunge scene in Seattle. All of these scenes developed before the popular web, and that’s no coincidence.
Let’s use Kurt Cobain as an example here. The topline I’m about to give you is WILDLY broad, so I apologize in advance. In the 1980s, Cobain was stuck in Aberdeen, Wash., with no real prospects and no place where he felt he belonged. So he packed up and went to Seattle, where he found a bunch of people who were weird in the same way that he was weird: broke as shit, nowhere to stay, drunk all the time, frequenting the same seedy music clubs every night because that’s where they knew everyone else would be. A lot of these people, like Cobain, had also migrated to Seattle. Some of them formed bands, and then formed different bands with people from other bands they knew. That loose collection of faces that were all in the same place, all for an extended period of time, and so a culture germinated out of it: flannel shirts, Jackass-grade DIY stage antics, and a form of music that wasn’t metal and wasn’t punk, but instead a ramshackle melding of the two. By the time the '80s had ended… HEY PRESTO! Here’s the grunge scene, ready to take over the world with Cobain’s Nirvana as the tip of the spear.
None of that happens if the internet exists. Instead of fleeing to Seattle in search of a purpose in life, Kurt Cobain would’ve joined a subreddit that made living in Aberdeen three percent more bearable, he would have expressed his jadedness with society on Thought Catalog, and he would have uploaded rough demos to his SoundCloud as his attempt at making it in the biz. He wouldn’t have met any of the people who either inspired his music or directly made it with him. More important, the Seattle scene itself never would have materialized. The internet disincentivizes people young and old from going out into the world, from making necessary human connections, and from forging a collective artistic voice together. That’s why there’s never gonna be another Cobain. That’s why the most visible protest music in 2026 comes from the likes of Bruce Springsteen and U2: old rich white dudes who have nothing at stake.
Kevin:
Do you have methodology for picking your bracket? My family tradition is to always take Catholic schools. Some people go with mascots or team colors. What’s the Magary way?
I used to have a whole setup for picking my men’s bracket. I’d pick up the print edition of USA Today, then sit down and pore over the team capsules like a homicide detective sifting through evidence. I valued guard play in the tourney (still do), so if I saw any highly seeded team that had at least two guards average double figures in scoring, I gave them a little star. Then I’d sit down with my bracket and begin carefully filling it out … until I fucked up a line and had to print out an entirely new, clean bracket to fill out. Then I’d pick a 12-seed to upset a 5-seed, thinking I was the only person alive who knew that at least one 12-seed always win an opening-round game. Then I’d fold up the bracket and keep it in my pocket all tourney long, checking off picks that advanced and X-ing picks that didn’t. Then, by the Elite Eight at the latest, I’d wad that bracket up and throw it out. I won my pool exactly one time, back in 1999. This is why Khalid El-Amin remains my favorite college basketball player in history.
That was my methodology back then. Here’s my methodology today: I get a reminder to fill out my bracket days before the tourney starts, then I head over to ESPN’s Bracket Challenge Sponsored By Grok University, then I fill out my bracket in less than two minutes, basing my choices on a random mix of old prejudices and gut basketball knowledge, and then I forget who I picked until they lose in the first round two days later. If the NCAA ever tinkers with the 68-team bracket anymore than they already have, I will accuse them of destroying my childhood.
Drew (not me):
In the year of our Lord 2026, is the average American more likely to fall in love with a bartender or a barista?
Bartender. The answer is always bartender. If I’m dealing with a barista, it’s probably early in the morning and I’m probably cranky. Also, I’m probably standing in line at an airport. That’s no time to fall in love, not even in a romcom. Conversely, when do you encounter a bartender? That’s right: when you’re already drunk and already horny. Real horny, not birthday-party horny. Then some saucy gal in a knotted dress shirt behind the bar asks you what you’ll be havin’ and DAMN GIRL HOW BOUT I BE HAVIN’ THOSE DIGITS? I’ve never slept with a bartender, by the way.
Other Drew failed to include “dispensary gal” in his question, but you better believe that every dirtbag guy living in the city has dealt with a cool (stoned) dispensary gal and thought (stoned) to himself, “I’m never buying weed anywhere else from now on. Elsie is the best of the best.” I’ve also never slept with a weed dispensary clerk.
HALFTIME!
Bryan:
Imagine you found the perfect girl (or partner) for you in every way. Beautiful, thoughtful, kind, funny, all the things. However, she is OBSESSED with the show The Big Bang Theory. Like, would default to watching it when nothing was on, drop quotes, say "Bazinga" unironically, go to cons, run a fan website... could you make that relationship work for you?
Bryan, come on now. You have to give me harder questions than this. I have never watched The Big Bang Theory, but no one is ever gonna be like, “Well I love Marisa Miller, but her fondness for Chuck Lorre shows is a bridge I simply can never gap.” Shit, you’re lucky in 2026 America if the person you’re fucking isn’t a Nazi. So yes, I think I could tolerate a dream girlfriend who likes that show. My wife has to deal with my football problem, and that’s exponentially more annoying. She’s also roped me into watching shit like early Grey’s Anatomy. At no point during any of those episodes was I like, “I have to leave this woman.” All couples have their differences, it doesn’t matter.
RIP McSteamy while we’re here. He was my favorite character on Grey’s Anatomy by a mile.
Ricky:
If an NFL team was allowed to have the first 50 picks of the draft but no other players, do you think they would make the playoffs?
The first year? No. After that, it depends on if they play in the NFC South or not.
Jon:
Heard that Metallica is getting set to do a residency at The Sphere in Vegas. I like Metallica but not a huge fan. I’ve never had a strong urge to see them live, but if a ticket for one of these shows fell into my lap I would definitely go purely for the spectacle. Is there any band or perform that you don't hate but would go and see purely for the experience?
Isn’t that basically how Taylor Swift was able to rake in billions for the Eras tour? I’ve yet to meet a single parent—they’re all parents—who went to an Eras show and thought they’d wasted their dough. And all of those people went as wingmen for actual Swift fans. So while I could give half a shit about Swift’s musical output, you better believe I would’ve hit that concert if someone had given me a comp. That woman, like Metallica, knows how to put on a good show.
Jon didn’t even mention the festival circuit in his question, and one of the fun things about hitting a festival is falling for acts you wouldn’t have thought twice about otherwise. And I’ve already attended plenty of concerts where I only had a casual interest in the performer: Meatloaf, Bad-era Michael Jackson, Cyndi Lauper. I had a good time in every instance. I check out opening acts too, just in case I end up being pleasantly surprised (and I have been). I’ll also go to a show if I have a history with the venue, a la 9:30 in D.C. If you live near a club-sized venue that you like, it’s always fun to go to a concert there even if you don’t know the act all that well. I resolved to go to more concerts a while back, but I haven’t done a good job sticking with the effort. Don’t be as lazy as me. You won’t never know what you’re missing otherwise.
Still Jon:
Side question: How tempted are you by these Metallica at The Sphere shows? James Dolan can get fucked with a broken hockey stick but from what I've seen concerts at The Sphere look pretty epic.
Oh I’m gonna ask SFGATE to send me to that show on assignment. I love Metallica, and I think The Sphere is cool, even if the rest of the internet despises it. I expect a concert planetarium in Las Vegas to be tacky; I’d be pissed if it wasn’t. So don’t expect my review of that show to be a pan.
Pete:
I was making my daughter pancakes and noticed one of her reading comprehension tests. She’s in second grade, btw. She hurried through, just to be done and have time to relax. She picked up one of my worst habits. I still do this. What habit or trait of yours have your kids inherited, despite you trying to rectify it?
That one, especially with our 13-year-old son. Like me, the boy rushes through his homework so that he never has to deal with it again (and also so he can front like the work was easy for him to do). But I’ve never tried to rectify that, because DNA is DNA. Also, he’s still doing his homework and getting good grades. It’d be one thing if he just bailed on ever turning his work in. That’d be his ass. But he does the work, and then his teacher tells him whether or not he did a sloppy-ass job with it. Just like my teacher told me back in the day. AWWWWWW.
Josue:
I was in the produce aisle of the supermarket recently, perusing the cucumber selection. When I had found the cucumber I wanted, I picked it up, and proceeded to do that little one-handed end-over-end flip and catch of the cucumber before putting it in my basket. When I happened to look back over to my right, I saw another guy pick up a cucumber and do the exact same thing. Then I realized that this is something that I like to do whenever I'm holding a vaguely cylindrical item in my hands: vegetables, my kid’s aluminum baseball bat, even hammers. The more top heavy and unbalanced the item, the more satisfying it is to successfully pull it off. Anyways, what's up with that?
I do the cucumber flip too! Vegetables can be really sensuous, don’t you think? I do all of that playdate shit. I stand a baseball bat on my palm and see how long I can keep it balanced. I twirl my stick lighter like it’s a six-shooter. I use a paper towel roll as an air sword. It’s fun, and if being fun is weird, well then call me Pee-wee Herman.
J:
I have a friend who I haven’t talked to in over two years. I recently applied for a job with the company he works for (though in a different department). Do I reach out to him, or does that make it look like I view our relationship as purely transactional?
Fuck yeah, you reach out to him. It’s a jungle out there, man. You need to use whatever connections you got to keep your head above water. Your old friend knows that. Everyone knows that. So if you reach out to him, he’s not gonna be like, “All this time, J was just using me to get an associate brand manager position.” He’s gonna help. It doesn’t matter if you haven‘t spoken in two years. Two years ain’t shit. I have friends I haven’t talked to in 10 years, and I still wouldn’t think twice about hitting them up for something. And if they reached out to me, I’d help them. That’s how the white-collar job market has always worked. It’s also how the white-collar criminal sector has always worked, but you can’t make an omelet without breaking a few antitrust laws.
Not Michael:
Do you think you could have performed better than Leonard Lawrence, aka Private Gomer Pyle, during the Marine boot camp in Full Metal Jacket? I like to think I would be one of the guys beating him with a soap sock. But deep down, I have a feeling I probably would have been him in that scenario.
I would have been both. I got bullied in school, and I bullied other kids. Stick me in the Marines and I’d be a schlub huffing and puffing his way through the obstacle course, but then I’d still try to fit in with the platoon by beating on any other recruit who was as lazy and out of shape as I was. Frankly, this describes my entire football playing career.
Side note: I spent the bulk of my pregaming days getting drunk/high and then watching the first 45 minutes of Full Metal Jacket. I’ve only watched the second half of that film one time, and I remember pretty much nothing of it.
Michael:
If you were the soldier that found Saddam hiding in his hole would you have used the opportunity to say something really badass in front of all your other soldier buddies? I feel like it would be a missed opportunity not to.
That’s why we started bombing Iran just now. It wasn’t for any kind of valuable strategic purpose (in fact, the U.S. has kind of fucked itself by kicking up this war). It was so that camera hogs like Pete Hegseth could get off saucy one-liners after blowing up a school. All of these shitheads want to play the '80s action hero. Hence, you and I get World War III dropped into our laps. It’s not the best way to run a government.
Back to Michael’s question. Let’s say I’m the guy who finds Saddam Hussein in his spiderhole during the Iraq War, or I’m the SEAL who puts a bullet in Osama bin Laden’s dome. Do I throw down a killer line right after I’ve seized my quarry? No, because I’d be in a state of shock. I reckon that going into combat is like being in a permanent state of shock. You don’t talk. You don’t even think. You just move. All of your faculties are put toward the purpose of survival, and nothing else. I’m not gonna suddenly snap out of my fog in that moment and be like, “Feelin’ comfy down there, Saddam?” Only a sociopath would have that ability. Good thing our military is positively littered with such men at the present moment. We even put one sociopath in charge of them all! Neato!
Email of the week!
Aaron:
My Grandma is from a small town in Colorado and she has this tiger painting that I love. I've been on a mission to find out who painted it, as it’s only signed "J.K. 1910". She also has this incredible two-volume book of micro biographies of nearly everyone buried in her town cemetery. So I read the biography of every "JK" in the book—unfortunately, none were artists, mostly just miners who died in snow slides or of black lung—and the tale of Christmas Tree John was by far my favorite.
KUIVILA, JOHN "CHRISTMAS TREE" – Died 1939
No Marker - Died Dec 30, 1939 - Age 55 Years "Christmas Tree", who lived at the Kentucky House, died of miners con at the San Juan Hospital as the year of 1939 was coming to an end. He was born in Finland and had come to Silverton about ten years previously from Rico, Colorado. He had also worked at mines in Telluride and every other town in this section of the country.
In 1986, Annie Anesi Smith of Silverton recalled that "Christmas Tree" earned his interesting nickname in a Telluride barroom brawl. It was the Christmas season and the saloon keeper had thoughtfully provided a decorated Christmas tree for the enjoyment of his patrons. John was getting the worst end of a fist fight, and seeing the Christmas tree, picked it up, decorations and all, and smacked the other fellow with it, knocking him out cold. Annie also recalled that John was a tough "pure Finn", a real nice man and used to baby sit for Annie's sister, Mary Anesi Dalpra. Survivors of "Christmas Tree" were his mother and a sister in Finland. His funeral was at the Maguire Chapel and burial was at Hillside.
Oh man I’d love to assault someone with a Christmas tree.
