The NCAA men's tournament begins today, and I hope that you’ve got everything you need on hand to enjoy the games when they tip off later this afternoon. Beer? Check. Pre-scheduled takeout order for wings? Check. A slipshod plan to flee the office an hour after lunch? Oh yeah, that’s a check.
Almond butter?
What’s that, you have no almond butter on hand? You had all winter to get ready for this weekend, and you forgot to get your hands on some of that nutty, oily goodness? Buddy, what the FUCK is wrong with you? Everyone is about almond butter these days, even this Arizona player who I know nothing about.
That’s right, whoever you are. In 2026, Americans of all ages and athletic ability want that allbutt (I just thought of that name; don’t steal it). Why? Well, lemme tell you why: because it’s like peanut butter, but kinda different. Anyone can stick peanut butter into a little pretzel nugget. They sell those things by the pallet at Costco. But an almond butter-filled pretzel? Whoa, now we’re talking about an entirely different level of pleasure. And that’s not even close to the best almond butter foodstuff out on the market right now. Isn’t that right, Houston coach Kelvin Sampson?
Same here, Kelvin! After alt milks invaded the marketplace, it was only a matter of time before alt nut butters did the same. Like you, I first regarded these products with contempt. Milk only came from cows, and butter only came from peanuts. To believe otherwise was un-American. Then my wife brought home a tub of dark chocolate almond butter cups from Trader Joe’s a few years back and … oh yeah, those tasted American all right. My wife can’t buy those cups anymore, because I’ll decimate them in 24 hours or less. You have this problem too, Dickie V?
That could be you enjoying those cups, fair reader, especially if you don’t have heart disease like I do. And frankly, I still eat the fuckers anyway. One time, I was on the road alone for business and bought a tub to eat myself in my hotel room. And you might say, “Oh my God, that’s so sad,” but I didn’t feel sad in the least. I felt nothing but pure rhapsody. I was also not sober, but that’s only of tangential import. Because sober me loves almond butter too! I blend almond butter into my smoothies now. I make AB&J sandwiches for my 13-year-old’s sack lunch. And sometimes we buy these Nature Valley almond butter sandwich biscuits that sound good for you but totally aren’t. I house that shit. We buy those sandwich cookies for the kids, but really … aren’t we all kids inside?
Seriously, almond butter fucking rocks. Better get yours because I'll snatch it out of your hands.
