Drew Magary’s Thursday Afternoon NFL Dick Joke Jamboroo runs every Thursday at Defector during the NFL season. Today we are turning the column over to esteemed guest and past Defector contributor Sarah York.
They handed me the keys to Drew’s Jamboroo, so I get to bitch and moan about something that’s driving me insane about being a sports fan right now: I can’t stand sports betting, and how quickly seemingly every man in mainstream sports media became such an insufferable loser about it, and how their incessant shilling for this shit has ushered in a crisis that I’m afraid we have no way of mitigating.
Legal, frictionless app-based gambling is the most dangerous consumer product rollout of my lifetime, and is causing a growing public health crisis that should be treated with the same urgency as though half of men aged 21–45 suddenly became addicted to heroin. At least the upside with heroin is that we’d quickly run into a supply problem and these men would experience the added barrier of interacting with a human to get it.
Setting aside the ominous future ahead of all of us when an entire generation of men are entering their post-college lives with a hopeless addiction to the endorphin rush of losing all of their money, it’s just so boring to hear about gambling on television and podcasts. There are precious few shows left on TV that don’t have a gambling odds ticker scrolling across the screen while some sweaty millennial degenerate nerd yells about the spread. I find myself gravitating towards the grizzled boomers who still want to talk X’s and O’s. Give me Rex Ryan screaming about Dan Campbell’s playcalling any day. I genuinely find that more entertaining than some podcast dweeb earnestly telling me what’s on “his card” for the weekend’s games, or some guy on Twitter freaking out about how the games are rigged because he lost the mortgage on a parlay. You’re all such fucking dorks!
The Games
All games in the Jamboroo are evaluated for sheer watchability on a scale of 1 to 5 Throwgasms.
Five Throwgasms
Buccaneers at Rams: This is the NFC title matchup I wanted at the beginning of the season, and that feels up in smoke now. Regardless, this will be a rare Sunday night second half I actually make an effort to stay up and watch.
Eagles at Cowboys: My girlfriend barely cares about football, because she’s a healthy person with enriching hobbies, but I’m slowly teaching her about the nuances (or “lore”) of the NFL and she’s aware that divisional matchups are exciting and important. By this time next year, she’ll be able to spot a divisional game on RedZone unprompted, and I will beam with pride.
Bills at Texans: The Bills were my preseason Super Bowl pick and they’re still tracking for it. That said, this is one of those weird ones that they could absolutely lose. I’m aware that Davis Mills is A) still in the league and B) starting at quarterback for the Texans in this game.
Four Throwgasms
Colts at Chiefs: This is the part where I disclose that I’m a lifelong dipshit Chiefs fan. My team has regressed to mediocrity, and that’s good for the sport but bad for me personally. Analytics dorks can save their breath—I’m going by the eye test here, and this team is not making the playoffs. Chris Jones is sleepwalking through games, Dave Toub’s special teams unit is suddenly a yakety-sax lowlight reel on every play, and our corners play like they have five pound weights strapped to their feet. Brett Veach has been locked in a sealed room breathing his own farts for the last five years, committed to giving Patrick Mahomes the bare minimum to work with. To his credit, it obviously worked, but that run of luck is over. They should move every Chiefs game to the 1:00 ET time slot for the rest of this season. Yes, I’m writing this in a blind rage after the Broncos walked us off with a last second field goal.
Steelers at Bears
Three Throwgasms
Patriots at Bengals: My future in-laws are a lovely family of diehard Bengals fans. Getting to know them over the last year and change has softened my heart for this franchise and I find myself emotionally invested in the idea of them winning a Super Bowl. This is an awful way to live and I do not recommend it. The Brown family should be hauled in front of Congress to answer for their numerous crimes. Pam Bondi has launched an investigation already.
Jaguars at Cardinals: I was very mean to Arizonans in this blog, despite never having been to the state. Well, I went there for a wedding a few weeks ago and someone keyed the words “FUCK YOU” on my rental car. They must read Defector.
Giants at Lions: The Lions are frauds and this has potential to be a Jameis Winston hero game. At some point the camera will pan to a suite where Cam Skattebo and Theo Vonn are blindfolded throwing knives at each other.
Two Throwgasms
Vikings at Packers: Nothing to say here about JJ McCarthy that Drew hasn’t already thoroughly covered. The kid is cheeks.
Jets at Ravens
Panthers at 49ers: I will not be charmed by the plucky, undersized quarterback in the year two thousand twenty-five. Y’all be safe out there.
Falcons at Saints: Marjorie Taylor Greene is on an image rehab press tour on all the talk shows, and I shouldn’t be surprised by how eager centrist liberals are to roll out the red carpet to welcome her back to normal society. She is a dangerous person who should be voted out of her seat and never allowed a moment of attention in the media again. You do not, under any circumstances, have to hand it to her or any of the other rats walking back their noxious rhetoric now that they realize they’re on a sinking ship. Let them drown.
One Throwgasm
Browns at Raiders
Seahawks at Titans: I support running up the score in professional football, but even I can’t watch that happen to Cam Ward. I will not be watching.
Pregame Song That Makes Me Wanna Run Through A Goddamn Brick Wall
“Misery Business” by Paramore. I saw a clip of Steph Curry losing his shit at a Paramore show recently, and I felt an instant kinship with him. You simply had to be young, shitfaced, piled in a Chevy Cavalier with friends in 2007 when Hayley Williams was in her bag with this album, it fucking rocked.
Fire This Asshole!
My list is shorter and more forgiving than Drew’s, here we go:
Brian Callahan - FIRED!
Brian Daboll - FIRED!
Mike McDaniel
Jonathan Gannon*****
Zac Taylor
Kevin Stefanski
(* - potential midseason firing)
I left the midseason asterisks off Mike McDaniel and Zac Taylor, not because I don’t believe they should be shitcanned immediately (I do!), but because their owners don’t give enough of a shit about the fans to make any head coaching moves before the end of regular season.
Jalen Hurts' Starbucks Drive-Thru Order Of The Week
“When a champion is asked ‘What can I get started for you today?’, the champion must then ask himself, ‘Why am I waiting for others to start what I was born to finish?’ You ask me these questions as though there’s an answer that hasn’t already been written. I look upon this menu, reading words like Frappucino, Americano, Pup Cup. Many go through life with a menu of options, when I choose instead to pursue my one singular purpose. In pursuit of excellence, one must not concern himself with outside noise, in this case the cars honking their horns behind me. I need only to look inward, and harness the fire that lives inside me. Speaking of fire, can we get two hot mochas please?”
Gametime Snack Of The Week
“Flipz” milk chocolate covered pretzels. I go for the dark chocolate ones if I’m feeling especially fancy. These things last nanoseconds in my house.
Gametime Cheap Beer Of The Week
Good Time Non-Alcoholic Pils. If you hated my curmudgeonly take on sports betting, you’ll be shocked to know I also abstain from alcohol. I swear I’m fun!
I quit drinking a little over four years ago, and (surprise!) every single aspect of my life has improved since then. If you’re curious about quitting or just want to incorporate some booze-free drinks on a night out, we’re in a bit of a golden age for non-alcoholic beverages. Good Time Non-Alc Pils is the best of the beers I’ve tried so far. It’s still nine bucks a pop on NYC restaurant menus, but a case at the store will run you about $15 or so. Plus the can looks cool.
Gametime Movie Of The Week For Titans Fans
The Burbs, starring Tom Hanks and the late, great Carrie Fisher. This movie came out in 1989, back when Tom Hanks was paying the bills with comedies. It’s about a detached, bored suburban dad who takes a week off work and intends to spend it alone while his wife (Fisher) and son are away at the lake house. A creepy family moves in next door, and his nosy neighbor Art recruits him to round up the other eccentrics in their cul-de-sac, including an aloof teenager (Corey Feldman!) and a grizzled Vietnam vet (Bruce Dern!!!). I still mutter the words “it came with the frame” every time I’m in the picture frame aisle at Target. Please see this movie and do the same.
Gratuitous Veep Quote
“That’s like using a CROISSANT as a dildo. It doesn’t do the job, and it makes a fucking MESS.”
