I got got by Connections this week. This is a rare occurrence, because I have a big strong brain that can make distinctions that other brains often cannot. So when I lose Connections, I feel great shame. I have disgraced not only my own legacy, but that of my family's as well. I did not live up to my standard playing Connections, and that will haunt me for a good long time, maybe even into lunch today.
So what the fuck are you, The New York Times games app, to tell me this shit?
"Good attempt today"? What am I, five years old? That wasn't a good attempt on my part. It was a failure. A mental abomination. A horror on par with Permian-Triassic extinction event (look it up if you are weak of mind). I don't need to be told I made a "good attempt." Did Donald Trump give his best effort when he renovated the D.C. reflecting pool? Shit no, he didn't! He fucked up that pool just as badly as I fucked up my puzzle. You gonna give him a goddamn cookie for it? EVERYBODY WANTS A TROPHY THESE DAYS, DON'T THEY.
And what is this retail aphorism (that's right, "aphorism"; I am not afraid to use big words) you're tacking on after the fact?
"Tomorrow is a new day"? No shit, asshole! Did you steal that pearl of wisdom from a throw pillow at HomeGoods? I know when I'm being condescended to, New York Times. Condescension is your company's lifeblood. Well, I'm not a little BOY, you tea-sipping freaks. I'm a grown-ass man with a truly gifted brain. I know what failure looks and feels like, and I don't need an app bot telling me everything is gonna be okay. This is America, shitbirds. Everything is FUCKED here, all of the time. So don't try to make it better by acting like my digital mommy. I have my own mommy, you know. I can just go to her when I'm feeling down, because she's a good mom. You are not. You are the mother of NOTHING.
In fact, you're only making things worse. "Admire puzzle"? Why would I do that? If I drop a bowl of cereal onto the floor, I don't go back to admire it. I know where I messed up, and I know how. Let's "admire" the solution right now (spoiler alert, if you're also a puzzle pervert):
I got those first two groupings with little fuss. The second I saw "cavity" and "recess," I recognized a pattern. I connected things, as I so often do. As for the second grouping, I was thinking more of mouth parts, but I was still in the ballpark, close enough to still round up all of your crazy little synonyms for sass.
"Figures in Greek myth"? Well look, I don't know many of those, but that's not my fault because The Odyssey doesn't come out until next month. Sounds like someone got into an advanced screening before I did. Aren't we so fancy? I hope it's really good. If it isn't, I'm gonna blame you.
Now let's take a look at the final grouping: "Starting with synonyms for 'ilk.'" Horrible category. Not even a real category, just some too-clever-by-half shit. No matter, I should have caught onto your little scheme in time to foil it. I didn't. Again, grief overwhelms me.
But as I am, as stated above, an adult man with a robust mental capacity, I understand when I'm experiencing grief, and I have a number of effective coping mechanisms at my disposal. You know what isn't one of those mechanisms? Me seeking reassurance from the very app that just ruined my shit. "Good attempt today." What a load of shit. Go fuck yourself, Connections.
