Baseball is a game of centimeters, and every carefully placed hair on a pitcher’s head is the difference between a Cy Young season and an ERA higher than your jersey number. Take Toronto's Dylan Cease. At the All-Star Game, Cease explained that during spring training he began turning his head toward third base mid-delivery in order to avoid rotating too quickly on his pitches. This is a small alteration, yet he has lowered his ERA to 2.56 from last year's 4.55.
After hearing Cease describe the weight of his head (13 pounds), I realized that I had neglected so much of the minutiae that goes into a baseball player's success. Dedicating the better part of my next hour to meticulous research, I have developed a handful of seemingly minuscule yet ultimately revolutionary changes that baseball players can make to drastically improve their performance. Here are my suggestions:
- Fastball pitchers may find it helpful to shave their beards and keep their hair trimmed in order to prevent a deleterious drag on their four-seamer. The resulting velocities will turn every pitcher into a mini-Miz and leave batters cowering in fear at the plate.
- For those pitchers trying to perfect their off-speed stuff, daily thumb-twiddling exercises can strengthen their grip on the ball, thus increasing both vertical and horizontal break. Hall of Fame pitcher Bert Blyleven swore by this technique, and very few know that his infamous habit of flipping off fans was not intended as a rude gesture, but was instead one of his regular finger-strengthening routines.
- If you think the Soto Shuffle is a mere celebratory shimmy of the hips, you are sorely mistaken. The movement increases hip flexibility for a quicker and more powerful swing, and I theorize that this was a key contributor to Juan Soto’s back-to-back Silver Slugger wins. If one were to expand the shuffle into a full-on samba, he would likely find a substantial increase in bat speed, exit velocity, and barrels.
- Studies indicate that catchers who tie their cleats with the "bunny ears" method rather than the standard one-loop method could dramatically improve their pop time. The bunny ears method increases toe flexibility and ankle strength, allowing for catchers to jump up from behind home with more acceleration and precise positioning for the throw to second. Sources say that JT Realmuto will throw his teammates' cleats out the window if he sees anyone on the Phillies tying them in a way that does not remind him of a rabbit.
- Batters who thank Jesus every time they touch a base are twice as likely to bat in a run on their next at-bat as those who only thank Jesus when crossing home. This reasoning is self-explanatory.
- Pitchers and catchers would do well to kiss each other on the cheek after every mound visit. Such brotherly affection would promote communication and chemistry between players, and with runners on the corners, it’s very important that lingering thoughts like “Does everyone secretly hate me?” and “I hope I didn’t say something weird when we all huddled up” not creep into the head of an anxiety-prone reliever.
- A belly button piercing may very well be a better slump buster than Jason Giambi’s gold thong. This season, a certain player went from having one of the worst batting averages in the league to enjoying a breakout series against a New York team during which he picked up 15 RBI. The only difference between the before and after was a brand new bejeweled piercing on his belly button. I will refer to this player as "Dansby S." in order to protect his anonymity.
- The most refined ballplayers understand the importance of scheduling a consultation with Tiresias, the blind prophet of Apollo, before a game. Such meetings are correlated with better plate discipline. A dream I had last week alerted me to the little-known fact that Ted Williams was a frequent visitor of Tiresias and attributed his high bases-on-balls-to-plate-appearance ratio to the mythical clairvoyant.
- Research indicates that batters who use Joni Mitchell’s “Both Sides Now” as a walk-up song are three times more likely to make it to first on a bunt than those who demonstrate a lack of musical taste at the plate. Further study is needed to know if the live version from the 1974 album Miles of Aisles is more effective than the original version from the 1969 album Clouds, or the 2000 re-recording with orchestral backing.
With baseball set to come back from the All-Star break, now is the optimal time for serious tinkering in order to perfect one’s game. Players on contenders need to make adjustments to to help their team down the stretch. Players on teams that have lost all hope have the freedom to get a little wild with it and see what works. I hope this important research inspires those players who currently display insufficient technique. If anyone knows Mark Vientos, please kindly send him this blog and let him know there is still time.
