Welcome to the Defector College Football Watch Guide, where Israel Daramola and Ray Ratto will tell you which of the weekend’s college football games are worth giving a crap about.
Israel: Mike Norvell is finally, officially out of my life. I am ecstatic, but I am also left completely cold. The good thing about having a hatable figure looming large over your school is that they absorb all the problems that exist, in that program and everywhere else. My opinion about his coaching is a matter of public record, but I'll say this: Norvell and that dumb face of his made for a good lightning rod, all things considered.
But now he's gone. Athletic director Michael Alford was gone in September. Thanks to an approximately $50 million buyout for Norvell and the general changing landscape of college football, the future of FSU football is more uncertain than it has ever been.
Realistically speaking, Florida State does not have the money to compete with the biggest schools' NIL budgets, and now we also don't have the money to try and hunt for a top-dollar coach. The best outcome is that FSU finds the next great coach; Indiana did it, and UCLA and Kentucky may have too. But who does FSU hire to be our next athletic director, and do we trust the school's decision-makers to make the right decision? FSU arguably tried it with Norvell, and despite one great season, he never showed himself to be the recruiter he needed him to be. Before that, the school tried it with Willie Taggart, who left his job at Oregon to be our coach; at the time, that was a no-brainer.
This isn't to say that these decision makers couldn't get it right. It's just pointing out that so far, they haven't. That inability, combined with the lack of a big NIL purse, means FSU is on the razor's edge of going from a school that was once powerful and relevant to a permanent also-ran, banished to the B-tier of football, forever talking about the old days. And you know what they say about the old days:
Ray: It's November, which you probably have noticed, and for college football weirdos that means two things. One, time to restock that second beer fridge right outside the kids' bedroom, and two, time to ratchet up the performative hatred. While other people see a lot of big-time matchups between teams with playoff aspirations, we see more basic instincts born of historical precedent. The most obvious one is Miami at Notre Dame, bringing back the exceedingly unpleasant Catholics Vs. Convicts tropes from nearly four decades ago, now revivified and repurposed with Miami ranked first in the country and Notre Dame 11th. (They're fourth in the AP rankings, about which more below.)
This is a good week for regional hatreds as well, either geographical or just forced constructs. Thus we present a card this week full of local detestations that remind us that college football doesn't bring people together as much as it steals their cars from the driveways and sends them to chop shops, or calls the cops to complain that they're not keeping up their yards. So strap in. Some alum of some place in your neighborhood is going to act like an ass, and it'll probably be because of a fourth-quarter fumble that changes someone's day for the worse.
For the rest of the season, we will be using the College Football Playoff rankings as the official team rankings. And now, onto the games:
Nebraska at Illinois — Friday, 8:00 p.m. ET on FOX
Big Dick Bret Bielema did what Nebraska couldn't and shellacked Oregon to a humbled state (please do not look up who didn't play for Oregon that day). I'd be feeling much better about the Fightin' Illini than I would about the Cornhuskers, but teams like that giveth and then taketh away. Illinois might be in store for a grand closing Friday night but on the flip side, what do you really have to lose? Let it all hang out—a thing no one should say to Bielema—and see where the chips fall. — Israel
New Mexico at Nevada — Friday, 9:00 p.m. ET on CBSSN
Virginia Tech-SMU should have been the best game tonight, but that was before the Ponies lost at Syracuse and pretty much vomited away their thin playoff hopes. This game shouldn't be close, but New Mexico now has the inside track on the G6 playoff spot, so if you like Mountain West defense (which you shouldn't), this is your best chance at getting the family to leave you alone. The G6 alternative of choice, now that James Madison has lost back-to-back overtime games, would be Boise State at Colorado State, but that means watching Colorado State, and frankly that should be actionable as a misdemeanor assault. — Ray
(9) BYU at (3) Utah — Saturday, 12:00 p.m. ET on NBC
It's called the Holy War, because what else would you call a football game between church-going weenies and hellbound heathens? Feels more like bland branding, to be honest, and no, we don't want people from Orem or St. George to explain the intricacies of Utahn life. Mostly, the winner pretty much locks up a CFP spot while the loser is still in pretty good shape. Frankly, this one is neither especially holy nor much of a war, plus they're playing it at breakfast time, so sleep deprivation will be one of Pat McAfee's keys to the ga—oh, sorry. Too soon, right? — Ray
(7) Texas at (18) Missouri — Saturday, 12:00 p.m. ET on ESPN
This game is only interesting if Missouri wins, because there are few things quite as fun as watching the pundidiots turn on Arch Manning yet again. If you need split-screening, try UCLA-Minnesota in tandem. — Ray
(8) UCLA at Minnesota — Saturday, 12:00 p.m. ET on FOX
Minnesota unfortunately flew a bit too close to the sun last weekend against an Indiana team that probably should've been beaten then. If only the game had come down to kicks, they would've kicked the shit out of the Hoosiers on their way to victory. I'm not sure you can come out of that kind of loss feeling good, but you also shouldn't feel too bad. Now the Gophers have a chance to stub the toe of this nascent movement happening in UCLA. A California school is coming down to cold-ass Minnesota to rock your boat? You've got weather and "body clock" on your side, Gophers, and while they might have the next coaching genius, you have an all-time coaching nutbag on your sideline. Go prove a point ... or lose admirably again. Whichever. — Israel
(5) Alabama at (14) LSU — Saturday, 3:30 p.m. ET on ABC
This could be a sensational game, and will be if ABC promises not to show either Kalen DeBoer or Lane Kiffin at any point. Yes, the chances of that are essentially zero, so never let the remote escape your grip. Kiffin won't be fired because he has the governor in his backpack, but Louisiana is a different place when it comes to football dissatisfaction. How this ends up on Saturday is anyone's guess; how it ends for Lane is, as always, a matter of time. — Ray
(23) Oregon at (12) Ohio State — Saturday, 3:30 p.m. ET on CBS
Ohio State has Jeremiah Smith, the best player in all of football, and it no longer matters because they're starting a true freshman backup quarterback. While I'm sure Luke Fahey will get better with practice, he's not the most desirable choice now. Poor Smith really might lose the Heisman because he no longer has those Julian Sayin moonballs to make magic out of. I'd be pissed off about that forever. — Israel
Western Kentucky at Middle Tennessee — Saturday, 3:30 p.m. ET on ESPN+
You want hatred? Well, this one's right in the title—the game is known as "100 Miles Of Hate," even though Route 231 doesn't seem all that hellish a road. The reward for this loathfest is a spot in the middle of the Conference USA standings, while the punishment is a spot in the middle of the Conference USA standings. But it's still 100 miles of hate because they say so, so deal with it, in conjunction with ... — Ray
(6) Kentucky at (13) Tennessee — Saturday, 6:15 p.m. ET on ESPN
... this beauty right here. Their road is I-75, and the distance makes it 170 Miles of Making Mean Faces At Each Other, but this year, Kentucky football fans have a reason to be fully invested—specifically, Kentucky being tied with Georgia atop the SEC standings, while Tennessee is in a many-way tie for fourth. Still, the game is in Knoxville, Tennessee's defense is better, and the Vols have some 'splainin' to do after following their win over Alabama with a loss at South Carolina that pretty well rogered their playoff dreams. Kentucky has won six straight since getting beat by Bama, and this is the toughest game left on their schedule. Surely these two teams can be persuaded to hate each other just for the sake of the bit. Too bad this wasn't a doubleheader. — Ray
(2) Georgia at (10) Ole Miss — Saturday, 7:30 p.m. ET on ABC
This is something of a revenge game for Georgia after they got pantsed in the second half of last season's playoff game against Ole Miss, despite being favored. Georgia will likely win on Saturday because they are good at squeezing the life from opponents' eyes. If not, they'll lose because Ole Miss butters itself up enough to keep slipping out of Georgia's grasp. I think Trinidad Chambliss is still slippery, but his team is losing effectiveness, and even he can't keep wriggling free forever. — Israel
(1) Miami at (11) Notre Dame — Saturday, 7:30 p.m. ET on NBC
This was going to be so much better before Malachi Toney's ankle accordioned. Suddenly, Miami seems comparatively ordinary, Notre Dame seems inevitable, and the game seems blah. Toney makes Darian Mensah a much more dangerous quarterback, and Miami's offensive options are limited only by Mario Cristobal's imagination. Now? This is much closer being a JAG: Just A Game. — Ray
(19) Iowa at Northwestern — Saturday, 7:30 p.m. ET on FOX
Northwestern unfortunately ran out of offense against a highly suspect Oregon team. They technically have a chance at redemption here, but Iowa has a tendency to bring every team down to their level, which is essentially a bunch of warthogs ramming each other into the mud. As excited as I am to see what new formation shapes offensive coordinator Chip Kelly comes up with this week, I'm not certain this squad has much more of their magic left. — Israel
Air Force at Army — Saturday, 7:30 p.m. ET on CBS
The two runningest (and therefore least throwingest) teams in the country meet to determine who will win the 1934 national championship. For further guidance, just watch last week's Falcons-Bucs game on a tape loop until kickoff. — Ray
Texas State at Oregon State — Saturday, 10:30 p.m. ET on The CW
While I would not call the team great, every Oregon State game has been a lot of fun to watch this season. Jesse Legree has been a legitimate and inexplicable star of the sport; he's reliably exciting to watch. The late-night schedule leaves a lot to be desired this weekend, but it might be worth staying up just for him. — Israel
Memphis at South Florida — Thursday, 8:00 p.m. ET on ESPN
To get back to FSU's coaching search: It seems clear to me that the school should try and find the next gem from a smaller program, and Memphis' Charles Huff certainly deserves consideration there. Frankly, some of these MAC coaches (at UTSA, North Texas, or Ohio) should also get a look. Let's turn over every rock, people. — Israel
YOUR OBERLIN MINUTE
Turning the calendar to November means it's time to show or go—or, in this case, show AND go. There are still 28 teams across the four levels (FBS, FCS, D-II, and D-III) of college football that haven't won a game yet. That's out of 670 teams. One of them will end up at No. 670 just as surely as another, very different team will end up No. 1. The difference is that an unqualified artery-hardened mosh pit of fossilized ghouls formed a committee to decide which is worthy to be the best team, while which team is dead last will be decided only by us. And we're downright adorable.
The task before us is to sift through the piles of Kohawks and Duhawks, Mules and Muleriders, Saxons and Britons, Flying Dutchmen and Fighting Scots, Orediggers and Hardrockers, Boll Weevils and Wasps, Blueboys, Johnnies, Jimmies and Auggies to search for other candidates. But there is only one Yeo. Our heroes are 668th in scoring, 664th in points allowed, and have the poorest point differential in the country (minus-422 after Saturday's narrow 59-7 loss to Kenyon). They are pure of heart, good of grades and noble of purpose, at least as far as we can tell. Tomorrow, the John Carroll Blue Streaks will come to town and presumably will leave happy at the end of the day. That's the type of planned generosity that locks up 670. — Ray
