What's Your Lamest Daydream?

Time for your weekly edition of the Defector Funbag. Got something on your mind? Email the Funbag. Today, we're talking about hockey, Jane Austen, Steven Spielberg, how to start dating, and more.

Drew is off this week, and I'm your substitute. I write about hockey, baseball, and a bunch of other stuff here at Defector. I also just published a book of essays about the movie It's A Wonderful Life, called Every Time A Bell Rings, which I co-wrote with the amazing critic and novelist Emily St. James. It's a great gift for Christmas, but there is no greater gift than being able to answer your letters. So let's get to it.

Ryan:

The other day I heard a Simon and Garfunkel song on the radio. I started idly thinking in kind of a music nerdy way about their respective talents and contributions to their partnership and this line of thinking drifted into a sort of weird daydream where I was answering imaginary interview questions in my head as Art Garfunkel. I caught myself and got a little embarrassed for having a fantasy (even briefly) as lame and dumb as being Art Garfunkel, but tbh, I've done this kind of thing before. Do you do stuff like this? What is your lamest type of daydreaming?

Hey, a man could do a lot worse than be Art Garfunkel. Go check him out in Mike Nichols’s Carnal Knowledge if you’re hurting for more questions: ”What was it like working with Jack Nicholson?”, things of that nature.

I relate to your question, as I am regularly imagining conversations in my head. Some of it is genuinely how I think through the important stuff, because I guess my brain loves the Socratic method. Other times, it’s fantasies my mind gets into while in the shower or waiting for the train. Here are three common ones:

I am the first female player in MLB history and I am talking to reporters after hitting three home runs against the Yankees.
An old acquaintance is asking me about my relationship, often at a hair salon but maybe at a wedding.
Marc Maron is inquiring about my adolescence, especially what music I liked in high school.

I’ll leave it up to you to decide which of these is the lamest.

Jake:

I recently went to a Mountain Goats concert, and the song they chose to open their set was “The Legend of Chavo Guerrero”, and it occurred to me in the aftermath that it really set the mood for a kickass show, being a fairly uptempo, energetic song (by Mountain Goats standards).
As someone who attends shows regularly, what are the most important criteria for a song opening a set?

That’s one of my favorite Mountain Goats songs, and this question triggered two specific memories of very different openers. When I saw Pearl Jam at Joe Louis Arena, they opened with a slow-burn deeper cut that I love, “Release,” which jolted me because it felt like they were speaking to me personally by choosing it. However, I'd like to make the case for just saying screw it and blasting out your biggest hit first, when the audience is arguably going to be at their most energetic. I attended Lollapalooza 2013 when The Killers opened with “Mr. Brightside,” and being in that crowd was the physical manifestation of going from 10 to 11. And anyway, they were still able to close with “All These Things That I've Done” and “When You Were Young.”

Patrick:

In what decade do you think it will be reasonable to expect the Red Wings to truly be a force in the playoffs? Because it doesn't seem like it will just take a couple of years.

Decades is a little too pessimistic for my taste, even if they haven't won a series since 2013. This team isn't a cellar-dweller. They've been close to the playoffs the last few years, and if you make it in, a hot goalie alone can get you as far as, like, Game 6 of the second round.

With Dylan Larkin apparently on his way out, the scenario worth rooting for is the post–John Tavares Islanders, who hired a great coach in Barry Trotz, then bucked expectations and managed a couple of thrilling playoff runs despite a lack of offensive firepower or even major stars on the blue line. They were aided, to be sure, by what felt like a magical ability to keep the puck out of their own net, and those spells eventually expired. But it wouldn’t take that much overachievement for the Wings to get back in the mix, and then maybe into a position where like Andrew Copp or someone can score a Casey Cizikas–like OT goal against a hated opponent.

Todd:

Here's a genuinely manly question for you: Do we really need a new adaptation of Sense and Sensibility? Yes, I realize it's been 30 years, so the material is fair game. But how do you top Emma Thompson's Oscar-winning Screenplay and that all-star cast? What—is this one finally going to answer whether Marianne likes olives? Let the classic stand, I say!

The glut of Austen adaptations is a perfectly fine way to keep British actors working, like the National Theatre or whatever the heck “Alan Partridge” is. The 2022 version of Persuasion, for example, shouldn’t mess with your enjoyment of the 1995 edition. But I do get that Thompson and Ang Lee’s Sense feels especially ridiculous to try to recreate. It’s a smart crowd-pleaser from the peak of the rom-com era, with an unbelievable cast and maybe the best book-to-script transition ever. Still, it’s probably easier to think of Austen as more Shakespeare than Star Wars, where there’s plenty of fun in trying different approaches to the original, even if perfection has already been achieved.

Zach:

I just turned 33 today. To my great shame and embarrassment I have never been in a relationship or even on a date and have never had sex. I’m not even 100% sure if I am attracted to women or men (or maybe both?) since I have never had a romantic experience with anyone of either gender.
At this point I feel like the old dog who can't learn new tricks and that I am destined to wander the Earth a hopeless virgin. I remember laughing while watching The 40-Year-Old Virgin but now I am fast approaching Steve Carrell-lying-about-having-sex-during-poker-games status.
I feel I'm trapped in a vicious cycle of my own making. The longer I wait to put myself out there due to fear and embarrassment the more awkward it becomes. Yet the more awkward it becomes the less I want to try.
As someone who had a relatively late start in the sex game, any advice on what I can do? Is there any way to push through this? I did attend a few therapy sessions to talk about these issues. The therapy was helpful but the onus is still on me to take the initiative if I really want to experience sex.

This was an older email, but I wanted to take it as a guest in this space because I do not have a couple decades of marriage under my belt and didn’t get into my first serious relationship until I hit 30.

Something I think about a lot is how much dating advice and dating infrastructure spotlights your initial interaction: optimizing the opening line on an app, treating a first date like a job interview, selling some sort of skeezy pick-up method. But there’s nothing rational or objective about attraction. One of the absolute hardest things that nearly everybody has to accept is that you have no control over whether or not the person you’re into feels a spark of intrigue when they consider you. Instead of trying to manufacture that spark, you’re better off relinquishing any sense of power on that first attempt and put your efforts into being the best person you can be on a second date, third date, and beyond. For me, personally, that’d be someone who’s trustworthy, well-read, supportive, and open to new experiences.

It of course sucks to get rejected or just ignored by someone you think is cool, but each time tends to hurt a little less, because each time you have a little more evidence that life goes on all right. Take a deep breath and try one of the apps, which are not at all ideal but at least give you the option of deleting if you ultimately feel too anxious. Create a profile that gives someone a realistic picture of what it would be like to spend time with you. Communicate clearly, be a good listener, and if it escalates, do what feels right in your gut and recognize that the other person is likely feeling similar anxieties, even if they’ve got more of a history.

HALFTIME!

Scott:

I once brought a friend to a Phish show, and he described the atmosphere as "like a playoff game."
So, which sports team (or athlete) do you think would have the most fun at a group outing to Phish New Year's Eve at Madison Square Garden? Which team (or athlete) would have the least fun?

Dec. 30 and 31 at MSG do indeed feel like a playoff atmosphere. There’s so much more uncertainty and anticipation at a Phish show compared to your average same-setlist-every-night artist, and the historical importance of those dates in particular heighten your senses so they’re primed for something unforgettable.

I’m a pretty big fan of Phish, or at least the biggest Phan on staff by a large margin. I am also completely comfortable with the idea that there’s not a single pro athlete who would especially enjoy my company, or whom I would get along with. There is one parasocial exception to this belief, and that is Mark Canha. I’d take him, plus Natasha Cloud to make my friends jealous, and, as of this week, Devin Cooley.

The worst athletes to take to a Phish concert would be the U.S. men’s national team of any sport. Unless jamming is a sport.

Ben:

How do you feel about the NHL’s decision to consolidate the histories of the current Winnipeg Jets and the old Winnipeg Jets?

Not everyone appreciates when leagues rewrite history to this end, but I like combining the two Winnipegs. It’s more in line with how local fans experience their teams—as civic assets, not legal documents—so my main issue is that the Atlanta Thrashers don’t make sense sitting between the old and the new Jets. Either way, we’re one step closer to forgetting that the Coyotes ever existed.

Todd (different Todd):

I watched Disclosure Day and it was one of the worst movies I've ever seen. Looking at Spielberg's filmography, when was the last good movie he's directed? Minority Report was 24 years ago.

My main issue with Disclosure Day is that Emily Blunt played a TV weatherperson, which is a profession so alien to me that it actively interfered with my investment in her fate.

I don’t have quite as much distaste for 21st-century Spielberg as you do—if nothing else, he’s consistently surrounded himself with top-tier talent—though I do think it helps to hold his new works up to the same standards you would, say, a new Paul McCartney album. Of course it won’t be his best movie yet; he made Jurassic Park! But Lincoln’s cast makes it go down easy, West Side Story is technically impressive, and The Fabelmans zags just enough to avoid the pat sentimentality you might expect.

Plus, just like how McCartney wrote some real crap even when he was in the Beatles, Steve’s imperial era wasn’t exactly untarnished. 1941, Hook, and The Lost World all got underwhelming receptions. Temple Of Doom is one of the most unpleasant movies ever made. ET, with his barely verbal, endlessly merchandisable cuteness, gives me the same ick as the Minions.

And even if you want to keep exercising your right to hate on Spielberg’s grandpa flicks, I will not allow you to be anything but grateful for the way he gave David Lynch his final bow:

Hazel:

I'm a late-40s, pretransition trans woman and still stupidly, insanely happy to accept it.
I was curious if there were any things that might seem glaringly obvious to folks who've been where I am now, but are going to be blind spots for me because I can be dumbfoundingly oblivious? I’m probably just asking what I haven’t overthought yet.

To begin: Hell yeah, Hazel. The nice, general sentiment here is something like: You’re going to go through another puberty, and it’s going to be hard, and you’re going to have to get used to people noticing you, and then eventually you’ll end up kind of looking like your mom.

My most straightforward practical advice is as follows: Start saving for lasers on your facial hair now; learn how to shave your limbs; don’t pay for voice training but practice reading aloud to yourself; watch make-up tutorials; buy the simple, everyday clothes instead of the really glamorous stuff, at least to start; know your exact measurements to make online shopping as efficient as possible; get started on legally changing your name soon; and don’t forget to treat yourself with little things that make you feel good. Finally, and this is a tough one, never assume that someone else is thinking negative thoughts about you. I owe Harron Walker for that bit of wisdom, and it’s served me very well.

Ben (different Ben):