Time for your weekly edition of the Defector Funbag. Got something on your mind? Email the Funbag. You can also read Drew over at SFGATE, and buy Drew’s books while you’re at it. Today, we're talking about forward progress, Queens of the Stone Age, grout, and more.
I have to run a bit shorter than usual this week because I was summoned for jury duty yesterday. The juror lounge had no free coffee, and the vending machine was empty. RUDE. I was so agitated that if I had actually gotten called, I would have automatically voted to convict regardless of the evidence.
Anyway, your letters:
Shane:
Watched the ending of Commanders-Rams. I honestly believe the Commanders are trying to lose games on purpose. If someone hasn’t been fired by the time this question posts, I will be shocked.
If you missed the game Shane is talking about, the Commanders were down by seven at home to L.A./ with eight seconds left on the clock. They were facing second-and-10 at the Rams’ 31, but had no timeouts to work with. In that kind of situation, you should try for a quick sideline completion, then use your final down for a shot at the end zone.
The Commanders, led by coach Dan Quinn and QB Jayden Daniels—two men who had already authored this season’s dumbest endgame—did neither of those things. Instead, Daniels burned his first play by throwing incomplete down the seam to Stefon Diggs, well short of the end zone. The Commanders were lucky Diggs didn’t catch that ball, because of course the clock would have run out on them. So you know what they did on their final play? They threw short of the end zone AGAIN, this time to TE Chig Okonkwo, who tried to kick off a lateral party that was smothered in short order.
Again, Washington was already at the L.A. 31. That’s a distance from which you don’t even have to run a pure Hail Mary to take a shot at the end zone. And if you use one more play to get a little bit closer, you get that much more of the playbook to work with at the very end. When Chris Hansen tells the audience at home, “Someone is gonna have to answer questions about what the Commanders were doing at the end of that game,” you KNOW it’s a major league fuckup. I know the fog of football can affect your decision-making, but these teams have clock management coaches now. They also have sophisticated comms networks that could get them in touch with NORAD at the end of a game if they needed a lifeline. Even if the Commanders WANTED to lose that game, they would have had a smoother operation than the one that they actually deployed. And yet, as of this writing, no one has been fired over it. This is because football people are fucking stupid.
Chris:
How about a Defector "pin the nickname on Pat McAfee" contest? I’m stuck on Titty Boy, but I know there are many more poetically apt choices than that.
When you’re as widely reviled as Pat McAfee is, you don’t need a mean nickname. Your name alone is already a slur. I say the name “Pat McAfee” and you let out a groan that can be heard across the Atlantic. No other moniker I cook up is going to have that same effect. I know because I’m the blogger who tried to get everyone to call Colin Cowherd “schrutebag” 20 years ago. It didn’t stick, because it was a dumb nickname. More important, the name “Colin Cowherd” cannot be further degraded. It’s an inherently stupid name, and one that befits a nasally, arrogant, and criminally stupid man who never shuts the fuck up. Besides, I don’t wanna waste my energy thinking about any of these jackasses any more than I already do. The fact that Cowherd’s takes still get picked up by other news outlets is enraging enough as is.
John:
I am sorry for the devastating news, but with your new photo on the blog, I must say that you look like Pat McAfee's older brother. That being said, please be the good older brother and beat his ass up.
HEY! You asshole!
Casey:
I got roped into a debate at my wife’s workplace: is a quarter zip a shirt, or a jacket?
It’s a sweater. That’s a really annoying answer, and I already feel bad saying it. But layers are complicated that way, not unlike ogres and onions.
Ian:
The new Queens of the Stone Age album contains a criminal lack of rippin' licks, true or false?
It’s a great album. I would’ve dumped on it a few years ago for lacking a noticeable single, ala “Paper Machete” on their previous effort. And when the band dropped their first video off of Perfecth, “Easy Street,” I was underwhelmed. Felt tossed off. But this was the year I decided to stop listening exclusively to playlists set to shuffle, and listen to full albums instead. It’s made a huge difference, and it allowed me to listen to QOTSA’s latest opus on its own terms, rather than me just impatiently waiting to see which tracks needed to go into my workout rotation. I’ve gone back now to listening to each album, understanding how every track works in context with every other track.
In that regard, Perfecth is compelling from start to finish. It’s not Songs for the Deaf, but QOTSA already made that album you know? Bandleader Josh Homme is an old-ass man now, and he wanted to make an album that reflected that. So the tunes are slowed down (not everywhere), but borrow from a wider range of influences and are still crazy intense if you listen close enough. I know better than scream “it’s their best album since (insert long ago LP here),” because you have to give art time to make its greatness, or lack thereof, known. But I do know that every time I listen to this new QOTSA disc, I wanna listen to it again. That’s the real test of any song or album.
Ben:
Saw Silver Linings Playbook and a couple things in it REALLY bugged me. When Bradley Cooper and Jennifer Lawrence go to the diner, she orders cereal. Only a true pervert does this as an adult, right?
Can you even order boxed cereal at a diner? I’ve never opened up a menu at the Midnight Express and seen “Raisin Bran $6” listed as an item. You can order oatmeal, of course. I’ve done this in the past and been surprisingly pleased with the choice. But ordering cold cereal at a diner defeats the purpose of going to a diner at all.
Kevin:
Why isn’t grout ever anything other than black/dark gray?
Or white. Don’t ignore white grout, lest you hurt its feelings. Anyway, it’s usually best to use dark-colored grout because grout is where all the nasty shit builds up. Same reason buying white underwear is a bad idea, you get me?
Gray grout became a big thing back whenever millennial gray became a fashionable interior design choice, and then an inescapable one. I know because we renovated our kitchen in 2015 and guess what color grout we chose? Mmhmm. But I don’t regret it. If we had chosen, say, orange grout, I think that would have grown tiresome pretty fast. It’s just grout. No one really gives a shit.
Joe:
So I'm watching JT O’Sullivan talk about playing in the rain as he goes over the famous Buccaneers game where Baker Mayfield didn't complete a pass. One trick he talked about is throwing a pass to start a series, because the ball is relatively dry so it's easier to throw. Is it really cheap that a league that can fly all their players to Brazil or Paris limits the amount of balls during a torrential rainstorm, to the point that a QB can't complete a pass? I want to tell the NFL to get some more footballs for the game but on the other hand, an occasional rain game is fun. What do you think?
It’s fine. I like it when the elements factor into an NFL game. It’s not always fun (see last year’s AFC title game), but I firmly believe that football is meant to be played outdoors. If that means we get the occasional novelty statline out of it, then all the better. I also feel no pity for pro golfers whenever they whine about course conditions at the U.S. Open. You’re a paid professional. Deal with it, asswipe.
And I’m not gonna demand that the league supply powder-fresh balls for every single down. It’s on players and coaches to adapt. I remember when Deflategate was happening, Bill Belichick was explaining how he prepared the Patriots to play with every kind of possible football. During that filibuster, he started reeling off a list of ball conditions like he was Bubba from Forrest Gump reciting shrimp recipes: sticky balls, tacky balls, slippery balls, frozen balls. It was a fun soundbite, relative to Belichick’s usual pressers. But it was also instructive in that insanely detailed, Belichickian way: one that illuminated how the game works way beyond the X’s and O’s. I find that shit interesting.
Also, (WARNING: generalizing ahead), no one ever talks about how big an NFL ball is compared to a college ball. Wanna know why draft perverts get all weird about QB hand size? It’s because these guys have throw a fucking rugby ball all around the field. So yeah, hand size will matter, among a million other petty factors.
HALFTIME!
Dave:
After watching the entire Bills/Vikings MNF game, I realized I hadn't read this week's Jamboroo. When I found the game filed under five Throwgasms, I laughed loud enough to wake my wife. No question, just thanks. I needed that.
You’re welcome?
Tim:
Abolish forward progress. This one's tricky, cause I get a defense would focusing on gang pushing the ball carrier backwards and then we'd have rugby again, but sometimes I feel like forward progress is bullshit.
I agree. There really are occasional moments where I wish the ref would swallow their whistle and see how far the scrum can hold. It’s fun to watch that big mass of bodies slow to a crawl, move backward, and then start moving forward again. If the ref lets it play all the way out, maybe it spills into a nearby Old West saloon and an even bigger donnybrook breaks out. Also, you can tell the players are having a good time in there. Who doesn’t love jumping into a bigass fight?
And you might say, “OK, but what about player safety Drew?” AHAHAHAHAHA. “Safety.” Good one, amigo.
Zach:
How much physical currency do you think you have lost in your lifetime? Strictly talking about bills and coins. How much physical currency have you found? Do you think what you've lost and what you've found balances out? I think I'm still in the negative column with more lost than found.
I actually keep a detailed journal of this, and have since I was a wee lad. Every time I spot a rusty nickel sitting in the gutter, I pick it up and log it in my journal. And at the end of every day, I take inventory of my wallet and my change dish, noting any discrepancies from the previous night’s inventory. Come the New Year, I work up a full P&L balance sheet to calculate money found versus money lost. As of this writing, I am currently 75 cents in the black over my lifetime. VICTORY.
Brett:
Guy who puts the exclamation point after Yahoo or Jeopardy: pretentious asshole? I get it’s correct, but bro we are in the comments section. I instinctively yell it in my head when reading it and it causes undue stress on my organs.
Anyone who puts the exclamation point on Jeopardy is a nerd. Anyone who does it for Yahoo is a brand slave. The former is harmless. The latter is material evidence of society’s decay. In order to balance the karmic scales, I write Yaho with only one O. All of the thirsty male allies populating Bluesky have praised me for it.
David:
How is it possible that Trump hasn’t dressed up in some sort of military uniform and cited being “Commander in Chief” as his excuse? This would be the ultimate stolen valor, and Fox News and his supporters would absolutely support it. Trump has to think anything but a suit (poorly tailored) is below him, right?
This is correct. Donald Trump believes that anyone who volunteers for military service is a sucker, which is kinda true. He also believes that “business executive” is the highest form of man. If you wear a suit, even one with your doo-doo reprocessing apparatus discreetly tucked underneath, you get to order around all of the other people. That’s how the law works in Donald Trump’s expired brain.
Max:
Do you think Trump knows how to make his own coffee? As in has he ever poured grinds into a filter in a coffee pot and run the brew cycle himself?
Trump doesn’t drink coffee. He has all of the temperance of a Mormon with none of the ethics. It’s fucking weird. So of course he doesn’t know how to make a cup of coffee. Even if it was a Keurig machine, he’d still be utterly perplexed. I’ve also fucked up a Keurig brew, but that’s not germane to this discussion. Don’t goof on me for fucking up a hotel Keurig machine and getting water all over the minibar. That’s none of your business.
Ryan:
How accurate do you think you’d be at filling in for a home plate umpire? I think the average person would get the call right 25% of the time. I think they’d split 50-50 at correct calls as the first base umpire.
If I got 25 percent of the home plate calls correct, it would essentially be out of sheer luck. Because I wouldn’t be able to see any pitch. I know this because I once stood inside of one of those batting cages where the pitches come at 75 mph. I saw nothing. I tried to see the ball, but before I had even sensed it had left the JUGGS machine, I’d hear it smack into the net behind me.
And that was at just 75 mph. That’s a fucking eephus pitch to a major leaguer. Anything higher and I might as well try to see a helium atom with my naked eye. Also, I’m scared of the ball, so I’d be running away from the plate mid-windup on every pitch. I don’t care if I’m wearing the full suit of ump armor. I want no part of a pro fastball coming anywhere near my person. Let the robots do that shit. I’ll be huddled over in the dugout, flipping a coin to decide if it was a ball or a strike.
Kyle:
What’s the protocol on a brand new tub of flavored hummus? Do you immediately mix all of the extra pine nuts/spices in the middle throughout so all the bites are roughly the same, or do you eat all of those center ingredients immediately and then have plain hummus after the first few bites?
I use a chip to loosely stir the spice wad into the rest of the tub, which results in some marbling. But I don’t fully mix the tub, because that’s too much work. I’m just in this for the hummus, anyway. That sad little knob of red peppers in the center is more ornamental than anything else.
Ben:
What characteristics define "butt rock," and who is the godfather of it (Foo Fighters)?
Oh wow, that’s quite a dig at Foo Fighters. Dave Grohl and his love children will take umbrage with you, Ben. Watch your back.
Anyway, what is butt rock? Well I define it as rock music that is simplistic, derivative, and created specifically for meathead bros who have no taste. The progenitor of this genre is, of course, KISS. Don’t let Chuck Klosterman types trick you into thinking that KISS was actually a brilliant band. They were a novelty gift store that happened to put out albums. I blame them for the likes of Danger Danger, Trapt, late-stage Loverboy, and thousands more poseur bands. Fuck Gene Simmons with his own tongue.
Email of the week!
Edward:
I was reading the funbag and saw you mention broadening conversation topics. In college I got into football when I realized I'd be transferring and knew I'd need a conversation starter that worked most places. Fast forward a few years and I got into fantasy football and became a proper sicko.
In 2014 I got T-boned by a person running a red light and was MOSTLY unscathed, but had bashed my head into my driver's side window and got checked for a concussion. During the ambulance ride I tried to strike up a conversation with the guy riding in the back with me, to distract myself from the thing that had just happened. I asked him if he liked the Ravens that year. He told me he didn't watch football so I pivoted to books, TV, and video games. Apparently he also did not partake in any of those??? I tried every sport I could think of and the dude just claimed he consumed no media. I don't really have a question here. I assume the guy was just being kind of a dick, but the possibility he was telling the truth and has no hobbies haunts me to this day.
The original rawdogger.
