Drew Magary’s Thursday Afternoon NFL Dick Joke Jamboroo runs every Thursday at Defector during the NFL season. Got something you wanna contribute? Email the Roo. You can also read Drew over at SFGATE, and buy Drew’s books while you’re at it.
In case you missed it a week ago, The Athletic published this extremely detailed report from Jourdan Rodrigue and Mike Sando on how NFL game day communications work. I encourage you to read the entire thing in full, because it includes a lot of sweet tea, including stories about head coaches angrily firing their assistants over the headset (then changing their minds the next day) and, dearer to my heart, one assistant coach staying on the channel while he had to take a frantic piss. My kindred spirit.
As with all things NFL, these communication systems are coordinated with near-military fuss. The graphic design in the story includes multiple ornate diagrams that outline how all of this shit works. We see how dozens of coaches on the sideline are talking with one another, on the field and up in the booth, during a game. We also see all of the tech crew workers behind the bench wearing different-colored hats to signify which of them are in charge of keeping the radio channels private, which ones service the Microsoft tablets that players love to angrily smash on the ground, and such and such. All of these people are connected by a series of invisible lines so tangled, it looks like an old-timey phone switchboard when laid out on paper.
You might think that such a painstakingly crafted infrastructure would keep operations running smoothly from kickoff to final whistle. Again, as with all things NFL, there are bugs. Like this one that former Eagles offensive coordinator Brad Childress relayed to the authors:
“I’m in Lincoln Financial Field, calling plays in to Donovan McNabb, and right in the middle of one of the calls, I get a tow truck operator down on South Street, Philadelphia, that crackles through the radio line.”
I got a headache just thinking about that. Anyway, all of these fuckups make for great comedy, but they also beg the question: does a pro football team REALLY need all of this shit?
Because I’m not entirely certain that it does. I understand why the coach-to-player radio is important. It makes communication easier in a boisterous crowd (to an extent; the piece also has a fun gallery of QB’s covering their earholes because they still can’t hear anything), plus it helps prevent any would-be Belichicks from stealing analog signals.
But there’s a difference between taking precautions and wildly overdoing it. NFL teams have now become dependent on these bulky comms networks, to the point where even fans like you and I know that every coach stays on that goddamn radio for the max amount of time, overloading designated players on the field with information until the signal cuts off with 15 second left on the play clock. When time is up, the coach gets a shrill buzz in their headset and the QB is left adrift. Again, this can result in moments of morbid amusement, like this one:
[Vikings coach Kevin] O’Connell: Thank goodness it doesn’t in the quarterback’s ear. But it might be worse because (for the QB) it just goes silent. “Hey, you really need to know this — ”
[free-agent QB] Jimmy Garoppolo: It’s a lonely feeling.
O’Connell: It’s like, “What? WHAT DID I REALLY NEED TO KNOW?!”
However, the not-so-subtle undercurrent of a story like that is that there are multiple opportunities for an NFL quarterback to be stuck, 15 seconds before the snap, unsure of what to do. These headsets condition players to wholly rely on coaches to dictate what they’ll do out on the field, and how they’ll do it. This quote from Seahawks QB Sam Darnold is the one that really stuck with me (emphasis mine):
“On first down, if [the coach] doesn’t get the play call in, I’ll just call the play. That’s easy. But third down’s too important to call something on my own.”
That last bit makes sense if you’ve witnessed NFL football evolve in complexity over the past few decades. This is just how football works now, but it means that coaches—who already get too much credit—get to essentially use players like literal chess pieces more than metaphorical ones. I don’t want that. I want athletes to have minds of their own. I want them to play free. I want to see what this sport looks like when “out of structure” becomes the only structure.
Because right now, I’m seeing multiple players out there, QBs especially, hamstrung by mental overload. How many times have you heard that playing QB in the NFL is really fucking hard? Lord knows I’ve said it many times, because it’s inherently true. It will always be difficult to complete a pass 20 yards downfield with 300-pound men trying to kill you. But the systems in place right now make the job even harder. A QB has to know a playbook that’s thicker than a dictionary. They have to call two plays before every snap, read the defense at the line of scrimmage, change out of the first play call if they don’t like what they see, change out of the second play call if they see the defense adjust to that first audible, and then process everything that happens after the snap at lightning speed. Rather than making all of this easier, the advent of the headset radio has encouraged teams to burden players with even more responsibilities. Wanna know why your team just burned a timeout because the play clock was getting too close to zero? This is why. Every QB has to mentally stuff 10 pounds of shit into a one-pound bag, in a matter of seconds, on every down.
A quarterback calling their own plays used to be much more common. Jim Kelly did it. Peyton Manning did it. Aaron Rodgers has always done it, even when he hasn’t been granted permission to. But you shouldn’t have to be a Hall of Fame player, with a Hall of Fame ability, to process information, to do this shit. I gotta watch these games, you know. I don’t want football to be so hard that only, like, three guys can do it right in any given season. That makes for shitty viewing. Sam Darnold is a grown-ass man! He shouldn't need his daddy on the phone to call a pass to JSN on third down!
That's the basic principle here. I want players to just play. I want them as mentally unencumbered as possible out there, because it’s those players’ instincts that almost always make for the most memorable moments. I want the idea of “dumbed down” schemes destigmatized. I’m not asking for every NFL team to run a grand total of four plays all season long. I still want the game to challenge both the mind and the body. But I know overkill when I see it, usually because it comes with a penalty flag seconds later.
The Games
All games in the Jamboroo are evaluated for sheer watchability on a scale of 1 to 5 Throwgasms.
Five Throwgasms
Vikings at Lions: As the Vikings are the only unbeaten team left in the NFL presently, I get a free Homerism card to play, so lemme cash that in right now.
The Vikings have a new GM in Nolan Teasley, from Seattle, who didn’t take the job until after the draft and first stage of free agency had already happened. Given that Teasley keeps a steady poker face in every presser, no one outside of Eagan knows what he thinks about this team that he just inherited. Maybe he thinks these Vikings really can be a Super Bowl contender this season or, like most people, he sees the offense and thinks, “Oh this team is fucked.”
That’s why, ever since Teasley’s former team kicked off the trade party earlier this week by grabbing guard Quenton Nelson from the Colts, I’ve been in constant refresh mode waiting to see if Minnesota’s new GM will make some big-boy move (like grabbing Colts RB Jonathan Taylor, or even saying FUCK THIS SHIT with regards to Kyler Murray and bringing in a new QB to finish off the season), or if Teasley will stand pat and wait until the offseason to rework the roster as he sees fit. I hate being in constant refresh mode. Makes me feel helpless. Worst of all, I could be ambushed at any second by news that another team has traded for all of the players that I’ve been ogling. “What do you mean Chicago got Jeffery Simmons and not us? THIS IS AN OUTRAGE!” This is no way to live. I should probably take up rock climbing or something.
Bears at Seahawks: Related: Holy shit the Bears just got Jeffery Simmons. I am deeply afraid.
Four Throwgasms
Ravens at Bills: Lamar Jackson is back for this game! Supposedly! Will he tweak his ankle in practice today as a way of continuing a possible, secret hold-in he’s been staging against his own franchise? Only Lamar knows ... and maybe his mom/agent. Anyway, I say he wants out.
Chiefs at Broncos: If you’re gonna sign Justin Tucker to replace Harrison Butker, then just go ahead and bring Tyreek Hill back already. You know you wanna do it, Andy Reid. You also know that, behind that lovable old crank exterior, you’re a deeply evil man. So stop wasting my time and do the psychopath thing already.
Three Throwgasms
Panthers at Packers: Hey now, the Brewers are World Series champs! I told Bluesky this a few weeks ago, but I may as well reiterate it here: Despite my intense loathing for the Packers, I have nothing against any of the other Wisconsin teams. So you Brewers fans, you go right ahead and party your asses off. Do shots of melted Velveeta, make a snowman out of raw sausage links, kiss Bud Selig on the head for good luck … all of that crazy Wisconsin shit. You’ve earned it.
Two Throwgasms
Falcons at Bucs: Workshopping an opinion that the NFC South is actually a fun division, because every team in it is so entertainingly inconsistent. When this game ends 10-6, I’ll bin that take for good.
Patriots at Dolphins
One Throwgasm
Browns at Steelers: I don’t care if this game is for first place in the AFC North. One of these teams plays utterly joyless football, and the other deserves no joy of any kind. I’d rather watch an asshole-cam of your dad taking a dump.
Colts at Jaguars: Lemme ask you a question: who designed this shit?
Phony Negroni is one of the truly elite mocktails out on today’s market. Credit’s due. But this drink is also expensive and, much more relevant, comes in the most nonsensical packaging I’ve ever had to handle. I love me the conical glass bottle design; makes for a great flower vase after the fact. But it’s insulting to sell me a mere two-pack, and it’s even more insulting to lash two relatively heavy bottles to one another with a piece of flimsy-ass cardboard better suited for holding a couple of Yoplait containers together. Why not just name this drink BREAK ME, huh? It’s easier for me to carry two separate bottles than it is to negotiate this bizarre three-legged race you guys have designed. I’ll keep drinking your Phony Negronis, sirs, but you’re on notice from here on out. Sell a six-pack already.
Eagles at Commanders: Mississippi State QB Kamario Taylor is out for the season after getting toe surgery last week. Taylor won’t be eligible for the NFL draft until 2028, but you better believe that the tank-off for his services next season will even more heated than this season’s tank-off, especially since Arch Manning sucks now.
Titans at Bengals
Cardinals at Cowboys
Raiders at Jets
Chargers at Rams
This Week On All Ball
Deep into my conversation with Arif this week, I took a brief moment to get up on my soapbox to rant about this precious moment from Monday Night’s Eagles-Cowboys game:
Jerry Jones and Stephen A Smith in the booth together tonight…
— Steeler KJ (@kjsteelers72.bsky.social) 2026-10-27T00:47:48.852Z
As I told Arif, there’s no real way to deliver a nuanced criticism of Stephen A. Smith in 2026, because the faction of people who have always hated “Screamin’ A!” will just come stampeding into your replies. But there’s a much more in-depth story to his rise than just, “That guy’s annoying!” Stephen A. started off his career as the Peter Vecsey of Sixers reporting (I mean that as a compliment), then parlayed that into a doofy daytime talk show on ESPN where he and Skip Bayless took turns playing the heel, then parlayed that into becoming the four letter’s biggest star and, arguably, the most powerful black broadcaster in America. And all he’s done since amassing that power is publicly kiss up to the even more powerful shitbags above him, including Jerry Jones.
This is a fucking tragedy, man. Stephen A. can’t even get his day job right anymore, because he’s either spouting off about games that he clearly hasn’t watched, getting distracted tossing out Aaron Rodgers–grade reactionary takes so that people will ask him to run for President, or pretending to hate the Dallas Cowboys when that team’s owner is not so secretly his best buddy. This is the only alternative ESPN has given me to Pat McAfee? What a raw deal. Jimmy Pitaro deserves to rot in hell.
Pregame Song That Makes Me Wanna Run Through A Goddamn Brick Wall
“Killing In The Name,” live from an extremely cramped Zed Records shop back in 1992. From Robert:
I know we’ve all heard this song a million times. But as Tom Morrello continues to fight the good fight, can we give another occasional shout out to the greatest of brick-wall song of all time? Look at how hard this still rocks in a cramped record store in 1992. 1992!
Oh yeah, I can give this a shout out. The only time I saw a band live at a record store was the Shins at an NYC Tower Records back in the early 2000s. That was a fun set, but it wasn’t this. Look at how young all the members of Rage are in this clip. And listen to how big they can make this track sound despite playing it in the smallest possible room. The number of people who will lie and tell you they saw this performance in person is likely in the six figures. I know it’s a hackneyed bit for a Gen X white guy like me to love “Killing In The Name,” but it’s not my fault it happens to be a perfect song.
Get In Shape With Dr. Cam Skattebo, A.S.U.!
“Contrary to what many other doctors will tell you, lowering your helmet to initiate contact with a defender will actually reduce your risk of traumatic brain injury. You see, high-speed collisions stimulate the brain cells, causing them to reproduce at an accelerated rate. It’s kinda fuckin’ hot if I think about it for too long. My brain cells are fuckin’ like wild rabbits!”
Fire This Asshole!
Is there anything more exciting than a coach losing his job? All year long, we’ll keep track of which coaches will almost certainly get fired at year’s end or sooner. And now, your potential 2026 chopping block:
Jim Harbaugh*
Nick Sirianni*
Aaron Glenn*
Shane Steichen***************
Todd Bowles
Robert Saleh*
Dan Quinn*
Brian Scottenheimer
Matt LaFleur
Kellen Moore
DeMeco Ryans
(*potential midseason firing)
I have no choice but to add DeMeco Ryans to this list, given his bizarre unwillingness to mix up his defensive scheme, plus his terminal aversion to fielding a properly balanced offense. I know that Texans GM Nick Caserio is usually the one who (rightly) gets blamed for Houston’s ongoing failure to field a good offensive line, but Ryans is the dude who hires the offensive coaching staff and, presumably, co-signs on all of Caserio’s horrible personnel decisions. You gotta answer for that shit eventually, especially when the “at least he’s not Bill O’Brien” halo over your head has faded away.
Gameday Cookin’ Corner
I asked for pictures of your recipes in action, reader John delivers with a highly involved recipe for the French classic, boeuf bourguignon. Take it away, chef.
Voila, le boeuf bourguignon. The best food there is. You may need to go to an actual butcher to pull this off.
INGREDIENTS:
1.5 Kg Beef. You need good stew beef such as the jaw, thigh or the shoulder. Chuck is a rough equivalent. Must be 3-4 cm thick.
150g bacon. Not sure Oscar Meyer will work. Must be 1cm thick to cut into little blocks called lardons.
Butter
10-15 little yellow onions. 2-3 normal yellow onions quartered as a substitute.
2-3 carrots
1/2 liter beef stock.
3-4 tbsp flour.
1 bottle red wine. Some freaks think you need to use high end bourgogne. In reality, it will cook for 3-5 hours so you only really need semi-respectable red wine. Not too sweet or weird.
200g of mushrooms, sliced.
1 bouquet garni. This is just a ton of fresh thyme and fresh bay leaves tied in a bundle. Fresh thyme is a must but dry bay leaves are an acceptable substitute.
2-3 garlic cloves
DIRECTIONS
1. Cut the beef into large 3-4 cm cubes. Cut the carrots thick enough to survive 3-5 hours cooking. Peel garlic and onions and either crush or cut them as necessary.
2. In a large stew pot, cook the chunks of bacon with a little butter. Before they are crispy add the onions and later garlic and cook until the onions are transparent. Remove this mix from the pot and set aside.
3. Add a bit of butter and the beef to the pot and brown the exterior on a medium high heat. Add the carrots and cook for 5 minutes. Add the flour and mix with the beef and carrots.
4. Add the beef stock, onion/bacon mix. Pour red wine until the beef is very nearly covered. This should be most of the bottle. Add salt, pepper, bouquet garni and any stew ingredients your butcher is nice enough to throw in such as vertebrae. Bring to a boil then lower the heat, cover and cook easily for 3-4 hours or until the beef separates under medium pressure.
5. Toss the mushrooms then add this to the bourgignon while the mushrooms are still firm. Cook for another 30 minutes until the beef separates under gentle pressure. This is essential as the fat breaking down is the alchemical must for a truly great bourguignon. Remove the bouquet garni and any other weird stuff you threw in there for taste.
Serves 6. For big occasions, I tend to do the first 4 steps the night before then refrigerate and do the fifth the following morning after skimming the congealed fat. Serve with boiled potatoes or, if you are feeling très gourmand, a gratin dauphinois. And of course several bottles of bourgogne pinot noir.
Bon appétit!
Oh fuck yeah, that’s the stuff.
Gametime Cheap Beer Of The Week
Silver Key Light! De Puerto Rico! From Tim:
Found this beauty in Puerto Rico during a spring trip for a friendly $1 a can. Not sure what the silver key unlocks, but it certainly wasn't flavor. It was a passable beverage while I was enjoying the waves and washing down some mofongo, though. Puerto Rico is beautiful and, like seemingly everything else America touches, deserves better.
I have been to Puerto Rico and Tim is right about it being a tragically abused stretch of paradise. The existence of Silver Key beer now leads me to believe that somewhere, tucked away on that isle, is a single can of Golden Key beer that keeps whoever drinks it young forever. I shall find this beer, no matter the cost.
Gameday Movie Of The Week For Chargers Fans
Bradley Cooper’s A Star Is Born, which I ignored when it was first released because I didn’t feel the need to watch an umpteenth remake of a story that didn’t really interest me anyway. But I was a stuck on a plane a year or so ago and decided to knock it out while I had the free time.
Good move. Apart from the fact that I had a hard time separating Lady Gaga’s character Ally from Lady Gaga herself anytime she let the pipes loose, this is a really good movie. The performances are excellent, Cooper’s portrayal of his own character’s alcoholism is accurate without feeling like an after-school special, and the music itself is great. Best of all, I got to see Andrew Dice Clay turn in yet another excellent supporting performance. I grew up worshipping Dice the standup comic (I have regrets), so I’m always thrilled to see him pop up in movies like this one and Blue Jasmine, where he can show off the unsung acting chops that made him such a successful comedian to begin with. A Star Is Born is the kind of movie that lingers in my memory, even though I’ll definitely never watch it again. Four stars.
Gratuitous Simpsons Quote
“Hi, I'm Troy McClure. You might remember me from such public service videos as Designated Drivers: The Lifesaving Nerds and Phony Tornado Alarms Reduce Readiness. I'm here today to give you the skinny on shoplifting, thereby completing my plea bargain with the good people at Foot Locker of Beverly Hills.”
Enjoy the games, everyone.
