Enhanced Replay Is The Future

Drew Magary’s Thursday Afternoon NFL Dick Joke Jamboroo runs every Thursday at Defector during the NFL season. Got something you wanna contribute? Email the Roo. You can also read Drew over at SFGATE, and buy Drew’s books while you’re at it.

Talk to any college football fan, and they’re unlikely to volunteer praise for their sport’s referees. You’ve seen how many times NFL refs miss an obvious foul, call a ticky-tack holding penalty that took place 50 miles away from the ball, or overturn a sick catch because they noticed the ball quiver slightly after a wideout hit the ground. Imagine how inept college officials must be by comparison. Conferences would probably be better off asking parents to do the job.

That said, there is one area where college football has an edge over The Shield on field governance, and here it is:

That’s a fairly standard replay review of a would-be touchdown catch by Clemson in a 2025 game against Georgia Tech. This call was overturned upon review, but that’s not what makes the above video illustrative. It’s that you, the audience, get to listen in on the conversation between the on-field official and the ACC command center in Charlotte. This process has been branded as enhanced replay, and to overstate things, it fucking rocks. I wish that the audio feed was a little juicier, with the control center telling the ref, “That’s not a fucking catch, who are you kidding, Jim?” (In my mind, the ref is named Jim.) The interaction between all parties is stiff and formal, and yet it feels like a treat that I get to listen in on it.

Unenhanced replay leaves fans guessing as to what the fuck is going on back there. What’s taking these guys so long? Are they looking at the same angles I’m looking at, or do they have some sort of powerful infrared camera at their disposal? Are they conspiring to fuck my team over? Are they even talking about the play in question at all, or just debating their favorite pizza toppings? We don’t know. This is not only insulting, but it makes it appear as if leagues have something to hide. And what do Americans do when faced with an information vacuum? That’s right: They fill that void with stupidest possible conspiracy theory that they can think of. When the ref gets back on the mic to declare the final verdict, they cook up even stupider explanations as to how and why they still managed to fuck it up. “Dez caught the ball! DEM REFS ARE JUST TOO WOKE TO SEE IT!”

I strongly suspect that the NFL's referee/booth exchanges as just as banal as the college one I posted up above. I also suspect—nay, I know—that fans like me want to hear them. We want to know the why behind every call. It won’t prevent those same fans from feeling wronged after the fact. A player on my team could literally decapitate an opponent after the whistle, and I’d complain about it drawing a flag. But the more you let the audience in on how the game operates, the closer they feel to the sport. That’s why NFL telecasts are routinely littered with mic’d-up segments of Cam Skattebo screaming “LET’S FUCKING GO!!!” to his offensive linemen. These are ephemeral moments in a football game, but they deepen the relationship between audience and participant all the same.

College football gets this. Not long ago, it was only the ACC offering enhanced replay, and they only used it sporadically. But after that same conference announced that they were expanding enhanced replay across their 2026 schedule, the Big Ten announced that they would be doing likewise. The SEC doesn’t use enhanced replay at all, but that’ll change soon enough if that conference’s crews continue fucking up important calls (which they will). When the College Football Playoff expands to 24 teams next season, it’s a fair bet that every nationally broadcast Power Four game will be using enhanced replay.

Imagine how antiquated the NFL’s current replay system will seem by comparison when that happens. You tune into some random matchup between Illinois and Purdue and get regular peeks behind the curtain, and then the next day you have to spend a full review period listening to Jonathan Vilma attempt to interpret a slow-motion replay like it’s fucking ancient Sanskrit. The difference will be stark. In fact, it already is. So get on enhanced replay now, Roger Goodell. You have far more evil acts to cover up.

The Games

All games in the Jamboroo are evaluated for sheer watchability on a scale of 1 to 5 Throwgasms.

Five Throwgasms

Steelers at Bengals: As I am a cranky old man, I keep a mental list of young people terms that irritate me: “Banger,” “This whips,” “LOL” at the end of every sentence, etc. Also on this list is “cope,” especially its horrible variant “copium.” Horrible word. Can’t stand it. But what better word can I use to describe the shitbag industrial complex’s attempts to reckon with last week’s election results?

This is merely one example. I can go to the front page of The New York Times or Washington Post every day and find a near endless supply of pathetic attempts to keep both sides-ism aloft. Like here:

And here:

And here:

And this dingbat:

Did The New York Times describe new White House Chief of Staff Stephen Miller, the Trump administration's answer to Heinrich Himmler, as a “fiery hard-liner” in their headline breaking the news? You know they did. Oh, and let’s check in on the establishment press’ attempts to retroactively credit the bluenami to our most tired used car salesmen:

You can feel the panic emanating through your monitor, can’t you? All of these people have profited handsomely off the miseries of the past 10 years. Now they’re all like, “Well actually, you should still listen to what we have to say!” Nah. I don’t think so. You no-talent losers have had your fun, but now it’s your turn to scream into the void for years on end. Your copium brings me more amusement than dread. If universal healthcare passes, I hope legislators write a carve-out that exempts all of you fuckers from it. That’s my little bit of means testing. Now go drown in a toilet.

RELATED: Aaron Rodgers is playing in this game.

Four Throwgasms

Patriots at Lions (Munich): I was summoned for jury duty on Monday. I wasn’t called, but I want to make it clear that I didn’t try any Larry David-style shenanigans to get out of serving. I didn’t tell the clerk I actually think murder should be legalized, or that I have a deep-seated prejudice against gingers, or that I was born without a tongue. I didn’t even have a chance to weasel out of that shit. I just sat in the waiting room for four hours until they told me that my numbered group wouldn’t be needed. I spent those hours staring at all of the old issues of People magazine lining the complimentary magazine rack. Did you know that Shania Twain is BACK, and that she feels more confident than she ever has? True story.

Three Throwgasms

Texans at Browns: Deshaun Watson is back for this one. EXCITING! I hope C.J. Stroud throws for 500 yards.

Panthers at Saints

Chiefs at Falcons

Two Throwgasms

Commanders at Giants: Pro tip: Never hit the SKIP RECAP button before you watch a show. Those recaps don’t always merely summarize the last episode, the one you just watched. A lot of times, they sprinkle in bits from episodes that go way back … shit that'll prove relevant to the episode you’re about to watch. Thank you for listening.

Seahawks at Raiders

49ers at Cowboys

Rams at Cardinals

One Throwgasm

Vikings at Packers: Even with Kirk Cousins fresh in tow, I still don’t trust Minnesota’s offense to be even remotely watchable. You saw that Monday night game. That’s been the Vikings’ offense for the past year and a half now. It’s been excruciating to watch, and I’d be acting in bad faith if I tried to convince you that the addition of Kirk will make the Vikings a more compelling watch for you, the neutral observer. Just last week, Cousins fumbled the ball and threw a pick all in the same play. Jordan Love, he is not.

The Packers are a fun watch, though, hucking it deep on every other down and all that. I understand if you’d like to tune in for that part. As for me, I’ll be busy throwing up into the sink when Green Bay is up by 20 at the end of the third quarter.

Dolphins at Colts: Between Quinn Ewers starting games last year and Kyle McCord starting this week, the Dolphins are hellbent on giving playing time to all of college football’s biggest NIL busts. Can’t believe D.J. Uiagalelei isn’t already on their roster.

As for the Colts, well this is awkward:

Perhaps Jonathan Taylor was saying goodbye to Indianapolis out of hope and not because he assumed it was inevitable. The poor bastard.

Chargers at Ravens: I started watching Jeopardy for the first time in many years, and I swear it’s way fucking harder now. I’m not any stupider than I was in my 40s, but I used to bat well above .500 when shouting out the answers from my recliner. Stop making me feel dumb, Kenny Jennings. It ain’t right.

Jaguars at Titans

Bills at Jets

This Week On All Ball

To take you behind the game, Arif Hasan and I recorded this week’s episode later than usual to accommodate for the NFL trade deadline, and boy we were rewarded for it! If we’d started at our usual time, we wouldn’t have been able to talk about Kirk Cousins, America’s most exciting QB, getting traded to the Vikings, who field the NFL’s most exciting offense! So if you enjoy hearing two utterly exhausted, defeated men wearily accept their fates, hit that PLAY button fast as you can!

Pregame Song That Makes Me Wanna Run Through A Goddamn Brick Wall

“Money & The Drugs,” by Party Dozen! Wait a second, you’re telling me that there’s such a thing as heavy metal saxophone music?! Reader Milos is here to tell you that there is!

From Australia! Hardest sax I ever heard. I like that the singer uses the saxophone mic for singing.

That’s just effective multitasking on her part.

And Now Let’s Go Down To The Sidelines To Check In With Michele Tafoya

“Drew, I just got off the phone with Chiefs kicker Harrison Butker. I asked him if his confidence has been shaken in light of his recent struggles, and he told me, ‘Not in the least.’ In fact, Butker told me he recently ordered his wife to scrub the toilets twice a day instead of just once, and that it’s a made a huge difference in his relationship with both God and his right leg. ‘The more faith I have in the Lord,’ Butker said, ‘The more faith I have in myself.’

“His wife Isabelle agreed, telling me, ‘Every time Harry orders me to do something, I just ignore it and then later tell him that I did it anyway. That makes him all smug and happy, and then he kicks the ball harder or whatever.’ When I asked Isabelle if it was acceptable for a woman to lie to her husband in such a cavalier manner, she said, ‘What is this, 1806? My husband is an idiot, Michelle. He wouldn’t notice a bathroom was still dirty if I took a dump right on the toilet seat. Why don’t you go talk to a good Chiefs player instead of that lazy prick?’ Drew, I’ll get back to you when I’ve heard from Chris Jones about the situation.”

Thank you, Michele.

Fire This Asshole!

Is there anything more exciting than a coach losing his job? All year long, we’ll keep track of which coaches will almost certainly get fired at year’s end or sooner. And now, your potential 2026 chopping block:

Jim Harbaugh*

Nick Sirianni*

Aaron Glenn*

Shane Steichen***************

Todd Bowles

Robert Saleh

Dan Quinn*

Brian Schottenheimer*

Kevin O’Connell

Dave Canales

Jesse Minter

(*potential midseason firing)

Jesse Minter is only in his first season, and the Ravens are known as a model of continuity across the league. But has this guy shown anyone anything to suggest he’s the right person to guide Baltimore through a partial rebuild? All I see at the podium right now is a stammering muppet. The Ravens beat has also noticed:

Gameday Cookin’ Corner

Reader Leo sends in this recipe for something called Fool’s Gold loaf, which doesn’t sound foolish in the slightest.

Lemme tell ya, I just saw a Raiders fan dressed as Elvis on TV; that done set my soul on fire. All the Vegas teams should have an Elvis fan if they don't already, bubba. Puts me in the mood to share a recipe for one of The King's favorite sammiches; the Fool's Gold loaf. Great little ditty about it in Garden & Gun magazine I recommend reading, hunny. 

Fool's Gold loaf is bacon, peanut butter, and blueberry jelly in a butter toasted French baguette, born outta Colorado. One pound of bacon in a foot-long loaf of bread with a whole jar each of PB&J is what The King would have, but let's bring that down a bit for us common folk.

Fool's Gold Loaf (for 2-4 people with average appetites) 

INGREDIENTS

Six-inch baguette (or a bread of similar type) 

Some softened butter (not too much, or at all, really. You can toast the bread without it, but then you wouldn't be TCB*) 

1/2 Pound (or slightly more) of good, thick cut bacon 

Most of a jar of your favorite peanut butter 

Most of a jar of your favorite jam/jelly (blueberry was used in the original recipe, but I've used various grape and strawberry jams and the dish has come out consistently good. I would avoid going too out of the box here; The King loves his marmalade, but not in this sammich)

Gonna need to cook that bacon first, baby. Line a large sheet tray with foil and lay your bacon on it; mind to not overcrowd the tray or stack the bacon onto itself. Heat your oven to 400⁰ and throw that tray in there immediately; forget preheating for now. Leave that tray in there for around 10min depending on your oven, but check it often! Shouldn't take more than 20min to get your bacon down to your desired crispiness. Crispy level is Chef's (that's you!) choice, so keep an eye on that pork.

Meanwhile, you can smear that loaf of bread lightly in butter all over, then toss it in the oven on a sheet of foil once the oven starts to get hot. Toast it until light golden brown, then take it out onto a cutting board. Cut the loaf lengthwise hoagie style once its cool enough to touch, then smear a lot of that PB&J on both sides; as much as desired, but a lot is what The King would've wanted. 

Once the bacon is cooked as desired, remove from the oven and drain the fat from the tray (hopefully into a glass jar to save for later use), then lay the bacon onto a plate lined with paper towels. Dab it a bit further on top with paper towels, then line onto that loaf in a shingle-like fashion; making sure there's an even amount of bacon all along the length of the bread. Close that baby up, cut into smaller portions to share. Or just eat it whole; I, nor The King, would judge!

(Please note: the following email was written while also doing an Elvis impression. Audio proof available upon request) 

Needless to say, I requested the audio. I was not disappointed.

Gametime Cheap Beer Of The Week

Chang! From Thailand by way of Australia! Reader Greg fills us in:

I went to Australia for vacation and in a Thai restaurant they sold Chang beer, former sponsor of Everton. It comes in a green bottle, which does nothing to block the rays of the tropical sun, so of course it was a skunky as old Heineken. But it was cold and cheap, maybe $4 Australian, and since everything is upside down there I think they may have ended up paying ME a few dollars to drink it. Did the trick for a spicy curry.

Oooh yeah, I love good shitty beer with my curry. While we’re at it, let’s get that heavy metal saxophonist over to the table for a little dinnertime serenade. Now that’s what I call a bulletproof date night!

Gameday Movie Of The Week For Chargers Fans

Steven Soderbergh’s The Christophers, which feels designed specifically to get Ian McKellen a Best Actor nomination. That’s not a dig; McKellen is fucking awesome in this, as is his co-lead, Michaela Coel. And props to Soderbergh for casting James Corden as McKellen’s petty shitbag of a kid. It’s the role Corden was tailormade for. As with all Soderbergh films, this one is tightly constructed, gorgeously shot, and elegant in tone. But it also has big ideas about authorship, collaboration, and who truly owns a work of art once it’s finished. I didn’t even need a character to pull a gun to be riveted. Four stars. One of Soderbergh’s best movies of the past few years.

Gratuitous Simpsons Quote

“Gosh, I'm sorry! I meant to tell you. Turns out Krusty is one of the biggest tax cheats in history. And they nailed him, all thanks to you! Some might say you're a hero, kid! Not me, however. I love Krusty.”

Enjoy the games, everyone.