Time for your weekly edition of the Defector Funbag. Got something on your mind? Email the Funbag. You can also read Drew over at SFGATE, and buy Drew’s books while you’re at it. Today, we're talking hating your boss, Raising Cane’s, paper wallets, and more.
Your letters:
Will:
What is a band (or two) you'd be excited to see portrayed in a biopic? Which actor(s) would you have play the lead?
None of them. The musical biopic is a dead genre and has been ever since artists and/or their estates realized how lucrative a sanitized life story of Michael Jackson/Freddie Mercury/Bob Dylan could be. None of these artists, not even the pridefully obtuse Dylan, will ever license their music to an unauthorized biopic. You can get the warts-and-all story, or you can get the tunes, but you can’t get both. Guess which option makes the artist—not to mention the studios—more money?
That’s how you end up with Michael, which is essentially propaganda for a credibly accused child sex offender, grossing a bazillion dollars. They were never gonna let, like, Todd Haynes make that movie. They were always gonna turn the life story of Jackson—one of the most supremely fucking weird assholes to ever exist—into an anodyne jukebox musical made by mercenary filmmaking talents. It’s not a coincidence then that the best musical biopic of the past few years was the Coen brothers' Inside Llewyn Davis, because it’s the story of an entirely fictional person. Also, the basic logline of Davis, “What if Bob Dylan never amounted to anything?” is a far more appealing one than simply filming a bunch of stories about the real Dylan that people already know.
Fuck a duck, we can’t even get a proper musical documentary anymore. Ezra Edelman, the brilliant director who gave us O.J.: Made In America, finished a definitive documentary on Prince that included previously unseen footage and stories Edelman had unearthed after being granted access to all of the material in the Purple One’s fabled archival vault. But when Prince’s estate found out that the doc included stories of Prince being truly awful to other people, especially his then-wife Mayte Garcia, they told Edelman, Actually no, you’re not allowed to let people watch this. And just like that … POOF! Movie gone. That’s just how craven the whole process has become. You can never depict a music legend as deeply flawed. You can only make them boilerplate superheroes, which renders the accompanying soundtrack devoid of the very humanity that made their songs possible to begin with.
I’m still on a tear reading books about old bands, and I’ve read them all knowing that none of them will be properly adapted to the screen. In fact, I just finished Hammer of the Gods, Stephen Davis's notorious (and unauthorized) chronicle of Led Zeppelin’s rise and dissolution. Guitarist Jimmy Page had a 14-year-old girlfriend he kept locked in a room so that no one would know he had a 14-year-old girlfriend. Drummer John Bonham randomly attacked women and attempted to rape them, including a Life magazine journalist assigned to cover his band. The band’s tour manager, Richard Cole, stuffed a red snapper inside a woman. And the entire band enjoyed having sex with groupies while emptying cans of beans onto them during the act (what is it with the English and beans?). You could make a compelling film out of this material, so long as you don’t show me ALL of the gory details. But whenever Robert Plant and Page decide to greenlight Swan Song, starring Jacob Elordi, it’ll be about as harmless as The Full Monty.
So I don’t want any of my musical heroes getting the biopic treatment. Not Bob Mould, not Metallica, not Layne Staley … none of them. I don’t need one anyway. After all, I’ve still got the music, and that’s more than enough.
Ryan:
Is Raising Canes an industry plant? Is it not just plain-ass chicken tenders? How does a guy end up as a shark on Shark Tank from selling chicken fingers? What am I missing?
I’ve never had Raising Cane’s, but I know people who swear by it. Is it better than Popeye’s, Bonchon, or any other top-tier fried chicken emporium? Probably not, but any fried chicken is better than no fried chicken at all. If I’m on the road and I see FRIED CHICKEN when I’m scanning the horizon for lunch options, I’m already 80 percent sold. Only way I keep on driving is if it’s a KFC.
Hence, the issue with Ryan’s question is that assumes that the success of Raising Cane’s is due to the quality of its product. This is 2026 America, Ryan. Companies here don’t make money by making shit that’s GOOD. They do it by selling the cheapest possible goods to the widest possible demographic. And what does Raising Cane’s sell? From what I can see, it sells chicken tenders, fries, lemonade, and sweet tea. Those represent the four main food groups of your average suburban child, and they don’t cost a relative ton in overhead to make. So of course these guys sell value boxes by the ton. It’s not because they’re wizards with the deep fryer. Fuck me, now I could really go for some fried chicken.
Tori:
In the most recent Funbag, you named the Wizards as the most outdated team name (non-racist division). Fair enough! Please allow me to contribute my own petty opinion on this issue, which is that the Wizards will be cursed to languish in NBA oblivion until they do the morally correct thing and return the team to Baltimore: a town that yearns for a professional basketball team. Indeed, the Wizards moniker is ultimately all the better suited to the team's former home, famously known as CHARM CITY. Need I say more? I will also accept a WNBA team called the Baltimore Charm, which is such a WNBA team name that it's frankly shocking it doesn't already exist.
All good points. Shit, owner Ten Leonsis already tried moving the Wizards to Northern Virginia before lawmakers there laughed in his tiny stupid face, so I have no problem with that team leaving the DC area altogether. Leonsis has done such a horrible job owning the Wizards that no one here would even notice they’d left. I’ve lived here for over 20 years and the funnest/best Wizards teams in that time were during the reign of Agent Zero. And those Gilbert Arenas teams never won a fucking thing! They’d get to the playoffs, and then LeBron would shitcan them in five games or less in the early rounds. The Commanders have had greater triumphs in that same timespan, that’s how dire the Wizards have been.
So yeah, please give them a fresh start, with a new city, a new owner, and new nickname. Tori is right in that “Wizards” fits Baltimore better than it ever fit D.C., but it’s still a fucking joke of a name. You guys would hate it. Better to change everything; it’s the only way to get the stink off.
Jim:
Is Ben Roethlisberger a first ballot Hall of Famer? Stats argue yes. Rapes argue no. He's eligible next year. Thoughts?
You can tell we’re in the deadest spot of the NFL calendar, can’t you? Anyway, Big Ben should be a Hall of Famer. His statline justifies it, and the HOF famously has no character clause to keep out the murderers, sex offenders, PED users, and players who wouldn’t give Tony Kornheiser decent copy to work with.
Now, will Captain Greypenis be a first-ballot Hall of Famer? I doubt it. That’s not because I think that piece of shit is undeserving on the merits, but because the Hall of Fame’s new voting rules are, as detailed here by Mike Tanier, are so overly restrictive. And stupid! If you think that the NBA tied its dick in a knot in its attempt to end tanking, get a load of this dogshit:
Starting this year, however the ten candidates will be narrowed to seven by a second ballot. Then selectors will pick five players from that group of seven. But there’s a major catch: a player must appear on 80% of those final ballots to reach the Hall of Fame.
“I think it’s inevitable that we’ll get three or four-man classes over the next couple of years,” one selector explained. “And that’s just going to make it harder on everybody.”
Here is where I note that the basketball Hall of Fame lets in everyone. Even Billy Donovan is in that Hall of Fame, man. And you know what? GOOD! That’s the way it oughta be. The second you have voters who are like, “mew mew mew it’s not the Hall of Very Good mew mew mew,” you’re already on your way to boarding up the front door entirely. The Baseball Writers Of America Association has spent this century teaching all of us that such exclusivity is self-defeating, not to mention boring as all fuck. Hence, the folks in Canton should know better. Let ‘em all in, even Ben Roethlisberger, king of the morons.
HALFTIME!
Alex:
Fairly recently in life, I was STUNNED to learn the University of Florida was a well-respected academic institution. I'm not from the south, so I assumed based on their goofy ass mascot, football team, and general Florida-ness, that they were a clown college. Then I found out they're a TOP 30 SCHOOL IN THE US!! Has this ever happened to you for UF, or any other famous college?
No no, you’re thinking of Florida State. That’s the clown college down there. Of course, you and I don’t really know if Florida (which has a kick-ass mascot, Alex!) is still well-respected given that state governor Ron DeSantis has consistently attempted to make it a much stupider place. That said, I’ve always known it to be in the top 15ish of the state U rankings. I never considered it up there with UNC, UVA, Berkeley, or even Texas, but I’ve long known that it’s a real school that studies real things.
My problem is that my perception of America’s colleges remains largely frozen in 1994, when I was an applicant. If I wanted to, I could probably still recite the U.S. News Top 25 schools from that year from memory. Those rankings mean nothing, but they have changed a bit in the ensuing decades. It was only when my own kids started touring schools that I grasped any of those changes. Did you know that UCLA is harder to get into than Berkeley now? I didn’t. People, especially Lori Loughlin, also think highly of USC now too, and not for football reasons! AMAZING! I also didn’t know that my alma mater, Colby College, has grown so rich and exclusive that NO ONE gets in there anymore. It’s like the baseball Hall of Fame of liberal arts colleges situated near the Arctic Circle. Also, the Big Ten and SEC have so aggressively branded themselves on a national level that I personally know many kids who chose one of those schools over, like, an Ivy. That’s probably because the average tuition at an Ivy is now right at six figures, but still … fucking wild, man!
While we’re on the subject of Florida, I really never want to hear DeSantis’s name invoked ever again. He’s a horrid governor and was an even worse presidential candidate. And yet, that piece of shit is still around! Trump might even try to get him on the Supreme Court! After everything you and I have been through with these people, we STILL gotta hear about Ron fucking DeSantis? It ain’t right. At least Sarah Palin had the courtesy to fuck off. Fate should do likewise with Governor Weird Boots. It’s the least we deserve. Christ, what a useless little prick … with the boorish manners of a Yalie!
Sean:
You said last week that AI Sportsbot would never be a thing because we need the human element. But what about AI robot FIGHTS? I’m talking like ten-foot-tall battle bots on steroids. Built and programmed by humans and then free to go head-to-head with no human interference? Gimme some San Fran contacts for seed money.
You mean Real Steel? Because what you’re describing is the failed 2011 Hugh Jackman film. No one watched that movie, and no one would watch Battlebots, But Taller. Fights are only interesting when the combatants feel pain, and robots do not feel pain because they are so big and strong.
Now, if some enterprising tech bro was able to make Cyberball a reality, then we’d be onto something. At the very least, I’d prefer it if the NFL football was like Cyberball in that the ball explodes if you don’t convert a first down. That’ll teach you to hang back in the pocket for hours on end, Big Ben! YOU GO KABLOOEY NOW!
Nick:
Our class was in a locked room and the professor had a swipe access. So he goes to get his ID and pulls out his “wallet” which was what looked to be one of those absurdly long CVS receipts wrapped around his various items. Where do you think that ranks relative to a plastic bag wallet? Are there other insane wallets you’ve come across or could think of?
Was there a rubber band around the receipt wallet? That’s important.
I’m just kidding. Using a CVS receipt for a wallet is the stupidest shit I’ve ever heard of. A certain Defector staffer is notorious for using a Ziploc bag as a wallet, which horrifies the rest of us, and yet when I presented this question to the staff, we all agreed that using literal garbage to store your money/ID/credit card is far more deranged.
Chris:
Our wonderful neighbors gave us a breakfast themed gift basket for Christmas with some Vermont maple syrup and fancy pancake mix. I went to go make the pancakes and step one is to beat one or two egg whites to stiff peaks. This is some bullshit right?! It would be like Ghirardelli making me temper chocolate to make their brownie mix.
Does Ghirardelli not do that? A bit disappointing, really. Anyway, this is what makes the fancy pancake mix fancy. If it was the standard “just add water!” complete mix, they wouldn’t be able to differentiate themselves from Hungry Jack and then mark up their own mix by 500 percent. You see? There’s both an art AND a science to this hotcake business.
I have no doubt that beating the egg whites beforehand makes for a fluffier end product, by the way. However, as a longtime cook, I can promise you that if you just add in the eggs normally, your prestige flapjacks will still turn out fine. They won’t turn green or anything like that.
Anonymous:
Recently, I've taken a job supporting a government agency. Working for this government in any capacity at all feels like a massive violation of my personal ethics and principles, but a man's gotta eat. I know that there's no ethical consumption under capitalism and all that, but something about supporting the particular agency I'm about to support, especially in these times, and ESPECIALLY under the "leadership" of this particular administration feels... well, it doesn't feel good. It will amount to the highest salary I've ever earned, and the most prominent role I've ever held. I guess I just feel like a complete sell-out, and I don't know what to do with that feeling. But my current position might not exist by the end of October, so I feel like I'm doing what I have to do to make it in this economy. How okay should someone feel with compromising their personal principles to make a decent life for themselves?
[Han Solo voice] Well that’s the real trick, isn’t it? And it’s gonna cost you something extra. The American economy is set up so that people HAVE to compromise their principles if they want to earn a healthy living. The same dilemma holds true now for public servants under the Trump administration, which essentially operates as an organized crime ring. I’m never gonna ding a working schlub for getting their money wherever they can get it. Life in this joke of a country is expensive, so I sympathize with the plight of our anonymous reader up above—I live in D.C., so I know plenty of people who work in this government and hate having to do so—while also being quite angry at the awful powerbrokers who have essentially forced them into this predicament.
There is one way to alleviate your angst if you, the reader, are trapped in similar circumstances, and it’s a time-honored one: Hate your boss. Just hate the ever-loving shit out of them. You can be buds with your immediate supervisor, because they’re probably just as compromised as you are. But the big boss? FUCK THAT PIECE OF SHIT, and any kiss-ass who rides with them. That burning, ceaseless hatred is what separates you from the Pete Hegseths of the world, so hold onto it. Nourish it. Make a voodoo doll of your boss and then cut it in half with a bandsaw. Affix their photo to a dartboard and then shoot holes in that dartboard with a handgun. And if anyone asks you about how work is going, tell them, “It’s fine, but my boss deserves to rot in hell and then be sent to an even worse hell.” Carry a sign to local protests that just says ABAB, and then explain what it stands for. This is the most powerful form of virtue signaling that we have as a people. Now excuse while I go and hide a dead fish under John Roberts’s mattress.
Shane:
What are your feelings about one-word-at-a-time captions for videos? The blanket statement is that it's for the kids, but they seem to be everywhere, even for lower back pain vids. There can be too much visual stimuli for my eyes in vids like this.
I secretly enjoy captioned videos because it means I don’t have to unmute my phone to listen to whoever is screeching into the camera on the other side of the Gorilla glass. But I only linger on videos like that for maybe 50 seconds out of my day. I can’t imagine taking in hours of them, the way my wife and kids do when they’re on Reels. That shit will make you blind by age 30.
And braindead, too. I remember some tech grifter posting about how the one-word-at-a-time reading method can help people read entire books at lightning speed. But books aren’t a fucking race. No one is gonna give you a door prize just because you finished Moby-Dick in two days. I want time to breathe when I read. I want to see entire paragraphs, re-read passages I either loved or simply didn’t get the first time around, and pause between passages to think about what I’ve just absorbed. I want to interact with a book, not just conquer it.
The same goes for visual content. If you don’t give yourself any time to think about what you’re absorbing, even if it’s some asshole TikTok video, you’re not giving yourself any time to process it. You’re just an empty hole someone else is stuffing captions into. That makes such one-word-at-a-time vids awful and shitty. Avoid them. Read Defector instead.
Email of the week!
John:
I had a dream last night that I was one of the Defector readers who got to be on the podcast to answer Funbag questions. On this pod, during an ad-read, Drew mentioned that Defector was starting a marketing partnership with 90s Reds' legend Eric Davis. Being a lifelong Reds fan and a good podcast guest, I had the great idea to vamp a little about classic 90s posters, specifically the Eric Davis one. I told you guys to Google search for an image of it using stuff like, "Vintage Eric Davis poster.” I was certain that you would be impressed and that I would become a recurring guest as a result. BUT no one could find it! We tried, without success for like three minutes. You guys probably thought I was a liar, and I felt very ashamed for not being a good podcast guest.
Anyway, just so you know that I'm not crazy, here is a pic of the sweet Eric Davis poster. Please talk about how cool it is and/or how cool these old posters are. My personal notes on this poster are how fun it is that the bullets are baseballs, and that he's wearing cleats and stirrups with his nice suit.
John, consider me deeply impressed.
