A week ago, we explained in scabrous detail the multiplicity of shortcomings of the American League by focusing on the Central division and blaming it at least indirectly on the Pope's inability to close. But like most short-term trend stories in baseball, it quickly proved to be in error. Defector regrets not just the misidentification but also hiring the nitwit who made the observation. Steps, we assure you, will be taken.
In fact, it is not the AL Central that was dragging down the class but the AL West, where mediocrity is a possibly unreachable goal rather than a curse and some aggressively mediocre team will win the division. Having committed to this bit so deep into the season, the winner of the division will do well to avoid finishing below .500; there is nothing to do but embrace the AL West of it all.
A week ago, when we mocked the AL Central, we failed to take into account Cleveland's upcoming series with West Sacramento, which of course the Guardians swept because that's what a baseball team does when the A's come to town. (If you have to go to them, you just win two out of three and feel like you let a golden opportunity pass.) The Guards now lead the division with a gaudy 82-76 record and cannot finish below .500, a familiar late-season push that has elevated them to bland and dull rather than charmingly embarrassing. A suiting division champ, in other words.
For the really embarrassing stuff, we must move our sights southward and westward for the enduring shame slide of the year, and maybe the century. With four games left, the Rangers and Astros are tied atop the AL West at 78-80, which means one of them has to sweep the rest of their season to avoid being the first team ever to win a division without winning more games than they lost. At the risk of looking ridiculous twice in a fortnight, we don't think either can do that. At the risk of editorializing, we actively want them not to.
There is a preferred outcome here, and it does not involve either the Rangers or Astros but the Seattle Mariners, who have managed to avoid being eliminated from playoff contention despite a 74-84 record. In other words, we are all Mariners fans now by default, even though they are as fundamentally unwatchable as any other team that's 10 games below .500. What we are suggesting now is that you watch them anyway, because they really could still win this thing and also as a warning to everyone else in the village of what happens when you let your fortunes be guided by someone known as The Dumper.
If we study this division with a narrow focus, the greater share of the blame goes to Houston, whose general mehitude has caused them to lose eight of their last 11 and give back the division lead. But that's far too granular. The Astros are 78-80 on overall merit and also tied for first, and this is everything you need to know. They are not an outlier but indicative of the entire division, whose collective winning percentage (.446) would make them the sixth worst team in baseball. They are, taken en masse, the Kansas City Royals of Washington Nationals.
But now comes the fun part: the remaining schedules. These are the most appalling matchups in a season full of them, thus making the (hopefully) inevitable failure of all involved the most delightful. The Astros finish with the A's in West Sac; the Mariners host the utterly leprous Angels, both in four-game series that under normal circumstances would be three Triple-A games followed by a getaway special in which both teams would play with uncommon hustle in an attempt to bring it home in under two hours.
And the Rangers? They finish with the Mets and Twins, which is almost like finishing with the A's and Angels. The downside is that nobody here is worthy of your attention, and that they are all going to spend the rest of the season playing teams even worse than them. But that is the very reason attention must be paid. That, somehow, is the glorious upside.
Under normal circumstances, schedule stories are among the least interesting genre in all of sports, because they assume past performance is indicative of future developments. But in these cases, we feel safe in calling our shot that this will end in a hail of slapstick. Everyone involved is not only who they are but damned devoted to it. While it is conceivable that either the Rangers or Astros could sweep their extended weekend series and ruin it for everyone, they didn't get to this place in the season by "winning a bunch of games in a row." The Astros did win 11 of 12 after the All-Star Break, but that may as well have been during the Taft administration for all the good it is doing them now. They lost to the Mariners in 10 innings Wednesday night, which allowed them to keep pace with the Rangers, who lost 7-2 to the Mets.
And for you prudes who think that the playoff format is flawed if such a worst-case scenario comes to fulfillment and so should be changed to prevent such a thing ever happening again, remember that the people in charge of changing that format are the same people who want to kill the 2027 season entirely, more or less out of blind spite. They are the people who hold the American economy in their hands, the people who are most likely to blurt out the phrase, "The house is on fire! Quick, call an ice cream truck!"
No, it is better for everyone in America that we are taught a lesson about what should pass for excellence in these end times. Here's how that lesson should go: The Mariners sweeping the Angels, the Astros getting swept by the A's, and the Rangers getting cleaned out by the Mets today and the Twins over the weekend. That would create a three-way tie atop the division among teams well under .500, which somehow the Mariners would win under current tiebreaker rules based on past performance, that rule apparently being "it would be absolutely hilarious, that's why." Besides, we could damned well use the laugh. When the nation and its cultural and political lives are marching boldly toward The Abyss, Presented By DraftKings, what better way to prepare us for the future than the Seattle Mariners, AL West Champions. You'll laugh until you cry, then cramp up and get rushed to the hospital. You'll have secured a gurney of your own just in time for Game 1 of M's at Pope Sox. If that doesn't straighten you out, you can either pivot toward the start of hockey season on Tuesday or you're not worth saving.
