The Detroit Tigers announced Monday that their ballpark will henceforth and forever, or until the naming-rights deal runs out or some more banks merge, be known as Fifth Third Park. "When you look around, it's so much more than where the Tigers play baseball," Ryan Gustafson, CEO of Ilitch Sports and Entertainment, said at the unveiling. So much more. It's not merely a "Tiger" "stadium." It's Fifth Third Park.
Fifth Third! Ol' One and Two-Thirds Field. The Fraction. Hey, you wanna catch a game down at The 1.6̅? Tigers fans surely can't wait to embrace the new name for what used to be Comerica Park, which opened in 2000 but never truly felt like home because they could pronounce it without difficulty. Comerica was purchased by Fifth Third earlier this year, and now the branding has been set to rights.
"Many names were recommended to us by customers and citizens here in Detroit," said Tim Spence, chairman, CEO, and president of Fifth Third, and all of them were presumably ignored in favor of Fifth Third Park.
What is Fifth Third, you might ask if you're not from the Midwest? Let me save you a trip to the Fifth Third Museum (a real thing) and tell you that it is a bank, headquartered in Cincinnati and formed in 1908 by a merger of the Fifth National Bank and the Third National Bank. Personally, I would have averaged them instead of going with some sort of Fifth Third Compromise. But why not "Third Fifth"? According to legend, on the eve of Prohibition, executives were concerned that "Third Fifth" could be construed as a reference to fifths of alcohol. I'll tell you who needs to drink three fifths—anyone watching the Detroit Tigers this year!
Fifth Third—really rolls off the tongue. Let's savor the mouthfeel, swish it around a bit. Fifth third. Fifth. Third. Fiv third. Fih ftherd. Fif tehrd. Fifþ Þird. Not since Ruth's Chris has a business name been so inconducive to saying.
Fifth Third Park is not the first Fifth Third Park. The Rangers' High-A affiliate in Spartanburg, S.C., plays in Fifth Third Park, making Detroit's second Fifth Third. Third Fifth Third if you count Fifth Third Field, home of the Toledo Mud Hens. Fourth Fifth Third if you count the old name of the High-A Tigers' home, Fifth Third Ballpark.
The new name is already impressively unpopular among Tigers fans. "Who in the hell named your bank 'Fifth Third Bank'? Sylvester the Cat?" local musician Jack White wrote on Instagram, getting their asses. If Kevin McGonigle sticks mainly with shortstop, the Tigers are gonna need their fifth third baseman in as many years!
Look, you know the deal with stadium naming rights. Fifth Third Bank may be paying the Ilitches a lot of money to call it that, but they're not paying you anything. You can call it whatever you want. You can call it Comerica, though they weren't paying you either. You can call it Tiger Stadium. You can call it Briggs Stadium if you like. And it could always be worse, as long as Crypto Dot Com Arena exists.
Fifth Third: The range of AL Central finishing positions for the Tigers over the next few seasons. Ha ha! We have fun, don't we? Enjoy Shit Turd Park.
