There are few joys in sports that can truly exceed a game in which both coaches are in danger of getting fired, and no place does that game better than England. There are no distractions that can cause the fevered punditocracy to avert its eyes from the desperate hope that one (or, in the most orgiastic case, both) gets smoked right after the game. This is possible because a dissatisfying draw can enrage both fan bases equally, in the way that Giants-Commanders sickened the souls of football fans on this side of the ditch three weeks ago.
But there is one scenario that trumps even that, and Americans will have it tomorrow morning at the breakfast hour: Manchester United at Chelsea. Two big clubs that are underachieving in their own specific ways, will face each other at 8:30 a.m. ET, and in deepest zombie hours on the West Coast. What makes it genuinely special for everyone is that no institution on earth, in any pursuit, does boss-in-trouble quite like Manchester United.
Carrick got the full car wash a week ago after successive three-goal losses to Como (4-1) in the Champions League and Bournemouth (3-0) in the Prem. This extended a stretch of winless results that go back to United's Champions League win over Sabah of Azerbaijan, a newbie team that, on the European stage, qualifies not as minnows but something more on the order of plankton. The first loss was in Italy, in a very cool stadium that overlooks Lake Como, and which by definition is the coolest stadium in Europe because of it. The second was at home before—get this—an appreciative crowd that applauded Carrick when the team went for the postgame salute to the fans. They turned unanimously loud, profane, and ugly as soon as Carrick left the field.
Yes, Manchester United fans applauded the failing coach mostly because they like him, and booed his players like disgraced politicians for letting him down. Americans would never do that, not in any context at any point. A coach is hired to be fired; that's why we invented the hot seat as a metaphor. Nobody thanks a guy for not winning in a month. But again, they do things differently over there.
It is notable that this happened as every football writer in England was speculating frothily about the hour at which Carrick, the much beloved former United player, would become Carrick, the much beloved former United coach. It wasn't "if." It was "when." More to the point, because Manchester United is run by grifters, gasbags, and knotheads, they needed until Monday to decide that they're not sacking Carrick because they were afraid of the blowback. Yet. They managed through their own institutional paralysis to make the whingeing last for two extra days before deciding to do nothing.
Manchester United is almost certainly the finest example of a team that would make a coach vamp on the gallows to the amusement of the entire nation. Since Sir Alex Ferguson, a manager so successful that he got himself a knighthood in 2013, the club has hired:
- David Moyes (ex-Everton, friend of Fergie)
- Ryan Giggs (former Manchester United hero)
- Louis van Gaal (Dutchman who looks like a quail)
- José Mourinho (former everywhere, inventor of modern narcissism)
- Ole Gunnar Solskjær (former Manchester United hero)
- Michael Carrick (the once and future king)
- Ralf Rangnick (the one who said out loud the club is an organizational mess and got fired for it)
- Erik ten Hag (the one they tried to fire several times and kept when they couldn't find anyone better)
- Ruud van Nistelrooy (former Manchester United hero)
- Ruben Amorim (Mourinho 2.0, total flameout)
- Darren Fletcher (former Manchester United hero)
- Carrick (still a former Manchester United hero)
That's a new coach every 13 months for nearly a decade and a half, including two interim coaches and three caretakers; this is Brit boot terminology, and the difference between the two is essentially that interims might get rehired while caretakers have no chance. It's a lot of churn for a team that generates more revenue than nearly any other team on earth, and is reputationally bigger than the Dallas Cowboys, New York Yankees, Los Angeles Lakers, and Toronto Maple Leafs combined. When United win, they are insufferable. When they lose, the planet rejoices. In that sense, the planet is on a 13-year bender.
The unique part here is that the club's fan base is unreserved in its support for Carrick despite his middling record and recent run of poor-to-nauseating form. So much so, in fact, that the shambolic management that everyone hates for being American debt junkies and a Brit who doesn't know how to hire middle management drones has actually backed away from making a move. In every other firing, there was general agreement that the firing needed doing. In this one, a firing ends with the town on fire, even more than if archrival Manchester City is relegated for being serial financial cheats. Does it get any better than that? No, it doesn't.
If that seems like too much to absorb, all it means is that you haven't been following this constantly erupting dungheap long enough. Manchester United is the single best hatewatch in entertainment, and has been thus long enough that its status as such could enroll in junior high school. All of which explains why you should drag your hungover and desperately caffeinated asses up from bed on Saturday morning for the latest treatment at the Manchester Shame Spa.
And even if you don't care about United, there's the odd chance that Chelsea might can Xabi Alonso after the match just for giggles. After all, they've had 16 separate managers in the same 13-year window, including Frank Lampard and Calum McFarlane twice each. We talk about coaches on the hot seat in America? We know nothing at all.
