"If you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything," said no blogger ever. But we're not made entirely out of mud and coal. With the 16 NHL playoff teams officially set, if not yet the exact matchups, I'd like to offer in the meantime a kind of anti–playoff preview, where we cover every team whose season is over. I'll say one nice thing and one mean thing about each. We'll start at the middle of the standings and descend from there.
Washington Capitals
A Nice Thing: In what might be his final NHL season, 40-year-old Alex Ovechkin leads the team yet again with 32 goals. Even if he's just running up the score on Gretzky now, everyone who saw Ovi notch 900 and beyond in person this year is thankful for the memory.
A Mean Thing: These clowns let a 40-year-old lead their team in goals!
Detroit Red Wings
A Nice Thing: The Sabres have tossed the Wings the hot potato that is the league's longest playoff drought, but you can't pin the blame on the most important players. Alex DeBrincat had a 40-goal campaign. Dylan Larkin's importance is undeniable. Lucas Raymond kept racking up points. Moritz Seider is the glue holding together the popsicle-stick bridge they call a defense. And even John Gibson put together the least-bad season a Detroit goalie's enjoyed since the early days of Jimmy Howard.
A Mean Thing: The Wings' front office is filled with players from a bygone era, led by GM Steve Yzerman, and I can't help but wonder if this group just holds flat-out wrong ideas about how veteran signings are supposed to help their team. Detroit currently sports a better record than four playoff squads out west, so it's not like every move they've made was an unmitigated disaster. But it's reasonable to be worried that these men are going to look in the mirror after another year of adversity and say, "We need to get tougher." Toughness, schmuffness—why not sign a defenseman who can clear the puck out of his own end?
Columbus Blue Jackets
A Nice Thing: I actually feel pretty good about CBJ. They definitely do not give you big-time stars, but of the teams on this list, they maybe have the fewest roster spots devoted to players whom you can confidently say will not help them win. Jet Greaves seems like the goalie of the future, 21-year-old center Adam Fantilli is right on the edge of glory, and even players who slid through disappointing seasons, like Kent Johnson, still have high ceilings in reach.
A Mean Thing: Elvis Merzlikins, his $5.4 million cap hit, and his .883 save percentage need to leave the building.
New York Islanders
A Nice Thing: As much as a No. 1 overall pick can be a pleasant surprise, that's what teenaged defenseman Matthew Schaefer was for an Isles team that sorely needed a shot in the arm. If you watched the kid seamlessly adjust to the NHL this year, you could easily imagine him quarterbacking the Isles for 10, even 15 years to come.
A Mean Thing: Whatever I think up, I bet Tony DeAngelo's topped it five different times in the locker room this year.
New Jersey Devils
A Nice Thing: The team store made a pretty penny selling "Jack Hughes: American Hero" shirts.
A Mean Thing: All of the Eastern Conference teams above can console themselves by saying, "Well, if we were in the Pacific Division, it wouldn't have went down like it did." But the Devils were bad even if you judge them by the low, low standards of California and Alberta. Given how fun (and youthful) they were just three years ago, this was an extremely depressing decline.
Nashville Predators
A Nice Thing: For as ugly as the past two years have been for a franchise that hoped it could retool on the fly without an extended period of irrelevancy, there was that miniature hot streak in March that got their fans going for a second.
A Mean Thing: This roster is so old that they still call the Hurricanes "Hartford."
San Jose Sharks
A Nice Thing: Macklin Celebrini Macklin Celebrini Macklin Celebrini Macklin Celebrini.
A Mean Thing: This team's improved by over 30 points this season, so I don't actually see many storm clouds. I just wish Yaroslav Askarov looked like a legitimate NHL goalie.
St. Louis Blues
A Nice Thing: Everybody already forgot about their mediocre season.
A Mean Thing: Jordan Binnington still has one more year under contract.
Winnipeg Jets
A Nice Thing: There were three different 30-goal scorers on the Jets: Kyle Connor, Mark Scheifele, and Gabriel Vilardi. Just, uh, don't look down at the chasm after that trio.
A Mean Thing: Donald Trump's handpicked Presidential Medal of Freedom recipient Connor Hellebuyck, who uncharacteristically played like just another goalie for the Jets all year, went off to represent the U.S. at the Olympics and turned out to be kryptonite for the Canadian hockey men. Might as well ship him to Florida. Speaking of...
Florida Panthers
A Nice Thing: Panther fans couldn't hear any bad news about this team, because their ears are still ringing from all the nights spent at the club during their back-to-back Stanley Cup celebrations.
A Mean Thing: It's true that this team suffered more serious injuries than I can count on both hands, but it's nevertheless embarrassing for a would-be dynasty to fall this far this fast.
Seattle Kraken
A Nice Thing: I went to the Kraken's home shootout win over the Knights last week, which briefly kept their hail-mary playoff hopes alive. Seattle got soundly outplayed, but the tide turned on this remarkably lucky bounce off the boards for a third-period goal. I personally enjoyed watching VGK netminder Adin Hill freeze in place after the puck crossed the line, presumably thinking to himself, "Man, I hate my job."
A Mean Thing: Vegas made people forget this, but expansion teams are supposed to be bad for a while. One random playoff series win notwithstanding, the Kraken have followed the normal trajectory. They started with a bunch of guys who by definition were not crucial to their old employers, and the kids they've drafted to form the bedrock of a winner have yet to fulfill expectations. Personally, I'd prefer not to rest my hopes on a boy named Berkly.
Toronto Maple Leafs
A Nice Thing: Their level-headed fans understand that winning in the NHL is difficult, and they'll calmly and maturely forgive this team for its missteps, and display plenty of patience as they try to right the ship.
A Mean Thing: The Leafs were puke from a trash can. And now they have to watch Mitch Marner maybe win a Cup with Vegas.
Calgary Flames
A Nice Thing: One more year to live it up at the Saddledome.
A Mean Thing: They'll probably lose a lot of those games.
New York Rangers
A Nice Thing: Hey, at least they won their afternoon game at the Garden before the Sirens played that night.
A Mean Thing: Seven different times, the home fans showed up at MSG only for the Rangers to fail to tally a goal. And some nights were arguably even worse.
Chicago Blackhawks
A Nice Thing: This franchise tanked for Connor Bedard, and Chicago got exactly what it wanted.
A Mean Thing: They forgot that you need five skaters on the ice at a time.
Vancouver Canucks
A Nice Thing: There's always next year!
A Mean Thing: There's always next year.
Have fun golfing, everyone!
