Welcome to the Defector College Football Watch Guide, where Israel Daramola and Ray Ratto will tell you which of the weekend’s college football games are worth giving a crap about.
Ray: It's been a tough year for Texas A&M and head coach Mike Elko, who celebrated the Aggies' 27-6 loss to Missouri last Saturday by calling the team's leading social media outlet a "cesspool" and, two days later, apologized for calling the team's leading social media outlet a "cesspool." Elko also said that he is the reason Texas A&M is struggling, which is probably what the team's leading social media outlet was saying about him after his team lost at home by three scores. This is that rare case where someone can be right all three times, making Saturday's showdown with The Citadel a must-watch game, just to see what Elko says afterward if his Aggies don't cover the 45.5-point spread. Otherwise, it's just another weekend in college football's version of paradise, if that's what you consider your afterlife goal.
Israel: We are near midseason, and exactly as we predicted the most exciting programs in the sport are Will Stein's Kentucky and Bob Chesney's UCLA. Bill Belichick's UNC team keeps losing, but they're too scrappy and full of energy to make fun of or even care about. Deion Sanders's Colorado team is a complete mess but are too dull and incompetent to fuel much schadenfreude. Lane Kiffin cannot get the stank of the Brian Kelly era off LSU in one offseason, it turns out. And all the best teams are just kinda humming along uncontroversially, save for the occasional bad referee call. Texas lost the Red River Shootout to a mid-to-bad Oklahoma team, but that's just something that happens in that game.
What does all that say about the sport right now? Probably nothing. I mean, both UCLA and Kentucky are certainly going to be the most fun teams in a New Year's Six Bowl (don't worry, boys, more playoff expansion is imminent), but despite the chaos and "lunacy" that has supposedly invaded this precious sport, it's clear that the winner's circle is going to look awfully familiar. The only real difference is that when a team falls off, they really fall off, like for instance Florida State, whose lack of funds and general cheapness have finally come back to expose them. I would like to welcome myself to a lifetime of the Nebraska Fan Experience ... oh God.
And now, onto the games:
Appalachian State at Coastal Carolina — Friday, 8:00 p.m. ET on ESPN2
In the doldrums of Friday night college football, App State can absolutely feature in one of the evening's marquee matchups. They lost a dumb one last weekend to Old Dominion to open Sun Belt play, and now get a chance to even things out against a Coastal Carolina team that isn't setting the world on fire. My prediction for this game is that if you decide to gamble on it, I will personally call someone to come give you the help you desperately need. — Israel
Florida at (7) Texas — Saturday, 12:00 p.m. ET on ABC
Our longish national obsession with Arch Manning may finally be over, and our fascination with Steve Sarkisian certainly is. That said, Texas still has the most football talent wearing the same uniform in the country, and Florida's loss to South Carolina makes us suspect a bounce-back game for the suddenly untrustworthy 'Horns. Given that Texas's next four games are against ranked teams—Ole Miss, Mississippi State, at Missouri, at LSU—they will need to get to bouncing if they want to restore the luster they lost by puking up the Oklahoma game. — Ray
(4) Ohio State at (5) Indiana — Saturday, 12:00 p.m. ET on FOX
A top-five matchup with top-of-the-sport coaches! On the Big Noon Saturday telecast! With Joel Klatt, who does NOT do cocaine, he just looks like that, and Gus Johnson, who does NOT do cocaine, he just sounds like that. Expect fireworks for this one. Ohio State likes to fly all over the field and score, but might struggle against a team as hard-nosed as Indiana. The Hoosiers play tough, methodical football, but probably cannot hang in a loose, high-scoring game. Which of these teams will blink first? How will Ryan Day's many sports utility vehicles inspire his team? How can Curt Cignetti glower his quarterback into being more dynamic? I don't know, but I'm pumped to find out. — Israel
(16) Mississippi State at (22) LSU — Saturday, 12:00 p.m. ET on ESPN
The SEC is starting to bore us with these inflated rankings, but until we are ready to fully disregard the voters (not a bad idea, to be honest), this rates as a noteworthy game. An LSU loss renders Lane Kiffin's squad a non-playoff team and puts him on track to reap the bullshit whirlwind that comes with talking it before you walk it. It'll be interesting to see if the crowd in Baton Rouge is forced to turn on its team, and the mere possibility of that makes this a slightly better entertainment vehicle than Ohio State-Indiana, if only because the Hoosiers might be the worst bet on the card every week. But keep the remote handy, because even if both games go pear-shaped, there's Northwestern-Michigan State. Or maybe go walk the dog, you couch cushion. — Ray
Georgia State at James Madison — Saturday, 12:00 p.m. ET on ESPNU
By record, this seems like that rarest of things: a true Sun Belt must-watch. It isn't, unless you're checking up on JMU's sustainability. You won't need to stay long, we suspect. — Ray
(6) Alabama at (14) Tennessee — Saturday, 3:30 p.m. ET on ABC
Alabama seems to be pretty good, but maybe not quite good enough until their dynamic quarterback gets some more experience. In other words, this is another chance for Tennessee to prove some kind of mettle and to will themselves above the SEC middle class and into the elite circle. Does hard work and Bootstrap Football get you to the top, or is that dirty bastard Karl Marx right again? These are the stakes for you, Volunteers. — Israel
(13) Missouri at (9) Ole Miss — Saturday, 3:30 p.m. ET on SEC
What, you'd rather watch Arizona-Texas Tech? Actually, maybe you would, so ...
Arizona at (10) Texas Tech — Saturday, 3:30 p.m. ET on FOX
It's your call. — Ray
North Carolina at Duke — Saturday, 3:30 p.m. ET on ESPN2
Duke really dropped an easy one last week. Maybe they were too busy looking ahead to their date with the freshly resurgent Fightin' Bill Belichicks, who just beat a whole ranked team. It was a No. 25, but still! This will be a rock fight, and to North Carolina's actual credit, they've made every game they've played ugly as hell, to their own benefit. — Israel
Florida State at (3) Miami — Saturday, 7:00 p.m. ET on ESPN
This game is already in Miami's rearview mirror, except as an opportunity to put the recruiting boot into an already eviscerated in-state opponent. You can debate whether the Canes' offense is better than its defense (if you are a conversational dullard, that is), but you cannot debate the mismatch here. The question becomes how much Miami thinks it needs to win by. A week after the Jimbo Fisher rumors started heating up on the FSU message boards, the 'Noles got boatraced at Louisville, so Mike Norvell's hot seat is now an air-fryer hat. On the other hand, Miami may want Norvell to stay on the job and decide the score doesn't need to be 51-13 after all. Don't bet that way, though. — Ray
(2) Notre Dame at (8) BYU — Saturday, 7:30 p.m. ET on ABC
Thin air and a quarterback named Bear make this a difficult billeting for the Irish, and not only because Bachmeier, the signal-calling ursine in question, wears No. 47 on his jersey. This is boldly old-fashioned stuff, and the combination of name and number makes him the coolest quarterback in the country next to Louisiana Used-To-Be Lafayette's Lunch Winfield. This is the toughest game on Notre Dame's schedule, save for a home game against Miami in three weeks, so much will be learned in Provo this weekend. For instance, how Notre Dame somehow covers the 10.5, and also how well ABC can broadcast an NBC property. — Ray
(18) Oklahoma State at (20) Houston — Saturday, 7:30 p.m. ET on FOX
Wow, so many ranked games. Look at all those rankings! Please watch our beautiful sport ... don't you know it's dying? I'm still a believer in Oklahoma State getting better as the season continues to progress. While Houston is plenty spicy and fun to watch, they are gettable. So go ahead, Cowboys: Prove you can get them. — Israel
(11) Utah at Colorado — Saturday, 10:15 p.m. ET on ESPN
Only bringing this one up because every loss from now on is noteworthy for its potential to be Deion's last game with the program. His bosses at Colorado have to decide if they love the attention and whatever money he's bringing in more than they care about actual wins. Deion knows his heart ain't in it anymore anyway. Every game could be the one that ends this charade. It's thrilling. — Israel
New Mexico at Hawai'i — Saturday, 10:30 p.m. ET on FS1
If you play your cards right, you can dovetail this right into the Houston Texans–Jacksonville Jaguars game at 9:30 a.m. Sunday. Also, if you play your cards wrong, you can do the same thing. Either way, New Mexico is becoming a lively suggestion for the last playoff spot with James Madison, Boise State, North Dakota State, and Texas San Antonio, so this could be a resume-padder. — Ray
Nebraska at Oregon — Saturday, 11:00 p.m. ET on FOX
Just go to bed, dude, it's fine. N vs. O means NO. — Israel
Middle Tennessee at Florida International — Tuesday, 7:00 p.m. ET on CBSSN
Tough loss for Florida International, but that's life in Conference USA. Both they and Middle Tennessee have to prove they are better than their records this time around. I'm sure of only one thing, which is that this will be another game that ends with a field goal to finish off a narrow win. — Israel
YOUR OBERLIN MINUTE
The Yeo is back after a week sunning in Cap d'Antibes to regroup for the stretch run. It's a navigable—well, probably not really, and not just because it is extravagantly landlocked—stretch against Wooster, Ohio Wesleyan, Kenyon, John Carroll, and Wittenberg, that last one being the other cellar dweller in the always existent North Coast Athletic Conference. True believers will note that Oberlin's opponents' collective record is 9-16, and that when you're dealing with nicknames like Fighting Scots, Battling Bishops, Owls, Blue Streaks, and Tigers, the Yeo's dream of just one win is not entirely misplaced. Kind of.
In other news, Eureka is no longer scoreless after a glorious 12-55 moral victory against league leader Concordia-Wisconsin, with their points coming on a scoop-and-score and, amazingly, a deliberate forward pass from one Red Devil to another. Our newest pet project, Judson, was edged 70-7 at home by St. Francis of Indiana, and now go on to face St. Francis of Illinois. How many of these Franciscan bastards are there? At least four, if you count the one in Brooklyn that stopped doing sports three years ago, but we digress. Maybe someone in the Judson athletic department wanted to schedule a doubleheader with the Illinois St. Francis, which is 1-5, and accidentally booked the Indiana St. Francis instead, which is now 3-3 after a heart-stopping nine-touchdown win. As we all know, in postmodern college football, it's all about the admin. — Ray
