As a publication, we haven't felt the need to check in with Bill Belichick and North Carolina since October. There are only so many jokes to make about a mediocre college football team as it plays out the string, and how much more is there to say, really? Let's give it a try anyway. It could be the last chance.
The string has been officially played out: The Tar Heels were trampled on Saturday by NC State, 42-19. UNC finished the season with a 4-8 record, and will not be bowl-eligible for the first time since 2018, which was Larry Fedora's final season. Here's a brutal series of stats about this year's team, via the Raleigh News & Observer:
UNC went 0-8 against FBS teams with five or more wins. Its FBS victories came against opponents who finished a combined 8-27. The Tar Heels were swept by Wake Forest, Duke and N.C. State for their first in-state rivalry shutout since 1989 and fourth of all time.
A fun note here: Those losses to Wake Forest, Duke, and NC State happened in successive weeks. One in-state ass-beating after another.
Through one season, Bill Belichick's NFL success hasn't translated to the college game. His 24-year-old girlfriend Jordon Hudson has shown more fight against Pablo Torre than UNC showed against its actual opponents. The Freedom of Information Act put up more quality wins this year than the Tar Heels. Honestly, you probably could've called it a wrap in May, when ESPN ran the following headline: "UNC says Bill Belichick's girlfriend still welcome at school."
A reasonable person can say that Belichick might need another offseason to build a foundation and bring in some more talented players from the transfer portal. Then again, all-world doofus Mike Lombardi would ostensibly play a significant role in that operation. Besides, are there any remaining reasonable people who want to be patient with Bill Belichick? Authorities might have called off the search for them at this point. Most people hate him, and for good reason. He's off-putting and condescending, and now he's bad at his job. After UNC's loss yesterday, he stuck to his typical routine of delivering curt answers for a whopping four-minute press conference. At times, he was so committed to grumbling that it was difficult to make out what he was saying.
Before UNC's season began, there was discussion about whether Belichick was in it for the long haul. Would he just use a college team to bide his time until an NFL head coaching gig opened up for his return? Today, that seems quaint. He'll be lucky if they let him stay in Chapel Hill.
