Gather 'round, friends, for it is time to play my favorite newly invented game of the Winter Olympics. The game is called "Are The Fellas In Sync," and the way you play this game is by scrolling through Getty Images photos from Team Pursuit Speedskating and asking yourself a simple question: Are these three fellas (gender-neutral) before me truly, honestly, and existentially in sync? We'll start off with an easy round.
Round 1: Patrick Beckert, Fridtjof Petzold, and Felix Maly of Germany
Even a speedskating novice—an identity this writer held for their entire life until the moment they filed this blog—can call this one within seconds. Their arms are flapping in different directions! To be fair to these top athletes, this photo was taken at the very beginning of the race, when it is totally understandable that the fellas might not yet be in sync. In team pursuit speedskating, a sport in which two teams of three skaters skate laps starting on opposite ends of the track until one team gets all three skaters across the finish line, synchronization does not happen right off the bat. Getting in sync takes time. It takes around five to six seconds for the fellas to synchronize their arms and legs, and around 10 seconds for the fellas to reach out and tenderly clasp the lower back of the skater before them. One can rest assured the fellas will soon get their act together. But in this moment, I'll bang the gavel: The fellas are not in sync.
Round 2: Hanbin Liu, Yu Wu and Zhongyan Ning of China
Now we're getting somewhere. The fellas are much more synchronized here, and their alignment is emphasized by the colorblocking of their cool fits. Their outstretched red arms, the lettering on their legs, and the black and white stripes inside their thighs all emphasize how these fellas are moving as a unit. You might look at this photo and say, yes, at last, of course! These fellas are in sync!
But you would be wrong. These fellas are aligned, yes, their bodies roughly mirroring each other, their hands all in the right positions and arms in agreement. But look at the bend of their legs, how the first skater Liu has a definitive bend in his knee compared to Ning's fully outstretched leg. You might think me harsh, but the entire point of team pursuit speedskating—besides going fast—is being in sync. Consider the difference between a slant rhyme and a full rhyme. The following slant coupling—"this little piggy stayed home, this little piggy had none"—is certainly impactful. But it does not hold a candle to a full rhyme: "arms are heavy ...mom's spaghetti." Gavel time: The fellas are not in sync.
Round 3: Casey Dawson, Emery Lehman and Ethan Cepuran of the United States
Not only are these fellas not in sync, they know they are not in sync. The middle fella, Lehman, knows it especially, as he is the one most out of sync with his buddies Dawson and Cepuran. If you're inclined to patriotism, don't fret; these three fellas eventually got into sync, so much so that they won silver in men's team pursuit. I'm no speedskating coach, but maybe if they had gotten into sync a little earlier, they would have landed a little higher on the podium. Just saying! Gavel: The fellas are not in sync.
Round 4: Josie Hofmann, Josephine Schlörb, and Lea Sophie Scholz of Germany
OK, whoa. This photo seems too good to be true, so let's take a look at these fellas (remember: gender-neutral). They appear evenly spaced. Their arms are all held in the same position. Their legs are crossed in perfect unison, and their respective left skates are slanted at the same angle. Even their helmets appear the same height. This trio is technically flawless. If I had a cap I would doff it! It is with great honor that I bang the gavel: The fellas are in sync.
Round 5: Josie Hofmann, Josephine Schlörb, and Lea Sophie Scholz of Germany
Good people of the jury, it is with delight in my heart that I share that Hofmann, Schlörb, and Scholz have done it again, perhaps at the exact same moment they did it before but from a different angle (there are no timestamps on Getty Images photos). Look at these lines, these angles! It looks almost as if some photoshop whiz has copied and pasted one skater three times. The fellas are in sync.
Round 6: Davide Ghiotto, Andrea Giovannini, and Michele Malfatti of Italy
At last we have some men taking the sport seriously. The two skaters in the back are striking impressively identical poses, and the first mirrors them in all the places he should be. (The front skater, of course, has no preceding skater whose ass he can gently cup.) I have some aesthetic quibbles with these outfits, as the leg reading "ITA" for Italy seems to be squished a little on the first skater, creating the appearance of bodily asynchrony where there might actually be none. They are by far the most impressive male candidates we've seen thus far. But allow me to call your attention to the angle of the left skate of the middle skater, Giovannini. Notice how it approaches the ice at a more acute angle than the blades of Ghiotto or Malfatti. It is a small error but a significant one in this game, which has no room for anything less than perfection. So it is with a heavy heart that I deliver this ruling: The fellas are not in sync.
Round 7: Sigurd Holbo Dyrset, Peder Kongshaug, Didrik Eng Strand of Norway
Well, well, well. Finally, a men's team that appear to be totally in sync! The two fellas in back appear to be in perfect lockstep, their arms bent at the proper angle and heads bowed in unison. But it is simply impossible to issue a decree without seeing the bottom halves of these fellas' legs. Perhaps they are aligned as exquisitely as the arms. One can certainly wish! It is with no pleasure that I must disqualify these fellas from the competition, on the basis of needing more information. Unable to determine if the fellas are in sync.
Round 8: Momoka Horikawa, Miho Takagi, and Ayano Sato of Japan
What need I say about the women's team from Japan? Admire the bend of the knees, the angle of the upheld arm, the straight lines that could be drawn below the blades of the skates. Say it with me: The fellas are in sync.
Round 9: Joy Beune, Marijke Groenewoud, and Antoinette Rijpma-de Jong of the Netherlands
As our arbitrary sampling stands, the current reigning champions of Are The Fellas In Sync are the women's team from Germany: Hofmann, Schlörb, and Scholz. You might think they have it in the bag. But I am pleased to introduce one of the most compelling images yet to the game. When I first saw this photo of the Dutch women's team, I assumed it had been classified wrong. Surely this was a photo of a single speedskater that had, by dint of the rapid turnaround of Olympics coverage, wound up in the wrong event. (This happens; the Getty Images team pursuit folder that served as fodder for this blog contained photos of the entire short program of the Belgian figure skater Loena Hendrickx of Belgium, labeled, somewhat bafflingly, "Loena Hendrickx of Belgium competing in the Men's Team Pursuit during Day 11 of Speed Skating.") But as I looked closer, I saw this was no single skater. See the three visible blades on the ice, the bump of a second helmet like a hill on the horizon. This blog was over, the matter adjourned. The fellas are now, and have never been more, in sync!
