Alexi Lalas Has Already Worn Out His Welcome

Yesterday was the most entertaining day of the World Cup when it comes to big names doing big things on the biggest stage. And by that we of course mean Zlatan Ibrahimovic and Thierry Henry openly dismissing Alexi Lalas on Fox's between-games studio set for the high crime of being persistently and unashamedly Alexi Lalas.

Sure, Lionel Messi, Kylian Mbappé, and Erling Haaland also combined for seven of the day's 16 goals, which is all well and good if you ignore the fact that they've been doing that sort of thing for their entire careers. They make the extraordinary routine, and have done so routinely enough to make even multiple goals seem drab.

But TV requires that people—or as they are often mistakenly termed in the industry, "talent"—on the same set pretend to get along even if they spend the entire pre-show prep thinking of ways they could murder each other without anyone noticing. That is why, despite the best efforts of the flawless Rebecca Lowe to keep the show both convivial and moving, Zlatan and Henry look at and speak to Lalas as though he is a badly disguised undercover cop. It's not just because of the massive discrepancy between their respective fútbol résumés, although there is that. No, this one can be pretty well chalked up to Alexi Lalas being Alexi Lalas.

And Lalas, as we know from our research, is a reliably egregious foof who got a network job despite and maybe because he chose the tactic of being repellent and trollish, and has kept it because the person who gave him the job hasn't been fired yet. He makes the same mistake we just saw P.K. Subban make during ABC's Stanley Cup Playoffs broadcasts, of trying to force humor that isn't humorous into spaces where it doesn't fit while being essentially unfunny. Because all that mirthless mirth is the substitute for insights that aren't insightful, it's hard to say which is worse. Subban used big hats and velour coats to do what Lalas does with misplaced smirks, forced observations, and general provocation for provocation's sake. And they are all violations encouraged by producers who should be forced to reread until memorized Barkley's First Law—you either have presence or you don't, and you're either funny or you're not. And if you don't and you're not, all your attempts at either will fail miserably.

The difference, though, is that Subban's partner, Mark Messier, at least played along to honor the tradition of performative conviviality. Zlatan and Henry have all but spat on Lalas's notes, particularly when, by way of quoting a Landon Donovan observation that his partners on set clearly found distasteful, he described France as "arrogant."

Lalas probably meant it as a positive attribute; who can tell what he really meant, and who wants to wade through everything else to try? But the way his partners frostily no-sold the observation told the tale of how well that worked. Zlatan, a singular figure in the sport's history who as a side job does disdain the way a rhododendron does photosynthesis, called the use of such a word as "ignorant." As in, You're a moron, and if I wasn't so busy holding Thierry back from kicking your ass, I'd kick your ass twice so that he feels tangentially fulfilled.

Now we put it to you that while Messi in particular has been mesmerizing, almost as much as the even older Vozinha was in Cape Verde's 0-0 rout of Spain, the idea of Zlatan or Henry (because of his felony-level side-eyes) loudly thumping Lalas while Lowe nervously tosses to Ian Darke at the stadium is very definitely like nothing you've ever seen. And even if Lalas can ward off one of them, he's unlikely to beat both, let alone the phalanx of onlookers off-set who also find Lalas exasperating. If this jumping could be arranged to happen during a hydration break, it would be the greatest innovation in soccer telecasts since the invention of Pelé.

And the beauty of such a possibility is that this is Fox's A team, and as such is going to be together on nearly every one of the 28 game days between now and the end of the tournament. Thus, the chances that either Zlatan or Henry will snap grow with every new Lalas observation; given Lalas's dedication to his rancid bit, we can safely assume that he's going to keep on with the baiting because Fox has been fine with it since it hired him. After another couple weeks of this we wouldn't put hard money against Lowe throwing a hand or two in support, and wouldn't have bet against it since Lalas's casually deliberate on-air use of "full kit wanker" to describe James Corden several days ago. Now Corden may in fact be accurately assessed with either usage, but again, the rules of polite TV society frown on saying that kind of thing.

While there are plenty of people extolling the virtues of Telemundo's broadcasts, primarily because they do not feature Alexi Lalas, the Fox non-match telecasts should get huge numbers if only because the chance of fist-to-face exchanges can only grow as the tournament goes on. Lalas sees this as his ticket to ride, and in the current entertainment atmosphere of doubling down on stupid with something even more crassly stupid, the possibilities will surge exponentially. With all due respect to the matches, which have become increasingly compelling with every passing day (come on Uzbekistan!), the punchup with instant analysis is the sole World Cup highlight that will do what the World Cup itself cannot do—bring us together as a people.