Some people are fans of the Dallas Cowboys. But many, many more people are NOT fans of the Dallas Cowboys. This 2025 Defector NFL team preview is for those in the latter group. Read all the previews so far here.
Your team: “I no longer want to be here.”
Your 2024 record: 7-10. Before the season started, every Cowboys(/Yankees/Lakers/Bananas) fan was like, “I hope we suck just enough to get Mike McCarthy fired!” To this prayer, our almighty God let out a hearty guffaw that swept across entire hemispheres. The trees shook, the tides shifted, and tectonic plates beneath our feet made a low, sustained groan. Want something new in your life, Dallasians? Oh, we’ll give you something new.
Here’s how the monkey’s paw would curl. Just before a Week 1 win over the pathetic Browns, the Cowboys organization finally tapped into its strategic black gold reserves and gave their franchise QB over $200 million in guaranteed money. He would play only seven more games the entire season, losing five of them before tearing his hamstring off the bone. Mmmmm … ham off the bone.
The first of those losses was a shocking 44–19 loss, at home, to New Orleans. That was the game that had America asking if the Saints were actually legit. Trick question. NEITHER of these teams turned out to be legit. I love brain puzzles.
What else we got? Well, the Cowboys nearly came back from being down 28–6 to the Ravens (but didn’t). They also nearly came back from being down 27–10 to the 49ers (but didn’t). They got annihilated at home … I’m sensing a pattern here … by a Detroit team that nearly doubled them up in total yardage. That put owner Jerry Jones in a “I’ll fire yew!!!” kinda mood. But you know this version of Jerry well enough now to know that all of his threats are more idle than a limo sitting outside of the Spearmint Rhino. Jerry will only fire you when it’s five years too late and he’s on the hook for as much of your salary as humanly possible.
Dallas lost a game to Kirk Cousins after that. And not prime Kirk Cousins, mind you, if “prime Kirk Cousins” can be accepted as a concept. This was the Babe Laufenberg-ized edition of Kirk that lit them the fuck up for three TDs in the air. That loss also featured McCarthy calling a doomed-to-fail fake punt that made Chuck Pagano as proud as a new daddy. They displayed similar nincompoopery in a loss to Cincinnati when they muffed a punt that they, themselves, had just blocked. I love it when a team’s fuckup illuminates previously unconsidered nuances of the NFL rulebook. I especially love it when the victimized team happens to be the Sadboys. Behold!
This kick made it past the line of scrimmage. So you gotta either field that ball cleanly or, better yet, stay the fuck away from that ball entirely. Guess which MENSA chapter of a football team chose neither option?
Every other loss was a puddle of piss. The Cowboys got dogwalked at home yet again, this time by Houston in a game where the most exciting thing to happen was the roof falling in. They got swept by Philly by an aggregate score of 75–13, including a game where Eagles RB Saquon Barkley hit the 2,000-yard mark. They had the sixth-worst running attack in the entire league. They pulled a midseason trade for WR Jonathan Mingo, who’s about as good a receiver as Barkevious Mingo. They lost their best pass rusher and their best corner for extended stretches. They cut their one-time franchise back a week before the season ended. And then, in a crowning insult, they blew the final game of the year to Washington when Marcus Mariota did this.
The Commanders, under former Dallas DC Dan Quinn, would go on to make the NFC title game. With Jayden Daniels in the fold, that team is now set up for a run of contention that could last years. Maybe even a decade. And that’s while the Eagles are still a goliath, too. So that’s painful to think about.
But listen, all of those losses and all of those torn sinews were worth it to finally be free of Mike McCarthy once and for all, right?
WRONG.
Your coach: Breath of stale air Brian Schottenheimer. Wait, what? How the fuck did that happen? Wasn’t this slob already the OC under McCarthy? Funny story! (It’s not that funny.) Mike McCarthy ended last year without a new contract. Once the season was over, Jerry Jones let the coach dangle, while simultaneously denying other teams permission to speak to McCarthy about their own job vacancies. That’s like Ted Cruz’s wife screaming “Back off, ladies!” to every single woman at the Cracker Barrel. Finally, after days of “suspense,” the Cowboys formally announced they were letting McCarthy walk. And there was much rejoicing:
That rejoicing would prove to be short-lived. Here are the candidates that the Double J formally interviewed after ditching the Beav: Robert Saleh, Leslie Frazier, Kellen Moore, and Schottenheimer. No Deion. No Ben Johnson. Not even a token interview with Jon Gruden to give us all a laugh. No one wanted this job. What sane person would? I’d rather be Kevin Spacey’s paperboy than deal with Jerry and his asshole family. So here’s Brian Schottenheimer, the offensive coordinator that no fan has ever liked, here to run things. And what a difference he’s already making!
Music played throughout the practice. Under Schottenheimer's predecessor, Mike McCarthy, it was only during the pre-practice stretching.
MIND ASPLODE. Music? During practice? Through some sort of loudspeaker device? Next you’re gonna tell me this guy reinstated Taco Tuesdays at The Star. And who’s this I see running the defense?
Yes, that’s former Bears disgrace Matt Eberflus. Now Jayden Daniels will be able to throw TWO game-winning Hail Marys a season. I can’t believe I’m gonna have to watch these men coach in primetime every other week for the next five years.
Speaking of retreads…
Your quarterback: Still Dak Prescott, who’s still carrying on Tony Romo’s legacy of playing competent but ultimately meaningless football. Prescott is currently the highest-paid player in the entire NFL. He’s also only managed to play a full season twice this decade, has never won a divisional playoff game, and ranked 29th in QBR just a season ago, behind the likes of Caleb Williams, Anthony Richardson, and Aaron Rodgers. Now Prescott will be piloting an offense that has about as much life to it as Payne Stewart’s Learjet. He’ll be doing so after suffering, over the course of his career, a torn hammy, a broken thumb, a bum calf, a bum shoulder, a dislocated ankle, a broken ankle, and a receding hairline. Jerry Jones treated all of those injuries by pouring Johnnie Walker on them.
Behind Dak is new arrival Joe Milton, who’ll complete more passes to the towel boy than to anyone who’s actually on the field. Will Grier is also here, but who cares.
What’s new that sucks: Let’s talk money, because the Cowboys suck at it. They just fined CB Trevon Diggs half a million dollars because he refused to rehab at their team’s facility. Here’s Stephen Jones, who somehow looks as old as his father:
"He certainly paid a price for not being here, but we're paying a price, too.”
Sure you are. That tiff coincides with the team’s contractual standoff with All Pro edge rusher Micah Parsons, whose rookie contract expires at the end of this season. Here's the old man:
"Contracts are four, five years, OK? There's a lot of water under the bridge if you step out there and do something in the first two or three. You can get hit by a car, seriously.”
And here’s his kid again, just to drive the point home:
"We want to pay Micah, too. He's got to want to be paid, too."
As you can see, neither Jones has been studying their diagram:
This has been the pattern for years now. The Cowboys waited until the last minute to pay Dak, and then had to overpay him just as he was tipping into decline. They also waited until the last minute to pay Diggs, WR CeeDee Lamb, and probably their gas bill. But lookee here! This team’s got not one, but TWO authorized Netflix not-umentaries! They got one about the cheerleaders, AND they got one about Jones himself! Featuring narration probably written by Josina Anderson!
“The road to a championship is never paved smoothly. It’s always paved with peaks and valleys.”
Our federal government is currently deporting people who speak WAYYYYY better English than this.
Thanks to personnel guru Will McClay, the Cowboys have always had just enough star power on the field to partially compensate for the fact that this organization is now a just a content mill. But with Parsons wanting out, and with his teammates being equally disgusted, the erosion is now on full display. You assholes won’t even get to experience the thrill of losing a playoff game anytime soon. The O-line, one of the worst in the league a year ago, just lost all-timer Zack Martin and replaced him with rookie Tyler Booker, who was drafted 30 spots too high and has an ass the size of Corpus Christi. The defense just lost key pieces in DT DeMarcus Lawrence, edge rusher Chauncey Golston, and CB Jourdan Lewis. Oh, and Prescott still has no one to throw to besides Lamb. Maybe you think that former Steelers WR George Pickens, here via trade, will make a difference. You don’t know really know much about the history of former Steelers wideouts, do you? Antonio Brown just threw a dildo on a WNBA court and then punched your mom.
The on-field additions this offseason have been meager. Edge rusher Dante Fowler is back for a cup of coffee, and DT Solomon Thomas is here to fill the void that Lawrence left behind. Both of these men are famous for being former first-round picks and basically nothing else. LB Kenneth Murray and CB Kaiir Elam are here via trade because their original teams no longer had any use for them. And capable back Rico Dowdle will now be replaced by fantasy waiver-wire goodies Javonte Williams and Miles Sanders. The last time this team made an NFC title game, the Baltimore Ravens, Houston Texans, and Tennessee Titans didn’t exist. I will see the London Nudge Nudges do battle with the Sao Paolo Anacondas in the Super Bowl before they reach it again. So many valleys have been paved into the road ahead.
What has always sucked: There are only so many times I can list all of this franchise’s shortcomings. They’re both the most valuable franchise in the league and the cheapest. Their owner is a drunk who smells of formaldehyde and has all the cognitive skills of an overcooked brisket, and his kid is even dumber. They make free-agency decisions as if they’ve just been kicked in the head by a horse. And they have little to offer the world apart from long-standing brand awareness. Why is this team still in my life? It’s like if you kept delivering copies of Newsweek to my doorstep. I don’t want this shit. I never even asked for it. UNSUBSCRIBE.
Every Dallas resident has a fetish for sitting dead-stopped on a 10-lane highway alongside a bunch of other unhappy people, all driving the largest car available. This city is Nashville, but boring. I wish that Lee Harvey Oswald had detonated a hydrogen bomb in Dallas instead of merely killing a president. It would have made my Sunday nights 10 percent more exciting.
Jerry’s acting on Landman wasn’t THAT good. And you just know he told the writer to make sure that every other character referred to him as “sir.” The Cowboys stadium won’t stop blinding everyone. Fuck Greg Abbott with a Tabasco-soaked gavel.
What might not suck: Well, they resigned DT Osa Odighizuwa, and in a timely manner! The wonders never cease.
HEAR IT FROM COWBOYS FANS!
Eric:
I became a Cowboys fan when I was six because I had a pillow of all the NFL Teams and their helmets and I could draw the Dallas star really well. That was 1996. My life choices since then haven't gotten any better.
Chris:
Ever since the middle of the first quarter of that playoff loss to the Green Bay Packers two years ago, every level of this organization functions about at well as a SpaceX rocket leaving the earth’s atmosphere.
Patrick:
Schotty Jr. and the Joneses addressed the gaping holes at RB and WR with all the urgency of a fourth-term U.S. Senator. So now I have to watch Javonte Williams and Miles Sanders take turns falling over after two-yard carries while George Pickens tries to fight the mascot.
Brad:
I now watch this team with the emotional blunting of a corpse injected with Zoloft and heroin. There is no excitement, only the curiosity of how it's all going to collapse and which new non-words Jerry will make up when he inevitably spins the crushing defeat that ends the season.
Tyler:
They fired McCarthy a year too late only to replace him with the least inspired choice possible. Brian Schottenheimer looks like off-brand Trent Reznor. Their grand plan at running back is two vets coming off ACL tears and a rookie who lost his starting job due to terminal fumblitis. The only exciting thing to ever happen at The Star is that bachelorette brawl; Teal Dress hits harder than most of our linebackers. They lost a game by blocking a punt, attempting to field it, handing it right back to the Bengals, and letting Joe Burrow walk down the field… and that wasn’t even their most embarrassing loss.
Erick:
For Father's Day, my wife surprises me with tickets for us to go to a game at Jerruhworld against the Lions. As much as I try and play it cool and cynical about the whole Cowboys enterprise, I'm genuinely excited to go. I even break my rule of not purchasing any Cowboys gear and get an unlicensed jersey (#43, Don Perkins, from my hometown in Iowa, played fullback in the 60s) to wear to the game.
And that's what I was wearing when I watched them lose 47-9. Did I mention my wife (who is really very thoughtful and a lovely human being) also booked a stadium tour for the next morning?
Cody:
We have the league’s allrightest quarterback throwing to two really good receivers, only one of which is an insane person.
Kate:
This team is like the Titanic, if everyone on the Titanic had been a white supremacist with too much hairspray and a really skewed idea of what good Mexican food is. I've never met another Cowboys fan I actually liked, and this includes members of my own family. We are trash, we play like trash, and I hate myself every day for it. I will dance on Jerry's fucking grave one of these days. Fuck the Eagles with the remnants of Romo's spine.
Michael:
All I cheer for now is for the players to fleece Jones and his family for every penny they can extract.
Isaac:
No one in Arlington cares about this team. I'd know. I work for the city and can see JerryWorld from my desk. On staff appreciation day they let us wear jeans and our favorite team's jersey and I saw more Patriots gear than Cowboys.
Micah, one of the best players they've ever drafted and a guy absolutely no team would pass up, just demanded a trade, which means Howie Roseman will work his devil magic, sign him for $12, and win four Super Bowls in a row as a result. Jerry might never die, but at least one day I will.
Phillip:
While waiting to grab snacks before walking into the new Jurassic Park, I had a realization: I was about to witness a franchise that peaked for many in the 90s; that's tried multiple times to reclaim its former glory; that by all accounts is putting more effort into style than any sort of substance.
The next JP should therefore just be filmed inside of AT&T Stadium.
Luke:
Cowboy fans are like Pat McAfee: completely lacking in self awareness, shallow, narcissistic, and possessing all the mental capacity & energy of a drunk used car salesman. Everyone sane person on the planet wants to avoid them permanently. Kill me now.
Elliot:
My good friend Seth and I, both devoted Cowboys fans, have convinced ourselves that Brian Schottenheimer is going to be a good coach thanks to a video in which CeeDee Lamb and Micah Parsons were delighted that their coach makes his own custom cocktail called a "Schotty." Seth and I think this means the culture has changed and we'll have a big turnaround this year. Just look at what it takes to get our confidence back up. We are sick and pathetic.
JB:
We didn’t even make it an hour into the opening of training camp before Jerry sat in a press conference and threw our top three players on this team under the bus for daring to get hurt while playing football. Shoot me with Barry Switzer’s airport handgun.
Austin:
The Cowboys did less this offseason to improve themselves than the CEO of Astronomer cares about laying low at a Coldplay concert.
Jason:
Thanks for introducing me to football, Grandma. I'll never forget/forgive you.
Josh:
I have never felt less excitement for a season. I have given up. I have no hope. Can't wait to watch the Netflix doc about an era I don't even remember. I still think Nick Sirianni is an idiot though.
Mark:
Jerry Jones got liquored up and fired the best coach in team history. He single-handedly destroyed a dynasty because he wasn’t getting enough pats on the back. I’ve submitted this fact every single year and it never changes. I hate everything.
Jim:
Season two of Netflix’s America's Sweethearts: Dallas Cowboys Cheerleaders delivered more genuine drama, higher stakes, and actual character development in one episode than the Cowboys managed during the entire 2024 season.
Thomas:
Warner Brothers Animation has greenlit, at different points, A) A live action-animated hybrid where John Cena defends Wile E. Coyote in court against the ACME Corporation; B) A series where a family tries to "keep up" with their neighbors, who happens to be Jerry Jones and his family. I would like you to guess which project is still being made by WBA and which one was bought by another distributor because otherwise it would've been written off for tax purposes.
Canon:
Never forget that a natural gas company Jerry owns charged a 600-7000% premium on natural gas as elderly and poor Texans were dying in their homes from a lack of heat during a statewide freeze in 2021.
Fuck that spineless hillbilly with an oil derrick.
Jordan:
I would urge any blood vessel in Jerry Jones' brain to just take one for the team and do what must be done.
Emma:
My ex-boyfriend was an utterly miserable loser who unironically said “beer me woman”, was convinced he was a secret crypto billionaire in the making (so secret that his bank account didn’t know either), and at one point donated over $5,000 to Elon Musk’s Boring Company to get a branded flamethrower. When we broke up, my friend said that I still lost the breakup by virtue of me being a Cowboys fan. Frankly, no argument here.
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