Some people are fans of the Atlanta Falcons. But many, many more people are NOT fans of the Atlanta Falcons. This 2025 Defector NFL team preview is for those in the latter group. Read all the previews so far here.
Your team: Atl2nt8 Fal3ons.
Your 2024 record: 8-9. Y’all got the express Kirk Cousins experience a year ago, kicking off with an incredibly depressing home loss to Pittsburgh in Week 1, a game in which neither team cracked 300 yards of offense. Fresh off a torn Achilles to start the season, Kurt was about as mobile as traffic in Fulton County after 0.000001 inches of sleet. Employing a starting QB who has wooden feet tends to limit one’s options on the playsheet, as evidenced here.
Kansas City actually stoned the Falcons twice on fourth down to win that game. What was the Chiefs’ secret?!
(Nick) Bolton said he recognized what play the Falcons were running before they snapped the ball. “Trust my keys, trust my eyes, trust the play call we had,” he said. “I already knew where I was going.”
Yep, that sounds like the Falcons all right. But lo, this team would win five of their next six games after that loss. Even better, Karl would throw 13 TDs against just four picks in that run. That was just enough competence for people to be like, “Hmm, maybe Korb really can take his game to the next level with Atlanta.” Bless their little stupid hearts, but that’s how Kirgg GITS YA! Because right after that run came four straight losses, and guess how many TDs Klarf threw for in that stretch? ZERO. I wish he’d thrown three TDs against 28 picks, but karma is only so accommodating.
That losing streak (0 TDs, 8 INTs) from Kyrik was enough for the buyer’s remorse to become permanent. Everyone wanted him gone after that, not that it would have fixed much. Because, during that 0-4 slump, the Falcons also let Darren Rizzi notch his first win as interim coach of the hated Saints. They let Bo Nix go 28-33 for 307 yards and four TDs, confirming that the Broncos QB could indeed play like a big boy. Then the Falcons went to Minnesota for Klark’s “homecoming,” as it were, with the Vikings. That game was tied 21-21 entering the fourth. It ended with the Vikings winning 42-21. Sam Darnold threw for five TDs in that game, including this beauty to Justin Jefferson. I am a Vikings fan, and lemme tell you: Not having Kirst Corbins as my QB anymore remains the greatest feeling in the world.
Turns out that the Falcons wanted to experience that similar euphoria sooner rather than later. And so, after a “win” against Vegas in mid-December, they finally benched their prized free agent bust and handed the keys over to an overdrafted rookie. They would still lose two of their last three games, including a loss in Washington where Jayden Daniels hit a still-alive Zach Etrz for the winning TD in overtime. Bryce Young of Carolina would work similar magic against Atlanta in Week 18, scoring five touchdowns and never letting the Falcons get the ball in that overtime. If you needed your young QB to put together an excellent game on tape, these Falcons were the opponent for you. Who’s responsible for this mess?
Your coach: Raheem Morris? I guess you can blame him. Or do you blame Jimmy Lake, who was Morris’s initial defensive coordinator but was shown the door this offseason in favor of Jax Ulbrich’s dad? Or do you blame GM Terry Fontenot, who’s still here somehow? Or what about team CEO Rich McKay, who’s ALSO still here somehow? Oooh, maybe we should blame owner/silent film train robber Arthur Blank, who pulled a Leon Hess last offseason and was like “mew mew I wanna win now!” and then forced everyone below him to give a hobbled Kurly Cuesins $100 million guaranteed, no questions asked. So many useless assholes to choose from!
But when you have a cadre of low-IQ boobs making poor decisions and moving slower than the planet turns, you’re really just talking about Atlanta in general. I don’t know how you Yankees do things (single, patronizing snort-laugh), but 'round these parts we like to do things slow and wrong! Now lemme just go see about that brisket I put in the glove box two weeks ago.
Your quarterback: Michael Penix, who was just thrown by a shithead onto a WNBA court. Penix had three starts last year, all against horrible defenses, and the consensus takeaway from his performance in those games was OH THANK GOD WE DON’T HAVE TO WATCH KIRK COUSINS PLAY QB FOR US ANYMORE. The sky is the limit for you guys now. Who knows, maybe Penix will be as good as Bo Nix one day.
Meanwhile, the guy Penix replaced is still here. The Falcons could have cut Cousins before March 15 to salvage what little cap money, and dignity, they had left from his contract. They could have traded him at a massive discount to some black hole team like Cleveland. As of this writing, they have done neither. And guess who took to Netflix to tell the world he’s very sad about it?
Cousins said he felt "a little bit misled" when the Falcons took Penix that high. "Certainly, if I had the information around free agency, it certainly would've affected my decision," Cousins said on the first episode of the season.
AWWWWWW. POOR WIDDLE KUK! Even Jerry Jones hasn't gotten as much mileage out of using Netflix for personal ends as Kirk Cousins has. This man has amassed more money over his career than Steve Ballmer, and now I’m supposed to be sad for him? Fuck that shit. You’re not a QB1 anymore, and Quarterback can’t make you look sympathetic now that you’re in the Dilfer-on-the-Seahawks phase of your career. So go the fuck away, Kerry. RFK Jr. just annihilated this nation’s vaccine research arm, so put that news in your empty trophy case. You’re about to play the next two preseason games because your team wants to showcase you as trade bait that no one will take. You deserve all of that public failure and more, dicknose.
Legendary non-entity Easton Stick is your QB3.
What’s new that sucks: It’s never a good sign when your new, defensive-minded head coach can’t even pick his DC right the first time around. It’s also not a good sign when you traded for Matthew Judon a year ago and got a measly 5.5 sacks out of him. This organization has been around for 60 years and has never had a good pass rush. Do you know who the Falcons’ all-time leading pass rusher is? You do not, because it’s Clyde Humphrey. These guys could have drafted Nick Bosa and still fucked it up.
In an attempt to fix the problem yet again, Fontenot grabbed edge rusher Jalon Walker in the first round of April’s draft, then burned next year’s first to trade back into the first and grab another edge in James Pearce. You know how valuable these picks are. You know that trading a future first for anything other than the next Jayden Daniels is a remarkably stupid thing to do. But hey, maybe Pearce has a chance to be the next Patrick Kerney. Let’s see what one of the coaches who faced Pearce in college told The Athletic’s Bruce Feldman about the prospect:
“We felt like we could neutralize him with some chips and take him out,” one Power 4 offensive line coach said. “He wants no part of setting the edge and stopping the run.”
I stand corrected.
Meanwhile, the rest of this defense is worse than it was a year ago, Gone are Judon, longtime DT Grady Jarrett, S Justin Simmons and Richie Grant, and DT Eddie Goldman. The biggest names in the front seven are newcomers Leonard Floyd—who’s been in the league for so long that I have no idea if he’s good anymore—and Vegas import Divine Deablo, whose play can’t possibly live up to his name. Third round S Xavier Watts might end up being a find, but that ain’t the kind of shit you wanna pin all of your hopes on. Tyler Shough’s only good starts for New Orleans this coming season will be against this defense. Make your DFS plans accordingly.
Over on offense, expect Penix to hand the ball off to RBs Bijan Robinson and Tyler Allgeier a combined 45 times a game. Robinson acted as a throwback workhorse a season ago, racking up nearly 1,500 yards to help area fans forget, even if for a moment, what kind of franchise they were cheering for. This means that Robinson will average 3.8 yards per carry through the first seven weeks of this season before tearing his ACL.
But at least Atlanta still has one of the better O-lines in the sport. They may have lost C Drew Dalman to free agency, but they possess arguably the best right side (G Chris Lindstrom, T Kaleb McGary (no relation) in the entire league. That should give Penix enough time to hit a surprising abundance of effective receivers, including Drake London, Darnell Mooney, and maybe even former Jaguars pop-up legend DJ Chark.
“But what about a tight end?” you’re asking. “They probably have one of those, too!” Well…
What has always sucked: Kyle Pitts is still here. Again. Kyle Pitts, you make me want to puke blood. You are Exhibit A for why NFL teams should avoid drafting players high merely because they’re tall. At multiple points this season, a color guy will tell the world that the Falcons just have to get Pitts going, and that “He’s almost like another wide receiver!” All of that is wrong, because Kyle Pitts is the worst thing to happen to Atlanta since Mike Vick got busted for siccing dogs on other dogs.
I would legit rather watch Kirk Cousins return to the Falcons starting lineup than ever watch this clumsy doof fail to live up to his draft status for the millionth time. It’s just like the Falcons to have picked up Pitts’s fifth-year option for $10 million this season. These assholes are slower to react than a cashier at The Varsity, and so are you, Kyle. Even joining the Ravens a year from now won’t help you. I fucking hate you, Kyle Pitts. Not as much as I hate Georgia and the rest of the American South (thanks for the fascism, y’all), but I still hate you enough. I hope you go broke on crypto midseason.
In closing, 28-3.
What might not suck: Penix’s arm is legit and he can move for a guy who’s had 72 knee operations. That’s more than enough to keep Kirk out of your life for a while. Enjoy the high, Falcons fans. You’ll never experience anything higher.
HEAR IT FROM FALCONS FANS!
Kyle:
This team is a reminder that one day we’re all going to die.
Sean:
I am an Atlanta Falcons fan. Whenever I think about them, I usually feel sad or angry. That’s probably not how that’s supposed to work.
Chewy:
Not only did I ruin my life with this team, I also ruined the lives of my son and my nephew. The look on their faces at the end of Super Bowl LI is burned in my brain forever.
David:
If Raheem benched Kirk and/or Younghoe Koo a month earlier, this team makes the playoffs. I will go to my grave believing that Terry Fontenot is a sleeper cell agent from the Saints.
Brent:
Arthur Blank has three championships:
-Atlanta United (2018 MLS Cup, 2019 U.S. Open Cup)
-Atlanta Drive GC (2025 TGL Champions)
Please note that none of these titles are for the Falcons, and one of them is essentially a TopGolf driving range simulator game.
Demetrius:
To this day, I have not seen an NFL offense play as well as that Falcons offense did for the final stretch of 2016. I could actually see it happening. I could see this stupid team winning a daggone Super Bowl. They were the best team in the NFL at that point. Nobody in the NFC scared me, and this was a year where the Patriots didn't look completely invincible, either. If it was ever going to happen, it was going to be this year.
At halftime of the Super Bowl, I got a bunch of congratulatory texts from well-meaning fans who didn't know any better. I know I probably sounded like a delirious conspiracy theorist when I replied to every message with, "I'm not celebrating. This game is not over until it's 0:00 in the 4th. These are the Falcons." But I knew. I just that we hadn’t had the audacity to actually do it with the entire world watching.
The Falcons being chokers used to be just a funny lil inside joke for us football fans. Now it's a worldwide phenomenon. People in every corner of the world know the Falcons for choking now. When the Patriots scored to win that game (fun fact: it was their only lead of the night), I turned off the TV and calmly laid down face-first on the floor while yelling, "It was 28-3."
The Falcons still haven't recovered from that night. They are paying Kirk Cousins $2 billion to hold a clipboard. Arthur Blank has finally ruined the soccer team. The local baseball team has Died Suddenly. Something called Kristaps is supposed to help save the Hawks. The Dream are our only hope because the Falcons are never going to do it. Their struggle is not of this realm and I would be better for washing them out of my life completely.
Yet here I am: Ready to watch this defense get burned on 3rd and 13 for the 63rd time in four weeks. Living in the future is not fun.
Phil:
Mercedes-Benz Stadium has solid, cheap food but absolutely sucks as a sporting venue (the halo board is distracting). At least the Falcons aren’t the 2025 Braves.
Alex:
Remember that clip of Bomani Jones explaining, in detail, why the Atlanta Falcons are not to be trusted? That aired before Super Bowl LI. What other team would pay $180 million for a known B-grade QB, get docked a draft pick for tampering, and draft a different QB in Round 1?
This team is forever cursed to watch the dancing shadows of real football teams on the walls of its cave.
Rob:
I'm a Falcons fan living in New York City. The "official" NYC Falcons bar, the Watering Hole, shut down for good in 2020. It wasn't until last season that a new bar agreed to host Falcons games. And the one time I went there, the people beside me spent the entire first half pining for Michael Vick, then left. With the Falcons leading. Nobody, nobody, nobody gives a shit about this team.
Penix is going to throw for 7,500 yards and 65 TDs this year, though, so fuck Vick, fuck UGA, fuck the Saints, and fuck the world.
Frank:
The switch from Kirk Cousins to Mike Penix was so funny because you saw in real time the receivers adjusting to the ball getting to them with actual zip. All Kirk Cousins had to do to be eternally lauded in certain parts of Atlanta was be better than Desmond Ridder, and he couldn't even fucking do that.
Jason:
The Chicago White Sox have won their division more recently than the Falcons have won theirs. The Pittsburgh Pirates and Colorado Rockies have enjoyed winning seasons more recently than the Falcons. Even the Athletics have won a playoff game more recently than the Falcons have. With the Braves now in the toilet, we must reckon with a world in which the Atlanta Hawks are the most competently run pro sports outfit in this city. The unredacted Epstein files will be released before the Falcons ever achieve relevance.
Doug:
Something absolutely stunning happened in this year's NFL draft: The Falcons did something smart in the first round. They drafted Butkus Award-winning linebacker Jalon Walker, signaling their long-overdue recognition there just happens to be a wellspring of NFL-ready talent 70 miles down the road from them in Athens. Could it be that the franchise had finally gotten its head screwed on straight w/r/t talent acquisition?
LOL NOPE. Just as the night was drawing to a close, they traded a second-rounder, a seventh-rounder, and next year's first-rounder to the Rams, all for the right to move up 20 whole spots and make a Mr. Fantastic reach for James Pearce. Even in a year when we managed not to do anything stupid in the first round, we managed to do something stupid in the first round.
On the bright side, the NFC South is almost certain to be hot garbage again this season. Then again, that's what I said last year, when we blew consecutive OT games in the last two weeks of the season (one of them to the fucking Panthers) to hand the division to Tampa Bay.
The Falcons have turned snatching disease from the jaws of victory into an art form.
Randy:
When I was fired from the CDC by the Trump administration earlier this year, I felt not unlike I do rooting for the Falcons. I knew something bad was coming, but couldn't look away until it hit me. At least I've moved on from my role as a cog in the machine that's making America fascist again; if only I could walk away from this fandom.
And lest you think that I am incapable of feeling genuine human emotion due to the trauma of this stupid year, I'm the guy who got in beef with commenters about my parenting. I want them to know I still am mad about that, and my now 9-year-old just today freestyled a lyric that successfully ended with a successful rhyme of "the Trump regime.” So eat shit.
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