Consider the average movie theater visit. Before taking your seats, you purchase popcorn. This being the average theater, they sell popcorn in tubs ranging from "large" to "literally the size of your torso," and you being the average theater-goer, you purchase the torso tub, because it's only a dollar or two more than the "child's torso" size, and you feel like you are getting a deal, even though it costs the theater something on the order of six cents. But this is OK! You are enjoying a night out! You know you will mindlessly snack on that popcorn until it's all gone, so why not maximize the snacking?
You take your seats. There are commercials, and trailers, and Nicole Kidman telling you that it's fun to attend the very theater chain you are currently in, which feels a little pointless, but you think that it's nice that she's getting work. All the while you are crunching on your popcorn, perhaps dry, perhaps soused in butter. Maybe you even asked the concessions worker if they could layer the butter, putting in a pump when the tub is half-full, and then another one top. The pre-show reel can now last up to 30 minutes after the scheduled showtime, so you've been there a while, and there's nothing to do, really, but keep snacking.
Before you know it, your popcorn is gone. You have eaten all the popcorn! The movie hasn't even started! This is not the end of the world. In fact, this is usually how it goes. You did not purchase the popcorn under the belief that you would be eating popcorn steadily for the next couple of hours—you understood that you will eat the popcorn, and then it will be gone. You can live with this state of affairs.
But there is another problem. The average AMC refillable popcorn tub contains 2,650 mg of sodium, even before adding any butter. The average American adult is advised to consume not more than 2,300 mg of sodium per day. I am not here to harangue you about your health. The point is, you have eaten an entire day's salt allotment in under a half-hour, and you are thirsty. Incredibly thirsty. "You have crossed the Rub' al Khali, and your camel died 100 miles ago, and you are stumbling into a cool oasis, barely alive" thirsty.
You have a solution for this problem as well. You know that you usually finish your torso tub of popcorn quickly, and are thirsty, so you made sure to purchase a comically large soda as well. Time to go to town on that soda, slurping like your desiccated life depends on it. It is cool and refreshing, and you are no longer thirsty, and your movie is starting, and you are happy.
Your body begins absorbing water a mere five minutes after drinking, and peaks at 20 minutes, so your kidneys get right to work. The average movie runtime crossed 120 minutes a decade ago, and for the most popular movies, it's even higher. (Please note that I am bringing FACTS to this argument, which is how you know it's correct.) Two hours after drinking 64 ounces of soda, the soda will remind you of its existence. It needs to go somewhere. You need to go to the bathroom.
One of my colleagues said she will simply go to the bathroom in the middle of the movie. Another said he will "hold it, like an adult."
What I am proposing is that you do not have to live this way. You do not have to choose between missing entire minutes of a movie, or being distracted in your seat by the signals being sent from your central nervous system that you need to void your bladder. There is a decision you can make that will allow you to enjoy the entirety of the film you paid good money to see, and fully give yourself over to the physical immersion that is the whole point of the theatergoing experience.
If you follow the causal chain back to its first link, you will see that the bad actor here is popcorn. Popcorn is a bad movie snack. All salty snacks are bad choices for theaters. They make you thirsty, and you drink to sate the thirst, and then you have to pee, and the climax of your movie takes place in pee-influenced conditions. Avoid the salty snack! Opt for the sweet snack. Have some nice Twizzlers or Milk Duds instead. Then you will only drink a little a bit of soda, because you like the taste, not because you are a sodium-encrusted husk. You will not be besieged by piss urges until well after the final credits have rolled, at which point you can thank me.
Disclosure: The author "doesn't really like movies" and has not seen a movie in theaters since 2018.
