Do mine own eyes deceive me?! Or did my colleague Barry Petchesky really write a garbage blog called "I Submit To You That Popcorn Is A Bad Movie Snack" on the website we co-own? What fresh heresy is this?
Usually, when someone has a take this hot, we present their take in a point-counterpoint where some reason and honesty can be added to the discussion. But Barry must have known how unfounded this blog was, as he did not give me the opportunity to reply. Well guess what, Barry? I can write my own blog! And in my blog I submit that you do not know what the hell you are talking about!
It is sad to have to do this to my dear colleague, Barry. Usually, I am willing to give him the benefit of the doubt. We have many shared beliefs like "bathtubs are good" and "gambling is fine usually" and "nicotine is our friend." It was with this open mind that I read his absolutely horrendous trash blog, and found that today he is my enemy! And unfortunately for him, I know my enemy, because he is also my friend.
First off, I do not think anyone should be taking advice on health or snacks from Barry Petchesky, who I have witnessed purchasing and drinking some of the most vile and strange energy drinks known to man. Who is he to tell us about the "sodium content" of a full bucket of popcorn when he is drinking stuff wrapped in labels the color of Manic Panic hair dye with names like GORILLA MIND and TOXIC WASTE? This is a man who told me that he had picked out a specific vile energy drink because he read a Reddit thread about it. This is not a man whose taste is trustworthy!
And beyond the taste problem, Barry doesn't even watch movies. This is a core aspect of his character. Once a year, Barry will tell us he has watched a movie, and we all respond like he's told us he has a secret wife. But he doesn't even go to the theater! He watches it at home. Barry included this in his blog IN TINY PRINT AT THE VERY BOTTOM. Ridiculous.
The last movie Barry saw in theaters was Hereditary, which was released in 2018. That means he has not had movie popcorn in almost eight years. This would be like me saying that all rum is bad, because I didn't like it when I was 25. How can you be certain your opinion holds up over such a long absence? Aren't you curious about how your own taste and experience of the world might have changed, Barry? You cannot say what is good and bad during activities you don't participate in! You have no authority here! Your opinions are as unpalatable as the sad Sno-Caps everyone avoids while they buy delicious buckets of popcorn at the movie theater.
Sometimes you eat the big popcorn and it makes you so thirsty you have to drink a really big soda and then you have to get up and miss three minutes of the movie so you can pee. Oh no, are you going to cry? Grow up! If the movie is bad, you can run to the restroom at any time and miss nothing. If the movie is good, you can simply sit uncomfortably for 10 minutes. This happened to me in Mission: Impossible – The Final Reckoning, because that damn movie was three hours long. But I survived, because I am not a little baby. I simply waited until the credits rolled to go to the bathroom. Do not blame popcorn for your skill issues! Get a grip and pace yourself.
Popcorn is a perfect movie snack. It is crunchy without being so crunchy that you can't hear the movie. It is salty and buttery and (most importantly) fun to eat. You can throw whole handfuls of it in your mouth at a time. But personally, what I want right now it to throw a whole bucket of it at Barry's stupid face.
