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Billy Haisley

Erling Haaland of Manchester City celebrates his hat trick during the Premier League match between Manchester City and Crystal Palace at Etihad Stadium on August 27, 2022 in Manchester, England.

The Erling Haaland Show Has Only Just Begun

Tom Ley

Is This Magic, Or One Of The Worst Calls In History?

Patrick Redford

GLASGOW, SCOTLAND - AUGUST 09: Malik Tillman of Rangers celebrates scoring his team's third goal during the UEFA Champions League Third Qualifying Round second leg match between Glasgow Rangers and Royale Union Saint-Gilloise at Ibrox Stadium on August 09, 2022 in Glasgow, Scotland. (Photo by Ian MacNicol/Getty Images)

What Is This USMNT Guy’s Deal: Malik Tillman

Real Sociedad's Swedish forward Alexander Isak celebrates scoring his team's first goal during the Spanish league football match between Real Sociedad and Villarreal CF at the Anoeta stadium in San Sebastian on December 18, 2021.

Newcastle United Is Betting Big On Alexander Isak

Luis Paez-Pumar

Lyons Brazilian midfielder Lucas Paqueta celebrates during the French L1 football match between Olympique Lyonnais (OL) and FC Nantes at The Groupama Stadium in Decines-Charpieu, central-eastern France on May 14, 2022.

Window Shopping: Lucas Paquetá Does It All

Leeds United's US midfielder Brenden Aaronson (R) celebrates after scoring his team first goal during the English Premier League football match between Leeds United and Chelsea at Elland Road in Leeds, northern England, on August 21, 2022. - RESTRICTED TO EDITORIAL USE. No use with unauthorized audio, video, data, fixture lists, club/league logos or 'live' services. Online in-match use limited to 120 images. An additional 40 images may be used in extra time. No video emulation. Social media in-match use limited to 120 images. An additional 40 images may be used in extra time. No use in betting publications, games or single club/league/player publications. (Photo by Paul ELLIS / AFP) / RESTRICTED TO EDITORIAL USE. No use with unauthorized audio, video, data, fixture lists, club/league logos or 'live' services. Online in-match use limited to 120 images. An additional 40 images may be used in extra time. No video emulation. Social media in-match use limited to 120 images. An additional 40 images may be used in extra time. No use in betting publications, games or single club/league/player publications. / RESTRICTED TO EDITORIAL USE. No use with unauthorized audio, video, data, fixture lists, club/league logos or 'live' services. Online in-match use limited to 120 images. An additional 40 images may be used in extra time. No video emulation. Social media in-match use limited to 120 images. An additional 40 images may be used in extra time. No use in betting publications, games or single club/league/player publications. (Photo by PAUL ELLIS/AFP via Getty Images)

Leeds United, America’s Premier League Team, Is Flying

Allan Saint-Maximin of Newcastle United reacts after a missed sho during the Premier League match between Newcastle United and Manchester City at St. James Park on August 21, 2022 in Newcastle upon Tyne, England.

Newcastle United Is Almost There

Bernardo Silva of Manchester City scores their side's third goal during the Premier League match between Newcastle United and Manchester City at St. James Park on August 21, 2022 in Newcastle upon Tyne, England.

Cut It Out, Kevin

Crystal Palace's Ivorian striker Wilfried Zaha eyes the ball during the English Premier League football match between Liverpool and Crystal Palace at Anfield stadium, in Liverpool, north west England on August 15, 2022.

Wilfried Zaha Is The Mid-Table King

GLASGOW, SCOTLAND - FEBRUARY 17: Cameron Carter-Vickers of Celtic applauds the crowd after the UEFA Europa Conference League Knockout Round Play-Off Leg One match between Celtic FC and FK Bodoe/Glimt at Celtic Park on February 17, 2022 in Glasgow, Scotland. (Photo by Mark Runnacles/Getty Images)

What Is This USMNT Guy’s Deal: Cameron Carter-Vickers

Houssem Aouar of Olympique Lyon celebrates following his team's victory in the UEFA Champions League Quarter Final match between Manchester City and Lyon at Estadio Jose Alvalade on August 15, 2020 in Lisbon, Portugal.

Window Shopping: Houssem Aouar Is Going Where??

Ray Ratto

Christian Pulisic of Chelsea speaks to the media after the Pre-Season Friendly match between Chelsea FC and Charlotte FC at Bank of America Stadium on July 20, 2022 in Charlotte, North Carolina.

Please Keep Christian Pulisic Away From Manchester United

Now This Is Some Damn Soccer

<p>Jason Jeong is a writer living in Brooklyn.</p>


Jason Jeong

A detailed of a Premier League microphone prior to the Premier League match between Aston Villa and Liverpool at Villa Park on May 10, 2022 in Birmingham, England.

Peter Drury Is The Premier League’s Poet Laureate

Darwin Núñez, Sir, You Got Owned

Albert Burneko

Real Madrid's David Alaba celebrates scoring Madrid's second goal in a 2-1 La Liga win over UD Almeria

David Alaba’s Left Foot Is Always Ready To Win A Game

Gabriel Jesus of Arsenal nearly scores during the Premier League match between Arsenal FC and Leicester City at Emirates Stadium on August 13, 2022 in London, England.

Hallelujah, Gabriel Jesus Has Returned!

Tottenham Hotspur's Italian head coach Antonio Conte (R) and Chelsea's German head coach Thomas Tuchel (L) shake hands then clash after the English Premier League football match between Chelsea and Tottenham Hotspur at Stamford Bridge in London on August 14, 2022.

Who Needs Goals When You’ve Got Managers Fighting?

Bruno Fernades of Manchester United looks dejected during the Premier League match between Brentford FC and Manchester United at Brentford Community Stadium on August 13, 2022 in Brentford, England.

Life Is Good When Manchester United Is This Awful

LEEDS, ENGLAND - AUGUST 06: Tyler Adams of Leeds United during the Premier League match between Leeds United and Wolverhampton Wanderers at Elland Road on August 6, 2022 in Leeds, United Kingdom. (Photo by Marc Atkins/Getty Images)

What Is This USMNT Guy’s Deal: Tyler Adams

Erik ten Hag Is Getting A Crash Course In Manchester United Dysfunction

Sandro Tonali of AC Milan celebrates during the Serie A match between Hellas Verona FC and AC Milan at Stadio Marcantonio Bentegodi on May 08, 2022 in Verona, Italy.

Window Shopping: Sandro Tonali Is Worth Whatever It Takes

Manchester United mascot Fred the Red during the Premier League match between Manchester United and Brighton &amp; Hove Albion at Old Trafford on August 07, 2022 in Manchester, England.

Manchester United Is So Pitiful That I Almost Feel Bad

Paris Saint-Germain's Brazilian forward Neymar (R) celebrates with Paris Saint-Germain's Moroccan defender Achraf Hakimi after scoring a goal during the French L1 football match between Clermont Foot 63 and Paris Saint-Germain at Stade Gabriel Montpied in Clermont-Ferrand, central France on August 6, 2022.

If An Overhead Kick Is Scored In Paris, Does It Make A Sound?

Frenkie de Jong of FC Barcelona takes a selfie with fans during the match between FC Barcelona and the A-League All Stars at Accor Stadium on May 25, 2022 in Sydney, Australia.

Barcelona Is Threatening Legal Action To Get Out Of A Contract It No Longer Wants