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Tom Ley

Jarrad Branthwaite of Everton celebrates his goal with Vitalii Mykolenko James Garner James Tarkowski and team mates during the Premier League match between Everton FC and Liverpool FC at Goodison Park on April 24, 2024 in Liverpool, England.

I Love Rooting For These Pieces Of Shit

Albert Burneko

Xavi Hernandez, Head Coach of FC Barcelona reacts prior to the LaLiga EA Sports match between Real Madrid CF and FC Barcelona at Estadio Santiago Bernabeu on April 21, 2024 in Madrid, Spain.

Xavi Isn’t Leaving Barcelona After All

Billy Haisley

Youri Tielemans of Aston Villa helps up Ollie Watkins and Leon Bailey, the scorer of their third goal, after celebrating their third goal during the Premier League match between Aston Villa and AFC Bournemouth at Villa Park on April 21, 2024 in Birmingham, England.

Ollie Watkins Has Taken Himself And Aston Villa To The Summit

Emiliano Martinez of Aston Villa reacts after saving the first penalty by Nabil Bentaleb of Lille OSC (not pictured) in the penalty shoot out during the UEFA Europa Conference League 2023/24 Quarter-final second leg match between Lille OSC and Aston Villa at Stade Pierre-Mauroy on April 18, 2024 in Lille, France.

Troll God Emi Martínez Shows Once Again Why He Is The Penalty Shootout King

Kylian Mbappé of PSG react during the UEFA Champions League quarter-final second leg match between FC Barcelona and Paris Saint-Germain at Estadi Olimpic Lluis Companys on April 16, 2024 in Barcelona, Spain.

PSG And Barcelona Turned A Champions League Feast Into A Soggy Appetizer

Luis Paez-Pumar

Dortmund's players celebrate scoring their forth goal 4:2 during the UEFA Champions League quarter-final second leg football match between Borussia Dortmund and Atletico Madrid in Dortmund, western Germany on April 16, 2024.

Borussia Dortmund Broke Atlético Madrid’s Spirit

Cole Palmer of Chelsea celebrates scoring his team's third goal, his hat-trick, during the Premier League match between Chelsea FC and Everton FC at Stamford Bridge on April 15, 2024 in London, England.

Cole Palmer Is Right Where He Needs To Be

Noni Madueke of Chelsea argues with Cole Palmer of Chelsea of Chelsea about taking the penalty during the Premier League match between Chelsea FC and Everton FC at Stamford Bridge on April 15, 2024 in London, England.

Chelsea Players Briefly Stop Embarrassing Everton In Order To Embarrass Themselves

Arsenal's English midfielder #41 Declan Rice reacts to going two goals behind during the English Premier League football match between Arsenal and Aston VIlla at the Emirates Stadium in London on April 14, 2024.

My Kingdom For A Premier League Title Race

Jeremie Frimpong of Leverkusen celebrating with the fans after the Bundesliga match between Bayer 04 Leverkusen and SV Werder Bremen at BayArena on April 14, 2024 in Leverkusen, Germany.

Bayer Leverkusen Brings Bayern’s 11-Year Reign To An End

Patrick Redford

JEDDAH, SAUDI ARABIA - FEBRUARY 26: Abderrazak Hamdallah of Al Ittihad celebrates after scorer 1st goal during the Saudi Pro League match between Al-Ittihad and Al Wehda at King Abdullah Sport City Stadium on February 26, 2024 in Jeddah, Saudi Arabia. (Photo by Yasser Bakhsh/Getty Images)

Saudi Pro League Player Whipped By Incensed Fan

<p>Columnist. Author of many <a href="https://www.amazon.com/Drew-Magary/e/B001JS8R52/ref=dp_byline_cont_pop_book_1">fine works of literature</a>, including <em>Point B</em>. Handsomest man in the world.</p>


Drew Magary

A general view of The Den ahead of the Sky Bet Championship match between Millwall and Leicester City at The Den on April 9, 2024 in London, United Kingdom.

An American Dumbass In London

Arsenal, Bayern Munich, Real Madrid, and Manchester City score goals in their Champions League quarter-finals.

This Was The Champions League At Its Dramatic Best

Korbin Albert of the United States arrives at the field

USWNT Stars Past And Present Condemn Rising Star Korbin Albert’s Noxious Internet Habits

Caroline Graham Hansen of FC Barcelona run with the ball during the UEFA Women's Champions League 2023/24 Quarter Final Leg Two match between FC Barcelona and SK Brann at Estadi Johan Cruyff on March 28, 2024 in Barcelona, Spain.

Caroline Graham Hansen Is The Best In The World

ARLINGTON, TEXAS - MARCH 24: Gio Reyna #7 of United States celebrates after scoring the second goal of his team during Final - Concacaf Nations League match between Mexico and United States at AT&amp;T Stadium on March 24, 2024 in Arlington, Texas. (Photo by Omar Vega/Getty Images)

Gio Reyna Has His Swagger Back

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<div>Abigail Segel is a contributing writer at Defector. She is also an editor for The IX Soccer and the Equalizer. Her work has been published in the Guardian and the Montreal Gazette.</div>
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Abigail Segel

Mallory Swanson poses with her arms in the air during a USWNT portrait studio session on February 13, 2024 in Los Angeles, California.

Mal Swanson Is Back! And So Are The Red Stars

Lyon's French midfielder #34 Mahamadou Diawara (C) leads the ball during the French L1 football match between Olympique Lyonnais (OL) and FC Lorient (FCL) at The Groupama Stadium in Decines-Charpieu, central-eastern France on October 8, 2023. (Photo by JEFF PACHOUD / AFP) (Photo by JEFF PACHOUD/AFP via Getty Images)

Mahamadou Diawara Leaves French Youth National Team Over Anti-Ramadan Rules

The EFSC players celebrate after their big win.

An Interview With The Manager Of El Farolito SC, San Francisco’s Burrito-Funded U.S. Open Cup Heroes

A general view of the Nottingham Forest logo on the side of the stadium ahead of the Premier League match at City Ground, Nottingham. Picture date: Friday December 15, 2023.

The Premier League’s Inconsistent Financial Rules Strike Again

Vinicius Junior left winger of Real Madrid and Brazil celebrates after scoring his sides second goal during the LaLiga EA Sports match between CA Osasuna and Real Madrid CF at Estadio El Sadar on March 16, 2024 in Pamplona, Spain.

Get A Load Of This Outrageous Vinícius Jr. Goal

Atletico de Madrid player Memphis Depay celebrates his goal.. Atletico de Madrid beats Internazionale Milan in round of 16 of Champions League matchday 2 of 2 and moves on to next phase.

Memphis Depay Was Ready For His Closeup

Arsenal's Spanish goalkeeper #22 David Raya, Arsenal's Norwegian midfielder #08 Martin Odegaard, Arsenal's English midfielder #07 Bukayo Saka, Arsenal's English defender #04 Ben White and Arsenal's English midfielder #41 Declan Rice celebrate after winning the penalty shoot-out session the UEFA Champions League last 16 second leg football match between Arsenal and Porto FC at the Arsenal Stadium in north London, on March 12, 2024

Don’t Forget About Arsenal

Lindsey Horan Headed The USWNT Into Its Next Era

SAN DIEGO, CALIFORNIA - MARCH 06: Alyssa Naeher #1 of the United States celebrates after defeating Canada during the 2024 Concacaf W Gold Cup semifinals at Snapdragon Stadium on March 06, 2024 in San Diego, California. (Photo by Ben Nichols/ISI Photos/USSF/Getty Images for USSF)