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Billy Haisley

Antoine Griezmann of Atletico de Madrid celebrates after scoring his teams second goal during the UEFA Champions League group B match between Atletico Madrid and FC Porto at Civitas Metropolitano Stadium on September 7, 2022 in Madrid, Spain.

Antoine Griezmann Is Eating Shit With A Smile

Patrick Redford

PARIS, FRANCE - SEPTEMBER 06: Weston McKennie of Juventus celebrates after scoring his team's first goal during the UEFA Champions League group H match between Paris Saint-Germain and Juventus at Parc des Princes on September 6, 2022 in Paris, France. (Photo by Harry Langer/DeFodi Images via Getty Images)

What Is This USMNT Guy’s Deal: Weston McKennie

Luis Paez-Pumar

Mohamed Salah of Liverpool looks dejected after Piotr Zielinski (not pictured) of SSC Napoli scores their team's fourth goal during the UEFA Champions League group A match between SSC Napoli and Liverpool FC at Stadio Diego Armando Maradona on September 07, 2022 in Naples, Italy.

Liverpool Is Broken

Ray Ratto

ZAGREB, CROATIA - SEPTEMBER 06: Thomas Tuchel, Manager of Chelsea looks on prior to the UEFA Champions League group E match between Dinamo Zagreb and Chelsea FC at Stadion Maksimir on September 06, 2022 in Zagreb, Croatia. (Photo by Jurij Kodrun/Getty Images)

Thomas Tuchel Wore Out Another Welcome

ST. PAUL, MN - FEBRUARY 02: Walker Zimmerman #3 of the United States dribbles the ball against Honduras in the first half of a World Cup Qualifying game at Allianz Field on February 2, 2022 in St. Paul, Minnesota. The United States defeated Honduras 3-0. (Photo by David Berding/Getty Images)

What Is This USMNT Guy’s Deal: Walker Zimmerman

VAR Isn’t The Only Way To Piss Away A Game

Erling Haaland of Manchester City celebrates his hat trick during the Premier League match between Manchester City and Crystal Palace at Etihad Stadium on August 27, 2022 in Manchester, England.

The Erling Haaland Show Has Only Just Begun

Tom Ley

Is This Magic, Or One Of The Worst Calls In History?

GLASGOW, SCOTLAND - AUGUST 09: Malik Tillman of Rangers celebrates scoring his team's third goal during the UEFA Champions League Third Qualifying Round second leg match between Glasgow Rangers and Royale Union Saint-Gilloise at Ibrox Stadium on August 09, 2022 in Glasgow, Scotland. (Photo by Ian MacNicol/Getty Images)

What Is This USMNT Guy’s Deal: Malik Tillman

Real Sociedad's Swedish forward Alexander Isak celebrates scoring his team's first goal during the Spanish league football match between Real Sociedad and Villarreal CF at the Anoeta stadium in San Sebastian on December 18, 2021.

Newcastle United Is Betting Big On Alexander Isak

Lyons Brazilian midfielder Lucas Paqueta celebrates during the French L1 football match between Olympique Lyonnais (OL) and FC Nantes at The Groupama Stadium in Decines-Charpieu, central-eastern France on May 14, 2022.

Window Shopping: Lucas Paquetá Does It All

Leeds United's US midfielder Brenden Aaronson (R) celebrates after scoring his team first goal during the English Premier League football match between Leeds United and Chelsea at Elland Road in Leeds, northern England, on August 21, 2022. - RESTRICTED TO EDITORIAL USE. No use with unauthorized audio, video, data, fixture lists, club/league logos or 'live' services. Online in-match use limited to 120 images. An additional 40 images may be used in extra time. No video emulation. Social media in-match use limited to 120 images. An additional 40 images may be used in extra time. No use in betting publications, games or single club/league/player publications. (Photo by Paul ELLIS / AFP) / RESTRICTED TO EDITORIAL USE. No use with unauthorized audio, video, data, fixture lists, club/league logos or 'live' services. Online in-match use limited to 120 images. An additional 40 images may be used in extra time. No video emulation. Social media in-match use limited to 120 images. An additional 40 images may be used in extra time. No use in betting publications, games or single club/league/player publications. / RESTRICTED TO EDITORIAL USE. No use with unauthorized audio, video, data, fixture lists, club/league logos or 'live' services. Online in-match use limited to 120 images. An additional 40 images may be used in extra time. No video emulation. Social media in-match use limited to 120 images. An additional 40 images may be used in extra time. No use in betting publications, games or single club/league/player publications. (Photo by PAUL ELLIS/AFP via Getty Images)

Leeds United, America’s Premier League Team, Is Flying

Allan Saint-Maximin of Newcastle United reacts after a missed sho during the Premier League match between Newcastle United and Manchester City at St. James Park on August 21, 2022 in Newcastle upon Tyne, England.

Newcastle United Is Almost There

Bernardo Silva of Manchester City scores their side's third goal during the Premier League match between Newcastle United and Manchester City at St. James Park on August 21, 2022 in Newcastle upon Tyne, England.

Cut It Out, Kevin

Crystal Palace's Ivorian striker Wilfried Zaha eyes the ball during the English Premier League football match between Liverpool and Crystal Palace at Anfield stadium, in Liverpool, north west England on August 15, 2022.

Wilfried Zaha Is The Mid-Table King

GLASGOW, SCOTLAND - FEBRUARY 17: Cameron Carter-Vickers of Celtic applauds the crowd after the UEFA Europa Conference League Knockout Round Play-Off Leg One match between Celtic FC and FK Bodoe/Glimt at Celtic Park on February 17, 2022 in Glasgow, Scotland. (Photo by Mark Runnacles/Getty Images)

What Is This USMNT Guy’s Deal: Cameron Carter-Vickers

Houssem Aouar of Olympique Lyon celebrates following his team's victory in the UEFA Champions League Quarter Final match between Manchester City and Lyon at Estadio Jose Alvalade on August 15, 2020 in Lisbon, Portugal.

Window Shopping: Houssem Aouar Is Going Where??

Christian Pulisic of Chelsea speaks to the media after the Pre-Season Friendly match between Chelsea FC and Charlotte FC at Bank of America Stadium on July 20, 2022 in Charlotte, North Carolina.

Please Keep Christian Pulisic Away From Manchester United

Now This Is Some Damn Soccer

<p>Jason Jeong is a writer living in Brooklyn.</p>


Jason Jeong

A detailed of a Premier League microphone prior to the Premier League match between Aston Villa and Liverpool at Villa Park on May 10, 2022 in Birmingham, England.

Peter Drury Is The Premier League’s Poet Laureate

Darwin Núñez, Sir, You Got Owned

Albert Burneko

Real Madrid's David Alaba celebrates scoring Madrid's second goal in a 2-1 La Liga win over UD Almeria

David Alaba’s Left Foot Is Always Ready To Win A Game

Gabriel Jesus of Arsenal nearly scores during the Premier League match between Arsenal FC and Leicester City at Emirates Stadium on August 13, 2022 in London, England.

Hallelujah, Gabriel Jesus Has Returned!

Tottenham Hotspur's Italian head coach Antonio Conte (R) and Chelsea's German head coach Thomas Tuchel (L) shake hands then clash after the English Premier League football match between Chelsea and Tottenham Hotspur at Stamford Bridge in London on August 14, 2022.

Who Needs Goals When You’ve Got Managers Fighting?

Bruno Fernades of Manchester United looks dejected during the Premier League match between Brentford FC and Manchester United at Brentford Community Stadium on August 13, 2022 in Brentford, England.

Life Is Good When Manchester United Is This Awful