Drew Magary’s Thursday Afternoon NFL Dick Joke Jamboroo runs every Thursday at Defector during the NFL season. Got something you wanna contribute? Email the Roo. You can also read Drew over at SFGATE, and buy Drew’s books while you’re at it.
The exact midpoint of the NFL regular season has always been annoying to pin down. The bye weeks make it so that teams haven’t all played the same number of games this time of year. And the advent of 17-game season means that an individual team’s season can never be cleanly divided in half. And then the average content grinder jumps the gun and files a “midseason report” right after Week 6. Get the fuck out of here with that, Mr. Timelord. We know that a proper midway point for the NFL season doesn’t exist. If it did, there’d be a shitty, Pro Bowl-themed event dropped into it.
But here we are at the doorstep of Week 10, and I have many rude thoughts about everything that has transpired so far. The social media era demands that you and I have an opinion on everything that happens everywhere, and it’s so … fucking … exhausting. So I ain’t gonna type up a listicle just to fill up space. I’m only gonna do it if I know that I can be an effective prick from beginning to end. And you know what? This year, I DO have that dawg in me. So let’s get to it. Here now are my notes.
Arizona Cardinals: We’re nearing the end of the Kyler Murray experiment. I know that future ex-coach Jonathan Gannon got a miniature revival out of Murray a year ago, but now we’re back to Mighty Mouse here posting underwhelming stats, getting hurt, and proving so bad at getting Marvin Harrison Jr. the ball that Harrison’s old man is spouting off to the press about it. Jacoby Brissett is the superior option behind center right now, and Jacoby Brissett is older than Santa Claus. This team is fucked until it has another one of those, “Oh wow somehow we made the NFC title game!” seasons a decade from now.
Atlanta Falcons: Here is the classic case of a team building its midseason reputation almost entirely off of cool fantasy performances (mostly from Drake London and Bijan Robinson). But when you lose to both Carolina and Miami by a combined score of 64-10, and when you lose a game against the Patriots when your kicker blew an extra point at the end, you’re still very much just the Falcons. I have no fucking idea if Michael Penix will be legit or not.
Baltimore Ravens: Every single DVOA metric says that this team will still win its division. Every single eye test tells us that won’t matter come playoff time, when John Harbaugh once more boldly abstains from using Derrick Henry on short yardage. Must be a Catholic thing.
Buffalo Bills: I know they just beat Kansas City, but does that change how you REALLY feel about these guys? Did you REALLY think they’d win that game after Sean McTroops called a timeout before Patrick Mahomes converted a fourth-and-17 on his defense? Or when he called for a 52-yarder with a gimpy kicker to seal the win, and then the kick went DOINK? Of course you didn’t. If that had been a playoff game, the Bills wouldn’t have won it, and I think we all know that. The ghost of 13 seconds lingers forever. Also, they say Ed Oliver could be back for the playoffs, but I don’t buy it.
Carolina Panthers: They’re 5-4 with a net point differential of -35. The good news is that Dave Caneles appears to be a pretty solid head coach. The bad news is that Bryce Young is still Kyler Murray if Kyler Murray were less exciting. Tet McMillan deserves a real quarterback.
Chicago Bears: The end of that deranged Bengals win last week felt like the Bears had been re-possessed by the spirit of Matt Eberflus and then purged that spirit all within the final 60 seconds of game time. So congrats to Chicago for upgrading from woeful to merely inconsistent. The same can be said for QB Caleb Williams, whose accuracy on off-schedule plays still leaves much to be desired. If this guy doesn’t fully turn the corner in 2026, I’m writing his ass off.
Cincinnati Bengals: They didn’t trade Trey Hendrickson. That’s really the only matter of import surrounding this team in its present makeup. If Brian Flores ever gets off the blacklist (unlikely), here’s his next head coaching gig.
Cleveland Browns: They just traded the only capable QB they had to their intrastate rival.
Dallas Cowboys: At this point, Jerry Jones is making big trades just to stay in the news. The Cowboys defense is better now that Quinnen Williams and Logan Wilson are here. But a better piece of shit is still a piece of shit, and the Micah Parsons trade still happened.
Denver Broncos: To take you inside the game, I did not write these entries in the order they’re listed. I saved the Broncos for this morning because I couldn’t think of anything insightful to say—they’re well coached and play good defense, whoop dee doo. Then I woke up with a cold. Now I just wanna go back to bed. Anyway, I assume Denver’s season will end with a similar tiredness.
Detroit Lions: Jared Goff is an assassin unless you put pressure on him, in which case he turns almost immediately to doodoo. Minnesota proved this last week when they blitzed the A gap over and over again and sent Goff to hell. That bodes poorly when the two best teams in the conference (Eagles, Rams) specialize in interior pressure. Also, Jahmyr Gibbs is atrocious in pass protection. I was too busy watching him make house calls against my team in prior meetings to realize that.
Green Bay Packers: They’re still gonna make the playoffs, and those faux-leather helmets they rocked a week ago were pretty awesome. But Tucker Kraft was the only legit pass catcher on the roster, and now he’s gone for the year with a torn ACL. That means that Jordan Love—a fraud who makes one throw per game that causes all of the tape nerds to crown him the definitive quarterback’s quarterback—will have to win games throwing to whichever WR2 of his plays most like a WR1 that week. Good luck beating Philadelphia with that weak-ass shit.
Houston Texans: Remember how the Panthers always seemed hellbent on getting Cam Newton murdered*? Houston is deploying that same plan for C.J. Stroud. Stroud’s best season was still his rookie season. Texans brass still hasn’t given that poor bastard a capable O-line, or a viable running game. Time’s running out. Maybe Stroud should demand a trade to Cleveland.
(*Given his current television work, I get it.)
Indianapolis Colts: Last week I mused that the Colts could end up handing Daniel Jones a fat contract extension only for Jones to revert back to being Giants Daniel Jones immediately afterward. Well, Jones got a head start on that process last week when he turned the ball over five times by himself in a loss to Pittsburgh. That should have warned GM Chris Ballard that his new QB might be fool’s gold. Instead, Ballard was like FUCK IT WE’RE GOING ALL IN and swapped a couple of first-round picks with the Jets to get Sauce Gardner. Motherfucker, watch your team’s games before you do that kinda shit.
Jacksonville Jaguars: They had to pull a deadline trade for Jakobi Meyers because Brian Thomas, so good his rookie year, suddenly drops every pass thrown his way. And Travis Hunter had been a nonfactor all season before getting hurt. And Trevor Lawrence is still a wildly expensive fraud. Like Arizona and Cleveland, this is a rebuild in waiting.
Kansas City Chiefs: If the playoffs started today, they would not be in the field. Their most effective running back, on a game to game basis, is Patrick Mahomes. Their asshole kicker has become merely ordinary instead of automatic. Chris Jones’s PFF grades are well below the man’s usual standard. In other words, they have you right where they want you. See you at their stupid victory parade.
Las Vegas Raiders: They have one good player on offense (Brock Bowers), one good player on defense (Maxx Crosby), and basically nothing else. They’ve tried every retread coach willing to take money from them, and all of them have failed. They drafted a stud RB and who’s only getting 1.3 yards before contact because his line is such dogshit. This is a spiritually contracted football team. Pay them no mind.
Los Angeles Chargers: They roared back to life when Joe Alt came back into the lineup, only for Alt to go down with a season-ending ankle injury last week. And you know you’re like, “Aw man, poor Justin Herbert.” NO. No. Don’t do that. What, is Justin Herbert your kid? Stop making excuses for this man. He’s been in the league for six years now, he’s gotten paid, and his team is still underwhelming. Jim Harbaugh could sacrifice a million babies on his private altar and it wouldn’t change anything.
Los Angeles Rams: I was going to pick these guys to win the NFC, but got spooked by Matthew Stafford missing most of training camp with back problems. I figured that he and the Rams, were screwed. Turns out Stafford just wanted to skip camp so that he could go right to kicking everyone’s ass. You will never kill this man with conventional means. I’m still bitter my team didn’t draft Jared Verse when they could have.
Miami Dolphins: Another rebuild in waiting, but congrats to their fans on finally getting rid of GM Chris Grier last week. I bet you guys feel the way I did when Nancy Pelosi retired this morning.
By the way, two years ago this team had one of the most promising pairs of D-linemen in the whole league in Jaelan Phillips and Christian Wilkins. Neither player is on the Dolphins roster any longer. I’m not even certain that Wilkins is still alive right now.
Minnesota Vikings: LIKE A DOG IN THE STREET! BOW ROWR ROWR ROWR ROWR ROWR!
This team is only good when its most vital players—J.J. McCarthy, Andrew Van Ginkel, Blake Cashman, Brian O’Neill, Christian Darrisaw, Justin Jefferson and Jordan Addison—are all healthy at the same time. And right now, they are! NO WAY THAT CHANGES OVER THE NEXT TWO MONTHS!
(By the way, here’s the only McCarthy analysis you need at the moment: he’s still raw as shit, and will need well beyond this season to get the pro game down. But there’s a lot to like, so much so that I’m beginning to grow protective of him. All of you have been waiting for me to finally morph into Bill Simmons at his worst. That may be occurring as we speak.)
New England Patriots: They have a brilliant QB and they’re feasting off one of the weakest schedules you’ll ever see an NFL team handed. It’s like Brady-Belichick era is back! Already! I LOVE THIS FOR AMERICA.
(Side note: I think Brady has getting better at color commentary lately. I will never publicly acknowledge that I just wrote that. Also, please don’t clone your fucking dog.)
New Orleans Saints: They’re fucked.
New York Giants: They’re fucked, but they have a talented rookie QB who’s absolutely bursting with personality. How Mr. Mara allowed Jaxson Dart into the Giants organization, we’ll never know.
New York Jets: OK they’re WAYYYY fucked. And that was before they traded away their two best defenders (Quinnen Williams, Sauce Gardner) on Tuesday. Why are they tanking now, after accruing all of that young talent? Who are they tanking for? The Indiana guy? The idea of Arch Manning? An unheralded Croatian prospect? Doesn’t this organization have any pride? Actually, Aaron Glenn has an answer to that!
Philadelphia Eagles: Yeah yeah they’re all quietly testy with one another, Saquon Barkley is suffering from regression disease, and A.J. Brown is being a fucking weirdo again. But you have to think about these Eagles the same way you would an NBA powerhouse. Every regular season, they endure a run of underwhelming play that has everyone asking, “What’s wrong with them?” Then the postseason arrives and HEY PRESTO! Suddenly they’re awesome again. We’re getting another Chiefs-Eagles Super Bowl whether we like it or not. Donald Trump will come to your house to watch the whole game with you.
Nick Sirianni is the best coach no one likes.
Pittsburgh Steelers: You thought they’d suck shit with Aaron Rodgers at QB and a box of thumbtacks around him. SURPRISE, MUTHAPHUCKKA! Turns out these Steelers are just as adequate as every other Steelers tram this decade has been. What fun. Here’s a team that needs a dozen things to go right at the exact same time during a game in order for them to look like a threat in the AFC: prosperous running game, Rodgers getting the ball out of his hands in less than a fingersnap, and T.J. Watt not getting hurt. Their home stadium may as well be constructed out of playing cards.
San Francisco 49ers: Every week they lose a vital player to a catastrophic injury, and then still win the game anyway. My projections say that they will continue this pattern for the rest of the season, culminating in a Super Bowl victory featuring 100 percent practice squad guys. Gregg Easterbrook has already built them a statue.
Seattle Seahawks: They already have the best downfield passing attack in the league, and they just traded for one of the best deep threats in the league (\ Rashid Shaheed). The way Sam Darnold is playing right now, you have to think that the Seahawks are a legitimate Super Bowl contender. Darnold will not play that way in January.
By the way, rookie TE Elijah Arroyo? He’s legit.
Tampa Bay Buccaneers: Three years ago, I wrote a post on Baker Mayfield that aged horribly, and then gradually began to age well. I’d like to feel vindicated. But I’m not a Bucs fan so really, who gives a crap. All you need to know is that if this offense ever gets its most vital offensive weapons back—Bucky Irving, Chris Godwin, Emeka Egbuka—then Tampa can get back to the NFC title game, if not the Super Bowl.
Tennessee Titans: They’re such a mess that I have no way of evaluating Cam Ward right now. Like, the best you can say for Ward is that he’s surviving this. But eventually, the organization he works for will have to actually TRY to help him. When Mike McCoy is the interim coach, that’s not trying. Quite the opposite. I bet Jeffery Simmons is fucking LIVID that the trade deadline passed without him getting dealt.
Washington Commanders: When I made all those jokes about Washington ruining Jayden Daniels the same way they ruined RGIII, I didn’t actually WANT that to happen. It even happened against the same fucking opponent (Seattle)! This blows.
OK, there are all your notes. Don’t count on me doing this every year.
The Games
All games in the Jamboroo are evaluated for sheer watchability on a scale of 1 to 5 Throwgasms.
Five Throwgasms
Eagles at Packers: Wait, I just wrote up every team and now I have to write up the GAMES? This is bullshit? What do I look like, some kind of “sports” “writer”? I already told you I had a cold! Anyway, this game is in primetime, which means that Jordan Love will play well and all of the national media people will slobber all over him. Get this man on the field at noon CST and he turns back into Steve DeBerg.
Patriots at Buccaneers
Four Throwgasms
Rams at 49ers: I don’t follow political feeds anymore. But a few Trump clips popped up on my timeline in the wake of the election, and they were brutal just to scroll by. Trump is like if Frankenstein talked more but knew less.
Three Throwgasms
Falcons at Colts (Berlin): Only one more international game after this one. I miss the 9:00 a.m. kickoffs when they’re gone now. I’m not ashamed to admit it.
Steelers at Chargers
Ravens at Vikings
Two Throwgasms
Lions at Commanders: I got an upset stomach after dinner the other night, which led to my wife and I playing our usual sicktime game of Find The Culprit. After some basic guesswork, my wife sorted out that I’d eaten too much cauliflower, and that cruciferous vegetables can cause an upset stomach like the one I had. And isn’t nice to be on the verge of 50 and know that a cauliflower floret can kick my ass. I’m surprised eating an orange doesn’t kill me on the spot.
Cardinals at Seahawks
Bills at Dolphins
Jaguars at Texans
Giants at Bears
One Throwgasm
Raiders at Broncos: This game is tonight. I don’t like it any better than you do.
Saints at Panthers
Browns at Jets
Pregame Song That Makes Me Wanna Run Through A Goddamn Brick Wall
“SWAS,” by Teen Mortgage! Noah has the intel:
A punk duo from D.C. with definite surf rock influences, the amount of noise and energy that just the two dudes in this band create is insane; every song makes me want to go drink a Four Loko at the skate park. And with every song in their discography coming in at under three minutes, they're perfect for any quick adrenaline boost you need.
Oooh, this is like Mean Japandroids. I approve.
Fire This Asshole!
Is there anything more exciting than a coach losing his job? All year long, we’ll keep track of which coaches will almost certainly get fired at year’s end or sooner. And now, your current 2025 chopping block:
Brian Callahan—FIRED!
Brian Daboll***
Mike McDaniel*
Jonathan Gannon*
Zac Taylor*
Aaron Glenn
Kevin Stefanski
Pete Carroll
DeMeco Ryans
Dan Quinn
Raheem Morris
(* - potential midseason firing)
Hey Dan Quinn, why’d you leave Jayden Daniels in that Seattle game?
“It wasn't a designed read or play into that spot… if we run it 50 times it's either a handoff or throw 50 times.”
THAT’S EVERY PLAY, YOU KNOB. EVERY PLAY CAN BE A RUN OR PASS. WHERE'D YOU GO TO SCHOOL, A FUCKING WHITE CASTLE?!
Jim Harbaugh’s Lifehack of the Week!
“I’ll admit that what happened on Election Day disturbed me … so many people voting for so many extreme candidates. But I don’t let that disrupt my thought pattern. I just grab my stress ball and squeeze it, hard. I squeeze it with all of my intensity, all of my fury. I squeeze that ball until I begin to feel the spirit of cruelty well back up within me. I use my cruelty as an engine, as all men should.”
Great Moments In Poop History
Reader Justin sends in this story I call LOVE MEANS NEVER HAVING TO SAY YOU’RE POOPY:
It was my third date with a girl and we went out for Thai food. I ate a metric ton of it and afterward we went for a walk presumably back to her place. About a block into the walk, I started getting the sweats. Several times I had to stop to hold it in, lest I fill my pants. When she asked why I kept having to stop, I grunted something about a rock in my shoe, and dug my heel into the ground (though this was mostly a defensive tactic to keep my butthole closed shut).
Finally it was too much to bear. We were walking through Allston, a college neighborhood of Boston, and there were bars everywhere. I said, "Hey let's go in and have a drink." Before she could even respond I was inside. I told her to grab a table, and that I was going to go take care of the rock in my shoe.
I sprinted to the facility and unleashed holy hell. It was the kind of poop where you're afraid to leave because you know more poop is coming. I legitimately thought I would be pooping for the rest of my life. I was on the can for at least twenty minutes. While I sat there, I fully expected that she just left, not wanting to waste any more time with a disgusting weirdo and his irritable bowels.
But when I walked out, she was sitting there, drinking a beer and waiting for me. Years later, I asked her if she knew what was going on. Her reply: "Yeah I definitely thought you were going to shit yourself."
We've been married for over ten years and have two kids together. Love is real.
Yeah you gotta put a ring on a woman like that.
Brick Johnson’s Executive Proposal Of The Week
“Dad, I’m sorry but Erin Andrews just isn’t hot anymore. You gotta tell Fox to do something about it … Get her out of there for a new smokeshow, is what I mean! I’ve been DMing with this chick Aimii, and she’s so good on camera. Plus she fucks. I can hook the Fox people up with her number if they want it... No, I haven't fucked her yet, but she's down. She lives in Ohio, so can I borrow the team plane?”
Gametime Cheap Beer Of The Week
Castel! From Jeremy! Jeremy, please speak in class today:
For your approval, I present Castel — the Queen of Beers! My significant other introduced me to this swill after her stint with the Peace Corps in West Africa. Apparently the brand is owned by some colonial French enterprise, and it’s essentially your only choice west of Libya. It’s not bad. Tastes like if Miller Lite was sourced by stagnant pond water and filtered through a cheesecloth. Apparently this is the fuel for many, many Peace Corps hookups in West Africa. I’m not jealous at all!!
Aw man, I should’ve joined the Peace Corps to get laid. That would have been a good idea.
Gameday Movie Of The Week For Saints Fans
John Hyams’s Sick, which is the only good pandemic movie I’ve ever watched, and will likely remain so. This is a horror movie, but it’s got a screenplay by Kevin Williamson, who wrote the original Scream way back in 1996. This one is a slow burn before you get to the joke, but it’s well worth it. Williamson still has the goods. Three stars.
Gratuitous Simpsons Quote
“I'm only doing what I think is right. I believe Freddy Quimby should walk out of here a free hotel.”
Enjoy the games, everyone.
