Why Your Team Sucks 2025: Buffalo Bills

Some people are fans of the Buffalo Bills. But many, many more people are NOT fans of the Buffalo Bills. This 2025 Defector NFL team preview is for those in the latter group. Read all the previews so far here.

Your team: These assholes!

Your 2024 record: 13-4. When I wrote this column last year, my biggest question about the 2024 Buffalo Bills was how much of a step back they’d take after they jettisoned their old core in the offseason and initiated a soft rebuild. They answered that question with a resounding Who cares, we employ Josh Allen.

The Bills have a tendency to play Lawful Good football in even years and Chaotic Neutral football in odd years so far this decade, and the pattern held in 2024. Blowout wins in primetime games against Miami and Jacksonville in Weeks 2 and 3 were a damn strong argument that the Bills hadn’t gone anywhere, even as key contributors like Stefon Diggs, Micah Hyde, Jordan Poyer, or Tre’Davious White had departed in the offseason. The Bills churned out a workmanlike 13-4 record, with their only losses to fellow division winners Baltimore, Houston, Los Angeles (Rams’ Version), and a Week 18 game where they sat their starters and let Joe Milton play the Patriots out of No. 1 draft pick contention.

On offense, the Bills completely redefined themselves. What was once a unit known primarily for its cast of name-brand receivers fully transformed into a meathead bonanza, with RB James Cook leading a rushing attack that put up thirty-two—32!—touchdowns on the ground. The offensive line was once again one of the best in the game, with LT Dion Dawkins becoming a bona fide star player in his own right. 

In the absence of signature pass-catchers, WR Khalil Shakir emerged as one of the best slot receivers in the league, and ... well, that’s about it. Rookie Keon Coleman flashed but struggled to separate. Curtis Samuel and midseason trade addition Amari Cooper were useless. Second-year TE Dalton Kincaid slumped. An offense where journeyman Mack Hollins is your second-most reliable pass-catcher has serious issues, but for most of the season, it didn’t matter. Thanks to Josh Allen, offense machine went brrrrrr.

On defense, the bag was significantly more mixed. Sean McDermott’s philosophy has always been of the Bend, Don’t Break variety, and in '24, it broke more than it has in years past. Between an inconsistent pass rush, consistent injuries, and a molasses-slow safety duo in Taylor Rapp and Damar Hamlin, the Bills defense was completely demolished by the competent teams in the regular season. The Rams and Lions dropped 40 points on their heads like a cartoon anvil in consecutive weeks!

Despite this, come January, the defense held up! After blowing out the Denver Boncos in Wild Card Weekend, the Bills avenged their worst loss of the regular season with their most impressive playoff victory of the century against the Ravens in the snow, gearing up for another AFC Championship Game against the overrated, overhyped, and universally loathed 2024 Kansas City Chiefs. And there’s no way the Bills would puke on their own shoes against the Chiefs in January again, right? Not when they’re playing this well, not when the Chiefs are so evidently fraudulent!

Especially not four times in a row. Nobody could ever defeat the Buffalo Bills four times in a row.

lol.

Your coach: Sean McDermott. After a report about his blank-eyed psychopathic demeanor and bizarre management style (allegedly) unnerving his employees got reduced to the (admittedly very funny) 9/11 anecdote, Coach Troops made a concerted effort to appear more human in 2024. So what’ve you got for us, Coach?

One joke per week?! This is a football locker room, not a comedy club, Sean. Get your shit together.

At this point in his career, Sean McDermott is an extremely known commodity. On one hand, there’s an undeniable track record of success: five straight division titles, a series of well-coached teams, and a nearly unmatched penchant for identifying and developing defensive backs. On the other hand, he’s good for a few mind-boggling game-management decisions a year, his conservative defensive approach drives me insane, and he horks up his lunch on the field every single January. 

This is his ninth—ninth!—year on the job. He’s never changing. This is the guy you’re stuck with until it all blows up. Does that comfort you? It doesn’t comfort me!

Two more miscellaneous notes here: First, I went long on McDermott’s penchant for firing coordinators last year, and he did it again! Out is special teams coordinator Matthew Smiley; in to replace him is veteran Chris Tabor. This move was entirely necessary after years of sloppy special teams under Smiley, but still, I will absolutely use it to slander McDermott if things go bad this year. Watch this space.

Second, I’m gonna need you to take a look at this snow angel:

This is how Donald Trump would do a snow angel if asked. I can’t explain what I mean by that, but I know you get it.

Your quarterback: White America’s DEI MVP himself, Josh Allen.

As a Bills fan, obviously, I fucking love Josh Allen. I’m not gonna sit here and pretend like that’s not the case just for the WYTS bit. I find him extremely personally endearing, from his play on the field to his relentless Wife Guy behavior to his appearances on the team’s official TikTok page.

With all of that said: Josh Allen did not deserve to be the MVP last year. While I do believe Allen was the most singularly important player to any team’s success last season—and you can argue that that’s who should be the Most Valuable Player—Lamar Jackson was the best player, and the MVP trophy almost always goes to the best player. We can call it what it is: voter fatigue for Jackson led to Allen nabbing a career achievement award/participation trophy. At least he’s got something to put in his trophy case now!

(Is it funny that Josh Allen stole the trophy after Lamar Jackson was the first-team All-Pro quarterback? Undoubtedly. And you can use it to slander both Allen and Jackson, making it a true Hater’s Delight.)

The Bills have run the rest of the quarterback room back, with Mitchell Trubisky winning a deeply uninspiring QB2 battle against Mike White. The Bills go from being a Super Bowl contender with Allen under center to a completely irrelevant afterthought if Trubisky is forced into action, so let’s hope Josh doesn’t tear his UCL taking the garbage out tomorrow. (Oh, and Shane Buechele is on the practice squad to be Josh’s Call of Duty buddy, too.)

What’s new that sucks: Well, first of all, Hard Knocks has been dogshit boring, right?

The series has been trending downward for a long time—after last year’s debacle with the Giants, nobody is ever going to give HBO anything to work with again—but this year’s season has been especially heinous. The Bills clearly don’t want to be here, so it reads like a series of PR-friendly infomercials: Dion Dawkins likes cars! C Connor McGovern makes pizzas! LB Joe Andreessen sure does exist! KJ Hamler’s extremely charming and likable! (KJ Hamler has been released.)

Watching Episode 4 just before turning in this article almost broke me. Watching flies fuck would be more entertaining. I’m already bored of this section, so let’s move on.

On offense, very little has changed. The Bills continued their never-ending quest to build the entire plane out of WR3s by adding Joshua Palmer, the JAG-est JAG who’s ever JAGged, and Elijah Moore, who is still primarily known for single-handedly losing the 2019 Egg Bowl for pretending to piss like a dog.

The defense, however, is where General Manager Brandon Beane did his damage. Clearly unimpressed by last year’s defensive line situation, he decided to throw Dudes at the problem like he’s a French Army officer at the Battle of the Somme. DE Michael Hoecht, DT Larry Ogunjobi, and the slowly decaying DE Joey Bosa headlined the Bills free agency class, while the Bills spent three of their first four draft picks on DT T.J. Sanders, DE Landon Jackson, and DT Deone Walker. Expect early contributions from Sanders and Walker, especially.

[producer running onstage to whisper in my ear] Wait, really? But why would they—huh.

Well, turns out Hoecht and Ogunjobi are both suspended for the first six games of the season for PEDs. Whoops! Looks like a third of that new and improved DL will have to wait.

Elsewhere on the defense, the Bills let Rasul Douglas walk and elected to replace him with a fresh face in ... CB Tre’Davious White? Really??? First-round pick CB Maxwell Hairston, his intended long-term replacement, is on injured reserve for a knee injury (and boy, we’ll talk more about him soon!), so White is set to start at least the first month of the season. If White’s truly recovered from his laundry list of injuries, it’ll be a great story; if not, you’ll all get to watch how fast Bills Mafia goes knives out on a beloved fan favorite. That’s called being passionate!

Further back in the secondary, the Bills are thrusting second-year S Cole Bishop into the starting lineup whether he’s ready or not. Bishop has draft pedigree, but he’s also shown absolutely nothing in a Bills jersey that inspires confidence, which might explain why the Bills added the bloated corpse of Jordan Poyer back to the practice squad. It wouldn’t surprise me at all to see Damar Hamlin, the man who simply refuses to die, overtake Bishop in the starting lineup.

MOST IMPORTANTLY: The Buffalo Bills have a new punter! His name is Brad Robbins. Here is his Wikipedia photo.

I didn’t know the white boy assembly line still cranked out guys like this!

What has always sucked: The front office, baby!

I have to qualify this section by stating the obvious at the top: the Buffalo Bills are, by all accounts, a billion-dollar company that functions like a machine. There is not comic mismanagement at the top like there is in ... I mean, shit, any number of teams with meddling owners or stagnant C-suites could go here, right? The issues with management in Buffalo are more bespoke, more subtle. And while I’m sure recently hired EVP & COO Pete Guelli has plenty of dirt on him, too—anybody who spent years with the Charlotte Bobcats deserves scrutiny—I’d like to turn my ire to Brandon Beane and Terry Pegula. They’re the devils I know.

First of all, Mr. Beane: fuck what you said about Maxwell Hairston’s ongoing sexual assault suit. Straight up, no jokes or qualifiers necessary. The Bills drafted Hairston knowing about the accusation, and rather than making a short, professional statement about letting the legal process play out, Beane had this to say:

I think we need to remember in the world, sometimes these guys—I'm not going to get into it—but we see these accusations, sometimes these guys can be victims, too. They make a lot of money. And I just want to make sure—rarely do people defend them. And that's hard for me to see sometimes because I've seen it. We had it here with a player a few years ago that's no longer here that was wrongly accused. And it's frustrating and everyone should—anyone that's met Maxwell Hairston genuinely knows what a great young man he is.

As a female fan, it’s extremely disturbing to hear my team’s general manager call Hairston’s accuser—who reported the incident when it first occurred and has been consistent with her story for four years—a liar this publicly, and it’s been sickening to watch Bills Mafia take it as permission to sweep the allegation under the rug. Thanks to the circumstances of the case, we’ll likely never have closure on the incident. It’s a messy situation, and it’s a situation you chose when you drafted the player, Brandon. You don’t get to act righteous when people question you about it. Go to hell. Shit, go somewhere worse.

[deep breath] OK, back to fun stuff.

Mr. Beane, you couldn’t make a good first-round pick if someone held a gun to your head at this point. Kaiir Elam is a Dallas Cowboy now. Dalton Kincaid is completely pedestrian. Your first two picks in 2024, Keon Coleman and Cole Bishop, look pretty shaky. What’s going on here? Does it take a pick or two for you to get in the zone every year? That’s not how the draft works! 

The best thing you did this offseason, undoubtedly, was lock in your new core: James Cook, Khalil Shakir, CB Christian Benford, LB Terrel Bernard, and DE Greg Rousseau all signed four-plus year extensions below market value this offseason. I can’t fault you for these signings—they’re all good on paper!—but what you’ve done is lock in a Pretty Good core of players for the long haul and diminished your ability to pay Elite players if they become available. 

Reader, does that remind you of something? It should, because the Bills have already done it this decade with a core of players they’ve since moved on from because they aged out before they could win anything that mattered. Is almost winning the Super Bowl the standard here? If so, be prepared for Beane to run this back with a new crop of His Guys in 2028.

Lastly, Mr. Beane, what’s up with your fetish for hitting up your exes? Tre’Davious White is back in the fold. You tried to bring back Dane Jackson, which flamed out. Last year you dragged Micah Hyde out of retirement to chill on the practice squad, something you’ve previously done with Cole Beasley, John Brown, and Josh Norman. Now, it’s Jordan Poyer and CB Jordan Phillips, and fucking Levi Wallace might be next?! I’ve never seen a team so interested in huffing the ghosts of its own farts before. It’s embarrassing. Figure your shit out, man.

Don’t think I forgot about you, Terry Pegula! How could I, given how often you shuffled around mumbling incoherently in the background on this season of Hard Knocks!

A full accounting of Pegula’s crimes could fill a dozen columns, from his well-documented love of $100 million superyachts to the absolute ruin he’s left the Buffalo Sabres organization in. Today, instead, I’d like to turn my ire to the $850 million he’s stolen from the public.

If you’re out of the loop on this: The Buffalo Bills are building a new stadium across the street from their old one. Part of their ransom note to the state of New York included that $850 million figure, which is believed to be the most public money an NFL team has ever been granted. Originally pitched as a $1.4 billion project, the stadium’s extremely over budget, with costs north of $2.1 billion as of October 2024. Thankfully, the extra money’s actually coming out of Terry’s pocket (proving, of course, that he always had the fucking money in the first place).

What are the fans getting in exchange for their Mandatory Generosity? New Highmark Stadium will have about 10,000 fewer seats, for starters. Current season ticket holders who want to keep their tickets will also have to purchase personal seat licenses, which are this neat scam sports stadiums invented so they can sell you the same seat twice. Between the lowered supply and the addition of PSLs, tickets at the new stadium are expected to be egregiously expensive. Some diehard fans will be priced out entirely—likely diminishing the atmosphere of home games—while others will spend money they don’t have on PSLs. After all, M&T, the Official Bank of the Buffalo Bills, will be happy to help you out with a ten-year interest-controlled loan repayment plan!

The timing of everything, obviously, should give the game away: That $850 million the public’s on the hook for is a Josh Allen Tax. The Bills wouldn’t be able to get away with such a naked extortion of the public if the fanbase wasn’t more drunk on success and love for their team than they’ve ever been, and I’m comfortable including the ‘90s Super Bowl teams in that assessment. Pegula picked his moment, let it rip, and robbed us blind. There’s nothing I or anybody else can do about it but shut up, pay more for less, and be grateful Josh Allen isn’t suiting up for the Toronto Argonauts 2 next season.

I have an extremely low opinion of my fellow Bills fans, but god, they deserve better than this. So much better.

What might not suck: The AFC East is less serious than ever! They’re already measuring Mike McDaniel for a coffin down in Miami, the Jets and Patriots are starting hardcore rebuilds. As noted above, the Bills are due for a Chaotic Neutral odd year, but it’s hard to imagine anybody putting it together enough to make a serious bid for the throne. 

It’s just as hard for me to imagine the bottom falling out completely, save for an injury to Josh Allen. After five consecutive seasons at the top of the East, you know exactly who the Bills are and who they aren’t. This year will be when they get over the hump in January.

Definitely.

For sure.

HEAR IT FROM BILLS FANS!

Greg:

Bills fans all want one Super Bowl win before they die. It’s too bad we’re already dead.

We’re Schrodinger's cat except he dispensed with the experiment and poured poison in our eyes then threw us into a garbage disposal. 

If I have to hear about a receiver’s blocking ability one more time I’m going to jump into a folding table placed at the base of Niagara Falls. I know we were all hoping for three defensive linemen instead of a wide receiver in the draft, but oh how we were spoiled with four! The Chiefs are still gonna put up 36 on us. 

Maybe instead of throwing passes we can call plays with wide receivers who rush our quarterback! Replace our offensive line with a defensive line! The other team can’t sack us if we sack us first! Wait that won’t work because half of our d-line is suspended. When our future hall of fame quarterback forces a trade I hope there’s a nose tackle coming the other way. 

Rob:

Your average Bills fans is more sensitive than a pubescent girl.   Don’t believe the faux machismo hiding behind the alcoholism and pickups trucks that cost 25% of their salary.   If you dare suggest for one second that Josh Allen- while no doubt being an incredible player- might not be the undisputed best football player of all time, you’re a moron.   God forbid you even mention the fact Allen has failed to get it done, down 3, with the ball in his hands and less than 2 mins to go in each of their last two playoff exits.   It is all feeling and small market bias over facts with these people.

These rubes get of town so infrequently, they are all talking up the concept of open concourses in their new stadium as if it’s some incredible new concept.  You can still see the field when you go to the concession stand! Brother, that concept was introduced to stadiums in like 2003.   

Keon Coleman fucking sucks. 

Andrew:

The venn diagram of MAGA beliefs, owning a lifted pick up truck, and being a bill mafia member, is a fucking circle. 

EJ:

Last Christmas. The extended family. My cousin’s kids grew up in CT, but their dad is from central NY, so they’re cursed like me and my kids to be annually Brokenhearted by Buffalo.

The two teens are hate-watching the Chiefs in my aunt’s living room. My teen son joins them.

One boy says, “KC looks sloppy.”

His older brother tsks, “They’re sooo beatable.”

My son replies, “yeah, but they’ll kick our ass in January. “

All three stare at the screen in silence.  My son sips at his clearly-spiked fruit punch.

Yep, that sums up my proud parenting.

Zack:

There is a huge portion of fans who hate Tyler Dunne. They call him "trash" and accuse him of writing clickbait and having a petty vendetta against Sean McDermott and the Bills. This is because he deigned to write stories about a) McDermott's egregious 9/11 speech, which McDermott himself acknowledged was accurately reported, and b) what "went wrong" with 13 Seconds, one of the most objectively embarrassing losses in NFL playoff history. These fans hate anyone who says anything even remotely critical about the Bills but are also the first people to scream "Fire McDermott!" every time an opponent passes for more than 10 yards.

This front office likes to present itself as pro-family but it clearly doesn't care about sexual or domestic violence. Brandon Beane spent his first-round pick on an accused rapist and accused the victim of lying. They stood by Von Miller and Tyrel Dodson. If Matt Araiza had played anything but punter, they would've stood by him too.

Zack:

We keep beating KC in the regular season which even the Chiefs know means jack shit.

I had friends over for the AFCC to serve as an emotional security net in the case of a bad outcome, but I only ended up feeling embarrassed. After the last failed QB sneak I yelled "Stop going fucking left!" and yanked off my Allen jersey, exposing my pale beer belly. My friends told me they "get it" but I know they've lost respect for me after that night.

Trent:

There's only one reason why the Bills haven't been to a Super Bowl in the past 5 years, and you can't fix it in free agency or the draft: Its Ol' Cauliflower ears rocks for brains Sean McDumbass.  Actually, that's an insult to rocks and I apologize. Meanwhile Seany Boy continues to contemplate how he can outsmart Andy Reid each year, when in fact Sean would be outsmarted by any of Andy's 5 kids (including the dead one because he would at least let the defensive coordinator call the plays).  Last chance for Sean; you don't take the old, flea bitten dog to the brand new home across the street, especially if the dog is a big dumb loser who owes single every bit of football success to our Lord and savior Josh.  No, you take that stupid worthless dog out back, hit it in the head with a snow shovel, and go get a new dog, any dog. 

Rich:

People want to rag on Sean McDermott for worshipping the 9/11 terrorists. But don't let that distract you from the fact that he's still the only active coach who was beaten by Urban Meyer.

Kyle:

My girlfriend of 3 yesrs does not care about football at all (jealous). I doubt she could name one player not named Josh Allen. But she loves Taylor Swift. Knows every word to every song. 

We decided to go out and get some wings and watch the Bills vs. Chiefs playoff game together. We went to a local establishment whose clientele probably still believes that Jim Kelly, Thurman Thomas, Andre Reed and Bruce Smith were all stand up guys who never cheated on their wives. 

Anyway, we got there and she took her jacket off and revealed that she was wearing a T-Shirt that said, "Go Taylor Swift's boyfriend!" Unbeknownst to her that a) that's a felony in these parts, and b) Kelce's little sarcastic clap after the regular season win triggered more red, white and blue fragile egos than someone ordering ranch with their wings. 

I saw there the entire time begging the football gods that nobody notices the shirt. Thankfully, we got through the whole meal without incident and left at half time. 

There were 2 guys standing outside smoking to made a light hearted joke about the shirt but ultimately said they liked the rivalry and appreciate everything charitable that Taylor Swift has done.

Just kidding. As we were leaving, the one guy outside slapped the to-go box out of my hand and said "Fuck Taylor. Fuck Travis. Do good. Be good. God bless. Go Bills."

Because that's how fucking unironically, ironically dumb this fanbase is.

Evan:

Sure, the defense has been bad in the last two Chiefs playoff games, but the uncomfortable fact remains: Josh Allen has had the ball at the end of the game with a chance to win, and he's beefed it twice in a row. The clutch moment drives  - nominally what you get a franchise quarterback for - have been awful, weirdly rushed, poorly executed, and just badly quarterbacked, like he forgets that you can get a first down instead of trying to win the game on one play. Doesn't help that Joe Brady ran the same 4th down play he'd run all fucking season on the key play, allowing Spags to set up a perfect counter to it, and definitely doesn't help that Sean McDermott's defense shit the bed in a big moment AGAIN, but at a certain point, you gotta go and win a game. Josh Allen's biggest playoff win is... the week prior, when the Ravens blew it? The other Ravens game where they blew it? Beating Philip Rivers on the Colts? Beating Mac Jones? Maybe the Bills are just a flat track bully. 

They still don't have a true #1 receiver (Keon doesn't have it) or a true threat off the edge (Greg Rousseau is invisible once the playoffs start), so why else expect anything except a spirited run to losing to the Chiefs in the playoffs again. 

Sean McDermott is comfortably a top 10 coach in the league and the best Bills coach since Marv Levy (and probably better, honestly), and I can't wait till he's fired. 

Matt:

• I am not a betting man. HOWEVER. If the Bills are in the Super Bowl and Tyler Bass is attempting a field goal to put the Bills ahead, I am immediately creating a DraftKings account and putting my rent and my mother's rent on that ball going Wide Right. Not left or low or shanked, Wide Right. It's the only way to miss a field goal in Buffalo that you have to capitalize, like some proper, Biblical name. It's the only cosmic outcome designed to maximize my spiritual suffering. I can literally visualize Bass giving the "that looks like it's got a chance" face and then the "ahhh shit" face as it hooks. I can already see "WIDE RIGHT LMAO" trending on Twitter right between two posts from an AI-generated Anime Hitler. I can already hear Tony Romo's stupid fucking voice going up an octave as he yells "Wide Right in the Super Bowl! What are the odds!!!" The odds were 100%. They were 100% before the game even started, and before the universe was born. For the sake of my own existential agony, I would literally rather have that fictional kick that, I should stress, only exists in my mind (because, lmao, how did the Bills get into a Super Bowl, did Patrick Mahomes die from a tainted Prime bottle) be shanked straight into an offensive lineman's taint, ricochet into the air and kill a bald eagle than miss even a foot to the right.

• When Josh Allen makes a good play and Sean McDermott is on the sidelines clapping and yelling "ATTA BOY" you have to understand that this is the highest praise Sean McDermott can give (comparing someone to Mohammad Atta)

• Do you ever think about how many fewer concentration camps there'd be in America if the Buffalo Bills had just bitten the bullet and let Trump buy the team in 2014? I mean, it wouldn't be good for the Bills, but at least after a few years of 5-11 seasons, late-night tweets about how the Bills are being very unfair to Matt Cassel by starting EJ Manuel, and getting roasted on ESPN talk shows nightly as a moron who doesn't know how to run an NFL team, he'd likely sell the team and fade away into obscurity as a failure. Because, unlike politics, Americans actually care about results and performance when it comes to Football.

• Potentially controversial opinion: it is not actually "heartwarming" when random schmucks from across the Buffalo area shovel out the stadium after a blizzard for a hot chocolate and a high-five! Buffalonians just operate under a feudal system where their Lord is an oil fracking billionaire who doesn't need to pay snow removal companies because he can beckon his loyal serfs to perform manual labor. A lot of sports teams have been described as having "cult-like followings" over the years but if Gord from North Tonawanda is risking a heart attack in a blizzard doing manual labor for 20 bucks and a hot dog to benefit the Benevolent One as he tans at his Boca Raton mansion, you might literally be in a cult!

Andy:

You know what the saddest part is?  These last 5 years have been the best era i've ever (and probably will ever) experience - but in the future when discussing it with a buddy I'll have to say "remember those years when we were losing to the chiefs in the playoffs"?

Also - I can't be the only person who thinks McDermott is just a straight up dumbass right?  Like if the tush push just failed 6 times in a row then it means Reid figured out how to shut it down and you should stop calling it. If it weren't for Josh he'd be a D2 college coach by now.

Scott:

It's never going to happen. 

Kyle:

At least when Tom Brady was dunking all over us for 20 years I didn't also have to see him on every commercial in existence. I cried tears of joy after Gabe Davis's last touchdown catch in the 13 seconds game. Sports are dumb.

Kevin:

The Bills are no longer the sad sack franchise they were in my teens. We have a compotent coach (9/11 comments aside), a good GM, and a generational QB who loves being here. We also have a new stadium (mostly funded by taxpayers!) that will seat 10,000 fewer fans and somehow will have obstructed view seats. In 2026. The current stadium has no obstructed views. 

The window of opportunity for the Bills to actually win a Super Bowl? Its still there, but going from not winning shit in nearly 20 years to going to the playoffs every year and getting to be just one big bout of blue balls. 

I'm not going to be as negative, but I'm already awaiting the disappointment of the Bills losing in the divisional round and Ill pretend to be surprised. My dad managed to do it, but he died before getting the chance to be let down by the Allen led Bills like he did with the Kelly era. 

Ben:

All you ever need to know about this fanbase is how rock-hard they are to have a white DB. 

Cole Bishop is just Dollar Tree-brand Cooper DeJean. He's not going to have a Super Bowl pick-6, this team is never making it to another Super Bowl.

Keon Coleman is slower than a pile of legos.

Beane has run out of old Panthers to bring to the Bills, so now he's looking for old Bills to bring to the Bills.

Case in point: Tre'Davious White was rescued from the abattoir and will be CB2 for about one month until Jaylen Waddle reminds us all that he's been 105% crabmeat since Tom Brady was playing.

The new stadium is modeled after Tottenham's, who also haven't won jack shit since the 1960s and waste the prime years of all their best players.

I moved from Buffalo to Brooklyn last year and when I tell people this they most often go "Hey! Bills fan!" not because they also love my team, but because they're pissed about all the stadium money the state is sending up to the hinterlands, especially now that the subway turns into an aquarium every time it rains, and Trump is going to kill congestion pricing before long.

Speaking of Trump, Jon Stewart was right - the NFL is directly responsible for this Presidency. If they would have sold the team to him, it's possible his fascism could have been contained to his Owner-Mode idea of pretend-land management here. I believe we could have withstood it, but they never gave us a chance.

Let's just skip to the part where Mahomes spits on our grave.

xDEADx:

Every single time man. We beat the Chiefs with swagger and confidence in the regular season but they don’t fucking care. They know when we go against them in the playoffs we’re gonna look across the sideline and shit our pants and play like some scared little babies just because we see Kermit and Muffin Man standing there.

13 fucking seconds man. That was our chance and McDermott blew it because her couldn’t get the message to Tyler Bass to squib the kick. Losing the most important game since 1992 because they fucked up the shortest possible game of telephone. Fucking bush league shit. Kindergarteners could’ve got it done.

13 seconds. Wide Right (Redux!) The hits just keep coming. And despite all this I have boundless hope because of our big beautiful hypertrophic gazelle. I try to tell people that I don’t even care about winning a Super Bowl because it’s just a pleasure and a privilege to watch that boy play. But I would give my left nut for a championship and all my friends and family know it. 

I don’t care what anyone says, Ball Bunyun got that fucking first down. Also SO DID RAY DAVIS ON THE PLAY BEFORE! We woulda got our shit absolutely rocked by Philly anyway (would we have t to ho?!?! Who’s to say! Maybe we would have scored 100 points! Maybe Amari Cooper would finally have his first good game since the first week we signed him! Do you see this shit? This is what goes on in my mind) but goddammit. Sometimes I think it was better when we sucked shit because at least then I could ignore the Bills and just have fun watching football. Now every game is an exercise in trying to contain a crippling anxiety born out of expectations. Fuck the Chiefs, fuck the refs, and fuck the “grim reaper” quote from the 13 seconds game. I want to cry.

Reid:

Wow a heartbreaking playoff loss to the Chiefs, how original.

Has McDermott ever considered not getting circles run around him by Andy Reid every January? They only got your number on the QB sneak like twelve fucking times, let's dial it up again! Thirteen is the lucky number for this team after all.

Looking forward to the new and creative way they get bounced by KC this year. As he approaches 30 years old, we're rapidly approaching the inflection point between "when" Josh Allen wins a Super Bowl to "if".

Louis:

A few nights ago I had a dream, where the season started with a playoff loss to the chiefs (9 to 24, absolute blowout). At first I felt a sting of sadness, but then immediately I felt joy for not having wasted an entire 3 months of my life cheering for this team to perform the inevitable letdown in January. 

After another excruciating playoff loss, I started to wonder. What if I just bought a Chiefs jersey, watched a superbowl at an out-of-town Chiefs backers bar, and just pretended to be a fan of a successful franchise? Wouldn't I be happier? 

Want to be part of Defector’s NFL previews? It’s simple: just email us here and tell us why your team sucks. Next up: Kansas City Chiefs.