Why Your Team Sucks 2022: Seattle Seahawks
12:14 PM EDT on August 15, 2022
Some people are fans of the Seattle Seahawks. But many, many more people are NOT fans of the Seattle Seahawks. This 2022 Defector NFL team preview is for those in the latter group. Read all the previews so far here.
Your team: Seattle Seahawks.
Your 2021 record: 7-10, the first time the Seahawks have had a losing record since 2011, when the late Tarvaris Jackson was their leading passer. Let’s Remember Some Dead Guys!
Fresh off a division title from the year prior, the 2021 Seahawks blew a 30-16 fourth quarter lead to the Titans. Their starting QB had his finger deboned. Their backup QB fumbled in overtime to blow a game against the Steelers. They had the worst offensive line in football for the 90th year in a row. And they lost on a last-second touchdown and two-point conversion to—the Packers? Tom Brady? The eventual world champion Rams?—Nick Foles and the Bears. Fuck a duck. As for Seattle’s own attempt at a dramatic two-point conversion, well …
Thus, what started off as a standard Seahawks season where they win 10-plus games and then blow a chance to make the NFC title game devolved into an Oops! Total Rebuild! affair. No team in 2021 was more unpleasant to watch, not even Deshaun Watson’s legal team. Allow the mathemagicians at Football Outsiders to make the case plain:
Seattle’s offense was on the field for 56.1 plays per game, fewest in the league; their defense was on the field for 70.6 plays per game, most in the league.
That defense? Fifth-worst yardage defense in the NFL a year ago. What a fucking treat. I’d rather watch my children die.
All of this was for the best. The Seahawks have been dining out on a Super Bowl they won nine years ago. Since then, they’ve blown another title, drafted horribly, allowed their QB to alienate everyone else on the roster, and let down a fanbase that revels in being let down. DURRR I WISH THE SEAHAWKS WERE NORMAL DURRR. Oh, you’re a normal team now, my friends. You’re normal as fuck. In fact, you’re about to endure an all-too-typical rebuild phase, overseen by this man …
Your coach: Still here!
Yeah, what IS the deal with Pete Carroll’s head? Why does that guy look like Jay Leno and Bill Clinton made a baby? These Seahawks are starting over everywhere in 2022. They fired their defensive coordinator. They fired their offensive line coach. They traded their franchise quarterback. They cut their best defensive player. The only thing they didn’t get rid of was Pete Carroll, who specializes in presiding over eternally aging defenses, hiring awful offensive coordinators to establish the run, and chewing gum like he’s trying to find a treasure map inside of every wad. I can’t believe that the only remaining holdout from the Super Bowl years is this asshole. Turns out it’s Pete Carroll that jet fuel cannot melt.
Your new DC is Clint Hurtt. The extra T is for TENACITY.
Your quarterback: Your guess is as good as mine.
Before we get to the above trainwreck, I should note that your quarterback WAS Russell Wilson, the greatest QB in Seahawks history. Wilson was the reason that Seattle went to the playoffs eight of the past 10 seasons. He was also a needy dipshit on the back end of his career, so the Seahawks wisely (last time I use that word in this space) dumped him onto the Broncos for a shitload of draft picks, none of which they used on a quarterback. You can’t spell “Seattle” without SETTLE. Remember that.
As a result, this year’s Seahawks will be led by either Geno Smith, Drew Lock, Jacob Eason, or Jimmy Garoppolo when he gets traded an hour after I’ve posted this. I hate the news cycle and vow to one day kill it. None of these QB options are appetizing, but let’s check them out in closer detail, mainly because there’s nothing else about the Seahawks to talk about.
Geno Smith surprised the football world a season ago by A) reminding people he still existed, and B) performing far better than anyone expected Geno Smith to perform. He had a QB rating over 100 and none of his teammates broke his jaw. [Borat voice] GREAT SUCCESS. As for Lock, he comes to Seattle in the Russell Wilson trade and is one of those terrible quarterbacks who doesn’t KNOW he’s a terrible quarterback yet. We call this The Ron Powlus Effect. Eason is a Guy. Garoppolo wins too much to be of use to this organization presently. The Seahawks' master plan, if it can be called that, is to tank the fuck out of 2021, fire Carroll and GM John Schneider a year too late, draft a new QB in April, have that QB bust over the span of three painful years, and then toil in obscurity forever thereafter. Can’t have Pizza Boy fucking all of that up.
That means the duo of LockSmith (just thought of that; don’t steal it) will be your main characters in Seattle for the next few months. They shall be the eternal sunshine upon your spotless mind.
What’s new that sucks: Was all that shit up above not enough? No? OK, well this is the worst roster in football. They’ll be starting two rookie tackles on what PFF has already projected as DFL in its O-line ranking for 2022. Terrible pass blocking is a hallowed tradition round these parts, and this time you guys won’t have Wilson back there play-grounding for eight full seconds before launching a moonball downfield. Whoever has the conn for Seattle’s offense this season will be sacked more often than ancient Rome.
The good news is that the Seahawks drafted a new running back. Yes, again! Isn’t that fun? Second-round pick Kenneth Walker is here to fill the void left by the now-retired Chris Carson. Will Walker, like Carson, also routinely miss half a dozen games a season with injuries until he has mercy on himself and retires? Darn skippy he will! Seattle is the neck injury retirement capital of the NFL.
It's worth remembering here that Russell Wilson, who was paid bank and spoiled rotten by team management, WANTED to leave this place. He hated it here so much that he had to lay the groundwork to be traded YEARS in advance, just for the chance of seeing it come to fruition. That’s how much Wilson thought of this team in its current construction. My man is livin’ the dream now. So is it any wonder that zero talent of any sort wanted to come here to help fill the great corn void that Wilson left behind? It is not. I was more surprised that the Trump presidency turned out poorly. The rest of this division sees the Seahawks twice on their schedule and then they hurry to the loo to crank one out.
Bobby Wagner got cut and was overjoyed about it. DK Metcalf got a new deal and will still demand a trade next offseason. He’s no fool.
What has always sucked: The Seahawks served as a nice diversion for Seattleites after the Sonics left. But with Wilson gone, their utility has now run its course. Not only will the Sonics return before the Seahawks win another goddamn thing, the Sonics will win an NBA championship beforehand, too. That’s not even a joke. The Seahawks can’t block. They can’t rush the passer. They can’t cover anyone. All of their drives end in a three-and-out. Watch them play this year and the Kingdome will spontaneously reform itself to accommodate them. Because it’s time for the Seahawks to go into the shoebox at the back of the NFL’s closet. They’re a neon green dust bunny of a franchise, and their home games only exist so that all of the goatee guys in the Pacific Northwest—guys who look like serial killers but lack the courage to ever become one—can drive into Seattle a few times a year, then drive back home and talk about how "they live like animals there."
Jamal Adams is still a bust. The running backs are always hurt. This team won’t complete another deep pass until 2026. The Pike Place Fish Market sucks even when you know it’s a tourist trap going in. You just walk around going, “Hey man, where’s all the cool shit?” SURPRISE! There isn’t any. Should’ve visited Portland instead, shitcake.
I’d go on, but frankly I got a case of diarrhea while writing this.
Ratto says: Pete Carroll waited too long to get rid of Russell Wilson and is worse off for having done so. And yet Jody Allen, who recently reasserted her intention to keep the team rather than sell it to a rogue Walton, still believes in him. I give it a year.
What might not suck: Ask me when this case of the runs lets up.
HEAR IT FROM SEAHAWKS FANS!
Of course they traded Russ to Mountain Seattle for a bag of balls and less talented version of Rick Mirer. Fuck this team with a smuggled elephant tusk.
Honestly I'm relieved I don't have to pretend to like Russell Wilson anymore.
The best player the Seahawks have ever had has left the team and all I hear from fellow fans is, "About time."
It was a good run, but Seattle will soon be relegated back to one nationally televised game a season: a Tuesday morning matchup against the Cardinals where whatever remaining good player we have suffers a catastrophic injury.
They made a big deal about poaching the Rams passing game coordinator and then the Rams passing game got way better without him
My veterinarian replaced their 12 flag with a Blue Lives Matter flag a while ago.
Genetic heart disease runs in my family, yet the worst thing my dad passed down to me was cheering for this fucking team.
When I saw that Russell Willson had lost a power struggle to Pete Carroll, my first thought was, "Paul Allen never would have let this happen."
So that's where this team has left me: mourning some nerd billionaire, pining for a Christianist jock who will now become governor of the scorched remnants of 2030s Colorado, while our coach and GM assure the new boss that franchise quarterbacks are super-easy to find.
Prior to 2012, a significant number of people always spelled my name wrong (most often 'Russel' or 'Russle' but sometimes the more baffling 'Rusell' or 'Rusel'). After the Seahawks drafted Russell Wilson, everyone suddenly learned to spell my name correctly. Since the trade, they've all mysteriously forgotten how to spell my name again.
I swear if I see another local beer truck advertising their latest IPA I'm gonna blow my brains out.
Nobody even gave the brand-new hockey team a chance as soon as they found out they sucked.
Seahawks fans need to countenance the ego-crushing truth that Marshawn being a cool dude doesn’t make them cool.
Being hired as an offensive coordinator by Pete Carroll is like being promised to one of Walder Frey's daughters.
Russell Wilson’s departure is obviously tough, but Ciara’s departure restoring Macklemore’s title as our most relevant pop culture figure might be more demoralizing.
We picked the geriatric 9/11 truther gum chewer over the greatest athlete in Seattle sports history not named Griffey or Payton. We watched him run for his literal life for years after that last Super Bowl appearance. He deserved much more even though he is weird as hell.
Fuck me for continuing to cheer for this team while eating $9 craft doughnuts.
We've become the Cowboys fans of the West Coast. We cling onto past glories, complain about the present, and know deep down it will never, ever be the same as it was in 1993/2013. Nobody's gonna feel bad for us when we suck this year, and they shouldn't.
I finally went to a Seahawks game in-person last year, for the first time since Charlie Whitehurst started at QB. Even the hot dog tasted bad.
Russ (not that one):
Every year I'd sit through this column and silently nod at all of the Wilson takes while saying to myself "that's not really true" or "he's not really that bad" or "he's just hating because he's got Cousins at the helm" while in reality, I agreed with all of them. He was that fucking bad.
We own the Broncos pick next year. Suckers. Watch us turn that into a DL bust that records 3.5 sacks in four years before robbing a daycare center in broad daylight while in the nude.
They actually did it. Jody Allen looked at the best QB in franchise history and at the 70-year-old dinosaur coach who refuses to adapt his decade-old system to the modern NFL, and said, “I’m going with the guy who wouldn’t run Marshawn Lynch from the one-yard line to win the Super Bowl.” This team deserves to go 4-13 for the next decade.
I read a prediction of 2-15 for the Seahawks, yet I think it might still be a fair tradeoff for no longer having to wince at every dangerusswilson Instagram post.
But then I remember Geno Smith staring at his hands every time he fumbled a game away last year, and I'm not sure what I want anymore.
Because I defended the idea of throwing at the goal line for like four years with napkin math around short yardage success rates (TWO CHANCES TO SCORE IS JUST BETTER THAN ONE DREW).
Because our dinosaur bone smuggling owner is never going to sell this team and keep trotting out the corpse of Pete Carroll until 2040.Because we got fleeced by the fucking Jets.
I used to live in Benton county: a place known for being a nuclear hazard site. As if living in a place where the climate resembles Vegas (without anything fun) and full of tea party/MAGA/Q-anon knuckle draggers wasn't miserable enough, every Sunday during football season meant bars were packed with 12s. These are fans who live 200 miles away from Seattle and make the assholes from Kent who populate the typical gameday at the stadium look sophisticated.
Nobody ever shows off our win over the Broncos and we deserve that.
I attended my first Seahawks game in 1989 as one of those “youth football team playing at a big stadium then get to watch the pros" events. The seats provided for us were all on the field, arranged in five rows. As the youngest member of the team, I ended up in the back row, unable to see a thing. The parents, meanwhile, all got premium lower level tickets with great views of the action. After the game, I told my Dad how jealous I was of his seat. He let out a quiet sigh and told me, "They blew a 16-3 halftime lead and never even scored the entire second half. The game was a turd. It's a mercy you couldn't see it.”
You’ll never know this Drew, because you’re a Vikings fan, but I thought a Super Bowl win bought 20 years of happiness after having all your teams fall on their face for so long. Unfortunately, it’s half that.
Ever wanted to go to a Seahawks game for cheap? You'll be able to this year. I don't know a single fan in the entire region who's excited about 17 games of Drew Lock getting beaten to a pulp while a rookie O-line finds its bearings. They are about to pay D.K. Metcalf tens of millions of dollars to be bored out of his fucking mind for at least one full season. Hopefully Jamal Adams can hit double-digit sacks while playing 45 minutes per game before his shoulders disintegrate completely.
Seattle will not give a shit about the Seahawks in 2022. Julio Rodriguez is now the face of Seattle sports. The Kraken are a new and fun novelty despite expansion team mediocrity. The Sounders won the CONCACAF Champions League and are the most consistently popular team in town. The Storm are sending off Sue Bird's incredible career.
We are all secretly Very Happy that Russell Wilson is gone. A nurse once told me that he never visited the kids in the hospital with major visible injuries or deformities. Somehow that seems on-brand.
The year is 2042. With the first overall pick in the NFL draft, the Seattle Seahawks and 90-year-old head coach Pete Carroll have just selected the first running back to be drafted in the first round in over 15 years.
Their starting QB is 2041 6th rounder from BYU, Bryxtyyn Romney, Seattle’s 18th starting QB since Russell Wilson was traded to the Broncos, and grandson to current president, 95-year old Mitt Romney.
Russ (also not that one):
I will forever cherish watching the Seahawks curbstomp the Broncos in Super Bowl 48, but with each passing year, I get this ugly feeling that I will hold onto this victory like an emotionally stunted trauma survivor who clings onto one single happy memory in order to somewhat function in society. Kind of like Bears fans regarding the 1985 team.
Fuck Malcom Butler. Fuck Eddie Lacy. Fuck Blair Walsh. Fuck Jimmy Graham. Fuck Percy Harvin. And fuck the entire 2005-06 Pittsburgh Steelers roster.
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