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Why Your Team Sucks

Why Your Team Sucks 2020: Green Bay Packers

MINNEAPOLIS, MINNESOTA - SEPTEMBER 13: Aaron Rodgers #12 of the Green Bay Packers looks on during the fourth quarter of the game against the Minnesota Vikings at U.S. Bank Stadium on September 13, 2020 in Minneapolis, Minnesota. The Packers defeated the Vikings 43-34. (Photo by Hannah Foslien/Getty Images)
Hannah Foslien/Getty Images

Some people are fans of the Green Bay Packers. But many, many more people are NOT fans of the Green Bay Packers. This 2020 Defector NFL team preview is for those in the latter group. Read all the previews so far here.

Your team: Green Bay Packers.

This is the part where I disclose that I am a Vikings fan, which is convenient because this is Why Your Team Sucks, so I’m under no obligation at all to be fair or objective. Quite the contrary. I get to be as disgustingly biased as I please. YOU’RE ALL FAT. FAT AND LONELY. You Packers fans may as well walk around packed in sausage casings. Kissing a Packers fan will give you parasitic rectal worms. The only thing you guys really own is yourselves. I HATE YOU! ROT AND DIE.

Your 2019 record: 13-3. TL;DR LET’S GET TO THE OWNAGE.

I didn’t get to write about this game right after it happened, so let’s do that right now because you lost. Did you know that Jimmy Garoppolo only had to attempt eight passes that game? But wait! I HAVE EVEN FUNNER FACTS FOR YOU. Raheem Mostert plowed this defense for 220 yards: more yards than he’ll rush for all of this coming season. His first score was a 36-yard TD run on 3rd and 8. The Niners, as an offense, ran for nearly 300 yards that day. Meanwhile, Aaron Rodgers committed three turnovers. The Packers had a triumphant, rejuvenating 13-3 regular season, and then it all turned to fucking dust in a single game. Against a team that doesn’t even have fans anymore.

[you point out these same Niners beat Minnesota even more thoroughly just the week prior, and that the Packers crushed the Vikings at home on Sunday]

DON’T CARE. YOU FUCKING CHOKED ON A CHEESE BALLBAG.

Your coach: Mitch Trubisky after a trip to the groomer.

That’s Matt LaFleur, who cleaned up Mike McCarthy’s mess last year by calling plays that his QB, on select occasions, actually wanted to run. That apparently includes a pass back to the line of scrimmage on 3rd and 3 at the beginning of the NFC title game. Oh, and LaFleur also refused to use Aaron Jones at the one for four straight plays in a loss to the Eagles. When it matters, the ghost of Beav shall always haunt you.

Mike Pettine, who presided over that drawing and quartering of the Packers’ run defense in January, is back again as defensive coordinator. Mike Pettine is one of those DCs who thinks if he looks mean enough on the sideline, he can channel the powers of Hades into his players out on the field. Every high school coach in America is like this. I’ve played for them. You feel like, at any moment, they’re gonna write you a parking ticket. I can get more motivation from eating corn flakes with my mom.

Your quarterback: Mister laughs.

Aaron Rodgers is not mad. He’s not mad he just lost his best shot to return to the Super Bowl. He’s not mad at his family; he’s just never gonna talk to them again. He’s not mad that he only has one receiver to throw to and has to spend every season milking receptions out of some white dude named like Floss Hanlen or something just to keep the passing game even. He’s not mad his only tight end left is Marcedes Lewis, who’s been around longer than RAY Lewis has been.  He’s not mad at his head coach about a play call, no never. He’s not mad his team got its collective asshole stretched by the Chargers out in L.A. He’s not mad that the Packers traded up in the first round to draft his eventual successor. He’s not mad you’re asking questions about when he plans to retire. Why would he be mad about that? You guys are just fishing for clicks! He’s definitely not mad at ex-girlfriend Danica Patrick.

“I think the more we work on ourselves and we learn to love ourselves, the more we can love others better. And when you’re feeling good about yourself and confident and loving others, it’s naturally going to put you in a better mood. I think my quality of life has been pretty high, based on some important decisions I’ve made in my own life.”

Whenever you read a quote from Aaron Rodgers, it’s important that you picture him saying all of it—every fucking word—through clenched teeth. This is an eternally small and petty man who, in terms of good natured-ness, makes Michael Jordan look like a fucking Labrador. Every interaction with him is an unhappy Thanksgiving dinner. The Packers revealing their operation as a sprawling, multi-front The Game-style prank on Aaron Rodgers makes me like them more than I ought to.

Your backup is Tim Boyle. I have no idea who that is. Boyle’s backup is rookie Jordan Love. Rodgers will cut his brakes four days from now. You’ll never see Jordan Love alive again.

What’s new that sucks: Devin Funchess! Who doesn’t love a fat wideout, I ask you? I can run faster than Devin Funchess, and I have brain damage. The only reason Funchess opted out was so he could eat more ham. Bryan Bulaga left but and will likely buy season tickets. His prospective replacement, Billy Turner, has already paid tribute to Bulaga by getting hurt. I think Rodgers secretly likes having a shitty line and a horrifyingly shallow receiving corps every year. That way, he has no choice but to complete passes throwing across his body while standing on his head. To Merguez Sausage-Scantling. Makes all the tape eaters cream their VCRs in ecstasy.

Not content to make just Rodgers fear for his job, the Packers also drafted running back A.J. Dillon to siphon carries away from Aaron Jones. The Kenosha police department treats protesters with more care than the Packers treat their good running backs. Significantly more.

Tramon Williams retired. Brett Favre might’ve embezzled $1.1 million.

What has always sucked: I went to camp in Wisconsin for years and all of the kids there were racist as shit. And why wouldn’t they be? Wisconsin is a safe space for all of the Midwest’s racism. It’s like a racism amusement park. You’re not in Winnetka now, kids! No need to pretend anymore! Drop those n-bombs! Laugh at the poor! Clap like seals as local cops ransack black-owned storefronts! We’ll keep it all between us! Now let’s go canoeing and look for dead bodies!

The Packers are flawless ambassadors for Wisconsin, given that Wisconsin is home to our most frightened white people. These are fans who think Scott Walker really is a good cook. They pretend to be convivial when, in actuality, they’re miserable ALL THE TIME. They’re so miserable, they barely ever talk. Anytime the Packers draw a penalty, or anytime Rodgers turns the ball over, or anytime another team does something good against them, these fans are OFFENDED. They’re like but…but we’re the good guys! They always expect the arc of the moral universe to bend toward them, along with a half-dozen cheeseburgers. I hate these fans. They’re genuinely unpleasant to be around. I hope Rodgers gets injured suing Love, and then Love turns out to suck, and then you people have to spend the rest of your lives watching the second coming of Blair Kiel quarterback this piece of shit team.

Cheeseheads look fucking idiotic. Wear one of those and you may as well set an empty coffee can down next to you so that passersby can give you spare change.

What might not suck: There won’t be fans at Lambeau to start the season. But fear not: the refs will still gift your sorry asses at least two bullshit penalties every home game.

Ratto says: “Aaron Rodgers has reached the stage of his career where people are ignoring the signs of wear by saying, ‘Yeah but he’s still Aaron Rodgers.’ So yes, he is still Aaron Rodgers, so his ID checks out and he can legally buy liquor, run for president and yell at the neighbor kids. But the Packers drafted a quarterback in Jordan Love who will someday be condemned for not being Aaron Rodgers, so delayed revenge remains the nicest item on the menu for Rodgers, who will haunt this team for years after retirement when it turns out he really was irreplaceable and just was the first person to know it.

“As for the rest of Titletown, there won’t be any fans allowed for first couple of games, thus spawning lots of tavern arguments over whether they were a real 13-3 team or just a 10-6 team in a weak field. Also, kicker Mason Crosby, who you all think has killed you at one point or another in your fan or fantasy lives, is coming off his best year ever and is about to turn 36, making him the second oldest kicker and by far the oldest in terms of service to a single team. So stick that in your eye up to the third knuckle.”

HEAR IT FROM PACKERS FANS!

Jason:

My friend and I were in a bar in a town about 20 miles south of Green Bay watching the Packers/Washington playoff game a few years back, and Fox was doing a pre-game puff piece with A-Rod. When he started talking about his relationship with Olivia Munn, a lady wearing a US-Flag Leather Jacket stood up and yelled “RODGERS NEEDS TO DITCH THAT LIBERAL BITCH!” to applause from most in the bar. Our fanbase in a nutshell? Probably.

Adam:

We spent our first round pick on a quarterback who threw 17 picks in 13 games last year … in the Mountain West.

Andrew:

We made it to the NFC Championship game and our first two draft picks don’t really have a shot of being number 1 on the depth chart without a major injury to someone in front of them. 

Noah:

I look forward to the eventual seven part Ken Burns PBS documentary chronicling the bloody civil war fought between Aaron Rogers and the entire Coaching/Scouting Staff. The Emmy from that series will be the only thing in our trophy case for some time.

Scott:

Our defense in the NFC Championship made Raheem Mostert look like a Greyhound bus if it was somehow imbued with Barry Sanders’ lateral agility. So naturally, with Patrick Queen still on the board in the first round, we drafted… a QB who threw 800 interceptions in college.

Matt:

We had glaring holes at wide receiver and couldn’t stop the run last year, so who did we draft in the first two rounds? A quarterback and a running back, alienating our future Hall of Fame QB and confusing an already-crowded backfield.

Owen:

Every single defensive flaw would be exposed simultaneously.

Ryan:

We run a 3-4 defense and no one can tell me a good reason why. Our linebackers routinely make tackles five yards down the field on their backs. If you have a decent running back, you don’t need to bother passing against us. You get to chew up 12 mins a drive and go over the top at the end zone whenever you want. In fact Garopollo didn’t throw a pass for over AN HOUR in the NFC Championship game. A fucking HOUR. AND THEY KILLED US. 

Andrew:

This team is going 7-9, and the blame is going to be split between Jordan Love and Danica Patrick.

Tyler:

I am a lifelong Packers fan which means in the 32 years of my life, I have been proud of that fact exactly two times (1996 and 2010). The rest of the time has been spent wondering why they make the choices they do with such confidence. I’m pretty sure their defense is a bunch of open jars of mayonnaise they found in Beav’s fridge before he left. 

Tanner:

Bad decisions shouldn’t be new to the Calf-Tattoo capital of the Midwest that’s brought us such hits as “Gross People Going Viral for Hitting Shitty Dive Bars in their Pajamas Not Even Fifteen Minutes After the Shitty Supreme Court Decided The Governor Couldn’t Close Them” and “Two Terms of Viably Illiterate Scott Walker,” but the Packers came off a 13-3 season with triple-covered Davante Adams and a ragtag bunch of WR4s into a draft class chalk full of talent just to draft up for a Quarterback then fuck around with fullbacks for the next six rounds while Aaron Rodgers got wasted on prime tequila.

Grant:

More recent entries have focused on the latent racism of the fanbase. This one is also a bit unfair: so long as a player of color is willing to accept shitty contract after shitty contract, retire as a Packer, stick around and hawk second-rate products and services, sign autograph after autograph at regional county fairs, and never speak out on any social or political issue ever, Packers fans are more than accepting of him, even going so far as to not vocally oppose the person’s purchase of a house in whatever 70’s-era rust town they happen to live in (though preferably not on their own block).

Will:

I’m actually MAD that my team won a Super Bowl ten years ago, because going on that run gave Mike McCarthy job security and allowed him to throw the rest of Aaron Rodgers’ prime years off a bridge with cement blocks tied around their ankles. (I didn’t even enjoy that Super Bowl because I spent the whole game cynically waiting for them to blow it, and pretty much ruined the watch party for everyone else. I suck.) Does actively regretting a Super Bowl title, when many fans haven’t even seen their team play in one (sorry, Drew), make me an insufferable asshole? Oh, you know it does. Am I also one of the colossal morons who bought a $250 piece of “stock” so that I could be a part “owner” of this stupid team? You better believe it, baby! God, I hate myself so much, and I’m probably, like, one of the better fans of this team.

Peter:

I recently moved to Minneapolis from Denver and was raised a Packers fan by my father from the Milwaukee area. I never realized how terrible Packers fans truly are. I ventured to the Packers bar in Uptown and immediately regretted it. Never have I seen such a cheese curd inhaling, profuse sweating and drunk congregation of people who were just terrible. Halftime, an already drunk woman walks in with a cheese top hat with a shitty little chihuahua. They go to the outdoor patio and the shit-show ensues. The rat dog begging at all tables outside without supervision, the drunk slurring and shreeking “Go Pack Go” as Valdez-Scantling drops a slant route and spilling her beer. The woman taught me, this is why everyone hates Packers fans. 

Fuck Jordan Love.

Lucas:

Rodgers has eternally said that he likes having receiving TEs, yet hasn’t consistently thrown to one since fucking Jermichael Finley. Rodgers also wants Brady-esque longevity despite having his worst season BY FAR last year. 

Justin:

Hoping the season gets cancelled so I don’t have to watch Allen Lazard with the same catch rate as me trying to barehand grab a John Isner serve.

Dave:

Most years since I’ve been 15, we hold our collective breath during games because our HOF QB is backed up by a malfunctioning wacky waving inflatable tube guy. It’s so bad I pine for the days of having TJ Rubley as our backup. And if learning about TJ Rubley’s time in Green Bay makes you smile, then fuuuuuck you Drew.

Adam:

My team sucks because it decided to spend the entire 2020 NFL draft trolling its starting quarterback, a man whose talent at throwing a football is only matched by his inclination for petulance. Get ready for an entire year of Rodgers throwing the ball away and then rolling his eyes.

HJ:

The Rodgers-era championship window closed three years ago and the Packers front-office admitted as much by pulling their bacon-wrapped hamstrings reaching for draft picks. I look forward to us bringing things full circle by replacing the most efficient QB in NFL history with a turnover-prone gunslinger. I can’t wait for Matt LaFleur to embrace his inner Kyle Shannahan and decide to not run the ball at the absolute worst time.

Dan:

They luck into Rodgers only to waste his prime first by keeping Capers too long then McCarthy too long. Now the new regime is moving on too soon.

Loren:

I’m a gigantic spoiled Packers baby, having had a Hall of Fame behind center every football Sunday of nearly my entire cognizant time on this shitheap planet. We deserve decades of misery for mostly squandering this. 

I hate this team, I hate myself for still getting hopeful every year, but more than anything else I hate our dumb and racist fans (we are worse than Boston I’m sorry).

Also fuck Tony Mandarich and triple fuck Brandon fucking Bostick with the goddamn cheese hats he was using as gloves.

Esteban:

I live in Europe which means that the Draft is something that happens when I wake up in the morning. The night before the 2020 draft, I looked at all the mocks for Green Bay, getting excited by the numerous receivers that I’ve never actually seen play. An outlier caught my eye, the QB Jordan Love. A position in which we might need some change, but can’t afford one after signing Rodgers to an unnecessary three-year extension.

As soon as I saw Love, I knew that was the pick.

Tom:

Last summer I had THREE separate nightmares about how Aaron Rodgers wasn’t working with Matt Lafleur’s new offense. I woke up in a panic each time. A few days ago, I had a dream that my dog was kidnapped. I woke up less panicked.

The night that Jordan Love was drafted, I was so upset that I logged off my zoom chat with my buddies without saying anything and got into bed sighing loudly and repeatedly to the point that my wife got up and slept in another room. I was completely sober.

I feel justified in all of these feelings and reactions.

Timothy:

13-3 regular season? Better fucking believe the Packers are getting blown out by a young, athletic QB in the NFC Championship Game. That shit is almost pre-destined. It’s built into the fabric of the universe at this point. 

I grew up in Wisconsin. It’s nothing but a collection of spoiled asshats who will tell you repeatedly that this is the Packers year while secretly holding out hope that Rodgers fucks up so they can start the era of hate-criming Jordan Love with gleeful abandon. 

Matt:

Any time you can draft a QB who wasn’t even good in college who won’t play for three years in the first round and a fat running back in round two in a league where nobody runs anymore, you’ve gotta do it.

The Packers had maybe the worst receivers in the league after Davante Adams in 2019, so they go get only Devin Funchess who promptly opts out and sucks anyway. The Packers haven’t drafted a receiver in the first round since Javon Walker in 2002. How is that possible? The only skill position player they took in round one between 2003-19 was Aaron Rodgers himself. They take defenders every year and the defense still blows. 

If you were trying to make your 15 years with Aaron Rodgers more of a waste, what would you have honestly done differently? 

Joe:

Every fan acts like they’re the best and most hospitable because one or two opposing fans (most of the time white) were invited to a tailgate while walking through the lot.

Last year LaFleur literally had to go to multiple lengths to get fans to be loud while they were on defense. They tried everything including lights, and a weird Viking-like horn that made those dirty purple fans think we were copying them. 

Oh. and their former defensive end was revealed this year to be leading a weird cult in Green Bay after sending two armed goons to his kid’s Christmas play.

As for the team, Rodgers is going downhill, but everyone’s in denial. 

Drew (not me):

The Bucks are going to get swept by the Heat because Budenholzer is Basketball Mike McCarthy. I can’t escape the Beav.

(NOTE: The Bucks would go on to lose that series 4-1.)

Adam:

A consortium of totally inept coaches and front office personnel tripped over their dicks into winning a Super Bowl in 2010, become absolutely convinced of their genius that they wasted the prime years of the most talented pre-Mahomes quarterback we’ve ever seen.

Green and gold objectively look stupid together. Why they couldn’t have chosen a more pleasing color palette back in 1959 when there were like, 6 teams that all wore navy blue and nav-ier blue I’ll never understand.

Nick:

I am a Black man that was born and raised in Kenosha, and can confirm the situation absolutely is fucked. What most Kenosha natives fail to understand is that the situation has always been fucked, at least for the people of color who reside there.

The Packers suck because Kenosha sucks. And like the Packers organization, the Kenosha community is poised to remain stuck in perpetual mediocrity due to their unwillingness to evolve. There is an ingrained inability to change because everyone is afraid of what that change will look like (see Capers/McCarthy). If another Lombardi Trophy comes to Titletown it will be in spite of the best efforts of the front office; if Kenosha changes it will be in spite of the bumbling efforts by local government officials and law enforcement. 

The same fat slobs that cram themselves into the bleachers and yell at you to sit down for having the gall to enjoy a game at Lambeau are the same ones now sitting at home watching and complaining as buildings burn in Kenosha that they never bothered to support to begin with. Every white man in the state is currently armchair quarterbacking the government response to the Jacob Blake shooting just like they do during every Packers game, drunk on the power of a Miller High Life and shouting full-volume at the TV, comfortably reclined in their overstuffed La-Z-Boy chairs. 

Their rare exposure to people of color has mostly been through sports, because Wisconsin’s population is 87% white (not an exaggeration, check census.gov). Packers fans reflect the population of Wisconsin Itself: white, Midwestern and entitled even as they adamantly deny the existence of their own white privilege because they claim they are “blue collar” and “middle class.” My Facebook feed is riddled with Baby Boomer family members and Millennial high school classmates alike sharing photos of “Back the Blue” and “Defend the Police” with their profile picture set as a selfie at Lambeau or a stock photo of the Packer’s G. 

These fans genuinely will not know what to do with their fall and winter Sundays if the pandemic delays or cancels the NFL season. Their entire culture is based around the rituals of the tailgate. Grocery hauls unloaded from SUV trunks reveal endless bags of packaged snacks, cases of beer, bricks of cream cheese and tubs of sour cream for homemade casseroles and dips. Entire families gather in wood-paneled living rooms across the state to huddle together on worn leather couches and worship the Packers. It is their church service, their spiritual event of the week. They are devout followers of Brett Favre and Aaron Rodgers. 

Though they regularly bitch and moan about how Favre did Rodgers dirty on his way out of town or how Rodgers has zero leadership qualities (bullshit), no one ever looks at the management responsible for only winning two Super Bowls in the nearly 30 years we’ve had a Hall of Fame QB under center. They repeat these same old tired talking points instead of thinking critically about what comes next if we continue down this same path without changing. 28 years and counting on this season ticket waiting list and I’m scared I’m going to be treated to the unending dread of watching successive 10-6 seasons and fizzling-out performances in the Conference Championship for the rest of my life. 

Submissions for the NFL previews are closed. Next up: San Francisco 49ers.