The Robbin’ Padres Are At It Again

There is a difference between robbing and burgling. When you burgle, you waltz in somewhere you're not supposed to be—maybe you force your entry, maybe you don't, but it must be illegal for you to be there—with the intention of taking stuff. It is a property crime. Robbery, however, requires a direct victim. When you rob, you are taking an item or items from someone right there in front of you. The Padres love robbing.

San Diego is making a habit of this. Last week, center fielder Jackson Merrill leapt up in Philadelphia and yoinked a home run ball back into the field of play. Mine, he might have said. He got a taste for crime, and now he cannot stop. Worse (or better depending on your perspective), his crimes were so beautiful that his teammate Fernando Tatis Jr. is copying them!

Last night, the San Diego Robbin' Padres hosted (which is how you know it's not burglary) the Arizona Diamondbacks. Nick Pivetta was on the mound, and he had nasty stuff. The announcers spent the first inning bemoaning his lack of inclusion in the All-Star Game, hoping that if someone else dropped out he might get the call. He was pitching like he deserved it. He had one-two-three first, second, and third innings. In the third, he struck out the side. In the fourth, he used two more strikeouts to get him out of a tricky bases-loaded situation.

He'd pitched a great game. It makes sense that you'd do a crime to protect him, and so Merrill did. It was the fifth inning, and the dreaded Corbin Carroll came up to bat with a runner on second, and his swing is so smooth and so sharp and he smoked one out to deep center.

The wall here in San Diego is higher than the one in Philly, and the ball came faster off the bat. Merrill didn't have time to dawdle at the base of the wall and plan his leap. No. He sprinted. He jumped! HE ROBBED AGAIN!

On the mound, Pivetta screamed. He was so happy. Merrill's catch kept it 0-0, and it was still scoreless when Pivetta was taken out in the sixth (unwillingly). Scoreless because of the crimes.

In the bottom of the seventh, Luis Arráez smacked the ball deep into the seats in right field. No one could rob this. Now the Robbin' Padres were up 1-0, which is still the kind of lead that makes you nervous. It's one missed pitch placement, one good swing, one mistake from a tie game.

In the eighth, Josh Naylor with his upsetting, menacing eyebrows was at the plate, and the ball just hung there in the bottom of the zone for him to smack it. And he did. He smacked it. It soared out this time toward right field, away from the robber.

But, oh no! What's this? After an initially harried first jump, Tatis found his footing. He stumbled a little but regained his momentum toward the wall, and one step away, he jumped. His glove extended up over the edge of the wall and found the ball, and now he too is a robber.

Two robberies. Two robbers. One run for the Padres, one win stolen in broad artificial daylight.