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This Is So Stupid

Who Is The Real @ScottBears?

Fans watch as the Chicago Bears take on the Miami Dolphins during a preseason game at Soldier Field on August 14, 2021 in Chicago, Illinois. The Bears defeated the Dolphins 20-13.
Jonathan Daniel/Getty Images

Each day in America passes more or less this way: Doctors perform vital and cutting-edge surgeries at the nation’s top hospitals; dedicated teachers mold bright young minds; a vast and complex infrastructure network makes possible the movement of trillions of dollars in goods and services; I learn of an inscrutable low-stakes Twitter beef with a, let’s call it, “Tom and Jerry dynamic” and almost immediately, it is 4:46 p.m.

Meet @scottbears85. Also meet @scottbears86. They have already met each other. For what appears to be an entire month, the two Bears fans have engaged in a series of strange spooling arguments that begin with such hot topics as former practice squad quarterback Kyle Sloter and seem always to end in spelling lessons. A quick glance at each account—85 created their account in 2009; 86 made theirs in July of this year—suggests @scottbears86 joined Twitter only to troll @scottbears85, who has 67 followers and no profile picture, a project troubling in its lack of ambition and one that can’t possibly be very rewarding.

Here is the fallout of @scottbears86 insisting to @scottbears85 that “big toe size” is something measured at the NFL Combine.

One of their favorite things to discuss is who is harassing the other.

This actually comes up quite a lot.

One wonders why @scottbears85 doesn’t simply block @scottbears86. My working theory is that these accounts are both Kalyn Kahler.