Imagine yourself in the beautiful Dolomites of Cortina d'Ampezzo. The air is thin and cold. The stars blaze in the night sky above you. And inside your body is the kind of fear that empties you, that vibrates between your ears, that makes your heart pump so fast you think it might explode in your chest. You are standing at the top of the terrifying, beautiful, sliding track. It is made of solid, hard ice, just over a mile long, and contains 16 terrifying, sloping curves.
In this imaginary scenario, you must get to the bottom of the track. You cannot walk down. You cannot scooch on your butt and cry. You must choose one of the approved Olympic methods for reaching the bottom of the course so that we can learn your true nature of your heart.
How will you choose? Which of the several terrifying ways to get to the bottom of the course will you deem the least terrifying? What kind of person are you in the depths of your soul?
Luge
Solo: To choose the luge sled is to ease into your terror. Perhaps this will be like going down the slide at the playground? You sit immediately atop the sled. You wear gloves with little spikes on them, and you push yourself to start with your hands. That's a little bit easier than both bobsleigh and skeleton where you have to get a running start before you slide. But then you have to lie down, be subjected to terrible camera angles, and peek your little head up against excruciating g-forces to see where the hell you are going. The luger trusts fate. They do not need safety nor control. They want to cede control of their futures to the track.
Doubles: There is no reason to choose doubles luge for your trip down the ice slide unless you cannot be left alone for one single moment, are incredibly desperate for human touch, and also want to be very afraid.
Bobsleigh
The bobsleigh, in my opinion, is the most reasonable, adult choice. You are inside a little car! The car will protect you from bumping your knees super hard against the ice. But! You go a bit faster than the other sledding sports (Olympic athletes reach almost 100 mph), and the sled is really heavy (350 lbs), so you must be strong to get it going at the top. There are many ways to ride in the bobsleigh:
Pilot: If you want to steer the bobsled, you are a team player, but one with a sense of responsibility. It's the quarterback position of sled sports: you're an authority, but you rely on others. This is a role for someone who loves stress, who needs it even to succeed. Kaysha Love, the United States pilot for two-person bobsleigh, told Olympics.com that, "Pressure is just the biggest privilege on the planet. It's honestly like my superpower." Terrifying!
Vibe: Are you the baby of your friend group? Does someone else make the diner reservation and tell you what time it is and then text you the day of to make sure that you're still coming and call you an hour before to make sure you're en route? Maybe you would like to sit in the middle of the four-person bobsleigh. All you have to do is run a little bit at the beginning, and then you get to cozily tuck yourself in the bowels of the sled and wait. Your only job is to be trusting.
Brake: The brake is for a viber who needs a little job, but only a very little one. “I just breathe and relax, and I count the corners,” Kiara Reddingius, who runs the brake for Australia's two-woman bobsleigh team, said in an interview with Olympics.com. “It is nicely distracting when you’re trying to count the corners but then, if you get lost, then you’re like, ’Oh, I don’t know, I’ll just hold on and hope for the best." At the end, your teammate tells you to pull the brake, and you do that. So you must be able to follow one (1) instruction.
Monobob: In the Olympics, you only have the option to ride in the bobsleigh alone if you are a woman. You have to be strong to push the sled by yourself, but then the slide belongs to you. You are responsible only for yourself; your failures, your triumphs will be experienced alone. You have complete control over everything, but also trust issues! Why can't anyone help you? Why can't anyone help me? This is the choice I would make. I want to control the little car all by myself.
Skeleton
No! No!! No!!!! The skeleton sled is so small. You must run at the top and leap onto the tiny little sled and then go down the slide face-first, steering only with your body weight and your legs sticking out in the back. There is no brake. There is no friendship. There is no distance. Terror is all you have at 80 mph with your chin one inch above the ice.
Adrenaline is your god. You are not a coward, but I am also afraid of you. Are you insane? What the fuck is wrong with you? You are free, but at what cost.
