To the uninitiated, luge itself might seem a silly sport, given that the average person might guess it mostly consists of holding onto a sled real tight as it goes fast down the ice. Of course, this opinion is wrong. Luge requires athleticism and dexterity, the ability to steer using the slightest movements of your shoulder or leg around the track's curves, all while holding onto a sled real tight as it goes fast down the ice. But there may be no better way to demean a legitimate sport than to take a guy who's already doing it and put another guy on top of him. I would obviously and enthusiastically watch doubles snowboarding or doubles speed-skating, where the world's leading athletes try to go real fast while giving a piggyback to a smaller person, but I can't say it would be for the athleticism.
What is there to say about doubles luge that has not already been said? A lot, I think. Alluringly homoerotic and abjectly nonsensical, doubles luge might be the strangest event of any Olympics, winter or summer. Unlike other baffling Olympics sports like biathlon and curling, doubles luge has no legible explanation rooted in Scandinavian military training or bored Scottish people. Doubles luge appears to be the consequence of somebody watching luge and being struck by the idea of stacking another guy on top of the first guy. Apparently back then there were no bad ideas.
This Olympics marks the debut of women's double luge, which you could consider a win for gender equality or a loss for gender dignity. On Wednesday night in Cortina D'Ampezzo, Italy, the Italian pairs of Andrea Voetter and Marion Oberhofer in women's and Emanuel Rieder and Simon Kainzwaldner in men's both took home gold. But the winners and losers of doubles luge were almost immaterial to my viewing. The way I see it, the joy of doubles luge is watching pair after pair of world-class athletes lie down on top of each other and go down the ice tube real fast. Questions swirled in my mind, such as Why? and How? and then usually Why? again. How did these people wind up here? Did they grow up dreaming of doubles luge, or did they land here by the obscene hand of fate, cursed to suffer for misdeeds in a past life?
I watched most of the event in a fevered haze, punching "how to decide top vs bottom doubles luge" into DuckDuckGo and "doubles luge" into the fanfiction website Archive Of Our Own, or AO3. I have since learned a great deal of insights about doubles luge, which I am pleased to now share with you.
Insight: They Are Officially Called Front And Back, Probably Because Of Homophobia
When you see a doubles luge, you see one person stacked on top of another person. In an arrangement such as this, you might be inclined to call one person the top and the other person the bottom. Indeed, Luge Canada's spectator's guide to the sport explains "the top rider grips the start handles while the bottom rider holds on to the double straps attached to his partner's arms." This is the most logical way to explain the way the lugers are arranged. But most explanations of luge refer to a "front" luger and a "back" luger. This makes far less sense, given that these people are essentially stacked on top of each other staggered by a mere foot or so. The only possible explanation for this, I have come to conclude, is homophobia. But the queer community does not own the top/bottom dynamic, and there should be no shame in referring to such a silly sport with terms that feel silly. And fortunately, the personnel requirements of doubles luge ensures there will never be a top shortage in this community.
Insight: Some Double Lugers Are Vers
Unlike some other tops and bottoms, lugers do not switch up their position on the sled within a partnership. "In doubles luge, a height difference between the athletes benefits aerodynamics, with the shorter athlete on the bottom and taller on top," reads a luge explainer on Team USA. (Again, it's simply easier to refer to the athletes' positions as top and bottom, rather than front and back.) But some doubles lugers have luged in both positions over the course of their career. For example, though the German luger Tobias Wendl is now a luge top, he was formerly a luge bottom, according to an interview he and his luge partner gave to the official International Luge Federation TikTok. This brings me to my next insight.
Insight: To Win Doubles Luge, Have The Same Name
Luge top Tobias Wendl's partner is Tobias Arlt, and together the two "Tobis," as they are known, have become the most decorated men's luge doubles pairing in Olympic history. At the 2014 Winter Olympics in Sochi, the Tobis won gold in the luge double, sliding in a full half second above the Austrian silver medalists. The Tobis took home gold again in PyeongChang in 2018 and in Beijing in 2022. This year in Cortina D'Ampezzo, the Tobis earned bronze. The only men's doubles pairing to win three Olympic titles in a row, they have now become also the only men's doubles pairing to win four Olympic medals in a row.
What's their secret? The most parsimonious explanation, I think, is that their shared name has conferred upon them a kind of mind meld necessary to work in tandem while sliding down the ice tube real fast. I believe this winning strategy could easily be adopted by other countries who wish to take luge doubles seriously. Imagine the prowess of an Austrian team of two men named Wolfgang, or of a Latvian team of two men named Mārtiņš. Consider the power of a Polish women's team called "The Dominikas" or the Ukrainian "Oleksandras." A much easier shortcut to victory than practicing a lot, I think.
Insight: One Of The American Double Lugers Is Named Sean Hollander
Fans of Heated Rivalry, who almost assuredly watched the men's doubles luge for reasons too obvious to state here, will be pleased to learn that one of the athletes competing for the United States in men's doubles luge is named Sean Hollander. Sean Hollander, unlike the fictional Shane Hollander, is not in a decade-long situationship with a rival in his sport. Sean Hollander is engaged to ski jumper Paige Jones, who is also representing the United States at the Olympics this year. Sean Hollander has taken the Heated Rivalry jokes in good fun. "I mean, the sport that I participate in as well, already has a lot of gay connotations and gay jokes around it, especially during the Olympics, so this, I think, is going to make that tenfold and completely ramp up," he told NBC News. "Luge always gets the gay jokes at the Olympics because it’s two guys in speed suits lying on top of each other. It’s kind of an easy one."
It does feel important to note that Sean Hollander, coincidentally, is on the bottom of the sled.
Insight: Doubles Luge Fanfic Is Exactly What You Would Expect
I won't link it here, but there are two Olympics doubles luge fanfictions on AO3, one starring two characters from Schitt's Creek and another starring Supernatural stars Jensen Ackles and Jared Padalecki. The premise is pretty much what you'd expect, which is good. There's no way to go wrong here.
Insight: No One Has Dared Stack A Third Guy On Top ...Yet
If someone can invent a new Olympic sport by stacking one guy on top of another guy, surely someone could invent another Olympic sport by stacking yet one more guy on top of the aforementioned guys.
Which Olympic Games will be brave enough for the triples luge? A veritable spandex-clad layer cake of luge. Triples luge would be a streaming sensation, the cuddliest Olympic sport yet, and much-needed representation for throuples everywhere. After all, the only thing that could beat two Tobis is three Tobis. If we do, indeed, live under a benevolent God, the French Alps in 2030 will welcome the first triples luge, 2034 will see the quadruples luge, and we as a world will finally have a future worth looking forward to.
