With Defector turning five this week, we have been presented an opportunity to do two of our favorite things: Execute a really stupid bit and allow Ray Ratto to roast us. We have taken advantage of that opportunity with this post, in which Defector staffers have been forced to pick a gift made of wood that costs no more than $20 (it's our Wood Anniversary) to give the site. Each selection has been judged, Taskmaster style, by Ratto. Thanks for indulging us.
Everybody needs toothpicks. Everybody likes toothpicks. Defector, on the celebration of its birth, deserves as many toothpicks as we can give it. Normally, these retail for $5 for a box of 1,000. But if we purchase in bulk, we can get that down to $2.96 a box. Other bloggers may present better gifts, but nobody will present more. – Barry Petchesky
Ratto: I see a caterer, wandering dazed into the woods while the white van he drives has been ransacked and plastic utensils, cups and plates are scattered everywhere. There are empty wrappers of toothpicks by the hundred on the ground, and the image it conjures is a serial hors d'oeuvre murderer. In sum, nobody needs this many toothpicks, ever. Two points.
I submit a 4H wooden gavel, to be used for the crucial and also incredibly complicated process of adjudicating company decisions among the 20-however many of us there are now. It's a 4H gavel, and I have decided the four Hs stand for: honor, hair, handshake, and Hanks (Tom or Chet, depending on your mood). Also, we can crack crab legs with it. – Alex Sujong Laughlin
Ratto: Elegant in appearance, but in reality only fit for braining lawyers and other societal miscreants. Suitable for farm-to-temple assaults in a courtroom or school board meeting, but otherwise a clawhammer would better serve the desired purpose. Three points.
I believe there is no better gift to celebrate our fifth birthday than the gift of stability, creativity, and stacking, which is why I would humbly submit Lincoln Logs to this registry. Did you ever play with Lincoln Logs as a kid? I did, and they fucking rocked. It was so easy to build a house incredibly well and then knock it over and build it again. It was so deliciously satisfying to stack the logs on top of each other and hear them click perfectly into place. It is amazing to be a child and feel like an architect! This unadulterated bliss is the promise of Lincoln Logs, a toy for all ages. What might we build together? What are the depths of our dreams? There's nothing sub- about this stack! – Sabrina Imbler
Ratto: These are your grandfathers' version of Legos, for the days back when toys were made with an eye for not allowing children to swallow and hours later go to the emergency room to pass their toys. Bonus point for every time an adult steps on one with their bare feet, even though Legos are spectacularly more painful. Three points.
Have you ever heard the stories people in Appalachia tell about how thin the veil is there? About how if you're out in the woods and you hear your name, no you don't? Of all the Appalachian states, West Virginia is the most haunted. This is my opinion, because it is the only place other than New Orleans I have ever been that I have felt a keen awareness of my body in space and what other things might also be in that space. Anyway, on West Virginia Facebook Marketplace I found this haunted doll bed! Think of it as adopting a ghost! Our very own ghost! What a steal. – Kelsey McKinney
Ratto: Is there a better feeling on earth than scaring your children with their own furniture? Let me answer that one for you: No. Not even a close second. Doll divans are not sufficiently creepy to cause permanent damage, though they may in fact influence a child to become Freddy Krueger in time, so until you're sure you're putting aside money for college rather than bail, don't have pets. Three points, but five if there's a movie deal that comes from it.
As a writer, as all writers do, I file all of my blogs in number-two pencil. After that it's out of my hands! This makes the pencil the most important tool in my "writing arsenal." The Ticonderoga pre-sharpened No. 2 pencil is a very good pencil: slim, and firm, with nice scratchy graphite for writing and a mighty ferrule to hold the eraser in place. Imagine writing a masterpiece of blogs with a mechanical pencil instead of with the Ticonderoga No. 2! It couldn't be done.
This box has 72 Ticonderoga No. 2s. That's enough for everybody at Defector to have at least two; at our present blogging rates, that would get us through at least a week of blogs. Think of it! A week's worth of blogs for less than $20! It really makes our overhead costs seem appalling and downright suspicious, now that I think about it. Somebody is doing some damn embezzling around here. – Albert Burneko
Ratto: Pencils only exist for the use of golfers who cannot/will not count past four and other cheats. Also, nobody you know knows this many golfers, or even wants to. In all candor, if the comrade spent 20 scoots on pencils, there is someone at a stationery store who needs jail time. If you're going to steal, steal a pen. Pens are demonstrably better. Two points.
My anniversary gift to Defector is this lovely Guard Goose On Duty Sign, 6x4 Inch Wooden Warning Porch Goose Outfits Sign Hanging Garden Decor for Yard Fences Lawns Classroom School Farmhouses Statue Clothes Accessories. Imagine hanging this humorous item on the door to Defector's office. Wow! People would walk by and see the sign and smile, and maybe wonder if there really is a Guard Goose on duty. Also, because the sign is only $5.99, I would splurge on a second gift: This White Miniature Garden Fence Wooden Picket Fence Border Bonsai Fairy Garden Decoration Ornament Decorative Fences Patio, Lawn and Garden Decoration ($6.99). This would really complement the goose sign. People would see the sign and smile. Then they would see the fence and think, Whoa, that must be some goose. – Chris Thompson
Ratto: Charming though "Guard Goose On Duty" signs normally are, gardens are meant to grow things, not be stabbed indiscriminately by 1-800-Got-Junk bait last found to be quaint in rural Vermont in 1938. There is, however, a lot of stuff here, tat thought it may be. Two points, and he should thank me for my generosity.
Yeah, I know it's the wood anniversary and not the weed anniversary, but I chose this hookah because like Defector, it's affordable yet cool and not always appropriate but coolly edgy and best shared with friends and could leave you thinking differently about things but hopefully in a better mood and mostly because these last five years—we made it five years? Seriously?—have been a pipe dream, ain't they? – Dave McKenna
Ratto: To quote Pope Leo The Umpteenth at his last White Sox game, "The fuck is this?" The comrade is a man living comfortably four decades out of time as part of his general delightfulness, but this is really more a decorative period piece from an abandoned brothel than a helpful hallucinatory instrument. And when we say "abandoned brothel," we of course mean Defector's central office here in Squalidsville Flats, New York. Two points, three if he has used it in the past year.
Admittedly, I am flying a bit blind here. I have never watched Taskmaster. I was on book leave when this idea was assigned. I am terrible at remembering my own wedding anniversary, let alone any other similar sort of date.
So I took this prompt seriously (mistake) and went with my gut (huge mistake) and decided to go with an antique wooden letter opener. Why? Because I have one at home, and I love it! Somehow all this technological innovation has not done away with all the bills that arrive in the mail and this makes them easier to open. Defector also has bills and, yes, still has to pay them. So why not? And if Ray hates the idea, he can use it to stab me in the eye, which would be a fitting punishment. – Diana Moskovitz
Ratto: According to Cluepedia's full list of weapons in the board game Clue and its many multimedia knockoffs, "letter opener" is listed 124th out of 127, just ahead of "toilet chain." Honest. I think we all know what comes next, and why. Two points, and it would have been one if not for the heartwarming notion that people still get letters.
I present to you this wooden carving of a character from The Pickwick Papers, named Job Trotter. Not only is he fun to look at, but he is a whimsical testament to the event that precipitated the creation of our beloved website. Please note that while the seller is currently listing this item at $21.95, which is above the budget, they are open to offers, and I am confident this little guy could be mine for like $18. – Brandy Jensen
Ratto: A metaphorical masterpiece given the nature of the journalism economy, but in truth this particular trotter looks nothing like the comrade. Plus, it is valued at $21.95 on the Internet, which is a clear disqualification on the scale of the Joe Wilkinson Potato In The Hole Scandal, so therefore nil points unless she happens to have the receipt that shows that she talked the price down to $15.50, plus shipping and tax. If so, four points.
We’ve proven terribly successful in our first five years here at Defector. But if we want to last another five years, and beyond, we're going to need to instill some goddamn discipline among this staff. This is where a cricket bat is required. As hard as a baseball bat, but with contours better suited for inflicting damage upon the human fanny, a cricket bat would prove useful anytime Barry Petchesky issues a shitty take about popcorn, or David Roth accidentally writes a page-long sentence, or Ray Ratto looks at me funny. We can't be afraid to move fast and break things here at Defector. And what moves faster, and breaks more shit, than this trusty switch? Once secured, every staff member that faces the bat will be grateful that we got one. In fact, they might even say, "Thank you paddle, may I have another?" – Drew Magary
Ratto: Unautographed by Ian Botham, the famed English cricketer, alleged ball tamperer, bird worrier, pundit and member of the House of Lords. Also unautographed by Freddie Flintoff, Dame Maggie Smith, or even Mr. Blobby. Thus, there is no memorabilia value to be had. Frankly, this is just something to scare the UPS driver at 11:00 p.m. while you're half-asleep and wearing only a T-shirt and underpants. Two points.
There's a very cute free museum in Philly called the Museum for Art in Wood, which is pretty much what it says on the tin. The permanent gallery has glass displays of a bunch of objects, of varying levels of practicality, and made using different techniques; the temporary exhibit, at least when I went, had a gorgeous display of mechanically impressive contemporary art. Anyway, this museum has a gift shop that has a lot of artisanal wood goods, which can quickly become very expensive (I personally would not buy a $200 bowl). But of the goods available on the gift shop website that are $20 or less, I have decided to ignore the practical options (such as: Hand-Carved Wood Chopsticks - Five Paris, and Pear-Shaped Mixing Spoon), in favor of a dozen wooden eggs. What would we do with these eggs, each one approximately 2.5 inches long and which can be made of ambrosia maple, pear, maple, cherry, sassafras, walnut, ash, or sycamore? I don't know! Maybe throw them at Barry and/or Ray's staffer of choice. - Kathryn Xu
Ratto: Hurray, finally the ingredients for a good teakwood omelet. Just the thing to go with a hearty breakfast of Pledge-flavored yogurt and a piping hot cup of varnish Americano. What the triple-F are we supposed to do with these? One point.
We had one of these little wood maze games in our house when I was a kid. You have to get all the metal beads to the center of the maze. Great way to kill time. – Maitreyi Anantharaman
Ratto: The best way to handle your home-schooled children—with something they cannot solve. It teaches resourcefulness, cognition skills and how to use that fireplace lighter when Mom and Dad are in the other room avoiding their parental responsibilities. Four points.
I'm cheating a bit, because the wooden part of "dominoes" is probably just going to be the case, but whatever. In January I was in Orlando visiting family, and after two exhausting days of theme parks, we played dominoes. We are a Venezuelan family, and dominoes are part of our communal experience. I used to play with my grandpa before he passed, not realizing he always let me either win or come close enough to winning that I felt good about it. On this January night, no one let me win, and I had mostly forgotten how to play, but I had a blast. I'd like to teach my fellow idiots at Defector how to play and enjoy dominoes, like I did with my family. It's not that hard of a game to understand, even if it is almost impossible to master without many, many games of experience. So, let's get some dominoes and turn our next company meetings into a free-for-all. People might get mad, but we broadly like each other, so that'll pass enough to enjoy slamming pieces down and yelling deep into the night. – Luis Paez-Pumar
Ratto: Too serious in their nascent state to be a worthwhile prize in something as tawdry as this. But maybe you're a nerd who can't find people to play cribbage with you any more, and don't want to troll bingo parlors for octogenarians' Social Security checks. Three points.
The big Jenga sets that you see at some bars with too much outdoor space are easy to make fun of and I get it, millennial shit isn't cool anymore, but also they are fun to play with because they scratch the eternal human itch to build something and then do the opposite. Really what I like is the sound the blocks make when the tower crumbles, a muted velvet avalanche of failure. – Patrick Redford
Ratto: A steroided version of original Jenga designed by sociopathic chiropractors who like seeing patients limp drunkenly into the office with broken feet, yet can no longer expect anvils or bank safes to drop from windows as a more efficient way to drum up business. On the other hand, it lures away the people you don't want to associate with while you're trying to order that third gin-and-tonic at a two-drink-limit party. Frankly, this is medicinal stuff for your metatarsals as well as your mentality. Four points.
You might think that what you are looking at is just a simple piece of wood. Indeed there is a woody hue to its interior and a burnt bark-looking husk on its exterior. And sure, it was pulled right off the side of a birch tree in Maine. But what if I told you this is not a simple piece of wood but actually a chaga fungus that you can brew a delicious tea out of? Wouldn't that be something? – Giri Nathan
Ratto: That rarest of combination gifts, a medicinal fungus that looks cool. Could be decorative in the right room. You almost certainly don't have that room, and you definitely don't live where it is found in nature—Canada and parts of Siberia. But if you have a job at a cannabis dispensary, this could be part of the lobby decoration. Four points.
Game Used Baseball Bat Autograph Auto Unknown Person Boston Red Sox Pawtucket?
I believe Defector should give itself this game-used bat currently on sale for $15.99. The Game Used Baseball Bat Autograph Auto Unknown Person Boston Red Sox Pawtucket? is the kind of gift this site deserves. It invites many questions: Whose autograph is this? Which game is in from? Does the seller combine shipping on all orders when possible? The answer to that last question is a yes, but most likely we'd never figure out the answers to the first two. That's perfect, actually: Purchasing this baseball bat would not just allow Defector to remember a guy, but to remember an infinite amount of guys. – Dan McQuade
Ratto: Allegedly from the Boston Red Sox, though it isn't marked well enough to be proven as such. Could be from their former farm team in Pawtucket, which means the nearly invisible autograph could be anyone from Billy Conigliaro to Craig Skok. In all, this feels like something bought online by someone thinking it was an original Ohtani. And if it only cost $20, what makes anyone think it was an Ohtani anything? You've been had, son. Two points.
